MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS: THE REVIEW

You missed the Rehab ones, which are basically just Monster Arnold Palmers. The pink lemonade one used to be my jam, but they discontinued it. Out here in Japan you can usually only find regular, Pipeline Punch, and the green zero ultra. Also Monster Cola? Which... WHY?? It’s an abomination of all things cola. It just tastes like a flat Pepsi with monster energy drink mixed in.

Chewbacca

Australia has sweet FA variants. Original, sugar free, mango loco, pipeline punch and mule (ginger beer, and my favourite variant). I think there's a weird green apple one too, can't remember the taste

Da Nargh!!

I tried the mango one, and I thought it was way too sweet. I do like real mango, but not always mango flavored items. I didn't find any of the other recommended flavors at my store, the other "Punch" flavors all sound interesting. I usually drink Red Bull, particularly the current Summer (Dragonfruit), and the Peach Nectarine, and sometimes Watermelon if I can't find the others. I really miss the old Cranberry Red Bull, I thought it tasted like Fruit Roll-ups.

David Browne

Monster Rehab Tea & Lemonade - tastes like AriZona Arnold Palmer half and half lemonade. tastier at room temperature, will make any pre-existing tremors 100k worse.

BrenaMarie

Also, no review for the standard Monster? A hole in the research!

Ste Saunders

This is truly important content, excellent work. Also I agree the mango flavoured ones are great. I like "The Doctor" too, seems it's not available in your area though. With Valentino Rossi retiring they may retire that flavour now, which is kinda sad.

Ste Saunders

It's my impression that Jeph's aware that Capri Sun is one of those flavors that not everyone likes, but many feel strongly about it in whatever direction their feelings take them.

Some Ed

Looking at the ingredients list and the known side effects of some of them... I'm not questioning that people can, but I'm not sure it's wise.

Some Ed

You've clearly not read a lot of my comments. I'm sure there's a character limit, but I've not yet run into it. Incidentally, linkedin's character limit for inmails is 1999, and I hit that on my second one.

Some Ed

Just in case there's a character limit, here's the rest: "Then, on top of it, there's the aftertaste. It's kind of sickly sweet and tastes vaguely of tea, but in a way that's gone off. Like tea that's soiled itself. Ever drank orange juice that was left out a bit too long and it turned vile and acidic? And the moment it's in your mouth you have the strangest sense of regret because you know you just screwed up? Yeah, it's kind of like that. My lips have a weird tingling sensation from drinking it, too. I regret buying this."

Chris Edwards

An Amazon buyer had this to say about the Yerba Mate flavor: "It tastes like soap, chemicals, and with a vague hint of dragonfruit. I swear this drink gets nastier every sip, too. The first taste of it? Great, but then the more I had the worse it got. And the worse it got. And the WORSE it got. Drinks aren't supposed to work like that. Why, Monster?! How could you? What happened? Who hurt you?"

Chris Edwards

https://external-preview.redd.it/vA5WFgwjV2ICmdSq7aMlcfwAPV1w9maTAIEWO8RYPbI.jpg?auto=webp&s=b39bc88a4a0febb4afa498b56435ef50c5457223

Joseph Bonnar

"Liquified smurf? Anyway it’s not bad." What aren't you telling us, Jeph?

Mark

I also like Ultra Red and Ultra Sunrise, will need to find and try the other highly rated ones on this list. Thanks, Jeph!

SC

Capri Sun/10 is a rather unique indexing system that is immediately identifiable.

dcy665 .

And?!

Mindi Young

I literally only recently realized that the ULTRA line is their sugar free line, and have kinda unofficially sworn those particular drinks off because I don't really like non-sugar sweeteners. The ultras are pretty good, but I'm sort of philosophically opposed to nss-es.

Valraven

I am not the first to think of Steven Universe's contribution to this genre, right? Which one tastes most like Sugar Shock Shut Down?

ValdVin

I generally drink Rockstar because Rockstar is 4 for 5 dollars and Monster is 2 for 5 dollars here.

Tony Woodward

I miss the Monster chai tea

Galbrush Threepwood

I'm ok with Ultra Gold sometimes, but on average, Monster is so weirdly sweet to me. I usually drink regular NOS (grapefruit flavor? kind of?) bc I like that citrus hit.

Grumpy Bird

Zero Ultra is great because its mildly sort of sweet but cuts down on the energy drink taste.

Aaron Schulz

You've done important work here. I'm diabetic so I stick to the Ultras and usually go with the Zero Ultra as it is, as you say, perfectly inoffensive. Sometimes I switch to the Ultra Gold (it's supposed to be... pineapple, I think?) But now I am keen to try Ultra Red. (I think I did try Ultra Sunrise and wasn't wild about it, but I'm not positive.) I saw someone mention Monster Rehabs and I used to drink those a lot, but they got weirdly hard to find here, I dunno. Mostly I could only find Rehab Lemonade which tore my throat up. Rehab Peach Tea is the stuff though, I'd get that all the time if I could.

