Aiko is a Dis-asster 05: 

Aiko is a Dis-asster 05: 

Not for the first time, in moments like this, Azazel slightly, just ever so slightly, lamented the lack of glasses to do an ominous and exceedingly dramatic shine. Gendo Ikari may have been an ass, but he had those glasses on lockdown. Alas, glasses conflicted with Azazel’s rugged good looks, so he would simply have to endure. 

“I do believe a more formal introduction is in order. Sure, we had one earlier, but, well, it lacked a little of the gravitas I am going for now,” he said with a ‘what can you do’ shrug.  “I am Azazel, leader of the Grigori, first of Fallen, victor of a thousand battlefields, and of particular interest, one sinfully handsome collector of all things the world would rather keep secret. At your pleasure.” Finished, he bowed smoothly, all his wings spreading out as well as they could in the workshop. 

“Theatrics,” Muninn commented from his perch. 

“A touch overly dramatic,” Artoria added. 

“Cringy showboat,” Tamamo remarked, looking at her nails in an attempt to blow him off. 

“I say the lad’s a right braggart,” Ivaldi snorted. 

Ouch.  

Still, the role of a clown was one he could play.  He swayed as if struck, before adopting a charming smile. “All the world’s a show, and all that.”  

He waved his hand dismissively and looked back to them. “But more to the point, you lot need information I just happen to have. But let me ask everyone here a question. Muninn, not you, already went over this with Odin. But these lovely newcomers and this simply divine craftsman. What do you know of the state of the world?” 

There was a beat of silence. 

“I am not aware of any issues in the mundane side of things from my time in Oslo, but I know...” Artoria trailed off with a questioning glance to Tamamo. Azazel noted the look, one with a touch of trust to it. Perhaps they were long time friends? 

Tamamo picked up from where she left off with a sigh. “Well, since I’m pretty sure you already saw what happened, as the Goddess of the Nomniverse, Aiko, basically sat her perfect ass across three different worlds in a drunken huff, and she may have been a bit too thicc so they kinda just smooshed together.” 

She waved her hands with a grunt. “This is the result of her preliminary repairs, but we’re essentially the Janitors she sent in to clean up her crap all over reality.” 

Aiko, Azazel noted his new goddess mentally. It was beyond delightful to finally have a name to the cheeks that had haunted his thoughts these past three days.  He’d have to ask Tamamo later about proper worship of her and her glorious cheeks. Business first, of course. 

“Now that is enlightening, but I do have to correct Miss. Pendragon’s earlier remark.” And wasn’t it fascinating a woman named Pendragon was involved, particular with what was going on in England right now. The implications were...remarkable, but that was something for consideration later, when he didn’t have an audience. “Oslo may be doing fine, but the rest of the world most assuredly isn’t.” With that, he flicked out his devilberry and scrolled for a moment. Then, he held it up for everyone to see. 

A video played. It was Mt. Fuji. Said mountain was currently erupting and belching smoke. 

“The world is on fucking fire. I suspect mundane news will shortly catch up to something I’ve known for days at this point. I was here specifically to make contact with the Norse given all my contacts and sensors, in this region and yes, I have them, I have them everywhere, just vanished and something new and just different enough to be unsettling took its place. Glorious cheeks or no, Aiko did a shitty job.” 

“Literally,” Tamamo agreed. “The coffee addicted fluff for brains will probably come fix more of it properly when she’s not fucking embarrassed after she finally sobers up. But that might be millennia from now, so it’s up to us to hold it all together until then.” 

Ah, so my goddess likes coffee, Azazel noted. Potential offerings, perhaps? He knew a few mystic varieties in niche markets he would have to track down. He could even setup systematic testing to see what she preferred once he knew the best way to contact her. 

Artoria groaned. “Please tell me Mt. Fuji is the exception and everything else is relatively okay.” 

