110 - Light and Dark

“What are you doing here?” Lexie asked, sitting up in bed as Xena crawled in through her window. The other girl hopped on the floor and Lexie saw that she was wearing brand-new boots, a new leather jacket, and black skinny pants. Her hair was shiny too, like it had been treated with a very expensive conditioner. Her face had a certain glow to it that made her dark eyeliner stand out, like some sort of goth angel.

“You look different.”

“Do I?” she asked as she approached the bed and threw herself on top of it, just like old times. 

“Yeah, you do,” Lexie commented. “Your face is glowing.”

“Oh, that. It’s just from using my powers. It’ll wear off.”

“Using your powers on Fae Planet?

“Yeah,” she said. “At first I was only supposed to go over there to visit my supposed family, meet my little cousins and aunts and uncles. There’s a bunch of them. But when we got there, they got called in to deal with an Eldritch infestation and I had to use my powers for the very first time.”

“Oh.” Lexie cocked her head curiously. “And what are your powers?’

Xena turned her face to stare at the ceiling. “It's difficult to explain. I can do simple stuff like laser beams, but not very well. Lionel says I have a natural talent for other things. Belief powers for one thing. And that was what they needed.”

“Belief power?”

“Yeah. I can... boost belief and alleviate fear. The Eldritch feed on fear and so the more terrified you are of them the more likely it is that they will trap you in their nightmare. One way to fight back against that, is by boosting your hope to overcome all their fear.” She blushed. “It sounds cheesy but it’s cool in action.”

“No, it sounds cool,” Lexie said but she didn’t sound convincing enough, making Xena wrinkle her nose and roll her eyes. 

"It's corny as hell, but it gets the job done," she said. "I’m sorry I couldn't talk or tell you when I was leaving. It was sort of a split-second decision that I…I don’t know I just felt like I had to make. I’ve never met my family and I thought maybe…I should. At least to know what they're like.” She picked the bedding beneath her. “Does that make me a horrible person?”

“Of course not,” Lexie said. “It’s understandable. I mean this whole time you’ve probably wondered about them, haven’t you?”

She swallowed and nodded. “I didn’t want to tell Emma because I didn’t her to feel bad about it, or like she wasn’t enough. And I didn’t tell you in case you told your dad and he would have told Emma anyway.”

“I wouldn’t have…”

Xena sent her a sardonic look. “Remember the fashion secret a year ago, Queen Lexie of the Villain Alliance?”

“Well, I was younger then. You can’t hold that against me forever.”

Xena smiled. “I also didn’t say it because I thought if I talked to you two, I would lose my nerve and not go through with it. Even on the spaceship, I wasn’t sure I’d made the right choice, but I made Lionel swear by magic contract to bring me back. He rolled his eyes a bunch but he signed it, and said there was nothing to be afraid of except that I wouldn't be able to communicate much with those from back home because he didn’t have a lot of minutes and it costs a bunch of credits to buy them. That’s why I couldn't call often. I’m sorry.”

“No, it's fine. You were in a literal warzone, you don’t have to apologize.”

Xena wrinkled her nose again. “Warzone is kind of stretching it, but it did get a little gnarly there.” She sighed, looking wistful. “I also got to visit all these tiny villages with alien sprites and other creatures living there. Plus elves. They’re constantly terrorized by the Eldritch and they were really happy about my help. Even tried to communicate it in the human languages, they’d learned. One of them told me I had nice scalp feathers.” She smiled again, the happiness oozing off her. “Anyway, enough about me, last I checked you were in a warzone of your own. When were you planning on telling me that you were having an AFC match?”

Lexie raised an eyebrow. “I would have told you if you’d answered my calls.”

“Touche. I wish I'd known. Maybe we would have moved our return trip earlier so I could watch you absolutely eviscerate that girl.”

Lexie tried not to shudder at the memory. Even though Xena said it in a joking tone, Lexie wasn’t quite ready to joke about it yet. It was still too fresh in her mind. “You heard?”

“Dewie literally won’t stop texting me about it. He’s frantic because you won't answer his texts and he doesn't know what to do. He’s probably driving Jace crazy on their ride back to Victoire."

"When did you land?" Lexie asked to change the subject. She felt guilty about not responding to Dewie, but she didn't think she could handle her inbox right now.

"We landed back on Earth like 2 hours ago, and my SI was just flooded with texts from Dewie and Emma and you telling me how much I suck for leaving without telling you.”

