rianstone

R&P Q&A #276

Added 2024-07-17 11:58:37 +0000 UTC

Back to form, thursday 2PM EST

Comments

Were you raised by a single mother? Asking loaded questions only irritates people. It’s off putting. Of course there is going to be a chance people misunderstand your field report no matter how much detail is in it. You have already gotten a bunch of useful advice. You just don’t like how it tastes, and you think more words are going to make us see that you are right. Which is Deering. “If I can just make them understand, they will see it from my side and agree with me, then I will never have to be the asshole that people don’t like.” No More Mr. Nice Guy And don’t say “thank you for the information” Just go to work and show us you appreciate the information.

Validation Junkie

2024-07-19 10:58:13 +0000 UTC

Openings also can piss off other side. Re the money and your assets, they are going to focus on that because it determines everything else. The law’s frame is superior than yours. Will always be that way.

CovertContractAttorney

2024-07-18 22:26:32 +0000 UTC

I understand

Aaron Sheffield

2024-07-18 18:49:24 +0000 UTC

hahah you are right

Aaron Sheffield

2024-07-18 18:43:17 +0000 UTC

She asked me the kids stuff at 25

Aaron Sheffield

2024-07-18 18:37:17 +0000 UTC

Social animal work has givien me the highest ROI. Here is some basic work. Escalation A 23 year old smoke show sat next to my kid and me on a long plane ride. Mid flight: Me: You like that show? As she pops the top on a tiny booze bottle with a national geographic show on her tv. (general statement about a SubJECT) Her: + feedback Me: “I can see this vibe working for you!... Watching buffalo migrate while you booze it up on the direct ‘big city’ to ‘big city’ flight.” LOL (Her and the Subject) Her: + feedback (Pause) Me: “We would never get along.” (We in relation to HER) Her: lol + And the conversation was off to the races… Her favorite topic was me explaining to my 9 year old daughter how this 23 year old was not a role model I wanted her to follow. ... then talked about adult masked innuendos to party girl behavior. Hot confident girls like being negged. (or maybe it is teased...) At some point she is pushing me... touching me. She is in my frame. Long plane ride opener is always risky. I always looked for reciprocity to move on with the set. At the end I dropped my business. Which all young girls know. It always gets a jaw-dropped reaction. Walked away. Not hard to get ahold of me. Rp: Learned this from todd v dating (rsd) 1.subject 2.her and the subject 3. My relation to her and the subject (we) , Escalation and fantasy On the trip I walked an old friend (female,6) across a small bridge to get to a subway. At the middle of the bridge we look down on some ratty boats illegally tied up along the side of the water way. “Do you think that is legal…Do people live in the boats?” (general SUBJECT statement) “I could see you living in one of those. Rent free. View of the city. So romantic.” Looking out to the sky rises on the other side of the water. She laughs… (SUBJECT in relation to HER) Me; “That’s not for me though,” pointing to a light high on a skyscraper. “I would live there. Put a telescope in the window and point it right on the illegal boat dwellers.” Her… Me: “ Ok fine, you could live in the tower as well.” (point to a lit-up condo) “and I will live 3 and half floors above you. Right there.” (lifting my pointing finger up) Her: … laugh “what is 3 and half floors mean?” Response from curious open ended statement. … Rp: turn a mundane walk into fantasy and dropping escalation seeds throughout the conversation. Megatron rule in full effect here. Every statement could be repeated in front of anyone. Blue oceans Working on new short film (4th .) This is my 2nd year in this competition circuit and it is building nicely. 15-20 people coming together multiple times to do preproduction, film and go to the festival. Half are completely new to me. Brought people in from other social groups. (3 points) My main goal is making a film and meeting all kinds of people but that being said; there are allot of attractive women in this blue ocean.

Cousin Eddie

2024-07-18 17:55:37 +0000 UTC

Fitness and diet on point. Best shape of life. Listening to wisnifg for 3rd time. Some parts of it get old with the repetition but there’s always some new nuggets I pick it up. Got out once last week with a buddy for happy hour, trying to do more activities like that. Realized I was weak in that area. Recall I started rodeo lessons about 1 mos ago. Was quizzed heavily as to why I wanted to do this at the time to which I responded cause I always wanted to. It’s going well still doing ghat once per week. Still hit gym twice a week but trying not to get to much more bulked as I don’t want to go overboard. More for holistic health and Maintenence and enjoyment now. Still do Krav Maga 2 x week also. I feel the tow rope starting to get more taught. Sex is good but still not as frequent as I like. Even when things are great I still feel like we are mismatched with drive. I could smash everyday but she is more happy with a weekly or 10 day- ish cadence. We have plenty of intimacy without sex etc but maybe we are just mismatched who knows? We are very busy and do have 4 Little’s who make it tough sometimes but there are plenty of ways around that which we find, just not enough to my liking. Would I be remiss to just be assertive and tell her straight up that I would like to make it a point to try and smash more often? I understand you might just say use more passive dread etc but I go back and forth after listening to manual smith again. I have been cautious as to not go back to nice guy behaviors after but yet try and else ways the good behavior when I see it. Also, now that the tow rope is more taught and we talk a lot more, damn she complains about alot of stuff with her feelings. Work stuff, her parents stuff, etc. I sometime find it difficult to entertain. I know you always say don’t fix her feels. What was that article you mentioned? I realize after 3rd round of manual smith not only my weak spots but just how unassertive she is. I guess it’s interesting like you have said before, once you fix yourself you start wondering what the fuck you are doing with someone that requires so much work and is the juice worth the squeeze?

Volare Alto

2024-07-18 17:46:21 +0000 UTC

@CovertContractAttorney fair point. I am underperforming here.

Mac

2024-07-18 17:44:01 +0000 UTC

Thanks for the response. Sounds like I made a solid choice joining and will get what I need.

2024-07-18 17:39:47 +0000 UTC

Thank you for the info

2024-07-18 17:10:55 +0000 UTC

I understand that I have problems with Deering. Question, could there be a situation where say on this platform I may not explain something properly or someone reads it the wrong way and I notice that because their response. Maybe clarifying on my part would get better/more useful advice is that always considered Deering? Or is there some type of separation there? I understand my post will basically be the same book everyone here has read countless times with a few different words in it, so my errors will jump out and be noticeable to you where I may not see them. Do I just shut up and try to explain things more clearly in my next post or just automatically count the thought as Deering and write it off?

2024-07-18 17:10:01 +0000 UTC

First thing first. It will better for you to put what you have worked and what you are trying to achieve on on top of your field report. --------- Questions for you What is in it for you to say - "I've worked on covert contracts and I actually see women for women now, it's actually amusing to watch and see how they communicate knowing they don't even realize what they are doing." Are you being the great mystically mind reader? Trying to prove how smart you are, or captain save-a-hoe? I understand that you are new, but your frame is far too gone. --------- "It is amazing to a new guy how many arguments or fights you can magically prevent from happening just by saying something or acting a particular way." 1. - its not magic 2. - it might be a case of "acting" for you now. But eventually it will become part of who you are --------- "Pretty amazing how a situation can go two different ways and my actions determine which route it will It's my responsibility to handle my life, I don't get to complain about the outcomes if I don't influence them." - I think that this is the best part of your field report, as there is some glimpse of self actualisation starting to come through here keep on going as get your ass in the gym regularly . You suffer from choreplay - This might be useful to you if you have not already seen it. Pate and Choreplay. thriving in relationships - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItEeMErNiPM

Cocky_funny

2024-07-18 17:08:35 +0000 UTC

@covert... I want to maximize my $$$. Time works against me because my income and net worth keep going up. But they don't know that, unless they follow my LinkedIn page showing all the people being hired. The benefit of settlement for them is not going to court (less stress and uncertainty) and time (done now vs. later... time is money). I played disagreeable at first to signal I'm ready to fight the whole way and I dragged my feet a bit to show I'm not worried about time (even though the opposite is true). My strategy going forward is to settle. Yes same room. It's not technically a mediation. The purpose of the meeting was to have a Judge assist in both parties finding common ground, to reduce the chance that it has to go to Court. The purpose isn't to achieve a full resolution, it's to find things we can all agree on and get them off the table. For example, one thing we all agree on is going to a real mediation. For that, the parties are separated. Another agreement was me paying child support. I totally agree on opening statements... who are you trying to convince exactly? The only person receiving a message is the client. I don't need my lawyer to fluff my balls. I recognized all that right away and let her say her statement, but I more or less ignored it. I didn't correct anything or add emotion to it. My ex-wife of course didn't understand what was going on, so she reacted.

