Eh

This is how I feel in every marital fight lol

Paladinos presents Ben Folds Three with two.... Well you know

this is almost exactly what my husband and I went through for our initial wedding plan (although covid changed things and we did a very small group of family and friends). His side of the guest list was like, 12 people max, and my side was easily 100. I wasn't necessarily upset at him for having so few, but I kept asking him like "are you sure? what about so and so?"

Morgyn

...I don't think anyone here told Dora to go back to therapy as an insult?

Lucas Werkmeister

Emotional labor is definitely a real concept, but there are factors here: 1- Tai can't help Dora prioritize her friends or delegate any of that labor. 2- Tai making more wedding-tier friends so she can have as many as Dora thinks she SHOULD have doesn't make sense. 2b- I don't think Tai is just being emotionally lazy, like she has a lot of people she WOULD invite but it's too hard to print their invites. I think she's being honest about what she wants and just happens to want a small affair. 3- Dora's agonizing over available space, but Tai having a small wish list frees a lot of space. If they each budgeted for 50 people per person but Tai only really has 5 people who truly matter to her, that frees up 45 people for Dora to not have to agonize over. What's the answer? For Tai to start inviting people she doesn't really want to invite? Tai making choices for Dora's side she doesn't understand? The Emotional Labor answer is probably Tai uses her surplus on people inviting energy to pick up some slack somewhere else in the wedding so Dora can feel like she has more free energy to focus on her more complex guest wishes. MAYBE Tai is already doing that, it's outside the scope of what we know about them. (Tai's relaxed attitude could be dropping the ball elsewhere on the Emotional Labor field.)

Shane Wegner

I am absolutely Tai. 💯

Saucentric

I had this conversation with my ex-wife at my first marriage. That was different as we were truly limited on how many we could for in the venue. When I got married the second time I said up front: here’s my “must” list and here’s my “nice” list of Attendees and I said “as long as my “must” list shows up I don’t care and my wife was happy to take control. Plus she had a lot mire family to invite

Lyman Green

See, this is exactly what happened with my wedding, except that I got lucky: My (now ex) wife was a control freak who was insanely happy when I expressed no opinion about the arrangements I had left to her. My oldest niece eloped last year, and she couldn't have made a better decision. She and her guy just decided to avoid all the drama and went on a two-week vacation to a national park and got married there amongst all the natural beauty and now I kinda wish I had. This is pretty much *literally* one of the problems we had that was never resolved. She had a huge extended family and tons of friends, while I had like ten people on my guest list aside from immediate (and very nuclear) family. And half of those couldn't come. Of course what my ex took from it was that my lack of guests made *her* look bad... which should have been a huge warning sign right there

Churchill (formerly TeaBear)

I am definitely feeling Dora's frustration on this one. It makes it seem like Tai doesn't care about their wedding, or think it's important, if she won't be bothered to put in the work to invite people. Also, presumably, Tai *does* have people (Martin, Claire, etc.) she wants to invite but is just expecting Dora to invite those people for her - if Dora had also just said "I'm just inviting my Mom and Dad" they'd have no wedding, and it seems like Tai would be disappointed. So, she's expecting Dora to do the work of inviting everyone to the wedding, without an acknowledging the unfair labor division. If they'd said, Dora does the guest list while Tai like, negotiates with the caterers or something that would feel different.

If they had just been working together on the list from the start, then no undivided distribution of emotional labor would have occurred. Sigh. I think that people are being too hard on Dora. Spelling out exactly why you are frustrated to someone who has literally no idea what you're upset about when it is obvious to you is exhausting, especially since the issue here is likely that Dora thinks Tai is not pulling her weight in emotional labor, and now additional emotional labor is needed to EXPLAIN that. That said, I also think that it's really weird that Dora didn't seem to already know that she is friends with basically all of Tai's friends (again...why did they split this task in half).

