Art for myself or for others?

So I have been reflecting lately on a lot of things, especially my art.  I have realized I like to draw, but I dont love drawing like I use to be.  I also feel whenever I draw something I am mostly doing it for other people.  This is something I've noticed I've been doing for a very long time, but even more so lately.  There is a weird feeling when you wake up "I want to draw!" and then think "Well they would like this so I guess I'll draw this..." and now its a chore.

So growing up I never received positive reinforcement when it came to my art. I was always compared to my cousins who would copy/trace art where as I would try to draw something freehand.  Therefore mine wasn't as good in comparison.  They never improved and could never draw anything without a reference, where as I could, but still they would get praise for what they USE to do.  Even when I finally had an art class I was told my art wasn't any good.  My art teacher told me to quit art.  I did, for 6 months before finally slowly drawing again.

Since then, when I would draw something or post it online there is a part of me afraid to be compared to others.  But over the years of self teaching myself art, I noticed certain pieces of artwork get more praise and recognition.  As one who didn't get praise around my artwork when younger, it was an almost high.  I felt good about it.  So I would keep drawing what people wanted.  I would try to draw my own works, but usually it was passed up.

Even in recent times, I could sketch something stupid within an hour, and spend days on a single piece the the something stupid would get the attention.  This has happened many times.  It even happened with a contest to an anime convention.  I spent hours on each piece for their entries over the years, but when I would also submit a semi gag piece, something that I just slapdashed together, and that gag piece is what places, I began to second guess myself.

Over the years I find myself slowly moving away from drawing what I enjoy and drawing what "sells."  Sure I can ask art folk but they say similar things.  For example: I love drawing digitally.  I can more freedom with colors and just like the overall feel of it.  However I get so much better feedback on my traditional saying it has more personality and more detailed.  That is an illusion I fee. The personality are mistakes I can't correct and the detail is just unsmooth lines that trick the eye into thinking there is more going on than there is.  But it made me start to second guess doing digital.  I love digital! But I started feeling guilty because I knew people didn't like it. I didn't want to lose the few people that did like my artwork because I decided to keep drawing what they didn't prefer.  (I like drawing traditional from time to time, but usually in black in white, I love working on beta)

Even at conventions I am mostly a fanartist now.  Even to that extent, a chibi fanartist.  Sure I like drawing fan art now and again, but there is often a pressure to keep up with the latest trends, and as a principle I watch all series I draw.  Sometimes I want to draw fanart but know it wont sell so I dont bother.  Or I make so many damn chibis to turn into keychains and pillows because thats the demand.  I've tried full body and I had to resort to giving them away in mystery bags. Let alone try anything original.  I made original things and sat on them for years.  I made a manga, and ordered 15 copies of it, I still have 4 copies left, and I bring them with me to every con.  I had to mark them down to less than 50%, so I'm now selling them at a loss, just to try to get sales on them.  It's terribly discouraging

On top of that I found myself trying to push myself more into making animation because I had SO MANY people tell me to work on it.  So much positive feedback I felt great about it.  So I tried to make more, and study it more. However, I don't actually enjoy animating. I made them for my channel opening and ending, I really didn't want to spend so much time on it.  I had people tell me to quit making the videos I do and just make animations.  I felt really bad about this, because I didn't want to, but felt if my animations really are getting so much feedback then I should.  I started writing out a 10 minute long animation that would take me over a year to make, and the idea of it causes me dread.  Trying to make a quick animation for a new ending has proved how little I know and desire to make animations.  This makes me feel terrible because I really wanted to do this for the patreon community as well as others who wanted more animations.

So where I am at now, I know people will tell me to draw what I want, but there is a guilt that comes with that. I feel people are expecting certain things from me.  And with lack of engagement in my work I know my mind will go into dark places.  Its part depression part impostor syndrome I think. ( is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be. While early research focused on the prevalence among high-achieving women, impostor syndrome has been recognized to affect both men and women equally.  )

I've started to try to draw a bit more for myself, with the NSFW twitter, but even so I want to draw men, because that is what I'm attracted to, but my followers are men, who want to see women.  I'm okay with drawing tits, which is why I've drawn a lot of futa, but I want those that support me enjoy what I draw too.  Ah, see where my dilemma comes from?  It's a struggles between drawing what others would like VS what I would like.

Anyways, I'm not sure what to do.  I do know I may put that animation project on the back burner and instead make a comic.  I really miss drawing comics, I love drawing comics! It's a lot of fun! So maybe I will do that instead, and I will be able to tell the story I actually want to instead of once that fits into my animation ability.   

Sorry for the long read! And if I lose patreons over this, I will understand.  I need to draw for me for a while. Forgive me for being selfish!