Dave

2024-07-18 17:05:31 +0000 UTC

Do you want the divorce over sooner or do you want to maximize the amount you retain after the proceedings? Is your strategy actually playing into your goal. I find it interesting to hear your perspective on a mediation. Were y’all in the same room the entire time? It’s odd if you were. I also maintain my position that opening statements during a mediation are worthless.

CovertContractAttorney

2024-07-18 16:50:28 +0000 UTC

It's a good call out...she continued to do things to make my life easier even though we were fighting, which I see as being a good wife (loyalty). Incidentally, I actually made your statement explicitly during our conversation...she was saying how she cooks, cleans, and takes care of the kids...and I said that's great, but I can literally pay someone to do all of that. Might not have been good to use open communication in that way, but she needs to know there's more to a marriage than this.

RUIN

2024-07-18 16:13:55 +0000 UTC

Know that chicks can lie and deny with ease to a level of sociopathy that men don't achieve. That's why mate guarding isn't very useful. You could have a video of her banging a dude and they'll still deny it. She's already self rationalized whatever she is up to. It seems like you're thinking correctly given the circumstances. It's very hard to not become a detective, but you're going to be better off focussing on yourself. Just assume the worst may have happened and be ready to take the next step to enforce your boundaries. The good news and bad news... the bad news is that if she's spending a weekend or two with another dude, it means it's more than a one night stand. That's the good news also because if she's invested in the dude, you'll get closure soon. I'd rather this scenario than having a chick who goes around having periodic one night stands.

Dave

2024-07-18 15:43:37 +0000 UTC

Let me echo that you need to go read WISNIFG and NMMNG. Begin to apply it and then report back on what you did.

CovertContractAttorney

2024-07-18 15:29:58 +0000 UTC

An aside, redpill strategies are often female strategies applied to male sensibilities or whatever the quote is. Other than observe your wife, what did you actually do this week?

CovertContractAttorney

2024-07-18 15:26:47 +0000 UTC

You are right, mate guarding is a worthless pursuit. Your time is better spent on yourself. The go plan is the same at the stay plan. It sounds like you still have the wife goggles on. Do you have a go plan?

Validation Junkie

2024-07-18 15:21:58 +0000 UTC

Couple weeks back I observed interactions between the wife and I becoming stale and predictable. Counted 8 times in a row that she’d approach with a question that was a clear pretense for me to take the kids off her hands. I decided to respond to the questions by immediately asking: “what do you need me to do?” This created even more coldness between us. Need to find out why this bugs me so much and ways to have some fun with it instead of becoming so butt hurt. Our 8 year wedding anniversary then came and went with very little love exchanged. I made the decision to cancel our scheduled anniversary dinner and told her I wasn’t feeling up to it anymore. During this same period I went searching for answers - felt the urge to crack open her iPad and take a peak at her Facebook chat history. Found nothing of note, but I did notice 2 recent messages with a dude from her high school days. I took away the least charitable reading. Asked her the next day if she would be okay if I reached out to a woman from my past? Then asked if she’d be okay if I flirted with this woman on social media? She sidestepped the questions and said: “Is this about X (guys name)?” Laughed and called me an idiot who was going searching for something that’s not there..."he was gay, fat, and funny." I said I didn’t care and asked my 2 questions again. She called me ridiculous and said she wouldn’t care, it would all depend on who the person was. I left in a huff and went about my day. This resulted in an unexpected week of stubborn silence in the house. I checked out completely and we didn’t speak. I say unexpected because it wasn’t a conscious decision, strategy, or OODA on my part. Just kind of happened. I ended up sleeping upstairs in our guest room, met up with friends and had fun, spent time with my dad, got back in my gym routine, and led my life as though she was dead. For her part, she didn't speak with me either but did keep up her wifely duties. Dishes cleaned, made family dinner each night, cleaned the house, did laundry and folded my clothes, kept things moving along as normal and not going out on the town…just zero communication and of course no sex or intimacy. She attempted to bait me a few times with attacks about how I was being a stubborn child or not doing enough to watch the kids, but I just laughed it off or ignored it. The stalemate was broken on Sunday night when she asked if we could talk and we sat by the pool for a discussion. I committed to myself that I shouldn't DEER during the chat, but did express my boundaries and told her what I wanted going forward. She was receptive. We ended up smashing outside on the pool lounge chair and again before bed. Things have been easy ever since. So, what did I learn? In retrospect, the week of stubborn silence was one part butterflies in my stomach / sexual frustration and two parts relaxation, decreased emotional stress, and fun. Gave me greater insight into what married men mean when they say all they want is a wife who doesn’t add stress to their lives and brings peace to the home. Wish I could have the stress free living of that week, and bring in the daily smashing part. I need to find more ways to become less reactive with my emotions and stop letting them spiral into these positive feedback loops of worry. One obvious answer is the GYM. You say it often, but lifting weights regulated my emotions throughout the week...I could really feel it. My entire psyche after the gym was calm, cool, collected. No mind racing off to neurotic cul de sacs. My job now is to find more productive ways to achieve this with her there. Too often we retreat to our collective corners and stubbornly wait for the other to break the stalemate. Previously you said that if this goes on too long that it's a place for me to go to her and insert a narrative for her. I really struggle with how to offer the hamster an exit during these moments. Looking forward to hearing your perspective on all of this.

RUIN

2024-07-18 14:58:52 +0000 UTC

I noticed some changes from the wife in the past months. I don't know if need to raise an eyebrow or not. I noticed she renewed a good part of her wardrobe. For the best I should add: more color, more chick. She may be stepping up or maybe... or maybe... or maybe... Anyhow I take it as a win, I don't walk around with an "ugly wife". She organized two solo week ends. Twice with her best friend from childhood. Together they are not the most "hoe" you can see around. In particular her friend watches her reputation really closely: she is the good girl all the time. Everyone is married here and have kids. There are still wahmen also. The first one was because she needed to pick up a car because of work. As her friend was in the middle of the trip and it was too much for a one day trip, they organized a night somewhere so that they could spend some time together. I didn't ask too many questions (when/why/what/who/how). Just the basic logistic what is the overall timeline and that's it. Then I kept my eyes open and observed. From what I could understand: she did the trip, join her friend, booked a hotel room (this is the unusual part, where she could have just stayed at her friend's place if the reason was to see each other ans split the trip), had dinner and got back home. So they didn't go to Vegas, but my sense tells me there is something unusual. Even more that we were having dinner, her friend called to discuss about the weekend and I hear through the phone "Oh you are having dinner, I called now because I am still at work and I can talk more freely now. I will be soon home.". The second weekend was more strange. In one of the activities/club/group she manages, there are some people difficulty. She is unsure if she wants to push through or stop. "I need to take the weekend, I need to relax, I will see my friend and will think about what's happening". I said "OK", asked the basic logistic questions. This time I didn't manage to gather any side information. I am not even sure if she really met with her friend for any significant amount of time. Sometimes it strikes me that she may use the same red pill strategies as I have in the past: improve yourself and you don't need to do tell everything: "Somewhere" is just a good enough answer to the question "where are you going". As for the "is she cheating part". I understand and you said it many times. it is out of my control: she may have, she may have not and I may never know. So don't need to overthink that, I will eventually know. I get it. I am bringing this up, because I know I am not the most astute guy sometimes. She could have sex with another guy in front of me and I will say "oh but she is just with a friend". I know I have improved though.

