CH873 Mora's Perspective

Laying down in his bed, Mora stared at the ceiling above, not spending the night enjoying any of the books or games he’d been given but instead lost in his thoughts now that he was finally home, being back in Stonewall reminding him of the disaster he’d left it in.

There were no signs of Bloom’s carnage left, Ben having fixed it all but the memories were still there, eating at him and his shortcomings. His own childishness, something he was usually good at managing, had been the cause of that disaster and he had nobody to blame but himself, even if he knew that wasn’t entirely fair for him either.

He was young and inexperienced, still figuring out how to be a member of the world he lived in and struggling with it each day, with even trying to fully understand how to connect to others being a challenge that was only manageable thanks to the people who wanted to connect with him back making the effort he was failing in.

And he knew that parts of it would get better with time too, but only parts. Inexperience was one thing that could be overcome as he learned more about the world and how he’d fit in it, when he wasn’t even one year old it felt like everything was still new. The real issue was that he didn’t actually know if time would solve all of his problems.

He was something that shouldn’t have existed. Something he knew that shouldn’t have existed. A child spirit, the only one in the world which was a fact that left an unavoidable question in his mind. Would he ever be able to grow up?

That wasn’t something spirits did after all and he didn’t know what it would mean for him to do such a thing. Technically, as a great spirit, there was nowhere else to grow. He knew he wasn’t a mortal despite certain similarities, his attributes were fixed by his very nature and while his appearance was that of a child, he could change the shape of the mana that made up his body if he so desired but that wouldn’t fix where the real issue lied. His mind.

The mental structure of a spirit warped to fit the shape of a young incubus and creating something that was simultaneously both, what he needed was to one day mature beyond what he currently was but he didn’t even know if that was possible. He didn’t think with a brain, he wouldn’t experience the things that changing with age and puberty would bring and he had no biology to help shape his nature. The odds seemed far too good that he’d be forced to stay that way forever, a victim of the careless experiment that was his creation and a fact that he wanted to escape.

While not feeling rushed to grow up, he didn’t want to be eternally young either. He didn’t want his more youthful impulses to affect his decision making and he didn’t want to be causing problems for the people around him forever. More importantly, he didn’t want to make those same people eventually grow to hate him if he couldn’t change.

Neither Thera nor Ben had blamed him for what had happened, they’d both been supportive and helpful in trying to make it right but even if he tried his best, Mora couldn’t help but worry that he’d make a mistake of a similar scale again. How many times could he mess up before they’d get tired of him? How much could he fail before they’d get rid of him too like the life and death spirits before them?

He absolutely didn’t want that. He liked being with them. Liked living with them and Sonya and liked being able to spend time with Delair and her family too. Compared to his life after birth, what he had now was irreplaceable which made the thought of losing it all the scarier.

But then what? He asked himself. I can wonder all I want but I still don’t know how to grow.

He looked at the other spirits flooding the house, using Thera’s mana to grow their numbers and replenish their supplies but knew they wouldn’t be able to help him. While some of the new varieties of spirits might have needed a bit more experience to fully develop into who they were, his problem was a mortal one despite not being such a thing himself which made it all of the harder to solve.

I wish I’d just been born a mortal. He thought sadly. Then I wouldn’t have these problems.

But why wish for what could never happen? It was what he tried to tell himself at least, he knew his nature was unchangeable but still the thought kept coming back. If he was mortal then sure, there’d be plenty of unfortunate things he’d have to deal with. He’d have to eat and he’d have to sleep, he’d have to deal with what was sure to be a number of less obvious biological needs and he’d probably experience physical pain too which admittedly looked rather unpleasant when he thought back to the various examples of it he’d seen but he’d also stop being limited by what he was.

Despite what seemed like only drawbacks he felt himself long for it, an existence he could never have, at least until the point where his two different natures met offered a solution. He might not be able to become mortal but wasn’t there an option he could take that would be close enough?

It was something that barely fell within his realm of power, the only question was to the degree he could make it work but just the thought alone was making him excited as he started consulting the system, asking it questions and taking its answers, trying to figure out how to turn the idea into reality.

After all, it in a sense already controlled the biology of the planet, allowing levels of hybridization that could have never occurred in nature. His very existence was a testament to that but as surprising as he was to the original great spirits, he considered two other examples to be far more curious.

Both Thera and Seren were hybrids of a higher order, mixing matter and mana in a way that seemed impossible to achieve and the details of just how it had been done were recorded within the system itself, only waiting to be accessed as Mora processed the information, feeling surprised himself by the end.

“So that’s how it managed it? I’m not sure I really understand but if it works… Well, I should be able to too, right?”

He spent only a little longer thinking it over, wanting to be sure he had the details right before he finally got up and, not bothering to use the door, walked to Thera and Ben’s room through the wall between them, watching the two as they slept.

A part of him wondered if he should wait for them to wake up first and talk about it but a larger part thought it was fine. After all, Thera had said to ask them if he was ever unsure about what he was doing but he fully believed it was harmless and besides, he didn’t want to risk them saying no.

I guess I’ll need to get a space spirit’s help after I start but there’s a couple around. Okay, I can do this.

Nervous as he was, the dominant feeling in him was excitement, both for the change and the chance to see how it would turn out as he started gathering what he'd need and casting his spell, giving shape to exactly what he wanted.