“A gentleman never lies,” Azazel said. “But no, the world is in a worse state than the absolute worst of the bad old times when Dad was on the warpath and all the pantheons were taking turns gut punching each other.” 

Azazel took a deep breath. Here we go.  

“North America is mostly gone, Mexico is still there along with a few islands and something’s in the brand-new ocean north of there, the US is somewhere in Southeast Asia now, and Canada is next to Norway. To name a few small changes. Aiko has royally FUBARed the world in ways I think are difficult to describe, let alone conceptualize. This is just what I have personally confirmed, by the way. My network is still compiling a report about everything on the supernatural side of things, but that’s in an absolute uproar. Feywilds, dreamtime, really all the supernatural worlds are not well. Also, Paraguay is missing.” 

“Oh, and the world is now notably larger than it was three days ago, but gravity appears to be unaltered. Fortunately,” he finished off in a mild tone, examining his nails.  

Permanent and stable dimensional and planar manipulation on a mind bogglingly grand scale, from what readings he could get in the past three days. Utterly ridiculous except normal had been taken out back and shot. 

“Oi Laddie, whot in tha nine realms did I just hear?” Ivaldi asked, having dropped his hammer.  

“Ahaha, this has got to be the worst mess Aiko has had me clean up yet,” Tamamo giggled, looking as though she might just pass out from the sheer scope of her job. She even wobbled a little before leaning into Artoria. 

Artoria had turned paler with every passing word. Tamamo may have been leaning into her, but she too felt unsteady on her feet. For a brief moment, she looked ready to fall and take Tamamo with her, but something seemed to click in her as she strengthened her posture with a strangely steely gaze. 

Shame, he thought. He’d have liked to have helped the two gorgeous ladies up. Their bodies were simply divine, even if ass had been ruined for him by his new goddess. 

“So yes, things are, to put it bluntly, bad. I have my Grigori running overtime to calm things down in our territory which, mercifully, wasn’t hit as badly as it could have been. Heaven and the Devils seem to be in the same boat from what my contacts tell me, but their side of the Underworld was and remains locked down. To be fair, ours does too, but I’ve allowed some limited travel to and from our side at this point now that I’m sure it wasn’t a direct attack on us. Heaven...” 

Azazel groaned.  “I’m not sure what’s going on with them. Not like I have the best contacts there given the nature of ‘pure’ angels. Got the diplomatic equivalent of “No comment” mixed with “We will give an update when we are ready” from Michael, but... something has them excited. Way more than I’ve seen in a long time.” 

Azazel slapped his forehead. “Here I go lecturing about the state of the world. Does the class have any questions?” 

Artoria raised her hand. 

That’s absolutely adorable. 

The kitsune in the room puffed up cutely and looked at him as though she wanted something. “If you’re the teacher, are you going to give us goodies if we listened well enough?” 

Azazel laughed. It seemed like she had bounced back fast. “I’m always in the mood to reward good girls.” 

“Then can you get me a Glock to play with, Sensei?” Tamamo asked, her eyes wide as she tried to ask for a gun to shoot things with. 

If this was a school setting, she’d be the crazy school shooter that admits they are going to shoot people with the gun they just brought into class. 

Azazel blinked, considering it before shrugging. He held a hand out and a spell circle ignited. He reached in for a moment, searching, then pulled out a Glock. He briefly ejected the magazine, turned the safety on, and handed it over nonchalantly. 

“If you’re a really good girl, I might even tell you about a nice place to play in traffic,” Azazel smirked. 

Artoria looked mildly horrified at the exchange. Her hand was still in the air, even if it wavered a little. 

“I am incredibly bothered you just gave her a gun. This is despite me knowing her magic is far more dangerous than any standard handgun.” Artoria’s voice was strained at the situation for some reason. Azazel couldn’t say why. 

Albeit, he had a feeling making Artoria flustered was going to be great fun going forward. 

“Like I said, she was a good girl and asked for a gun, rather than just taking one that’s been who knows where,” Azazel said with mock disgust. It was even true. 