Mac

2024-07-18 14:44:13 +0000 UTC

Field Report #22 Focus in the past weeks have been on being responsible for my own mood not defined by others and not taking others emotions so seriously. After I got from vacation my wife had a breakdown about her moms health which is continuing to decline. She is having cognitive issues and its clear she is on the decline. Lots of tears, hyperventilating and snot bubbles. Response from me was not to fix the feelings or try to come up with solutions. I thought back to the field report of the guy who used this type of situation and put his own insecurities on his wife and how that blew up in his face. I hugged her, told her we will get through this together and she didn't have to face it alone and I can imagine how scary it must be. I am sorting out how the different emotional outbursts elicit different emotions in me and making deliberate actions towards them. In the past all big emotions would put a pit in my stomach and make me want to say anything to make them go away. Recently with emotions like bratty behavior my go to has been removing my attention. We went paddleboarding as a family and everything was turning into a complaint or frustration like the volume not working on a speaker. Instead of engaging her or trying to fix an imaginary problem I withdrew to another spot in the lake or would play with the kids. Not rewarding those types of outbursts with attention has been my approach. Results have been what I have hoped in that my moods have not been dependent on her. Sex has been good and have not gotten any no's when I have initiated. A few not right nows that turn into sex later in the day or later. I have been more aware of when I am actually horny vs bored and initiated deliberately. Had an overnight work trip planed and she said I better not have any girls over in my hotel room, I said with a smirk on my face, she doesn't have to worry, I go to their rooms instead and then gave her a kiss on the forehead. Later that night she initiated before I could. Continue to blur the lines between sex and intimacy by kissing, slaps on the ass, and sexy talk and not pushing it to sex each time. I have found myself being more playful when I do escalate.

Amos_Durden

2024-07-18 14:15:27 +0000 UTC

Just as long as you unapologetically know why you didn’t want to be late, and there is no covert contract to kill there. Like you said you have a sparring partner now so some of the theory is getting tested in real time. You are definitely self aware enough to know you got flustered in the moment. You caught yourself. Overtime you will stay calm under the pressure of the moment. An LTR is red pill on hard mode haha. Keep coming back.

Validation Junkie

2024-07-18 13:20:32 +0000 UTC

I get the parking shit test from time to time. My wife thinks she Danica Patrick haha. I usually have some pre-loaded canned material for that. “You look like you could use the walk” “I was just thinking about leaving you here and heading to the bar. Don’t use that one anymore since I stopped drinking but you get the idea. I have also hit her with “bitch please.”

Validation Junkie

2024-07-18 12:20:35 +0000 UTC

You have arrived

Validation Junkie

2024-07-18 12:03:50 +0000 UTC

One of the things that led me to sign up here is that I’ve become more humble. I used to listen to Rian’s podcasts and feel like I’m the next Jacktenofhearts—maybe other guys didn’t get it, but I did. Now, I realize I’ve understood some things, but I still have a long way to go and need to work on all the pillars. So maybe the advice I’m getting here could actually be right.

Puatki

2024-07-18 11:46:30 +0000 UTC

Thanks for the info

2024-07-18 10:50:31 +0000 UTC

This whole field report is hot trash. Which most of our first ones are. Stick around, read other people’s reports and see how they are built. Try not to be vague, it forces you to articulate an event from your mental point of origin. You are in the anger phase, half assed you way here, and only getting results because her SMV went down due to cancer. If you don’t plug the holes she will be gone as soon as she’s healthy. Yes you are looking for a reaction, chicks do this all the time through double binds and self deprecation for validation. For the love of all that is holy go fucking lift and tells us how you did in a week. Build frame through amuse mastery, fogging, agree and amplify, and broken record. Write about it and tell us in past tense. Example: Old lady said I’m dumb. I laughed my ass off patted her on the head and went back to D and D game.

Validation Junkie

2024-07-18 10:35:31 +0000 UTC

"the harder it is to find qualities in her that attract me." Chill. You're not there yet. First, get in shape. Second, it'd be wise to use her as a sparring partner at least until you know the problem is in fact her. Rian will tell you about iamstevemcqueen. Have you ever done catch and release? What do you want?

Owning My Shit

2024-07-18 07:45:41 +0000 UTC

Your first guess

Owning My Shit

2024-07-18 07:37:42 +0000 UTC

Field Report #1 I’ve been married for 15 years and have two kids. I’m a nice guy beta with a highly organized woman (unlike me), a Catholic (I’m not religious). For a long time in our relationship, she talked a lot about her problems, and I was the listener. Eventually, it became too overwhelming for me, and I told her this a few times. After that, she emotionally shut down. I’m an entrepreneur and doing well (I have a stable situation with savings for a few years), but I tend to be a perfectionist and waste time on pointless things. When it comes to sex in my marriage, my wife sees it as her “duty.” So, I rarely hear a “no,” but sometimes I can tell she’s doing it out of obligation. Over a year ago, I was in a pretty tough spot. Long story short, I stumbled upon Rian on YouTube, started reading the sidebar, and worked on myself. I stopped the exercises once everything got back to how it was before the crisis, or even better. Currently, I’m overweight, but I’ve absorbed some of the intellectual and emotional pillars’ knowledge. The changes I’ve made have resulted in my wife asking me about almost everything, even the smallest things. I’m making decisions everywhere. She’s more enthusiastic in bed, respects me more, and acts more feminine than when I was younger and not overweight. But working on myself is causing me to change mentally, from the core. The more I change, the harder it is to find qualities in her that attract me. And this thought makes me uncomfortable. It seems like I can have everything sorted at home, have good sex, and still feel like something’s missing.

Puatki

2024-07-18 07:13:48 +0000 UTC

Let me hit all points: 1. Being late wasn't the end of the world. I can say that easily after the fact. Just at that time, I recognized 'this is a good time to put the concepts ice learned into work.' Couple that with the immediacy of the moment and just a general dislike for being late that made me fumble the football. In retrospect yes, it's a lingering nice guy behavior. Some things are clicking of course. For example, I now don't apologize unless I actually fucked up bad and it warrants an apology, applying the 2/3 rule consistently, etc. Just these situations are starting to show where my weak points are. 2. Reading: most of Rollo, NMMNG, When I say no, I feel guilty, Practical Female Psychology, and Rians books. However, I've probably read them all a total of 2 times max. I'm currently going through these specific books again. I have em on audiobook so it's easier, but definitely I I tend to read them again and again until the comcepti stick. I find the more I re-read, the better concepts get internalized, especially for emotional slogs like NMMNG. 3. Thanks for the compliment. I think i have a bit of a natural edge to myself, but that's only when I'm not in my own fucking head and stepping on my own dick as Rian says. If I don't care about the girl, it becomes easy to not care and act how I need to. The problem is when I like the girl, and I'll admit, I really really like this girl. In terms of my own SMV, I've always been pretty bad at guaging that stuff, but I'd say 6-7. What I can defenitely say is that I have my niche down - I speak her language pretty well (picked up in college, spent a semester studying in her country). So that allows me to hang out in some eastern European social circles that have pretty attractive girls easily, and I'm always the one Latin guy that speaks the language well. That and the fact that I'm usually outgoing and not shy in social group settings, love to Latin dance, etc, makes it pretty easy to have pre-selection in this niche. Outside of it it's considerably harder, I'll be honest!

Diego Verga

2024-07-18 06:58:22 +0000 UTC

Also, what kind of reading have you done? I know you said you’ve been a lurker, but have you read no more Mr. nice guy, the sidebar, when I say no I feel guilty, iron rules? If not, definitely start there. I take it you a bit of a natural with a pretty decent SMV and she’s Eastern European which is why the sex is still decent. But you got crappy boundary enforcement and some nice guy tendencies. Which is landing you in a bit of trouble now with her. Betatization through a thousand consesions.

Validation Junkie

2024-07-18 06:26:37 +0000 UTC

Are you saying look at the meaning of what's being said, and not how it's being said? Or are you referring to something I said?

2024-07-18 06:21:54 +0000 UTC

Separate tone from content CJ

Owning My Shit

2024-07-18 06:17:35 +0000 UTC

Good job admitting you fucked up and seeing tears as manipulation. Seems like you kind of know why and how you fucked up to a certain degree. I just have to ask why did being later matter so much to you in this example? My gut is it’s a nice guy behavior cover contract. “if I am always on time, people will love me and I’ll have a problem, free life” You waffled on the boundary enforcement. Left her but waited. Re-enforcing that you are on her time. Not the other way around. Yes Virginia, you do have to be an asshole. I don’t make the rules up and had break the game just like everyone else. “To keep her keen sometimes you have to be mean.” It’s better to be a tyrant that is sometimes nice, than a nice guy that is sometimes a tyrant.