Kimberly Herman

Oh goodie, the "Dora is an insecure bitch that ruins all of her relationships" crowd is clogging up the comments section. Here's a tip: don't tell someone to "go back to therapy" as an insult. This is a case of miscommunication/lack of communication, resulting in one partner being stressed/upset and another partner being confused/possibly upset. It is not a PROBLEM. It is LIFE. They probably should have had a casual conversation about the general number of people either of them would want to invite. They didn't, and so Dora was stressing about trying to make sure she didn't invite too many people in order to be considerate about how many Tai would possibly want to invite. Now Dora is upset about the stress she went through and Tai is confused about why Dora was stressed at all. In her mind, being laid back about stuff results in less stress, which = good, thus she's confused about Dora's reaction. In Dora's mind, Tai being laid back means she doesn't care about the work Dora put into this, which results in her being upset. I know some of y'all think that referencing ONE strip from literally YEARS ago means that Dora should have known that Tai wouldn't want to invite a lot of people or that she didn't have a lot of close friends. I know time works differently in the QC-verse but you are bound to forget things your partner has said and you are always learning things about them, no matter how close to them you are or how long you've been together. Nobody is wrong here. They are learning things about each other and how their respective minds operate. It is stressful, and that's okay. They're talking now, and there might be some sore feelings, but this can happen in a relationship. Nobody is "sabotaging" anything.

A.A. aka Double

But there's really no evidence that Tai cares any less. The past three strips have been Tai engaging, Tai asking questions, Tai being involved. She just doesn't have very many people to invite. That's not not caring, that's just not having a lot of friends.

Morgan

Technically, she only ever told Marten about that. As far as we know, she's never explicitly said that to Dora.

Lucanid Landman

So Tai needs more stress in her life? She's certainly marrying the right person for that.

Mark

David Larsen commented on another thread- "I'm kind of pleased to see Dora messing something up here (though I won't be pleased if they don't manage to sort it out). Have felt for a while that a few more of her problems with Marten needed to surface in this relationship as well, or she wasn't going to keep reading as the same person for me." Tai seems to work at de-escalation, whereas Marten was prone to the opposite, so maybe the outcome will be different.

Mark

This is kind of brilliant, because it absolutely highlights one of Dora's issues and a common aspect of... well, humanity.

Eric Burns-White

Let me just say, "Can you please explain this to me like I am a very stupid person? Because this is escalating and I don't know why." is a pure genius bit of writing, and should be used on a regular basis with loved ones where that happens.

Mooster

Looking back a couple of strips, it seems like they'd agreed to a small reception, and it's clearly driving Dora nuts paring down her guest list. Tai recognizes that she's suffering, but instead of offering some space from her half, she just shrugs it off and jokes about it. I think that's the issue, here. A better response may have been, "Well, I'm not inviting many people, and most of whom I'd invite would certainly overlap with your list, so you can use the rest of my spots." (Or, something like that.) I will give Tai credit though for not just taking the easy out of "It's nothing." Dora is clearly upset, and they need to talk it out.

Matt Pedone

Dammit! Is Dora still in therapy? If not, she needs to make an appointment STAT! We all know Dora's history of neurotically sabotaging her relationships. At least Tai is handling it properly. Giving Dora a chance to explain while MAYBE thinking it over before she blows up completely.

Reading back over this page and the last couple, I have this interpretation: Tai asked so that she could be involved and show interest, Dora has had a hard time cause she has a lot of potential guests and in trying to find out a possible hard cap asked about Tai's list. The major stresser is not so much Tai's eh, it's that Dora what's to show more of an equal distribution between the 2(a merging of 2 lives, not a takeover of the other) the major problem is that Tai doesn't have many people in her life and only invite the ones important to her. This Dora is back at square one cause she doesn't have an excuse of "well Tai invited X number, so I can invite X and such" And I think with the core friends, they were probably a given so this is most likely on top of them. Tai even said that she doesn't have many to invite to her wedding. So I think it's going to have to be someone like Claire or Bubbles to step in and say that the can have a larger reception.

