Limerence Deep Dive (Chapter 7 - Somatic and Differentials)
Added 2025-12-08 12:00:09 +0000 UTCDr Kirk Honda provides his long-awaited lecture on limerence. December 8, 2025
00:00 Fictional examples of limerence
16:38 Somatic symptoms
38:27 History of limerence
1:00:23 Normal infatuation
1:01:16 Relationship-OCD
1:13:13 Borderline and preoccupied attachment
1:18:07 Prolonged grief
1:28:37 Love addiction
1:33:11 Obsessive Love Disorder
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Comments
I like what you are pointing at here. We may NEED limerance to a certain extent. We need the human race to continue.
Francares4u Therapist
2025-12-30 23:49:57 +0000 UTCI’m catching up on these so this is a little late but… I think I *may* have identified a fictional example that does include the addictive element: Eponine from Les Miserables?
Heather
2025-12-10 23:09:43 +0000 UTCI am at the point where you're talking about how it's strange that there's been so little research and writing about limerence. And I love your questioning about why there hasn't been more research! My old feminist professor would ask "Who benefits?" And it makes me kind of wonder about the social conditioning and government incentives for people to marry and have children for society. Maybe the desire element has been perceived as helpful? Or the capitalistic wish for people to have desire and be stuck in longing... and how maybe that longing ends up in somebody's bank account? Or maybe there's some animalistic aspect of hunting that doesn't get used in the modern world. Some kind of human skill that wants to seek and find and solve. That isn't used as much because everything is so accessible. Or maybe a seeking/ hunting aspect is developed in our scrolling and searching... and from there a possible perception that everything could be a choice or accessible? Like the abundance of the world has maybe made us out of touch with reality in regard to what we can have? So many possible reasons why this kind of longing hasn't been studied for its harm! Or could it also be tied to some sort of subconscious animal biological notion that this would lead to procreation? And that healing it would harm the species procreating? Or on the flip side... maybe it's some sort of biological way to keep the drive of love alive, but help stop procreation of so many people because the planet is over populated for the environment? Or could it also be rooted in the way we like to make everything a binary with one side, being good and the other bad. Like it's too hard to see the "both/and" of things? Like it's hard to imagine that "love" isn't always good. Or maybe we do benefit from the drama in the midst of our existential boredom... and worry that the music and feelings and art it makes could be lost if we heal this? I find myself imagining that all these puzzle pieces probably play part and overlooking the pain and suffering of individuals with limerence. What other contexts could support turning away from limerence? -------- In regard to causation or reason: I wonder if maybe it's our souls way of learning something? Maybe learning from paradox somehow? and some folks just get stuck in the paradox. I know I've been there. Or maybe a it’s a call back to the power and agency of love inside of self… and that source of love just gets projected onto the other? Also much existential pain comes when we face choice. We create our lives through choices.. and too many choices can lead to dread, anxiety, and guilt over paths not taken and the fear of making "wrong" choice. This anxiety arises because every decision closes off other possibilities, creating regret. Maybe this is part of what limerence seeks to avoid. In the word “decide” the etymology of “cide” means to cut out or kill off. Sometimes we don’t want to kill off the other choices by having a real choice in front of us. Maybe this is where the preference for the longing comes from. As Anna Freud said, “In our dreams we can have our eggs cooked exactly as we want them, but we can’t eat them.” The dreams of limerence may provide fantastical satisfaction and elation where our desires are perfectly met, but it is reality that would actually be nourishing. We starve in the dream imagining the choice and deliciousness of everything we want on the menu. In reality we must decided on something when can actually have from the menu and be truly nourished. But with that nourishment comes with loss of the fantasy that the brochure in our minds sold us. And the existential anxiety of making the “wrong” choice. Though there really isn’t a wrong choice. There is just experience and learning and nourishment for life. Of course there's likely also attachment wounds and maybe a comfort with the familiarity of longing. I think I’ve had experience with limerence, but it’s hard to know if I’m labeling it properly. I just know my experience stems from parental abandonment and unrequited love from parents which brought about a deep need to feel loved and chosen by someone who overlooks me. I also find myself wondering what could limerence teach us within ourselves? Could it be the beginning of opening a door to a type of healing? But maybe folks get trapped in that dark night in the soul? Trapped between a false escape of fantasy and a true escape to reality? Or maybe it's a call to use that power of love in reality... preparing one for that? As always... I find myself with more questions than answers! As I was writing this.. and thinking about limerence... I kept thinking about The Cure and the song A Forest. That song touches the vibe of my experience with aspects of indulging in a feeling of being lost in longing vibes. I even did a piece of art work about this song when I was 19. “I hear her voice And start to run Into the trees Into the trees Suddenly I stop But I know it's too late I'm lost in a forest All alone The girl was never there It's always the same I'm running towards nothing Again and again and again and again...”
Christy Forrester
2025-12-09 15:04:00 +0000 UTC