Validation Junkie

2024-07-18 06:09:20 +0000 UTC

That's rude, you read the post that wasn't technically meant for you but you wouldn't read my reply? Any who, I gained some insight from our conversation so thank you sir. I think we will be great friends.

2024-07-18 05:29:11 +0000 UTC

Thank you

Validation Junkie

2024-07-18 04:50:19 +0000 UTC

Field Report #8 I decided to focus in on my weight loss goal over the last week. I am going on 3 months sober and I have gotten all the weight loss benefit out as I am going to get. This last week I cleaned the diet up. Kicked the bread and shitty carbs, upped the protein and getting as good of sleep as I can. My activity level is about as high as I want it to be, so now I am focusing on the kitchen. Sex life has been everything I have wanted it to be and I am getting treated like a king. I did have a shit ton going on this last time home so I was definitely more distant an d aloof. Got a few shitty comfort tests that I just went ahead and nuked. I have found that I don’t have the patients to fuck around with them so I just drop the bomb and call it a day. Last night on the phone my wife told me she is leading into shark week, which I now know not to give a fuck about any proclamation she says for the next week or so. I have gotten better at noticing when it’s coming and just adapt. (Anything she says from here on is bat shit crazy self loathing speak) Half way through listening to her explaining all her feels and shit about it i interrupted with; holy fuck girl you are boring the shit out of me. This ain’t the view, call one of your girls friends and tell them about the cycles of the moon. We both laughed and I pivoted the conversation. I felt like an ass at first yet I didn’t want to listen to it at work. 15 minutes of listening is enough beta behavior in my book to keep this train on the tracks, and still heading towards pound town. I used to feel bad for not sitting around and listing to the feels until my eyes glazed over. Now when I get bored I pivot the conversation. I am way more authentic and genuine than I have been in a long time and I am seeing the benefits. It’s funny because I have used all these tools at work for years. Co-worked droning on and on…hey dude let’s land this plane. What the fuck are you trying to say? Or a co-worker trying to get me to do a laundry list of shit he should be doing (death by a thousand concessions) Me: yeah go get fucked, that’s your to do list, not mine. Find a different sucker. I work in a blue collar industry and can get away with talking like that without the blue haired Hr lady giving me a phone call. It’s funny because I have never really had a hard time being a “alpha male” at work, yet I would come home and cower from my wife’s feelings and treat her completely different. I realized it’s the same shit everyone will try to pull on you, women just do it way fucking better.

Validation Junkie

2024-07-18 03:35:23 +0000 UTC

I already explained the expectations, it was for me. What you would have done is irrelevant, I've already made my choice. Again, I'm not looking for a "reaction" from anyone, Maybe you see it as deering but I have no reason to deer, especially on here, at least not intentionally. This is in fact the place you come for other guys to point out your flaws so how productive would it be if I was intentionally trying to hide them? how many guys come here due to an affair? Was it fucked up? yes, Did I know how to properly handle it? no, What makes my situation different from all the other guys? Its been two years, I can post how it all went down and chit chat about something that happened two years ago but would that bring any productivity other then mentioning how I handled every aspect of it wrong, which I already know? Her taking treatments will be discussed in future post and how she reacts to things etc. due to it. not much to mention here because the post was for me. I know staying in the relationship will come with its own set of challenges, I will work with what I have. I have a lot to learn might as well fuck up the training wheels now instead of hoping I wont need them later. Do I have some shit I need to work on? Definitely, why else would I be here? Hiding the badness? Not sure, not intentionally anyways, guess we will find out in future posts. Do I understand things very well? No, that must have came across the wrong way. I'm simply a guy that has picked up bits here and there, tried them out and found they actually work for me. Not going to lie, I'm like a kid in a candy store when my brain clicks and I pick up on something and have a positive outcome. You mention its all pointless if I'm not doing anything, this is me doing something. It may not be much but it is something, definitely more than I did yesterday. Thanks for breaking down the war chest info, for whatever reason I understand it looking at it, but but didn't put it to pen and paper at that depth. I have lost a lot of small moments in the last two years that looking back I'm sure i would realize some of the mistakes I made at that moment, possibly learning along the way. In my posts, if I have a section that's "for me" that's what it is, you can disregard it and not respond. Unless you just want to, I honestly don't mind. I don't have anywhere else to post these things to look back at, and if its between keeping them on my pc and the wife finding them, then me having to deal with how she feels about it. Or some random guy on the internet yelling at me about how i did something wrong and his thoughts (That may be helpful) I find the second of the two to be more productive and that's my choice. Is this entire post Deering? maybe. Can I get better information by making sure you understand my post properly? or do I just want you to understand my "side" better? I feel like its the first. Either way someone pointing out my flaws, me verifying them and working on correcting them is better than me just thinking I'm good and posting nothing.

2024-07-18 02:40:24 +0000 UTC

I see. What you said about ending up walking on eggshells is resonating with me, because I've put myself before with women in that situation. She can cry and feel bad, it won't break her. I can't let myself buckle under whatever she's feeling. Thanks for the feedback.

Diego Verga

2024-07-17 21:32:58 +0000 UTC

@Stripper going to Poland is what I want. I decided to move there for 3 reasons: 1) I want to save money (Sweden is super expensive and I want to save money in case I loose my job or any future-family-expense I need to incur. To be honest, I am not sure what an expense like that could look like, since I have no reference whatsoever, but having savings is a good thing in general). 2) I wanted to see if she would follow me (I was OK with any outcome). I took the decision months before and told her at that time I was thinking about moving and that she was invited to come. 3) Latinos/Spaniards are like rockstars there. I lived 2 months there 2 years ago and it was amazing. I want to spin plates to select a girl with an abundance mentality and have many options when I do. But I do want to have kids with one that I like. And oh man, I am hitting the gym for sure. Stronglifts and extra training to compensate. Thanks for the answer again, man. @Kevlar_Soul You just asked a question that make self-reflect hard. I did not reward her appropriately. After sex I did increased my attention and affection that same day, but I did not planed new cool dates as before (I feel like an idiot now haha). But I also think this compounded with the fact that I was very autistic with the 2/3s rule. Since aside from the unenthusiastic sex, she stopped adding non sexual value to the relationship, nor contacted me out of her own initiative... 2/3 x 0 = 0. Basically, I would have been the only one pushing to see her. Just like now. She just vanished into thin air after the last trip, and honestly I think that I will feel like a needy idiot if I reach out to her.

Aaron Sheffield

2024-07-17 21:12:40 +0000 UTC

Appreciate the feed back, I've read them. I'm actually working on no mr nice guy again now. How was the beginning part Deering? I don't expect a pass, or for someone to read that and say it's ok baby, you'll do better next time. Just wanted to set expectations that this post was specifically for me, and not so I can hear someone read my problems back to me on a screen. You got the hair cut part and skinny fuck right, and I have slacked off the last two years. Spot on there. Question, what's the difference between goals or "shitty new years resolutions" and what I want in life? I guess I don't understand that part? I want to feel good about myself, and I want to be happy with my productivity but you can't measure that bs. Weight, scheduling hours, results etc I can measure. Do I not need to know what I want to choose a proper path in my life? Looking forward to your reply.

2024-07-17 20:30:34 +0000 UTC

Curious, when you stop going on nice dates and dinner etc when she wasn’t acting right. When she started to behavior how you wanted did you add that positive reinforcement back. Based on the post it seems to me you withdrew and then things spiraled because you were never adding back attention, affection and commitment. I am assuming during this time you had a particularly good sexual experience. Would have been a great time to cuddle the next day and next weekend take her out for a fun date. She begins to associate great sex with you having a great time together. Then after every 3 or 4 great sexual expenses you reward the behavior.

