Cheating On Your Abuser
Added 2025-10-20 11:00:16 +0000 UTCBobcast! Dr Kirk and Bob answer patron questions.
00:00 An abusive relationship and affair
31:02 Was the pastor sexually abusive?
41:18 Is this a safe relationship or just less bad?
52:03 Is infidelity in an abusive relationship ok?
1:02:43 What does repair look like?
1:07:27 How can I continue to heal from my shame?
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October 20, 2025
The Psychology In Seattle Podcast ®
Trigger Warning: This episode may include topics such as assault, trauma, and discrimination. If necessary, listeners are encouraged to refrain from listening and care for their safety and well-being.
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Comments
I am so sorry you experienced this . How you articulated it definitely fits what took place for me too. I rushed anytime I went anywhere because of this fear of his anger also at me for taking too long. I hope your days are more full of freedom and peace from this fear.
Nicole Scholze
2025-11-19 19:38:42 +0000 UTCFor me, it was taking TOO LONG grocery shopping. He felt I must be going somewhere else and lying about my whereabouts (he has never meal planned or grocery shopped for the family, so he has no concept of what amount of time it takes). Years later I found my self - heart pounding, anxious outside of a grocery store, wondering if had taken too long.
Heath
2025-11-17 17:02:04 +0000 UTCNicole, I think you’re incredibly intelligent. Just the way you write has a lot of elegance and you organize your thoughts in such a flowing way. Not to mention how much brainpower it takes to map out all of these conceptions and keep track of it all. I’m no intelligence expert :) but to me “intelligence” is best measured kind of like computer intelligence. How much stuff can it remember while it’s using that stuff to do things? Not just working memory, but like working application of memory. I’ve also been in a couple difficult intimate relationships before, unfortunately, and I can tell you, especially in retrospect now that I’m not in them, there was a massive amount of computation I was doing in my mind and heart and body basically every moment. All the navigating and timekeeping and mood predicting and preemptive defending and self regulating/self numbing and weighing factors and split second decisions etc, etc. And that’s just the stuff you deal with, let alone actively dealing with your partner’s many reactions when they’re happening. And all of this with bad sleep, high stress, low mood, an endlessly breaking heart, immeasurable awfulness, and a stomach ache and a lump in your throat and a stone in your chest that have all been there so long you can barely feel your body anymore. Girl! Only someone with a POWERFUL amount of intelligence can pull that off! You could be a freaking astronaut! And I realize I’m talking about myself here too, but like, yeah! Me too! Anyone who’s been through that, which a lot of us have! Any degree you want, if you use 10% of that level of computational power for it, you will absolutely be able to get that degree. Your intelligence will be an asset, not at all a hindrance. I don’t even know you, but it’s not just a vibe I’m getting, it’s that the little bit information I have about you and from what you’ve written makes it just a fact. You’re intelligent, creative, and able to understand complex systems to a degree you can apply them dynamically, them’s just facts. You’ve got a fantastic mind that will excel at whatever you pursue seriously. I know you said a lot more than just that one tiny detail, and my heart very much goes out to you with everything you’ve been through and everything you’re facing. But as someone who used to think I wasn’t smart enough, or really wise and capable and and creative enough to chase my dreams, I just had to point it out to you that it takes very minimal observation of you to see you are all of those things. When you’ve spent a lot of time with people who need or want to control you in some way, the biggest threats to them are gonna be whatever your greatest strengths are. If you don’t know you’re intelligent and moral and good, that might be because if you did know that, you’d be a much more difficult person to control. And it’s not usually even a premeditated strategy! Sometimes insecure people just automatically react to strength that way, it’s just threatening to them and they’re afraid. And it’s easy for meters to get uncalibrated when they’re given erratic feedback for a long time. I hope so much that you get the opportunity to apply all your wisdom to something that you want to pursue, and that one day it’s proven to you that you are all the excellent things that you already are. I know how hard it is to keep a grip on the measure of yourself when the person closest to you is so warped. And he probably needs you to be less than him sometimes, but at the very least he needs you to never be better. But whether you stay or go, you’re gonna start being the one who measures you now, because you’re starting to heal. And that’s a really weird feeling if you’re anything like me and always relied on other people to let me know where I’m at. I’m still working hard on undoing that! So I just figured it might help to get a little outside judgement from someone who has no stakes in it either way. It’s so scary to not know what your own stats are! Any degree will be a breeze for you compared to all that. You don’t need more intelligence or moral okaynees or any other quality, you have tons of those! You just need an occasion to use them where you can see them clearly in all their glory. And may you have so many of those occasions! You have a lot of strength to cash in on, my friend <3
