CH930

Hand on a door, Ben paused, speaking quietly to the two with him. “Could you both wait for just a little? I’d like a private word with him.”

They each nodded, stepping off to the side as Ben let himself through, finding a barren room where Foast had been in the day since he’d been saved, sitting up in bed and staring out his window with a look of despair across his face.

After he’d been freed from the mind of the demon bound to him, Ben having succeeded in destroying every bit of memory from it and every other demon the man absorbed, Thera had saved Abel from the poison filling her body and ultimately left Ben the task of telling the shifter the truth, leaving nothing out and destroying the other for that fact. For whatever anyone else in the world might have thought of him, Foast had always tried to do his best for the planet but then more than ever he knew he had failed, with the consequences of it lingering even if the demonic mind behind it was gone.

“Foast,” Ben said, pulling up a chair to the other’s side to join him without getting so much as a glance. “How are you doing?”

“A dumb question. How could I be doing?”

A look in his mind revealed easily the depths of his despair, the shifter sick to his stomach with the simple thought of food repulsive to him. Even if he hadn’t been in control, his body had been used to kill and eat the people he’d worked so hard to protect and that knowledge struck him to his core, with Ben having nothing he could do to comfort him.

“Foast-”

“I can’t even try to protect this world anymore, Ben,” he said, staring off in the distance. “It hasn’t been spelled out for me yet but you’re clever, you know it to be true.”

It was an undeniable fact. The shifter may not have been getting any blame for what happened, it had been an unpredictable side-effect of his skill and the one who’d truly been responsible for all of those lost lives had been destroyed, but it left one inescapable reality in their and the gods minds. If it happened once, it could happen again.

It was impossible to say for sure if Foast had been taken over purely for killing a contender or if all of the thousands of demons he’d killed before then had made him more vulnerable to it like Ben suspected but a repeat wasn’t a risk they could take. If he ended up conquered again then there was no guarantee he’d be stopped a second time and even if the first-tier demons might have been harmless to him, the second-tier ones presented a clear and present danger. Even if it might have been safe to help do away with the dredges, when the next wave came, bringing awakened demons with it, he’d have no choice but to be sidelined.

A fact that might as well have been a death sentence for the man. He’d constantly pushed through what trauma the war was leaving on him because he had the power and he believed it was right, but now, all he’d worked for was for not. The skill that lifted him above any other mortal had become more of a poison than a gift and left a feeling of uselessness to eat at him as much as any of the regret and shame he felt for what transpired when he’d lost control of his body and soul.

“And how am I even supposed to face them?” Foast went on with a hollow laugh. “These people I’m meant to protect, I don’t even know how many I killed. Dare I ask you, mind reader, how many deaths are on my hands? How many souls aren’t even allowed to rest because they’ve been bound to my own?”

“None of their deaths are on your hands, Foast. You couldn’t have known that was possible, no one could have.”

“You don’t have the right to say that. My body, my skill, everything I’d spent my life working for has been used to kill innocent people, and you think I shouldn’t bear any blame? How could I be so brazen? No. Thank you for coming to see me, Ben, but please, leave.”

Ben didn’t move and the other made no attempt to make him, more than happy to ignore him to drown in his misery, even while being given no choice but to listen.

“Foast, are you aware of how the first wave ended early?”

“Something about the murder of spirits by a conspiracy of powerful people? Is that what you’re going for then? Pointing out that terrible things happen and are done during wars because I’m sorry, it’s not a convincing argument.”

“No, what I’m doing is empathizing. A conspiracy to murder a bunch of spirits for power? Maybe they would have been responsible for exactly that if things had gone as the perpetrators intended, but that’s not what happened. Oh, by the time things went wrong, I’m sure more than a few had been killed by what was happening to them, but the real murderer? The one with hundreds of their deaths on his hands is me.”

“What?”

“A machine was built, powered by the living mana that was hundreds of spirits to suppress a gate and I, along with my teacher, was sent to help maintain it,” Ben explained, his hands clenching and emotion coming to his voice despite himself as he spoke. “And it was destroyed. Another demon contender, apparently sent through to act as, I don’t know, an observer I guess, saw what was happening and destroyed it before anyone could stop it and as chaos came to what had probably been one of the most peaceful battlefields on the planet, I did what I could to help. I found the power source, unscathed despite the attack on it, and I was able to use that power for myself. The things I did with it… wasteful isn’t a good enough word to describe how I’d spent it, not seeing the cost and I can make a million excuses for myself. Having access to that level of power deeply affected my mind at the time and I had no clue that spirits were the power source, but at the end of the day, those are just things that other people told me to try and ease my guilt. The simple fact is, if I hadn't acted, even if the wave wouldn’t have ended like that, they wouldn’t be dead.”

“...So how have you been living with that?”

“I’ve told you before, I don’t have any healthy coping mechanisms,” Ben told the other, being the one to wear an empty smile now. “I just don’t think about it, at least to the best I can. I work or I spend time with people or I fiddle with a million different problems to avoid dealing with that and so much else. I’m not here to give you any healthy advice, Foast, I’m here to tell you this. Whatever guilt you feel, if you can’t forgive yourself, then fine, no one can make you but you need to figure out a way of dealing with it.”

