What's been going on - Update

Hi all, I first want to apologize about my absence pretty much everywhere. I'm sorry I keep disappearing, my depression and anxiety are random and when they hit, they hit hard.

Depression is a hard thing to talk about. In my head, I always feel my problems are very insignificant and if I go to someone, it just feels like I'm complaining or wasting their time. I want to say I've been getting better, I got a therapist, have been talking more to my parents. It all seems ok in the beginning, but there is always that nagging thought that holds me back from truly recovering and getting better, the one that strikes at the worst times to ruin your day, your week, or even a whole month. What makes it worse is that, that thought is your worst enemy, it knows everything about you, what you like and dislike, your strengths and weaknesses, and it always knows how to make things hurt.

I'm suffering from not only depression and anxiety, but also imposter syndrome. I don't believe I should be getting all the success I have and I often question why. I want to say this episode hit when I posted February's pin up on my twitter. Within 12 hours, it was above 100 likes and 20 retweets. I only typically get around 20 likes total on a single post, and that's after some time has passed. Well seeing this, I kinda panicked. I couldn't think of why this was blowing up. My follower count shot up to 400 and then on DA, I hit 800 watchers shortly after. I was overwhelmed and it broke me. If you follow me on DA, you know I typically always respond with a thank you of sorts. After this happened, I stopped because I didn't think I deserved anybody to follow me, I'm sorry to the people who did and didn't get a reply. I stopped talking in my discord and I stopped drawing because I guess I was scared. I had commissions people were waiting on, scheduled drawings I promised for patreon. And each day I waited to tell everyone about it, the worse it got to not only tell you but also turn on my laptop and draw. 

My therapist made me set some goals so I had something to work towards to slowly get myself acclimated back into the everyday flow. I decided I would build myself a garden and start growing things in my backyard. After a couple weeks of work it was built and I needed plants to fill it. Going to a local nursery I saw that their sign out front said they were hiring and I had a job working at my college's greenhouse when I was still a student and I loved it, and also my therapist suggested a job could help with at least a distraction from the depression. Two days later I had myself an interview and then orientation and the following day I worked my first shift. I signed myself up for 9-6 Thursday through Sunday which left me no time to draw or have really any free time.

Today I finally bit the bullet and sat down the color the commission I had left uncolored for almost 2 weeks, and I've decided I need a dedicated break just to free myself from all this stress in my life right now. I will be taking the month of April off from drawing any patreon related content. I will still try to draw commissions or at least start them and any whim drawings I decide to do. They will all be free to everyone if I do make any. I will also pause April's billing to prevent any unnecessary billing. It still will charge anyone who pledges during April since this Patreon is set to charge up front. As for the rest of the month of March, I have Monday-Wednesday off from work which I will be using to draw March's pin up.

I'm sorry to anyone I've worried and I understand if you decide to leave, I will try to get better soon and get back to making any kind of content.

I will be back in May if I don't post anything before then.