ernaburn

New angle unlocked

Added 2023-11-05 21:24:59 +0000 UTC

I rearrange all my furniture every 3 weeks in hopes of jostling my brain around enough to unlock something.

The last few weeks I've been feeling like everything I do is very pointless. I think a lot of people may be feeling this way with the current state of the world, so I know I'm not alone. But sexy work can feel especially...wrong during these times.

It occurred to me this week that many people spend a lifetime striving toward achieving perfect romance and sex. People fantasize about a perfect partner, the purist love, the best, seemingly unattainable sex they'll never have. But what happens when you've been utterly spoiled? When you spent a lifetime chasing all that, and then...got it? I didn't expect to ever get there, I suppose, and I'm a bit confused about what comes next. I didn't grow up a hot girl or a popular girl, and suddenly at age 30 people were pouring it on me. Not to say my love or sex life is now perfect, far from it. But I have fulfilled some of my ultimate fantasies...I've had absolutely wild experiences. Tales I cannot even tell here due to NDA's lol. I peaked, maybe. And ever since, it feels like I can only roll down, down from there.

I often work alone, not always, but more than I used to. My therapist suggested maybe more community-based projects would be good for me, and I don't think she's wrong. I had a few things in the pipeline before she even suggested it (which you will hear more about soon!) but it made me think...it made me crave those weird New York City art nights, where you (may or may not) do drugs and goof around and create just for the purpose of creating. Something cool or meaningful may come out of it, but maybe not - and that's okay too.

So last night I gathered a few friends, people not in this SW / OF / IG world, but creative friends with normal grown-up day jobs. I just wanted to see and be seen in a different way than just sexy I suppose. I felt nervous at first, like the pressure was on - because I had insisted that we become "unhinged" and let go of control a bit. I thought we might draw or paint or sew, ANYTHING but take photos. But one of the friends brought a vintage Polaroid camera they just accquired, and I couldn't help but show her my emulsion lift transfers (which I've posted here before). I had never tried with it black and white film...I photographed her with some props and it turned out incredible.

Maybe instead of fighting this thing I'm good at, photographic imagery...maybe I can just sit with it, and be okay for a while. I find myself drawn to creative directing more than anything, but I know those commercial positions in NYC are among the most miserable people I know. So perhaps I just need to find my own ways and spaces to practice that in.