Kevlar_Soul

2024-07-17 20:27:21 +0000 UTC

If it’s working, then keep at it. If it ever stops working, it’s because all that really matters are the calories.

Owning My Shit

2024-07-17 20:11:38 +0000 UTC

I think your first instinct was correct that you left her behind and walked ahead to the bar and grabbed a drink. The failure here wasn’t your actions it was allowing her making you late to get you emotional. This is more of a frame issue than anything else.

Kevlar_Soul

2024-07-17 20:03:55 +0000 UTC

Eating clean to me is cutting out sugar, dairy (yoghurt ok), and wheat and eating meat (60% chicken, 30% beef, 10% fish), veggies, berries, nuts and a small amount of fruit. I don't calorie count or macro count. I make healthy choices when I shop and usually cook my lunches and dinners on Sundays. When I eat out, it's usually sushi or Thai food, which are cleaner options. I'm doing a 24 hour fast twice a week right now.

Dave

2024-07-17 19:40:01 +0000 UTC

Diet: what is "eating clean"? Are you controlling your macros?

Owning My Shit

2024-07-17 19:01:51 +0000 UTC

Hi Rian. I'm a long time member and lurker, but I'll be posting from now on cause I'm running into situations that I need help with. In any case, long story short, been in my first relationship in years after a few years of just casual dating/sleeping with women. We're at about the 11 month mark, and she's easy going but, like you said in your videos, one really needs to have a woman in your life to practice what is being learned and build your frame. I thought I had all the concepts we talk about here internalized, but I see that some still need to be internalized. I'm still lacking in that I think, and you'll see why here: My main thing that being in this relationship has made clear to me is that I still care too much about my girlfriend's emotions, and I'm afraid to make her upset. Also, this is what I consider my first "LTR" (almost a year so far), I see that I just don't have much real relationship experience. Spinning plates is fine but being in a relationship is a different animal. Let me give you a recent example of when I felt afraid of my girl's feelings and to make her upset. I don't think I handled it properly. So, this weekend, we were downtown. We had to cross a busy avenue, since we needed to meet up with some friends for drinks at a bar that was some blocks down from that intersection. This avenue crosses a railroad track, and we were on one side of it. We could hear the train coming because it was blowing its horn, and I said "hey, let's just walk across (jaywalk) so we don't get stuck behind the train. This was before the bars that block street and pedestrian access descended to allow the train to pass. Granted, if we crossed the road and avoided the passing of the train, we would have barely made it in time. So I wanted to just get across the road to get there on time. And what is she doing? she's petting some woman's dog while the train is getting closer. Me: "Come on, let's go or we'll get stuck behind the train." Her: "yeah one second, this dog is super cute." Me: "If we don't cross we're gonna be late as it is, lets go!" Her: "I'm coming, I'm coming, just one minute!" Me: (not knowing what to do and panicking a bit) "Look, I don't want to be late, I'm going. If you are late, that's on you (or something like that, I can't remember exactly as I was panicking). And I turned around and jogged to the other side. I can hear her say "hey wait for me!" Sure enough, the railroad bars came down, and the train was too close that I knew she wasn't just gonna cross. I'm getting pissed, but I fucked up cause I stayed and waited for her on the other side of the train. It only took like 4-5 minutes but we still had like 4 more minutes of walking to get to the spot. I was pissed. She crossed and I said to her, with anger in my voice "what the hell? I told you to come, now we're gonna be late!" as we were walking briskly to the place. Now, she is a very, very sensitive girl. She just started to give me a pouty face with big eyes. She's also from a eastern European country. I'm from Latin America, but I speak her language as well. I know when she's upset her English breaks down and starts to speak in her native language. She tells me in her language "don't be angry at me" with the voice inflection of a little girl, like if she is being scolded and if she didn't do anything wrong. Ok now I'm angry at her for making me late, angry at myself cause I "tried to be a strong, decisive man" and totally failed at it, and I caved in the end. I should have just walked to the bar and not waited for her (I think). On top of that, now I'm panicking cause she looks like she's on the verge of tears almost (I'm sure it was just manipulation. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking that she knows how to play me like a fucking fiddle, and I was being a chump for falling for it). And I'm realizing all of this at the same time, and feeling really bad inside. So I caved, and I comforted her. That took even more time, and we ended up being 20 minutes late. All was good at the end of the night but I totally failed that situation. Fuck, I feel like such a moron. If she was a plate, I would have had no problem with just walking away. But she's my girlfriend and I genuinely really like her. She's also very good to me and we rarely fight. She usually just follows my lead and most importantly, keeps my balls empty as I need it. So I don't want to make her upset. As I write this, something tells me that I'm probably holding on to a covert contract here or otherwise some sort of errant mental model. I just don't want to feel like an asshole. When she seems upset, like about to cry and starts talking in her native language, I fear that I push her too far and I feel bad for some reason and want to fix it. Should I have just let her break down in tears and feel bad? I don't want to be a tyrant but I'm clearly being a chump here, right? EDIT: You know what I'm realizing? It freaks me out that she has been easier to work with. I'm afraid to fuck it up, and that's why I'm placing so much importance on acting correctly. I like her a lot, she makes me happy and generally gives me little drama. Defenitely she's the girl that has given me the least amount of drama, and I guess I'm scared of fucking up a good thing. But 11 months in, still getting great behaviors from her that show me she's interested, I guess I must be doing things generally okay? Idk, too much in my own head...

Diego Verga

2024-07-17 18:59:27 +0000 UTC

" First realizing that it is very difficult to replace a 6ft, charming, millionaire, phd, with an above average sized penis. " Why the did you feel the need to tell us in so much detail how good you are?

Owning My Shit

2024-07-17 18:57:22 +0000 UTC

Welcome, feel free to post

Cocky_funny

2024-07-17 18:53:08 +0000 UTC

Paragraph 1 and 2 : There is something to be said here - "Bullshit. Nobody forced me to do anything, I opted in on that shit." Who are you getting angry at? Revisit -NMMNG - Breaking Free: Activity #17 Anger is a social emotion. Would you have had the same emotions if you travelled by yourself and woke up early. Would you have had the same expression if you had little sleep and had to catch a flight. Just dont agree to things for the sake of it. Agree/disagree and live with the decision. Paragraph 3: Question for you. What do you gain from telling us this - " maybe being pulled to my frame." Alpha man? I'm no longer a nice guy? I'm controlling the group decisions. To me this sounds a bit off. If you want to lead the group and make the best decision for everyone then just do so. Yes of course within a group the person with the strongest frame on something often wins/makes the decision. Paragraph 4- " fogged and did broken record" Good use of tools from the book WISNIFG Paragraph 5- Good Escalation . But sometimes instagrams doesn't mean shit. You are simply one her fans. Getting a phone number would have been better. Paragraph 6- "I still struggle with validation-seeking. It’s not that I actually care about the opinion of others, more I like the dopamine rush I get when I show off something. It’s almost impulsive.". Question for you would you get the same dopamine effect if you did it by yourself and no one was looking. No - Then you are validation seeking yes - Then this is just who you are. Revisit - NMMNG - Breaking Free: Activity #8