Tamamo was already disassembling the gun with Ivaldi and discussing what symbols to etch into each part in the background while the other two talked. 

Artoria looked over to Tamamo and did a double take as both were engrossed in their new project in the middle of literal earth-shaking revelations. “Are... are they even listening?” Artoria asked in disbelief. 

Muninn spoke up. “No.” 

Azazel shrugged. “Some people deal with stress in different ways. Tamamo wanted a gun and Ivaldi’s a kindred spirit when it comes to engineering. I say let them have fun because good god this world went from fun to what the Hell right quick. Which is weird given I’ve actually been to Hell. Great theme parks, by the way. Great pancakes.” 

Azazel took a bit too much joy in watching Artoria try and fail to come up with a response. Eventually, she slumped in defeat.  

“Whatever, I’ll catch her up later. So we have the Three Biblical Factions down. What about the other pantheons? Norse excluded, of course.”   

“That’s the fun part, I’m honestly not sure!” Azazel cheerfully replied. 

“What, you aren’t? But you said you knew!”  

“Nah, see, that picture is incomplete and developing, but it ties into your search for primordial fire. Thing is, I’ve only got some info on the other factions, and it is woefully incomplete. Fortunately, it is relevant!” 

“First off, before all this happened, I’d tracked down primordial fire for one of my pet projects, and there are half a dozen locations it could be acquired. Of those, three are places I have no current intel on whatsoever, so I’mma skip over them as I’m not even sure they still exist with our latent reality restructuring. Another was the Norse, which, well, still accurate as it turns out. But that leaves the Hindu, Greek, and Shinto pantheons and their territories.” 

Azazel sighed.  “You could theoretically get primordial fire from Tartarus, but that would have been hard before this all happened. Now? Zeus has his entire territory on lockdown. He sent a ‘warning’ shot at one of my messengers that knocked her out and put her in a coma.” Despite his jovial attitude earlier, the words were laced with a palpable venom so corrosive it could almost be felt. 

“So yeah, unless you intend to fight Zeus and all his fellow Olympians, their hangers on, their followers, and whatever else they have in their fucking closet, I don’t think that’s an option. I don’t know why the big bastard is up in arms, but this whole calamity with Aiko has him and all his Olympians twitchy, so unless you feel like fighting all of them at once, I’d say Greece is a no go. In fact, don’t even wander onto the mundane territory because my messenger was shot out of the sky at sea.” 

Light briefly gathered in Azazel’s hands as he felt the rage building up again, but he quenched it. The targets of his ire were not here. Zeus would pay, in time. 

Artoria grimaced but nodded. 

“Next up is the Hindu pantheon and they’re mildly better insofar as they didn’t shoot my fucking messenger,” Azazel commented, but he didn’t let any more warmth into his voice. “Indra didn’t even bother to meet with my messenger; a lackey told him to fuck off. I think they are having internal problems and might be fighting with their opposites the Asuras, but hell if I know. So going into there would effectively be going into armed conflict in a supernatural war zone that may or may have already spilled into the mundane side of things.” 

“What a mess,” Artoria said with distaste. “And we’re going to have to address that at some point.” Her comment was laced with resignation. 

Flustering the lady was one thing but seeing her down like that did his own spirits no good, so Azazel stepped in. “Hey now, I’ve seen where shouldering all the world leads, and honestly? Just don’t,” he said. “Not the first time the Hindu Pantheon have raised Hell or had something go on internally, so I would suggest just to sit back until they’re ready to talk.” 

With that, Azazel took to pacing. “And finally, we have the Shinto Pantheon and Japan as a whole. Good ol’ Amaterasu is the queen bitch of primordial fire. More sun, but she definitely has some of it lying around. Personally, I think she’s a hoarder, but that’s just me. I suggest going to her simply because they are the only ones who accepted my diplomats without being utter bastards about it. Didn’t talk to her myself, but an actual high ranked god met and spoke with my fallen, so that’s nice. Plus, I suspect your companion might actually catch her attention,” he said with a meaningful glance in Tamamo’s direction. “Not a terribly lot of nine tailed kitsune with a solar aspect lingering in their soul if you get my meaning. 