Carrie Rogers
2025-10-24 12:24:15 +0000 UTCThank-you Dr. Kirk and Bob, I appreciate you both so much. I am still a bit stunned that you did an episode about my story. Your insights are invaluable. I have been brought to tears the last few days. I'm really touched that it was a Bobcast too. Bob, Your vulnerable sharings and profound wisdom have been so helpful to me. If I may clarify and touch on a couple points? Hopefully it's okay to comment about it here . I feel I've taken up so much space already hah but slowly I am learning to do that. Starting with what might be the "mistake" one could make while grocery shopping.. haha you got it. Peanut butter was a great example. With my husband, it was more so just me leaving the house at all. I would come home to anger. Perhaps I took too long, spent too much money, maybe I talked to a guy, maybe I didn't think about his desires enough with what I bought, the kids were grumpy while I was gone, ECT. If I met a friend for coffee I'd have to text him the whole time, and he would still be angry at me for something inevitably. I started to not even be able to enjoy my friends because of my anxiety. My social anxiety in the general got really bad. Still is but working on it. In our relationship I am more of the overfunctioner, but he is controlling in many ways. His outbursts are often at any threat of rejection. I do know my hubby had a rough childhood too and what you shared about his probable attachment insecurities are very accurate. I have compassion for him with this, probably too much at times. It's encouraging to hear that perpetrators can get a bit better, and harm can be mitigated. He is somewhat open to getting help. So far I plan to stay, with the improvements that are present, with how we finally seem to be a grounded and loving home (for the most part), and honestly how I am quite dependant on him with an infant, kids and the cost of life where we live. I do also fear how he spirals with the threat of me leaving and how that would affect everyone, as well as that he would most likely get 50/50 custody. For now it's easier for me to settle than to question if I should go or stay. That question takes up a great deal of energy, it's still in the back of my head though. Maybe eventually I get to the point where I feel the better path is to leave him. I love him and am also very attached to him too. Yeah the pastor in my perspective is an evil individual. I don't use that term lightly and have never met anyone else I would say that about. He shared some concerning things about how he was a peeping tom before, stalked people, and other hints of being a predator ECT. Just the tip of the iceberg I'm sure. He did seem to like to have power over me and others and got off on it. Ugh. Hopefully the haunting memories of him get better in time. As for the "less of a hippy dippy life"... Yeah sorry, that wasn't a great way to put it. Over the years I got quite intense with the spiritual path. It was my escape and also an obsession. I was trying to be this saintly yogi and adhere to strict rules, and practices to fulfill this. If I say missed a meditation, I would feel shame. If I ate a bite of meat or indulged in a cigarette I felt I failed God. I felt guilt if I let my kids have screens or fed them junk. It was like overly crunchy Mom and want to be best disciple. It got unhealthy, but also perhaps was what kept my head somewhat above water in the blow ups from my husband, and painful life. I got what I thought were visions from God and such and was prone to magical thinking, ECT. The last couple years, I am finding a better balance in living a "worldly life" and also living a devoted and faithful life. When I give my attention to something for myself though, it does provoke tension in my husband. Whether that is me doing yoga, going on walks, or seeing a friend. It is still a challenge. Also, yes my husband has wanted me to frequently apologize and nurture him through his pains with this situation without any accountability on his end. It was very hard and still is when he brings it up in a drunken evening or bad mood. We will do therapy again soon hopefully. I will worry less about the therapist "mutualizing it", because he was most likely helping my husband to be heard and create a space for him to be welcomed when he was the one resistant to therapy. I can take this one for the team in a sense to help the whole :) My sister has been a saving grace to me, speaking truth and gently helping me to see things more clearly and making me laugh a great deal along the way. I will keep asking myself those very important questions of self reflection to gain a closer and deeper connection with my self. I feel my main purpose in the big picture of life is to love and serve my family, community, and be a devoted disciple. I also dream of becoming a therapist. I am not highly intelligent and academic so I worry if I can do it but I have heart and determination and much care for people. You have helped me to reframe my perspective about this situation and I am so grateful. Some of the chains of shame have been broken thanks to you 😭💖 I don't have social media but it was definitely far more than Tik Toky advice haha.
Nicole Scholze
2025-10-23 18:24:16 +0000 UTC