“How could I possibly? I hear what you’re saying, Ben, but I’ve lost my purpose.”

“Then I’ll give you another one.”

He got up as he said it, opening the door to bring the other two in, with Abel there waiting and one more Ben had only met that day, speaking up to the stranger as they entered.

“Invite him.”

They nodded at the request and fulfilled their role there, Foast giving him a confused look as a new notification went through his head, inviting him into that adventurer’s party.

“Surely I’m not worth wasting your time on like this.”

“You’re a third tier, it’s not a waste,” Ben told him. “And I have more than enough jobs to keep this from being a concern for me. You don’t have a purpose anymore because you can’t defend the world? Fine then, heal it.”

“Heal? Wait, you can’t mean-”

“It doesn’t matter how it happened, Foast, not just the life magic merged into your shifting, you’re now a contender for light magic in a world desperate for more powerful healers in general and that power is yours to use. You can’t kill any more demons? So what, save the people who can.”

“You’re seriously asking me to become a light mage?”

“Become whatever you want, I’m just telling you what I think the best option you have is. You aren’t dead yet and there’s still plenty of good you can do in the world but if not that, then find anything. If it could give your life enough purpose to let you ignore the things that happened then it doesn’t matter what you choose in the end, you just need to pick something.”

“...A contender for light magic,” he muttered to himself, giving the option a bit more thought while accepting the adventurer’s party request and, seeing that, allowed Ben to pick a job of his own, with no new options for himself making it simple when the only thing he needed to do from there was help Foast finish his.

Fallen actualizer.

<ACQUIRED JOB- FALLEN ACTUALIZER LV0>

<MAJOR BONUSES GRANTED TO IMPROVING VITALITY, VITALITY RECOVERY RATE, AND INTELLIGENCE>

<ALL ACTUALIZATION AND SACRILEGIOUS SKILLS WILL RECEIVE A MAJOR GROWTH BONUS>

<REALM ACCESS LEVEL INCREASED>

<MAX LEVEL OF THE FALLEN ACTUALIZER JOB ACHIEVED>

As soon as he took it, the job was done, the things he was doing both to Quox’s soul as well as in his realm being more than enough to complete even the advanced variant the third tier had taken, even if the quick result left Abel giving him a pointed look, having gotten the benefits of being part of the party yet remembering clearly how many more days her own had taken, leaving Ben to thank and dismiss the adventurer before pulling two new necklaces from his rings to hand over.

“Personal job crystals,” he told them both. “Foast, with the skills you have, not only any light magic jobs, you’d be able to get through plenty of first tier options easily too and Abel, I’m honestly not sure how long any of your future jobs are going to take considering how many only seem to exist for you. It’s even possible another is going to be a third tier but either way, if they end up being quick to work through, it’s handy to have a crystal on hand. Just think of it as a gift from a friend.”

“Sweet, thanks!” she beamed, the present making her forget the serious atmosphere that had been filling the place and left Foast giving him a look.

“And why exactly is she here?”

“Huh? To look after your sorry ass, duh,” Abel answered for herself like it was the most obvious thing in the world, only increasing Foast’s confusion.

“Why?”

“You looked after me plenty until I was used to this place, didn’t you?” she shrugged, having a far more positive evaluation of their brief time together than the shifter had expected, his own perceived failings on that front making the surprise at the statement clear on his face. “Even if you’re a big old pervert and a pain in the ass, you’re a pal. I can at least try to help you get back on your feet for a bit when I’m not off dealing with other crap.”

“I… oh.”

“What? You too good for my company or something?”

“No,” he told her, his voice catching after the first word. “No. I think, if you’d be willing to stay with me for just a bit, I’d appreciate it.”

Author’s note

Okay, so I usually write these end of arc author's notes out before I post so I have to add a little addendum to the top to say holy shit, I can finally center text on this stupid website! Oh my god, such a basic feature available after so freaking long, it is shocking how happy seeing this has made me! I just keep looking at it in disbelief that my formatting has been preserved.

Okay, my personal bit of excitement over, on to the actual author's note.

Here we are, end of another arc and one of the longer ones at that! With it being Ben’s first complete arc as a third tier too, I had fun finally getting to this since having another third tier be taken over completely was something I was planning on doing for a while. It was also fun having Ben not adopt Abel, at least for the time being and yet, despite around a hundred and thirty thousand words going into it, I find myself with rather little to say. I liked it, I had fun writing it, yet at the same time I spent so much time writing and tweaking it that my feelings are a bit muted now that I’ve done my fourth or fifth reread, leaving me in a bit of an awkward place because despite that, unlike with most arcs I’m not sure what I’m happiest about with it or what I think I could improve on.

A part of that’s going to come from the way the previous arc ended too of course, even if I wanted to look at how another one of the summoned is feeling and fitting into the world and how a different third tier is handling the war as a whole, I feel like I’m still coming down from my own personal hype over Ben finally getting to the third tier, something I’d personally been looking forward to for literally years now at this point.

So for now, I have shamefully little to say. With a bit more time to get past how much I’ve reread it during editing and even more time to move past the arc before it I’m sure I’ll develop stronger opinions, both good and bad, but for now I think I just have to leave it here. Having said all of that, I hope you all enjoyed it, my lovely readers, and have an excellent one until the new chapter comes out!