Cocky_funny

2024-07-17 18:42:10 +0000 UTC

I posted my FR on last week’s Q&A accidentally. So I’m posting it with the responses here. Original post I think I’m getting better at knowing when I’m actually wrong about something. It’s handling the fact that I’m wrong that I struggle with at the moment. Particularly being made into a villain when I make a mistake. Internalizing the saying “does she have a point?” helps me discern if her criticisms of my behavior are valid instead of jumping to conclusions about her trying to manipulate me or her putting me down excessively to make herself feel better. In this case she did the latter and I let her get away with it. Recently, I backpedaled on something that made her distrust me. Specifically telling her that I’ll limit my interactions with other women if I can. The very next day I want to visit my friend but it turned out his female friend was coming with him last minute. I didn’t tell her, but I was going to see him anyway despite that sudden news. Me: Okay babe I’m about to go Her: Alright babe. No girls! Me: We’ll see. Her: We’ll see?! You’re going to see an another girl? Me: It’s my friend’s female friend. Her: Enock you told me that you wasn’t going to do this?! Me: Don’t worry I’m not gonna brush up on her leg or anything. Now to me, I’m just hanging out with my buddy while he brings a third-wheel along. Nothing so egregious as to think that I’m violating any boundaries. I leave shortly after and tell her goodbye. During my outing with my buddy, it turned out his female friend had a boyfriend that was with her and she wasn’t afraid to make their relationship known to me with obvious gestures. I reserved my assertive right to make a decision and deal with the consequences later. Talking to my friend that I didn’t see in a while was more important to me in the moment even though this friend of his was coming along. I knew that limiting my interaction with women for her sake was something that I agreed to but I did it anyway. Later that same day I changed my mind about hanging out with other people I don’t know around him because I do actually enjoy spending time with just him without any third-wheelers. When I got home. I told her that I’ll make sure it’s just him next time we hang out to reassure her because why not? she earned it. However, I’m greeted with some things of hers packed up and ready to leave the house because that’s how deeply hurt she was about it. I hear her out through all her tears and heartbreak and she did have a point about what I said previously about being around other chicks. The fact of the matter was that I did cross a boundary that we both agreed upon, but she made it seem as though I was excited to hang out with this new chick instead of my long-time buddy, that I was being dishonest, and that I was taking her for granted for being a good wife to me. I could’ve used assertive tools to communicate that it wasn’t about this chick, etc, etc, but chose to DEER about it instead which obviously gave her more fuel to judge me. I apologized, told her I’d do better, and that I loved her. While I commend myself for owning my decision at the time of doing it, it was unwise given the aforementioned boundary. Me not being around other women is my way of reciprocating her not hanging around other guys (rewarding good behavior). However, It was even more unwise that I let her demonize me the way she did by not standing up for myself. So much for re-reading WISNIFG. Why deal with the consequences of something if you can’t handle them? At any rate, I didn’t want to supplicate to her any further as to hastily get in her good graces again. Right now I’m pretty much acting normal and goldfish the whole thing when I can. I’m also keeping in mind to not compromise on any boundaries that I have currently of my own. I know that my wife tends to capitalize on moments of weakness like this so I can buckle on something. I’m glad that my wife apologized to me for making a huge deal out of it and she asked me what she can do better. I told her she can talk to me with more respect. Let’s hope so. In other news. I got another job with even better pay. The wife doesn’t know how much I’m gonna be making now. I told her it was more than enough and that’s it. That said, I can drop working more than one job now. Although, I have a feeling I should hang on to my current job maybe one day a week for every other week perhaps. Just to see how I like this new gig. I dunno, what do y’all think? Responses Owning My Shit: “You crossed a boundary you both agreed on. Firstly, why did you agree? Second, you can always break your promise if you want. It seems that you only agreed not to talk to another girl because you’re afraid of hurting her feelings. Even if she ‘deserves it’, not talking and being around other women is never the way to go. You’re a charming attractive dude, of course you’re gonna be around women. If she deserves comfort, give her, but stop castrating yourself and justifying it on a ‘sense of honor to your word’.” Me: “Yeah I took her feelings into consideration and to be honest, I really wouldn’t mind being around women otherwise. I thought about being fair and equal to her when it came to interacting with the opposite sex. Like if it’s not okay for her to converse casually with other men then I can’t do so with women either. At the same time, I don’t think that I’d be so bent out of shape if she made small talk with someone other than me who happens to be a guy. I remember her working at a clinic and working with all kinds of patients, including guys who liked talking to her. Didn’t bother me at all since she handled herself just fine. No fear of infidelity from her whatsoever on my part. She doesn’t have that same trust for me though. Part of it is religious reasons for the boundary too, though. I also hate the idea of breaking a promise so openly. I know I was acting of my own accord at the time but it still doesn’t sit right with me. I’m trying to act on my own morality when it comes to promises. Still, I wonder what I would’ve done if she hadn’t gotten mad about me going. I probably wouldn’t have gave a damn about that boundary.” Owning My Shit: “Why do you want to be fair and equal?” Me: “Because it’s my way of respecting her in that regard.” Owning My Shit: “What does ‘fair and equal’ mean? Why do you think that is respecting her? Why do you want to respect her?” Me: “What I meant by fair and equal was that I wouldn’t offend her by chatting up other girls just like she wouldn’t do so with other guys. I think that it is respecting her because it shows that she is exclusive to me. I want to respect her to at least some degree because she is the woman I chose to make my wife and not some random girl.” Owning My Shit: “Why are you afraid of offending her? What effect do you think not talking to other women has on your relationship?” Me: “It’s not that I’m afraid to offend her. it’s that I don’t want to nuke my marriage over it. Sure I could’ve called her bluff about it being divorce-worthy and I sure as hell didn’t have to let her make me feel bad about what I did, but I’m better off hanging with the boys anyway. I already have some dread working in my favor and it’s not a huge deal for me stop doing. I try to compromise at my discretion, though.”

Enock

2024-07-17 18:37:38 +0000 UTC

I parked the car. She didn’t like the parking spot. “I’m losing some respect for you”, I find this funny, “So, you’re saying you have some respect for me, wow that’s great!”, mockingly, “Well, maybe like 10%”, “One of these days Alice, straight to the moon”. It’s not serious, however, it is self deprecating, and I’m not satisfied with the framing. Wife got grumpy about who knows what. It is funny, I laugh boisterously. I realize now that this has become too much of a one note response. Almost like I’m compensating, or a nervous laughter. So my plan was to change the response I’m having. First realizing that it is very difficult to replace a 6ft, charming, millionaire, phd, with an above average sized penis. She’s good looking but could stand to lose a few pounds(but is working on this, making progress and tracking her macros daily), middle aged, no children. Wife comes by my office. “Oh, man, I’m so hungry today”, “You’re in that grind part of dieting, it’s tough”. “I thought I was already in that part”, I noticed her arms. “Your arms are looking more slender”, “Really?!, thank you”. We’re hanging out, I let her know I want to have sex. “Maybe, I’m not feeling so great!”. Sounds like a yes to me. As we’re chatting she would occasionally say some bitch shit. I would be staring up at the clouds and focusing on my breath. I’m comfortable with quiet. Eventually she would re-engage in some positive way. This wasn’t a STFU because I’m taking a draw. This is, let’s let whatever you just said sit there. It also does not reinforce bad behavior. Eventually me: “Turn on some music”. “I need you to appreciate me having sex with you even though I feel so bad”, “I appreciate you baby, I know you feel bad, come get a hug” I’ve been reading Volume 2 of Heartiste. It’s not my job to keep the conversation going. I remember liking Volume 1 better, but there is stuff in Volume 2, like manufactured outrage(though he calls it differently), that is similar to what Rian teaches. All in all, I’ve done less and at the same time she’s constantly qualifying herself and all the work she’s doing around the house. Sex life hasn’t improved though. Didn’t get any worse. it has gotten easier.