James Cooper

Dora is a small business owner. If she isn't stressed she probably is missing something important

Randall Norman Pick

this is called "synergy". Dora gets to invite essentially twice the number of people, which makes her agonizing decisions less agonizing, and Tai gets to make Dora happy. make the rational choice, Dora!

ezazel

Oh, I don't know. I invited most of mine.

Lenore J Jones

Dora thinks that "cares about it" and "is stressed about it" are synonymous, Tai does not.

Stephen Wells

Dora! No!

Hasn’t Tai already made it clear that her entire friend group is composed of people she met through Marten and Dora, all of which Dora probably already invited? I coulda sworn there was a conversation she had with Marten about having burned all previous bridges. If so, it’s kinda on Dora for not remembering that.

ERRORCODE616

Except that's not what she's concerned about. Her stated problem is Tai not stressing over putting together her list. She made no comment at all on the size of her list.

MiqoRems

As has been pointed out many, many times... the only thing we've seen here so far is that Tai's guest list is small. She INITIATED this conversation. *She asked Dora* how it was going. She actively got involved in checking on the planning. There is zero evidence at this point that Tai is being uninvolved.

MiqoRems

It's never too late to snatch Defeat from the jaws of Victory, Dora!

Shane Wegner

The three panels on the left are Team Dora, while the three panels on the right are Team Tai.

Aleks

Fucks Given is a precious, limited resource, and I wholeheartedly support their conservation for only important things.

Shane Wegner

"What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power?! Or were just born with a heart full of _neutrality_?" https://youtu.be/JY6RyRkl9uo

Shane Wegner

"I want you to care about this the same level I do!" "Ok but I don't tho"

Shane Wegner

Tai's "eh, whatever" is how I try to approach life, because otherwise I end up doing Dora and agonizing over everything and driving myself insane...and I have enough stress and anxiety as it is.

Chris Crowther

I'm always on team Dora Chill the Fuck Out.

Justin Alexander

I’m on team Tai here

Tai and Dora have very different management styles. Dora runs her own business in the notoriously unstable hospitality industry. She's accustomed to stressing over every detail, budgeting for every cent, managing risks, and having to make major decisions like hiring and firing. Tai has a job she basically can't lose so long as she doesn't actually burn the library down. She's spent much of her adult life doing drugs and having sex, and being around people who are doing the same. She has little reason not to believe that her hands-off approach won't lead to things all working out, because, so far, it has. Would that we all could live more like Tai and less like Dora, but, sadly, that's not often what fate has in store for us.

Diptych

I have no strong feelings about this

Dylan T

I'm actually more worried by the fact that Tai doesn't understand why Dora is concerned by her not having any friends outside of Dora's circle than I am worried by the fact that no, she *doesn't* have any friends outside Dora's circle.

Ben Russell-Gough

I’d say the fact that this is causing a divide (and honestly, a bit of drama) in the COMMENTS is in and of itself pretty telling... 😬

VGreenGoblinV

Marten does have exp with a similar situation doesn’t he!

Andrew

Oh Tai. I assume she will need a quick panic session with Marten.

Bagge

God damnit, Dora!

OldGoat

I hit two out of three on those... I remember my wedding: I just wanted to have one. I didn't care about the reception or the guest list or whether to have white or pink tablecloths. As far as I was concerned, I'd have been happy with a pastor, two witnesses, and the bride... And yes, there were a lot of fights like this. Actually, there were a lot of fights - period. I should never have married that woman. But since I can't go back in time and undo that (Doctor Who already showed us what happens if you try to fix a wedding), I'll have to settle for yelling "Run while you can! You can still escape!" every time I see a couple taking wedding photos in a public place.

Tom wilson

This is one of the takes that I agree with. It's some evidence that as a couple they're not yet communicating clearly about matters that affect them both, and maybe assuming a little too much that an awesome sex life will automatically make everything OK.

