Billing Cycle paused (rest of 2021).

Hi guys,

i've decided to pause my billing cycle to at least the till the end of 2021. During this time no one will be charged. Unless you join as a new patron, this is something i cannot control. I do mention it in the description, tier description and thank you notes to make sure you guys don't miss it.  Now, below is a recap of last month which also contains some stuff abt me struggling with mental illness, badly at the moment. Just a heads-up for people who like to know. So they can decide to read on, or not.

A lot stuff has happened past month, hence why i was so absent over here. I did got to finish my paper but it literally cost me my mental health. After 1,5 years of working overtime because of colleagues being sick for longer periods of time and all the extra stress the pandemic cost bringing a new financial system live (the past year) at my uni, and now starting college myself at the beginning of september, i broke down 3 weeks ago. 

I have been sick at home since two weeks now (from work). I try to keep on going with college because it would feel like a giant failure to give this up so early on. I also thought college didn't give me the same stress as my job did. but i had to study for an exam last week & the week before my paper was due and had to really pull myself together to make sure i was going to make it. Unfortunately i now think i might've gone to far with that since im hardly able to have a good night sleep, my heart jumps out of my chest a lot of times during the day, and my mind goes to exceptionally dark places. I have a history with mental illness unfortunately so its extra unsettling.

I do notice that after my last therapy ended (4 years ago) i do see a difference between then and now. When my mind goes dark, the part of me that gets hurt in that hurricane gets tucked away. i always see it gets wrapped around in bubble plastic in my mind. The storm rages on in my head but after coming back from the episode with meds i do feel like that part isn't as beat up as before. I unfortunately do got back the "i won't ever get better, it will start all over again and i will never be a 'normal' person" thoughts that make me feeling so desperate that i wish it all just would stop. Those are so hard to fight with. To not give into those thoughts that have a way of invading my headspace so silently. When i notice them they;re already there and its harder to chase them away. The panic attacks that feed off of these thoughts are relentless and completely unknown territory for me. The skin on my face is completely dry and flakey from the salt of my tears and my muscles sore from trying to catch my breath. As if being completely freaked out wasn't enough the crying is just... its coming from so deep. i never cried like this, which sounds weird. i thought there is just... 1 type of crying. my throat is so sore from cramping whilst crying.

Okay this is probably too much information already. Im sorry to bother you guys with it. I just wanted to let you guys know i'm not in a rlly great place right now and can't handle being here and college at the same time right now. 

Even though i miss you guys, my game, my creating, terribly. i miss all it so much. I miss chatting, i miss learning new skills for creating purposes, etc. but im so afraid that if i don't finish college, i some day might be at risk of not being able to get a new job/keep a job, etc. 'Real' life is harsh and i want to be prepared for it the best possible way. Sure, i also like the study i'm doing, its Business IT & Management so its rlly up my ally. But if i could ever be in a position to choose, i would love to cut back on my current job, come back here and try to expand from creating to streaming/filming yt videos etc. i always dreamed of stepping over my own insecurities and just do it. 

Im rlly hoping im not failing my exam and paper! i get the results next week, after that i have to complete a assessment on friday. presenting my study from the past 2 months and defending its recommendations. Which is stressful enough but i also i'm adding all the previous stuff i mentioned on top of it. 

Anyway, hopefully i can gradually come back/check-in here every now in then the coming months. We'll see. I'll try to keep you posted!

Lots of love,
Renora.