R. Francis Smith

Love green apple flavors, literally bought an Ultra Paradise last night to try it based on this review.

uwtartarus

A very specific kind of sommelier

The Monster Mule Ginger Punch is my favourite by a country mile..... https://amzn.to/3gYVWOQ

theaardvark

they're really good! Literally the ONLY bad thing about them is they're 200 calories per can. But still, the far superior energy drink choice imho

Jeph Jacques

wild but true

Jeph Jacques

this is all we have in halifax! truly cursed

Jeph Jacques

I've only had the coffee and pipeline punch out of these but now I know! These ratings are amazing.

Ashley Robbins

Ultra Fiesta is supposed to be mango. Friend of mine hates mango and on smelling went ewww

Sarah Roberts

I believe this is definitively the correct ratings

Seems like your review is very accurate :) I agree You are missing some European flavours though, there is lemon ultra and cherry and orange, and also a ginger one, they are really good, almost like red

Kostronor

Oh my I think qualifies as going above and beyond the call of duty!!

Rik Kershaw-Moore

Thanks for the hilarious review. Apart from all the other things, what the heck is "Pipeline Punch" supposed to mean? The name makes me think of raw sewage or oil pipeline residue. :D Okay, given the chemical composition...

Ye Olde Phart

Monster Rehab. Don't know if that's still a thing. Great taste.

Mike Rodgers

I like the lemonade monster

Kyle Major

Dear God, thank you for making me a coffee drinker.

KCkittysnores

Wow Jeph has only sampled a small amount of the available monster library. There are so many more flavors currently in circulation.

dstayton

Jeph did this so we don't have to

Todd Ellner

Papillion is really good too if you like the mango one.

Em Dah

I used to drink the base orange one (Chaos?) occasionally in college when I really needed the caffeine for an all-nighter. These days I stick to coffee. Doesn’t give me heart palpitations. Thanks for this entertaining read.

D. Alfonso

Gotta be honest I've been singing the praises of the "juice" monsters for a long time. With mango at the peak. Seriously, no fake sugar taste, well-fruited, and a gorgeous can? What more do you want?

Migalway

I was wondering where the rehab reviews were. The peach tea didn't dissolve my stomach like other energy drinks did

Bonnie Doolittle

Yerba Mate flavor? I like yerba mate, used to drink it out of a gourd with a bombia all the time. I've had some bottled stuff that wasn't bad. But...as a Monster energy drink I would expect it to be terrible.

Tudza

oooof, My husband acquired an anaphylactic allergy to synthetic taurine from too many energy drinks. Go easy on those things!

Elizabeth Bear

The owners of Monster, Hansens, killed their competition in that using the courts. Anyone remember FREEK? Used to LOVE that stuff. Managed to take home about three cases of it after DragonCon one year due to just how much the company had given to the Consuite that year and we were the only ones still around who were driving.

I should _not_ have read this while eating...

Fay Roberts

I shake up whatever G Fuel I'm going to have then hit it with the drinkmate. (- Definitely tastes better than the ready made carbonated versions sold in 7-Eleven -)

Yeah, the Mango Loco and Papillon are the only flavors I'll buy.

Hilariously I agree with every one of your reviews. Mango Loco and Pipeline both slap, and the rest are pretty decent, but that tea one is so absolutely, horrendously, and disgustingly vile. Like how on earth did it get to the mass production phase? 10/10 - Would read your reviews on other products and trust them implicitly

This is the quality content I came here for. Unrelated, visiting family in Northampton next week. Might get a fancy beer if that pub's still there.

Mister Cletus

You brave fool!

Sparky

Doing god's work

MikeT

This is the content I didn't know I needed, thank you

Renee Wanger

Wow, a caffeinated beverage that tastes like coffee? What will they think of next!!!

fluffy

I haven't imbibed energy drinks since Rockstar killed their coconut-flavored one over a decade ago. Unrelated, I would love to see Jeph's reading list. These descriptions are awesome, and there's a link between what one reads and how one thinks.

I had a Monster once years ago and it made me violently sick. I haven't tried any since then and never will since I cut out caffeine to help with my anxiety. But I can live vicariously through your colorful descriptions.

Orion Rhine

Whatever is the taste of the yerba mate flavor, I'm sure it's still better than Beverly. I drank it once 15 years ago and the bad taste is still in my mouth.

Ricardo Bittencourt

I can't tell if he thinks Pipeline Punch is good or bad. PIPELINE PUNCH: Tastes exactly like how I remember a Capri Sun tasting. Capri Sun/10 So does he think Capri Sun was good or bad?

SilverbackRon

I love Mango Loco but I had to stop drinking monster and other caffeinated drinks when I had a bout of atrial fibrillation last month caused by my caffeine habit 😪

Does Jeph hold the can in his drawing hand, or not? If not, face collisions could affect flavor perception.

BobC

This is reminiscent of the four loco “tasting party” I had with some friends a few years ago

I generally don't like energy drinks, but i'd try one that was capri sun flavored.

As a longtime connoisseur of Monster, I will keep these in mind for whenever I can find anything other than green, blue, white, or coffee.

Anthony Gaglianese

Gak.

Maurice Kessler

It hadn't really sunk in that these were things that people could drink. Thanks for this.

