Defeating the Cultists: Chapter 1

“Secret Agent Keats, glad you could make it,” the Colonel told me after a quick handshake.  He was a confident man, I could tell by the timbre of his voice.  That put me at ease, which was hard to do.

“Thank you sir,” I said.

“I take it you have some nerves, seeing as how this is your first mission?”

“Yes sir,” I said.  “I mean… I mean no?”

He chuckled.

“At ease, Agent,” he said.  He took a swig of water from his desk, and let it slip through his throat.  He had a light beard going on, and the grays of his hair looked extra bright today.  Maybe I just hadn’t been paying attention.  “I know you’re not the typical Agent.  Most hires are bigger, stronger, faster…”

“Gee thanks…” I said.  It was true, everything he just said.  I wasn’t the biggest, or the strongest… the faster comment was kind of outside the line, but he was probably right there as well.  Actually, I was tiny.  I was 5’3, and very light.  I actually wondered how it was that I had gotten this far in such a rough and tumble line of business.

“But that makes you uniquely qualified for a job like this,” the Colonel continued.

“Why, do we need a guy that can’t get on roller coasters?” came a sultry female voice from behind me.

I turned to see Agent Sharp, or Susan, to me.  We were always friendly; I think she saw me as non threatening, a person she could trust she wouldn’t get into a sexual encounter with in this crazy world of espionage.  Ironically, I saw her as hot, but obviously out of my league.  She had long, brown hair and a slim but fit body that could go, as the other boys said, some of which I’m sure managed to have relations with her.

“No, but I appreciate your humor,” the Colonel said.  “No, unfortunately, we have discovered a cult, deep within a European sanctuary.  The leader has somehow found the source of a new power source, Nukranium.”

“Nukranium?” Susan asked.

“Yes,” the Colonel said.  “It was discovered ten years ago, by a group of scientists working together from all over the world.  It was going to be the next big thing, but they discovered it had some unfortunate health detractions, caused cancer, etc., so it was deemed not to be.  It was all destroyed, or so we thought…”

“Someone got greedy…” Susan said.

“Exactly…” the Colonel muttered.

“So let me guess, you need us to infiltrate this cult, find who may have hid it, and take it down from the inside,” Susan asserted.

“Yes, but it won’t be so easy,” the Colonel interjected.  “We already have one man on the inside.  Secret Agent Parker has been there for a month, collecting intel.  He’s worked his way through the ranks, and is now in charge of recruitment.  He’s given us some interesting insights into how the cult operates.”

“Wow, go Parker…” Susan said.

“He’s informed me that the main way to gain access in the cult is to get married, in fact, he’s as far as he can go himself without tying the knot.”

“I think I see where this is going…” Susan said, looking at me.  I looked back at her.  Did she mean what I thought she meant?

“Well, slow down,” the Colonel said.  “It’s not that simple.  You see, the cult believes in arranged marriages.  They follow what is called The Algorithm.  It’s a collection of statistics based on identified character traits in all of the members.  They believe everything should be determined by this Algorithm.  Luckily, Parker has direct access to the Algorithm, as well as the ability to apply traits to each member.”

“So we join the cult, our traits are assigned by Parker, we get married,” she emphasized, looking at me again.

I nodded.

“...and then we infiltrate from there?”

“You got it,” the Colonel said.  “This is why you two are the best.  Now, assuming there are no questions, your mission begins… now.”

-

I was on the plane to Europe, enjoying the luxurious life.  Susan was on a different plane, making several stops to further corners of the map before arriving at the same location.  We had to look like we were arriving separately.  Meanwhile, I got a straight shot there, first class, enjoying a glass of wine.

I wasn’t exactly used to the luxury life; I wasn’t born rich, or special, or gifted.  I never was a true go-getter.  Actually, I was recruited.  I think they saw how unusually small I was and saw something in me, some kind of use.  The U.S. government was indeed a strange place, with many weird needs for things.  And I wasn’t about to turn down a high paying salary and exciting career just because they needed me for my height.  No, I figured I had a higher calling, a bigger purpose in life.

And this was it.

My phone beeped.  I looked down at it.  It was the Colonel, calling me directly.  His name was listed as Derek Campman.  Obviously an alias.

“Hey Derek!” I said.  That was code, not a professional greeting.  In public places, we always used stuff like that to mask what we were doing.

“Good Morning, Agent Keats…” he said.  He was clearly going to be doing all of the talking, so I just nodded.

“I hope your accommodations have been nice.  Now, I wanted to call you specifically, as I know this is your first mission, and it may seem easier than it really is.  You can’t take a relationship angle lightly.  It may be difficult not to develop feelings for Agent Sharp.  She’s certainly an attractive young woman, and you will find yourself in close proximity with her constantly, even being forced to engage in… activities with her, all in the name of freedom, justice, and the American way.  Understand?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Please, be careful, I would hate to see such a promising young man get himself hurt… over and out.”

I put the phone back down and pressed hard into my cushy first class seat.

I was… promising…

-

When the plane landed, I got off and walked out through a crowd of tall, normal sized people.  I had never been on a plane for that long, though first class made the flight significantly easier than I was anticipating.

I looked for someone holding a sign up for me.

All I saw was two schlubby looking men holding up a sign for Todd Meets… oh wait!  That was me!

I was Todd Meets, Todd Meets was me.  I was him.  I had to pound that into my head.  I couldn’t forget that, not once, while I was on this mission.

I approached the men, and they gave me a head nod.  I nodded twice, then looked to my left.  I felt one of them pat me on the shoulder, which meant the meeting was a success.  I had passed my first big hurdle.  There was a tinge of accomplishment running down my spine, but I couldn’t show it.

I had to look natural.  I had to look like I belonged.

The car ride was a long one, with me sitting in the back and enjoying the countryside from my window.  I was told ahead of time that the cult was primarily English speaking, but I was taken aback by how fluent they were, as well as how little of an accent they had.

“He’s shorter than I expected…”

“Yeah… he’ll make a nice door stop…”

Okay, that wasn’t cool.  But whatever… I couldn’t afford to get angry.  I sat by and took the opportunity to collect as much information as I could.

“What time is Roger expecting us back?”

“I think 4.  Which means we don’t even have time to stop for a smoke and a piss…”

“The fuck not?  Can’t believe this shit.  We’ve been on the road all day, I need a damn break man, Roger’s being a dick bag…”

“Don’t let anyone hear you say that, you might end up like Ericson…”

“Oh come on, that was a freak accident!”

My ears now perked up.

“Freak accident my ass… one day we all overheard him badmouthing the leader, the next day he gets quick married to Helga… I mean do the math.”

“But… the Algorithm…”

“I smell bullshit…”

“You can’t mean…”

“Human pancake, all I’m saying.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“What’s ridiculous is thinking an algorithm can know who to fucking marry.  That’s why I’m not even trying to ascend.”

“I can’t even believe what I’m hearing, just shut up and drive.”

“Eh… why don’t we just forget this conversation ever fucking happened… okay?”

“Yeah sure…”

The rest of the drive was in complete silence.  I watched as the sun dropped and the only light came from passing poles and the rare car around the corner, which got rarer as the drive continued.  What was this about a guy getting flattened?  And it sounded like some of the cultists weren’t all on board with the Algorithm.