Clifton Royston

We had just 10 peeps because we got married in Hawaii - no stress.

Sparky

The evidence that Jeph wrote this entirely realistically is that: * 1/3 of the patrons have already identified with and are defending Dora, * 1/3 have firmly lined up with Tai, and * most of the remainder are saying "Yeah this happened with our wedding planning, and wow was it a problem."

Clifton Royston

somehow I am both of them at once 🙃

JD

That last panel. I've needed those exact words before and never had them, having been on both sides of similar conversations.

Matthew McIntosh

I mean, the Vinn Diagram of Dora & Tai's friends might as well be a perfect circle. And in the places they don't overlap its prolly just Tai's parents and ALL of her former college paramours from her polyam-dorm life days. And I get a feeling Dora would NOT want the latter at her wedding.

Josh Moberly

Ah yes, the common problem/conversation that needs to happen in wedding planning. "You just don't care, do you?" "Uh, no. I don't. I'm marrying you. If I get to the wedding and you're there and we get married, I *won* and the rest is just extra."

Daniel S

I'm fully with you on this. I've been working for years to try and be more like Tai in the last panel. I only wish that I was always able to be that calm and aware of what is going on in the moment.

FeyOne

And she needs to say something like that: "Dora, I want my mom and dad to be there. Aside from that, I DON'T CARE who is there. As long as YOU are there, the rest of the world can kiss my ass. I want you. the rest is only important to me because it's important to you."

Czarzhan

Here's hoping that what we see in the end of this page is Dora realizing that she's on her bullshit again and needs to talk to a therapist.

Thomas Halpin

Man, I forgot about proper relationship conflict in this strip (as opposed to, "I don't know how I feel about you/you feel about me/new connections are scary"). Panels 3 & 4 are almost triggering for me, & Tai in panel 6 is so good & I feel for her. Calling out that it's escalating is super smart, instead of just following the escalation, & I hope Dora's more aware of (& has done some work on) her shit than when she & Marten split. Anyway Jeph this is super well written, thank you, & I'm sorry as I know you don't like having your characters fight (or at least I recall you saying you didn't a few years ago).

Pejo

Maybe we're seeing different comments, but most of the ones I see are, "Poor Tai, putting up w/ Dora doing her shit again," & an occasional, "Yeah, Dora's not being very helpful, but I'm sure this is where she's coming from: ____"

Pejo

This is funnily an echo of my own wedding to my wife. She had a guest list that was fairly burgeoning with extended family and good friends, and I had like my immediate family and one close friend to invite, making my side of the wedding pretty small in comparison. While my wife didn't really get angry or annoyed at me for it, she did try repeatedly to ensure I wasn't missing someone important or wanted to expand the scope of my list to more extended family. For the most part I ceded my side to her family, as my family and friends could easily occupy just two rows of seats and one table at the reception.

Given that Tai was the one who initiated this conversation, and was actively being involved in the discussions about planning the wedding, and things didn't go wrong until Dora ran headfirst into Tai's not having many people to invite - I'm disappointed in everyone leaping to heap shit on Tai. Honestly, I feel a lot worse for Tai in this exchange than Dora. Jeph may show us something in the next several comics that indicates Tai has been doing something wrong but so far there isn't any indication of that.

FeyOne

That... doesn't work. It actually escalates things depending on who your SO is. Ask me how I know...

Chuck Dee

Andrew, this whole thing started because Tai asked Dora how things were coming with her half of the guest list. Tai initiated the conversation. Tai was checking up on the planning. Tai was being involved in the conversations about it. It wasn't until Dora saw that Tai has a tiny guest list, while Dora has been agonizing over whittling down her massive one, that things started going wrong. Tai hasn't been flippant anywhere in here.