Stephen Ray

Whatever your opinion on particular flavors is (mostly agree!) Monster seems to be the only energy drink brand capable of producing anything besides "citric acid flavor" and "redbull but worse".

virtulis

This was entirely unexpected and unexpectedly great.

Slashplane

I had an Arizona Iced Tea Sugar free Lemonaid Energy Drink (TM) It was so bad after I tasted it I did not trust my reaction so I tried it again to be sure, big mistake.

I came here to say the same thing. I love good Ginger Ale/Beer, so this is right up my alley. https://www.monsterenergy.com/products/monster-energy/monster-mule

Populuxe

Seconded. And I don’t even like coffee.

Populuxe

Ultra Fiesta is supposed to be like a sour mango flavor, but I like the way you described it better.

Nicholas Lopez

I don't drink energy drinks. I get my daily start the same way my ancestors did during the neolithic: Waking up knowing that if I can't outrun the fastest saber tooth I'm gonna DIE.

Joseph Bonnar

10/10 would read and enjoy Jeph’s reviews again

Natalie Wagner

Hah! Underrated comment.

Daniel Rydberg

I absolutely love your descriptions! I don't drink Monster at all, but it's refreshing (yes, pun intended) that the only one I would even consider is also the only one you rated 10/10.

awgiedawgie

Zero Ultra FTW

Chris Moewes

OK, most of these are available in my home country, but not all of them, and now I kinda wanna try those *for science* (Ultra Watermelon sounds ATROCIOUS, and I want it)

lazymagpie

I am not the target demographic for energy drinks, but I enjoyed your reviews very much. Thank you.

Amy ☣

Do it again and force yourself to pour it into a glass and also review their looks. Can’t remember which one, but one of them really looks like window cleaner. (Don’t really do it unless you really want to)

Daniel Rydberg

Haha! Nice!

Thomas Halpin

No Dragon Tea in your area huh? Funny enough Mango is my favorite too; it's the closest you can get to the original 2005 Rockstar Juiced...

NekoIncardine

This is the sort of highly questionable content I am here for. Well, the webcomic too, obviously. But this is great, just like *checks notes* mango loco Monster is, at least according to the esteemed Webcomicer, Jeph Jacques.

Colin

I disagree.

Matthew Van Gangelen

back when I drank the stuff, I was all about the Low Carb Monster Flavor. Once accidentally left a can in the car in summer. So it wasn't just warm and flat, it was hot. Tasted like honeyed ginger tea, surprisingly enough. These days, it's Sodastream's cola syrup and a shot of Liquid Caffeine. Used to be 50/50 cola and energy flavors, but changes were needed when covid affected my supply line.

Ardent Slacker

Back when I drank Rockstar I said the diet one tasted like cat piss and the blue "zero carb" tasted like cat piss with berries.

Not bad...I assumed they were all -10/10

Lisa

That's exactly what Sunrise tastes like. Good review, 9/10

Track down some Monster Mule. Not everywhere carries them for some reason, but they're the best of the monsters.

snotrocketscience

God the Yerba mate one. They were a dollar and I bought one anyway. It was like drinking cigarette soda. Vile.

Ethan Fardoux

Now to try some Mayonster spread.

Devin Gates

The list we all needed and deserve thank you from the pits of my stomach

Bacon Lord

same

The Rehab line is pretty good. The Tea+Lemonade and peach tea flavors use real tea (according to the ingredient list) and they aren't carbonated. They have that slightly-off taste that all bottled/canned iced tea has (compared to fresh brewed) but it's mostly ignorable (or it at least blends in with the chemical flavors from the energy ingredients)

Mango Loco Punch kind of reminds me of Arizona Mucho Mango, in that I really wouldn't have expected that flavor to work before drinking it but it turns out to be the best thing attached to the entire brand

Jon

This review is right on the money, thank you for speaking my truth

CW Foxfaer

The future is now and it's kinda weird. 8/10.

Somebody Else

I keep trying to make myself love Ultra Watermelon, but it’s not happening. Instead, I buy Ultra Rosa and wish it was Ultra Red until I buy Ultra Red and wish it was Ultra Rosa. Rehab Strawberry Lemonade is simultaneously amazing and not nearly good enough.

Wednesday

If coffee-Coke has proven anything to me, it’s that coffee pairs with soft drinks eerily well

el_zilcho

This is actually very helpful to me which is as surprising for me as for you, thank you Mr. Jacks

Cody Renton

I had a mango loco problem for a very long time

This was fairly entertaining and informative. Thank you for your research.

Maria E.

Is that... divided by 10?..

George Passantino

I didn't know I needed this

amblam

OMG ded

George Passantino

I don't know what to do with this information. I never have and probably never will drink Monster Energy Drinks.

Scott Vogel

Ultra Fiesta is supposed to be mango. https://www.caffeineinformer.com/monster-zero-ultra-energy-drink

Hel M

This is the Patreon content I signed up for. This is totally something I would do.

Ginaelisa Cortez

"Capri Sun/10" is my favorite rating.

drone r0m-3

Thank you for doing this research so I don't have to. My liver and kidneys applaud you.

William Taylor

Now I know where all the AI's get their color schemes from.

John Seiler