Clarity

I went to the doctor for the first time in 4 years this Tuesday, to get myself checked for lyme disease after finding a dead tick on my leg in October. I told the doctor, "normally I wouldn't go to a doctor for anything, but I noticed this circular rash on my back. I think it's gone now though". She looked at it and said, "nope, I still see it, and this is definitely what we look for when we're looking for lyme disease. I'll let you know as soon as we get your bloodwork back so we can get you started on a course of meds".

I've been in a bit of a mental fog lately, and truth be told I'm kind of glad to hear that I most likely have some sort of illness. Maybe antibiotics or whatever it is they give me will help me feel a bit more clear-headed and motivated.

The thing is, I've never been incredibly organized. My entire life, I have struggled with focus, and I've struggled with consistency. This is nothing new for me. But in the past I had authority figures looming over me. "Do your homework", "is the assignment done?", "refer to the posted schedule" etc etc.. But in these past 4 years of building my own little empire of creativity, I've thrown myself into a sink or float sort of mentality, thus forcing myself to develop these skills at a late age. My walls are completely covered in white boards and makeshift calendars, broken down into half-hour segments to keep my brain engaged. I have a plastic cup filled with rainbow dry-erase markers, half of which are dead, but stay in the cup, even though there's another cup somewhere with even more in it.

On a good day, when I have "nothing to do", I take my time getting out of bed, and slowly try to gather my thoughts to figure out what I actually have to do. Today, I looked at my big whiteboard calendar that still had half of November on it, and then my Patreon whiteboard, which was out of date by several months. I decided to hop on here and finally label half the tiers as "under construction", hoping that my brain can muster up some sort of cute, creative solution to this page. Then I figured, "while I'm sitting here I may as well post an update", but realized all my photos are on my phone. So, alas, I've decided to share one of my most recent midjourney experiments. Space people in the desert, surrounded by a swirl of energy. Because after all, isn't this what we are? Floating on some strange rock, as the universe whirls around us?

I think later tonight I'm going to attempt to write some music.
I really want to make an ambient album. But the thing is, like everything else, this takes so much time. And then it all boils down to this:

How do I want to spend mine?
Do I want to be a colorful, joyful elf all the time, forever and ever?
Well. Of course I do. It would be great to see the positives all the time, to continuously improve and be better.

But the truth of the matter is, on days like today, where I'm lacking the needed clarity, and my body feels heavier than usual.. I just want to be Xhen. I want to sit in a cozy dark room with some candles, and let the ache pour out.

It's all about finding a balance.

What do you guys do when you need clarity? How do you handle the delicate balance of introvert vs extrovert? Where do you go when you need to escape?

Let's talk about it. <3