Op Sec

2024-07-17 17:56:01 +0000 UTC

Know its been a while since I have posted. Been really focused on my nutrition and working out. I am down about 20lb and have been very consistent at the gym. Still have around another 15lb to go to hit my goal weight. Although my overall strength has increased, my visual growth is average at best. I did hit a goal for myself of being able to do pull ups. Never been able to do pull ups and after a year of lifting I decided to give them a try and was able to do 6. Now I make sure to do pull ups every day with my goal to hit 10 by the end of this year. At this point I gone from a 42in waist to 36in in just over a year. Been stuck at my current weight for a few months now so need to get focused again. Found research that says some people who don’t see growth in 5 to 12 rep ranges, can sometimes respond to higher volume workouts (12 to 20 rep range). I also started tracking my workouts with an app so I can make sure to track my lifts, and also added more exercises to my program. After just over two months of the new workout I am already seeing significant changes. Got my first bicep vein popping out while lifting. I can tell my program is working because the wife has suddenly found a love for baking cookies and brownies again. This is something that would have tripped me up in the past, but now I know it’s coming I so plan for it in my diet. My wife has also lost a lot of weight and has started to take yoga classes weekly. In my last post I was working on running more dread when my wife is acting poorly and positive reinforcement when she is adding value to my life. Been experimenting with the most effective methods and what mix seems to work best. She seems to react well to me being slightly more distant and being out of the house more. Better if I remain mostly pleasant (especially with the kids), so she still wants to be around me but just can’t seem to hold my attention and have a muted response to her affections. If she asks me if I am angry at her then I simply joke with her about if she doesn’t know why I am not going to tell her etc. I have grown to enjoy this downtime here or there. Found that simply dressing a little too well for a trip to target (maybe a small spray of cologne), and taking my time there is enough to get her hamster running. I also dress better around the house, seems to also have a positive effect. when I am running a round of dread, she has no idea what’s wrong she will start doing all kinds of thing to try to figure it out. Clean the whole house, or have dinner ready when I get home from work etc. Reminds me of all the beta stuff I tried to do to fix our sex life when I didn’t know any better. On the flip side when she does something that makes me happy. I make sure to properly reward her behaviors sporadically but not every time. Like we had great sex the last week, so I took her out to dinner to a place she has been wanting to try. Planned it all out and simply told her don’t make plans for Saturday evening and set everything up. Place was great and we had a good time being out for the night without the kids. The whole dynamic of dinner is a lot different when it’s not date night trying to get laid vs date night rewarding her for services rendered. Now what didn’t work for me. Found when I first started utilizing dread I over corrected and let it get into my head too much. I would get too distant, and I would ruminate too much and get myself very angry with her to the point where I would be no fun to be around. I didn’t want to spend anytime with her and didn’t want sex. Took me a few weeks to figure out I was over doing it and now have made the adjustments. After these adjustments things have been running much smoother. One odd thing I have noticed as of late is she is bringing up our sex life more and more. After we had sex the last time, she gave me the “we would have more sex if the house was clean”. I made a joke if I hired a clearing to come once a week does that mean I get anal? She bantered back a little and we had a good laugh. Didn’t think much of it until at dinner few nights later she mentioned something to the effect she knows we got into a roommate rut but now the kids are older she thinks things will turn around. Played this one off with a reminder of the acts she performed on me few nights ago. Sex has been way up in quality and frequency with limiting factor really being me not initiating as much as I could be each week. Over the last year sex has improved to the point where I am very happy with the quality. Things are on the upswing which is why is odd to me these conversations are coming up now. Has anyone else run into this? I know it’s normal to get this type of response when you bring up lack of sex as she is just trying to justify her lack of drive. Just haven’t heard of it getting brought up after the sex has already heated back up.

Kevlar_Soul

2024-07-17 17:29:47 +0000 UTC

Fitness – Lifting 3x a week. Looking better in the mirror. All good. Diet – I’m eating clean. Mostly no sugar, no milk, no wheat. I’m still having alcoholic drinks on the weekend. I’m going to do a dry stretch after the September long weekend up to Christmas, other than the odd mandatory social events that I get pulled into. Divorce – I had the Discovery / Mediation last week. My ex was there. Said a quick hi, nothing more. The Mediator is a real judge and can make judicial orders, but in general they only do it through mutual consent of each party. The mediation is under legal privilege to allow each party to talk freely. Each lawyer had an opening statement, after which we were to discuss each issue. I sat calmly and didn’t react to the bullshit from her lawyer. For the most part, she wouldn’t look me in the eye during her statement. In contrast, my ex couldn’t help but be passive aggressive and make faces and sounds when my lawyer gave his statement. My gruff lawyer did his gruff act and that worked for me. I didn’t argue or correct any of her lawyer’s assertions. No DEERing at all. I only argued the go forward negotiations. We agreed that I would get some property valuations done on a few of my businesses that hold real estate. We agreed to a actual mediation. They lawyers argued who we should appoint to that role. The opposing lawyer didn’t like who we proposed and suggested somebody else. I jumped in and said that’s fine because it doesn’t matter who sits in the middle of a table. What I sense is that lawyers are total dorks for numbers, formulas and spreadsheets. The opposing lawyer said her desired mediator had good spreadsheets. The exact numbers and precision mean nothing for a negotiation in my view. What we’re really negotiating is how much of a discount are they going to take to avoid going to a full trial a couple years from now? This is a ‘Frame’ thing. I’m not going to accept their framework of arguing the formulas in MS Excel. I haven’t yet discussed negotiation strategy with my lawyer, but I think I need to change the ‘frame’ at the onset. If we negotiate the pennies, we’ve accepted their framework for dividing assets down the middle. In reality, the negotiation is what they’ll accept to avoid court. So negotiating the details serves no purpose other than to establish what 50:50 actually is. For now, they’re still trying to figure out what my assets are worth and both lawyers said this is the largest financial disclosure they’ve dealt with in their careers. As a first step, they need to understand what we’re talking about. They tried to negotiate some outcomes for my kid’s medical care. I pointed out that he’s a third party so we’re all wasting our breath because he’s not at the table representing his interest. The Judge paused and said I was correct. They tried to get me to consent to my son getting legal advice which I said no to. The Judge tried to pressure me, but I asked how can I agree to enabling somebody to take legal action against me? It seems legally inappropriate to me. I agreed to pay some child support (it’s about half what it will ultimately be because my income is lower on paper from previous income splitting with my ex), but didn’t agree on any spousal support. The reason is an actual judge for my case, will know whether I paid child support after this mediation…. Better beta… Chicks - I've been getting more attention from chicks (mostly milfs) in the last couple weeks. Maybe it's my summer clothing that shows my body more. I didn't engage any of them... I don't know if the reason is me being lazy, having a girlfriend, but I don't think it's concern of rejection, especially if they're showing interest. Either way, going forward, I will play along to keep that skill active.

Dave

2024-07-17 16:41:11 +0000 UTC

As far as I know, there is no higher tier. You can just add yours here. But if you take too long, it will not be considered because of a lack of time

Aaron Sheffield

2024-07-17 15:37:38 +0000 UTC

Funny anecdotes that can be skipped: Funny enough, during our trip to madrid when she commented for the first time in our relationship that she has not been in the mood for a while, I told her “yeah, I noticed”, then she offended asked “then why did you do it”, and I answered “because I was horny” in a playful manner. I had sex 3 more times with her that week. Also, the day before, I put her hand in my dick to initiate and she started with a super lame handjob. 2 minutes later, I told her, hey no worries, this is not working. And she got super mad and wrapped herself on the other side of the bed until the next day. The next day she told me she was super offended and resented by the fact that I rejected her. I told her that “to be honest, that was a very lame handjob”. To which she answered “but I was not in the mood”. I just laugh it off. During the 3-week trip they sometimes ignored me (or excluded me from the conversation by speaking only in Turkish), then I “removed” myself from the team (to the extent it was possible) and then they got friendly again, and so on. If my gf was a bitch, I gave my attention to her sister, and vice versa. The sister started incorporating some of my behaviors (even my laugh style and some mannerisms), which was hilarious.