“You do suck,” Lexie said without heat. “But I’m glad you’re here.” She didn't know what else to say so she lay back down and they simultaneously stared at the ceiling in silence. She also edged her hand over, so her skin touched Xena’s, to assure herself that the other girl was really there and she wasn’t dreaming. Xena noticed what she was doing and held her hand, squeezing it. 

It was nice. It felt almost peaceful. She could smell Xena’s familiar scent underneath the new leather, and she could imagine that everything was still as simple as it had been months ago before she left. She didn’t have to think about the numerous conversations she would need to have, the possible investigations she would need to endure, and the fact that an Eldritch demon was right downstairs and his essence was also a part of her. 

Speaking of which, was Naem still downstairs? He’d probably disappeared when he'd heard Xena coming, right? Could Xena sense him with her powers?

“For what it’s worth,” Xena said, her voice quiet in the dark. “It wasn’t that bad.”

Lexie didn’t say anything. Her stomach coiled in disgust and self-loathing. She wished today had never happened. 

“I watched the video and…yeah it was gruesome but we all could tell she’d said something nasty to you. Plus you looked like you were in pain. Also, everyone could tell you never intended to seriously hurt her, or you wouldn’t have stopped instantly and ran to help her.” 

“They saw my dad in the video too,” Lexie said quietly. “Everyone will think it’s his fault. They’ll think he taught me how to make cards that torture people.”

“No one is going to…” Xena couldn't even convincingly finish the sentence, which meant that they were probably already speculating about that in the comments. 

“He warned me,” Lexie said. “So many times. He told me not to and I thought I knew better.” She ran her hand over her face, covering her eyes, and finally voiced her fear. “What if he gets investigated because of it? What if they take him to jail over cards I made? I was so stupid and selfish that I didn't even consider that.”

“I think you’re overreacting. I don't think anyone will jail him for card magic that didn't kill or maim anyone.”

“I told you that you were overreacting about men in black coming to take you to the Fae planet too and see how that turned out.”

“Hey, you were right. I was stupid to be scared. No one kidnapped me and I only went of my own free will. And I will only ever go back with a contract saying I can return whenever I want. Magical contracts don’t lie.” 

Lexie continued staring at Xena as Naem’s words continuously echoed in her mind. It’s just as easy to deceive someone with the truth as it is to deceive them with a lie.

“But if they do try to take your dad away,” Xena continued. “I’ll just use my Lightlark privilege to get him out of trouble. Easy peasy.”

Lexie smirked. “You can do that?”

“Of course. I’m like a princess and the aliens love me.” Xena waggled her eyebrows so Lexie would know it was a joke.

“So everything they say about Planet Fae is true huh?”

Xena nodded. “Yeah, it looks to be that way. That place is seriously nice. And my home, I mean my family home, makes Dewie’s mansion look like some hovel from Old Moulding.”

“So you think you’re going to want to move there eventually?”

Say no. Please say no.

Xena pursed her lips. “I don’t know," she said and Lexie’s heart sank. “It’s just…a lot of people need me there. From so many different species.  The Fae can also teach me how to heal people with light. Think of how useful that would be. If I stay there, Earth gets a lot of concessions and I can ask for pretty much anything I want. I’m not just talking about Hovelton and Old Moulding. I’m talking about supplies, healers, millions of people saved just because of me.”

Lexie got it then, and understood exactly what they'd offered her. Xena, despite her frequent snark, had a heart of gold and had always wanted to help people. It was why she wanted to become a healer despite knowing her mind and body would suffer for it.  Xena was willing to sacrifice herself just to help people. The Fae just offered her a chance to do it on a much larger scale. It would be very difficult for her to turn that down. They’d truly given her her heart’s desire. 

When Xena saw the look on Lexie’s face she said, “But even if I go there, it probably won’t be until after my final year. They’re trying to rush my education but Lionel still insists that I get the basics. And, if I go, I’ll try to visit home often and make sure you, Emma, and Dewie have visas too so you can come visit me.”

“Yeah,” Lexie said trying not to show how emotional she was getting at the thought of her best friend relocating to another planet permanently.

“But that's still years away.”

“Yeah. It’s years away.” 

Lexie finally let herself consider what her father’s reveal meant for her and Xena. While her best friend was a creature of light, a tool made to fight the darkness, Lexie was…she wasn’t sure what she was but she was at least partially eldritch. A creature of the dark. 

Just how much of her was eldritch? 20% 30%? Would it continue growing even if she refused to tap into her Eldritch mana? How would she even know she was tapping into her Eldritch mana?

Would she eventually become one of the creatures Xena had to vanquish? 