With that, he smoothly sat back into a nearby chair, crossed his legs, and let out a breath.  “And that’s all I’ve got.” 

“What? Just, just like that?” Artoria asked. 

“Yup. Been three days, still compiling information, no idea on the specifics of the world, things like the Celtic Pantheon, and a lot of the world is still an information blackhole. Going to take a hot minute, but, well, my agents are working overtime.” He didn’t mention he hadn’t slept for 72 hours. It wasn’t the grandest achievement for him or any being of his nature, granted, but he suspected he might actually sleep next month. But she didn’t need to know that. 

“I... I really need time to properly process all this. Tamamo,” Artoria glanced aside to see Tamamo still playing with her gun. “Maybe? I’m still getting to know her, but she’ll manage.” 

Surprising. They haven’t known each other long, but this level of trust? Interesting... 

Artoria continued. “But, why are you so free with this information? I was honestly expecting you to be stringier, or obtain guarantees, or get something from us in exchange.” 

Ah, she probably has some preconceptions of what a Fallen is, eh? I can fix that. 

Azazel began counting off fingers. “Well, first off, this cost me nothing to be upfront with you. Plus, the sole benefit of most of my current knowledge is that I have it available now, but it’d trickle everywhere else eventually rendering its value significantly less. Two, being honest creates a foundation of trust. If I tried to fleece you the second I met you, you’d be less likely to listen to anything I say in the future. Three, I kinda like you two,” he said, with a somewhat obvious glance downward. Artoria rolled her eyes. “Four, I consider this an investment as you are effectively unaffiliated goddesses in power just walking around who actually have an interest in fixing the place I keep all my cool things. Fifth, and finally, that spear of yours...” He trailed off. 

“Rhongomyniad,” he breathed. That spear, that fascinating spear, was like few weapons he had ever seen. In some ways, it was almost like the first sword he had forged, so long ago in just how fresh and full of potential it was. “It is like few weapons I have ever seen, and even a glance tells me enough, never mind what its existence means for the change to the world I have known. It may be broken now, but I want to see what it can truly do, like... like if Dad had decided to let loose and unleash a true wonder into the world.” 

Artoria took a step back at the change in his voice. He noted this, and reigned himself in. “Sorry, got lost for a second there. But yeah, I got all the reasons in the world to help you, and none to be too much of an annoyance. Hopefully, this is the start of a grand friendship, so what do you say?” He held out a hand. 

Tamamo promptly walked over with her reassembled gun and smirked, handing it over to Artoria. “I say Sun Gun is very good, and that with the power of friendship and this Solar Glock, we will have a lot more fun fixing the world than should be remotely reasonable.” 

Artoria held the sun gun limply in her hands. She looked down. Then she looked back up. 

“What?” 

~~~~ 

AN: 

HiddenMaster: I want it to be known that I have never, ever, mangled a setting this badly before this fic. This is a true first for me. 

Kitsu: Aiko’s ass is the strongest! Very big and will smoosh your whole world! 

HiddenMaster: I promise all this story won’t just be about ass. But a significant part might. 

Regardless, I’m finding I very much like writing this version of Azazel. Fun dude, for the most part. 

Kitsu: And I liked writing Ivaldi a lot. He’s the type to speak mildly Scottish or Welsh accent speak not because he is actually from there, but because fucker is a fan of Tolkien’s work, and practiced his ass off to get that accent. 

Man even made his own full set of rings that actually work just for the collection. 

 HiddenMaster: I'd also appreciate the support support. Finally stepping into the world of actually posting my works rather than hoarding them like some dragon, so any support, comments, etc., is appreciated. 

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