FeyOne

All we have so far is the guest list. I think we can all guess that Dora views it as bigger than that, but I'm not prepared to blame Tai with "putting the responsibility" on Dora without more information. If that is what Tai is doing, then it needs adjusting; but I'm a bit shocked at how fast people are jumping to saying that Tai is doing something wrong when we don't know that yet.

FeyOne

Then Dora should speak up about it (which looks to happen next strip), far as we know this is the first they're talking about progress since agreeing to halve the list. Kinda not fair to be upset to Tai who has realized that she doesn't really have anybody to invite to such a major event.

Brent

God Dora keeps pissing me off. I hope she doesn't fuck up this relationship too.

Scott Hilton

both.

Katy Kania

I love the way Jeph writes relationships. This is such a real conversation people have!

Jeff Gedney

As someone who is currently planning a wedding, your partner wants you to care about what's happening, by being flippant about whats going on all you are showing is that you don't care, and if you don't care, why bother doing it in the first place.

DonnieRamesJio

oof, the conflicting personalities are starting to show.

Absentia

"Man, I feel this." "Dora or Tai?" "Yes."

Adam Abbott

Oh Tai, honey, you're being so well-meaning and trying to be accommodating, but putting all of the responsibility of having opinions about difficult decisions on Dora.

What about on the gripping hand?

Bruce Steinberg

I think it’s more: “You don’t seem to be as invested in planning the wedding as I am.”

Bruce Steinberg

I said pretty much the same thing to my now wife when we were discussing the invite list. I ... should probably ask if she was okay with that.

Given Dora's past forays with insecurity, I'm guessing that Tai's flippant remarks has her fearing that Tai isn't as invested in the wedding. Tai, on the other hand, probably has few people she cares about that isn't covered by Dora's list.

Granite

Huh, didn't consider it from that angle. Which, given that both myself and my partner hate decision making, is a bit surprising. Good point! ^_^

Cole Blackblood

Poor Tai.

I'm gonna take a guess and say Dora feels like Tai isn't putting as much worth into the wedding as she is, since she's being laid back whereas Dora is stressing tf out. That said, I think this may also be Dora's own insecurities working against her again.

Cole Blackblood

This is going to be a sad reveal of how few people Tai had in her life that really cared about her, until she joined this group of friends. I'm sure that Tai and Dora will resolve the communication issue, but still sucks for younger Tai.

Danya Michael

"You need to be as stressed out about this as I am" is not a great look, Dora

Ed Marshall

I was the Tai in my wedding and in retrospect it's super easy to understand why Dora is upset here. It's hard to have all the emotional baggage of making these decisions and be paired with someone who is along for the ride. It makes it feel like the load isn't being shared. Even though what Tai is *trying* to do is ease the burden by deferring to Dora, she's actually placing more of a burden on Dora. That doesn't mean Dora is faultless, but I get it.

Samuel Fout

Time to discuss 👐emotional labor👐

Claire McKenna

I've never related to anyone in anything on such a fundamental level as Tai in the last panel

CalmWeaver27

THAT WASN'T AN ORGY PIT YOU SICK FUCK, IT WAS A MASS GRAVE!!!

Shawn K. Younkin

Amen to that. I thought she'd moved beyond this. I am truly terrified.

Michael Boettger

This should have come up in conversation before dividing the invitation duties. They know that they have mutual friends, they should have listed all those before splitting off into separate lists. Then it would have been easier to say "ok, I only need a couple more invites" instead of just assuming Dora was going to invite all your friends, Tai.

Creepy Cat Lady

It's about sharing the responsibility

Elberik

All Tai's college "friends" are old hookups. You don't invite those to your wedding.

awgiedawgie

It's a rite of passage

Ting

Especially when your defense is " ur doin it rong"

We'll se if it works...

Kenneth Carlile

Please don't be like Dora here. If you've a problem with somebody, and it's clearly going to upset you, then don't sigh in frustration and then say it's "Nothing." That is, to be frank, douche behavior. If you act irritated with people, you owe them a reason.