Just the thought of it made her sick. 

“You were right,” she told Xena “I never should have experimented with card magic. I should have just been happy and stuck with what I had.”

“If you’d never experimented you'd never have been able to save your dad from that Eldritch attack, or save me that one time we went to Old Moulding. You wouldn't have been able to save Dewie from his bullies. One bad thing happening doesn't cancel out all the good that you’ve done with your experiments.”

“It sure feels like it though.”

“I know. I know you feel horrible. Trust me the first time I…” She caught herself on her words and Lexie glanced up at her. “

"The first time that you, what, used your powers?”

Xena didn’t seem like she wanted to talk about it, but she nodded. 

“Is that what the consulate guys were saying? About it growing out of control?”

“Yeah.” She sighed and went back to her ceiling-staring. “Remember when I said I have a natural talent for belief power? Well, I've kind of always had that. I can make people believe in themselves more…even when they're not supposed to.” She sighed. “It happened for the first time with my first adopted parents. I was so like eight at the time and was so happy to be adopted, even though in retrospect they were shitty people, and were gamblers who often forgot to feed me. I thought if I tried harder then maybe they would care about me more. One day my adopted dad was having a bad day. He was depressed and down on himself, and I just wanted to lift his spirits. So I held his hand and gave him a whole speech about how he didn't crash and he should believe himself more."

Xena's smile lacked humor. “The last thing you want is a gambler who believes in themselves too much It feeds their addiction. He went on a rampage, and just couldn't stop. Finally, when the effect ran out, it’s like he was plunged into anxiety and self-doubt once more and he couldn't deal with it. The backlash hit hard and he took it out on me. They returned me that week.”

Assholes, Lexie thought. “I’m sorry Zee. That wasn't your fault.”

“I know,” she said. “The second time it happened, it was a mistake. I got adopted for the second time and I was anxious I would get returned. And so I had the bright idea to use my powers on myself so that I wouldn’t be so anxious anymore. Power of positive thinking and all that. Except that, I can’t use it on myself and accidentally used it on my foster mother instead. She made a lot of questionable choices that week. Once again, after the effect wore off, she felt terrible. She couldn’t put her finger on it but she suspected I'd done something. She demanded I tell her what I'd done and when I refused, she took me back. Told the orphanage that I was a bad omen. From then on, I did my best to learn to control it."

"How?"

She shrugged. "By being negative. By doubting myself. By making sure that I’m not being too nice or too accommodating and never getting too close to anyone.

"Ah. So that’s why you’ve always been so snarky."

"Yeah. That and the fact that it’s really easy to be snarky and mean.  It cost me my next two adoptive parents but it’s fine. I haven’t slipped up and used my powers since then, but sometimes I feel it pushing at the seams. I’ve been careful not to use it with you and Dewie.” She said it like it was something Lexie should be concerned about, but of all the messed up things she'd heard today, that one didn't even rank.

"That must have been really tough."

"It was," she admitted. “Now that I'm learning how to use it for good, I'm doing much better."

“I’m glad.” Naem had offered to teach Lexie how to control her Eldritch essence but truthfully she was not interested in any of that. She knew enough about Eldritch magic to know that she didn't want to pay the price for that power.

She would go back to the drawing board and try to make cards the Fae way. Or maybe figure out if Human intent was actually a thing. She remembered her father and his analogy about the onion of knowledge and knowing where to stop.

I guess this is where I stop peeling. 

A treacherous voice in her mind responded, You don’t believe that do you? To wield that much power and just decide never to use it...do you think you can manage? Do you think you'll be fine with never being able to make cards that easily and effectively again? 

A loud thud sounded right outside her window, and Lexie and Xena jumped out of bed. They ran to the window only to find a boy holding his knee and rolling on the grass.

"Dewie?” they both said simultaneously. 

“What are you doing down there?” Lexie asked at the same time Xena said, “How did you get hurt?”

“I tried to climb up the window." He groaned. 

“Why on earth would you do that?

“I thought I could. Xena makes it look so easy."

“Xena is also like double your height.” A giggle escaped Lexie. “Also aren't you supposed to be on a train back to school?”

"I missed it on purpose," he said. "I wanted to check on you and you weren’t answering your phone

Aww, Dewie, she said. She heard the front door open and Aiden walked out looking first at Dewie and then up at the girls. . 

Xena waved at him. "Hey, Aiden."

"Hey Xena," he responded wryly. He eyed Dewie who was still on the floor. "Kids, do me a favor and just use the front door from now. I don't want our neighbors to think there are catburglers running around."