Rob McBobson

Not necessarily. Introverts do marry extroverts; some people have huge extended families while others do not; sometimes couples grow up in the same small town. Not everyone with overlapping social circles is doomed.

Jennifer Doyle

I would so be Tai in this. I'd have very few people I would want to invite - maybe 10 people, absolute tops, and that would be stretching it.

Pete Hanson

No Tai, you can not call Marten to translate.

MikeT

I confess that with all the other ships docking and sailing, I have somehow lost touch a bit with Dora.

If your spouse-to-be is upset that you're not enthusiastic enough about the wedding, the perfect line is "Honey, to me it's not about the wedding ceremony. I'm having this wedding with you because I want to be married to you."

Rob McBobson

Tai doesn't really have any friends except Marten and Claire, who are already Dora's friends anyway.

Morgan

Probably not Dora's problem, but if I was Dora I'd be so excited to marry this awesome person and I'd want to share that joy and kind of show off my new wife... And Tai not wanting to invite anyone is like "oh this wedding isn't really worth sharing." I know that's not at all what Tai is doing, but emotions can be super whack

Morgan Ferguson

I think Tai once said she really didn't have any friends other than Marten and his circle... which is basically the same as Dora's circle... so she's being honest there. OTOH, Tai doesn't always get why people get worked up about things. OTOOH, Dora does tend to escalate almost instinctively...

Hugh Eckert

Wait wait wait, Tai doesn't especially want ANY of her friends at her wedding? What exactly is the value of a wedding to her, and what exactly is the value she puts on having friends?

Leaflemming

It's not Tai's fault that she doesn't really have any close friends and family. All she cares about is Dora.

JD

Dora's been stressing over it while Tai seems to 'not care'. She does care, she just has very few people she'd want to invite to such a thing - keep in mind Dora never got the spiel Tai gave to Marten about how she has no real friends outside of the main cast.

Reyn Goldfur

Don't you hurt me again Jeph

I can definitely see Dora's point of view here and Tai should have mentioned that she only wanted to invite two people before Dora put all that effort into narrowing down her list so there'd be room for all the people Tai wanted to invite. On the other hand, "doesn't know how to not have problems" is a very good line.

Diptych

Tai not escalating is exactly what Dora needs.

Jackie Horn

Weddings stress out even the best couples.

darklion

As a person who just got married in October, I totally feel Dora's frustration but understand why Tai is confused. This was totally me and my husband. I hope they talk this out without it escalating too far.

If Dora doesn't realize by now that Tai will be happy so long as she's with Dora, and that none of the rest matters, I don't know what will make that click for her.

Samantha Yeaman

Dora has been putting a lot of emotional energy into cutting her guest list, and now, Tai’s made all that hard work moot. And Tai doesn’t even GET it. I mean, this is a resolvable problem, but I got married once. My spouse never really understood the guest list drama, and it was frustrating at the time.

KCkittysnores

This is a problem though. It's an uneven relationship if you're most of your partner's social circle

I need to memorize Tai's response in the last panel for future use.

ALL I CAN SAY IS THERE HAD BETTER BE A BETTER ORGY PIT THAN THE LAST WEDDING I WENT TO!

Yelling Bird

It's okay, Tai, I don't have any clue what the issue is either.

Morgan

The Zen of "Eh."

Michael Voorhis

I think the problem is Dora doesn't know how to not have problems.

TV4Fun

Happy lesbian day of visibility Tai! I'm glad the comic featured her today.

Morgan

oh noooooooo

illibuster

Communication is important, kids.

Ted Van Roekel

Oh look it me.

Emotional labor is very real

Potato Moses

I'm Tai in this and me and my fiance are still debating the list LOL (My side is maybe 15%, shared 25%, rest is hers)

Max D S

Dora, for gods’ sakes, please don’t do this shit again.

EnterTheHero

Poor Tai.

Tara Cook