Aaron Sheffield

2024-07-17 14:54:05 +0000 UTC

Field Report 3 (the questions are at the end) Aaron Sheffield is not my real name. Stronglifts 5x5: Squat 65kg, Bench press 70kg, 1.85m, 89 kg. Quick recap: My relationship lasted 1 year and 7 months. I'm 37, and she's 27. Early in our relationship, she asked about my plans for children; I wanted them in 2 to 3 years, whereas she thought about starting at 35 but remained undecided. As the first year progressed, she increasingly entertained the idea of children on her own initiative. Her commitment to our relationship slowly grew for the first 15 months but then stabilized four months ago. I noticed she was trying to keep things from moving forward. We did not live together. Here are key points from my relationship: (1) We typically had sex 1 to 2 times per week, meeting my minimum expectation. (2) Her psychologist identified her as having an avoidant attachment style (do you have an opinion about this theory, Rian?), which I now see as accurate. (4) Recently, I've been giving affection, attention, and commitment only when genuinely felt, not to gain something in return. (5) Early on, I planned to move from Sweden to Poland for six months to both save money and gauge her commitment (ride or die bitch haha). She was hesitant but considered it. Her only local (Sweden) tie is her sister; she has no other family, friends, or job here, influencing my estimate of a 50% chance she might refuse the move. Three months ago: I noticed the frequency of enthusiastic sex (meaning sex in which she facilitates the logistics that will lead to it) started decreasing; first, in subtle ways (body language like being stiff or occasionally recoiling from touch, using uglier underwear, less sexy clothes). In this stage, I found myself withdrawing attention and a bit of affection (for example, I planned less elaborate dates out of laziness, or less cuddles without actually fucking first, because I did not felt good giving cuddles to push a covert contract), she got anxious and the usual frequency of sex (although, not enthusiastic) continued. I tried to separate sex from intimacy constantly, but I found it hard to do it because not having sex in one of our encounters, means 2 weeks without it. I don’t like that. Two months ago: Then, sex decreased in more explicit ways (avoid coming to my place using lame excuses or doing her best to put herself in situations where sex is logistically hard, or telling me for the first time that she hasn’t been in the mood lately for some reason). In this stage, I started withdrawing attention and more affection (I stopped feeling like initiating holding hands, or spontaneous hugs and the like). This translated into still fun, but more simple dates, or just hanging at my apartment. We had a trip here to Madrid to visit my sister, but I did not have a good time overall. I got confused with the directions once, for example, and she got stone cold and resented, this has exacerbated for the past months. Low tolerance to “incompetence”. I am being very honest when I say that my incompetence are very far in between. But each time it happens, I get some nice stonewalling from her, which I absolutely ignore. One month ago: Finally, super explicit ways (using her sister as a wall/barricade between us, literally and figuratively speaking, and explicitly expressing that she does not want sex each time I initiated, except on my birthday, where she enthusiastically facilitated sex for the first time in 3 months. At this stage, I began to pull back on giving attention, affection, and commitment (at the end of the month I was already swiping on tinder). On the first day of a three-week trip with her sister to the greek islands, after a disrespectful behavior on her side, where I told her to not cut me in the middle of the conversation in front of her sister, my girlfriend revealed she did not want children, preferring to focus on her career and independence. She later revealed that her mother (single and kind of absent mother) told her that children become a life's primary focus, and she wanted financial independence and further her career. She expressed a desire not to be consumed by our relationship, I said OK, and she started crying. I decided to stay with them during the trip to learn and practice everything I could to maximize the amount of sex I could get from her in a situation as abnormal as this one. We had sex nearly each night, for a week and a half, and she cried super hard each time, while fucking. Then, after a conversation she had with her sister, the frequency dropped and until the end of the trip when it reached 0. The last time was me literally pulling her into the bathroom at her parents place 4 days before the trip ended. Now that we returned to Sweden, she faded away without any contact (I have not contact her either, since I have been applying the 2/3 rule religiously, I am interpreting this as she breaking up with me for good). What I want to ask: This has been a relationship in which I did not use open communication to get what I wanted (aka, sex and relationship development so we can have kids eventually). The only instances in which I talked openly were instances like this one: During the trip, she reached out to me after a day of no attention or affection. She asked me why I was like that. I told her that I don’t feel like hanging around abrasive people. And then I went full “broken record”, assuming that she knew exactly that she was behaving poorly, even if she denies it. Am I being to autistic and strict about it? Are there situations in which open communication works? What if she actually does not know she is being a cunt? If we enter on a cycle in which I remove attention and affection and she mirrors it (she start doing the same, which is something that happened during the last 2 months) how can I break that cycle? Current goals: Spin plates like a mothefucker in poland

Aaron Sheffield

2024-07-17 14:51:47 +0000 UTC

Post #1 Writing this off of my phone so it may be a bit sloppy. This post probably won't be worth reading, that's ok I'm just trying to get on the board and get started. This is more for me than to have comments/ replys but they are welcomed. 32, married 10 years. I was the drunk captain scenario with nice guy tendencies. Wife's affair finally zeroed me out. I worked my ass off and expected everyone to see that and appreciate it, when they didn't it would upset me. I expected my wife to do all of the "wifely " things when that didn't happen I would get mad, we would fight. I didn't offer much structure, it was mostly me complaining about the house not being clean enough or clothes being everywhere etc with me only stepping up to take care of things after the fight or I had reached an anger point. Basically the same story every other guy has. I found the red pill about 2 years ago, and finally decided it was time to make a change. I haven't hit the gym like I should, it's mostly been weights at home but where i have made progress is in the "don't be un attractive " areas. It's amazing how big a difference just taking a little bit more time for yourself will make. When I come home I find clean decent clothes to wear, I'm more conscious of what I wear when not working. (I'd usually just wear some old jeans and a T) I've completed 90% of the side bar and continue to listen every so often for a re fresher. Basically I've taken the beginning steps, does this benefit me and what do I get from it? If it doesn't I normally opt out. I treat my appearance better and actually put in some effort to be presentable when I go out. I've worked on covert contracts and I actually see women for women now, it's actually amusing to watch and see how they communicate knowing they don't even realize what they are doing. I'm in a unique position compared to most men because my wife has some medical conditions that are requiring her to take chemo treatments and that make some situations a little bit more difficult for me to handle. It is funny, my situation has improved some, more sex, a few random bj's , and even anal on occasion I could only imagine what would happen if she wasn't on treatments. In the beginning she tried to fight with me a lot, complained about how we always would "fight" but then I would hear her on the phone with her friends telling them how she was happier than she's been in a long time. We would end up arguing at times for the most part I would tell her I don't have time for this (if I knew it would get to me and cause me to actually argue back) others I would make a joke about it or just act very angry and start yelling, wait for her to yell back and just start laughing and ask her what we're supposed to be yelling about again. It is amazing to a new guy how many arguments or fights you can magically prevent from happening just by saying something or acting a particular way. I learned that no doesn't always mean no, and that it isn't actually a no if you don't try to initiate. Monday night we were laying in bed, she was in a bad mood and I wanted to do the deed. I layed in bed annoyed that she was in a shitty mood and I wasn't going to get any. Then I realized.. I hadn't even tried, why am I upset?? So, I initiated and 30 minutes later I was satisfied and she way laying on my chest telling me good night and that she loved me. Pretty amazing how a situation can go two different ways and my actions determine which route it will It's my responsibility to handle my life, I don't get to complain about the outcomes if I don't influence them. That's my short post/rant. Current Goals: Get a regular gym routine Get my weight back up to around 180lbs (im 5'11) Get a little tighter with finances and get my war chest up to 10k (currently st 3k) Adjust my schedule to where I have 15hrs a week for my projects. Open and talk to 4-5 people per week in public. (I want to get more comfortable walking up and initiating conversations)

2024-07-17 13:23:38 +0000 UTC

Hi guys. Who can add their field reports here - everyone, or only those signed up for a higher tier?

Puatki

2024-07-17 13:16:26 +0000 UTC

OPT-IN PROBLEMS: GROUP DYNAMIC I was travelling with friends and the group agreed on waking up early. I said I hated it but that this time I would do it. The next day woke up grumpy and butthurt because I had agreed to something deep down I did not want (because I had been “forced” by the group). Bullshit. Nobody forced me to do anything, I opted in on that shit. The next day I told them I wouldn’t wake up early and that I could go meet them later. Interestingly, everybody decided to wake up later the following day - maybe being pulled to my frame. --- --- --- WISNIFG: FOGGING & BROKEN RECORD A friend of mine was being blocked from getting into a bus because he was inadvertently showing the wrong ticket. The driver was trying to kick him out, but I fogged and did broken record and that gave enough time for a random lady to give him a ticket of hers. --- --- --- GAME: COMING OFF TOO STRONGLY I was talking in the water with a friend when a group of American girls approached us asking if I could take a photo. I teased by saying an emphatic “No!” and they started showing interest asking where we were from. When they asked if the photos were good I teased them by saying I would have to check in the end but that at least the view behind them was good. I was not in the mood to waste too much time to talk with them, so asked for their instagrams. At that point they lost interest. I probably I came off a bit too strong but had fun throwing shit and seeing if it landed. --- --- --- VALIDATION-SEEKING: IMPULSION I still struggle with validation-seeking. It’s not that I actually care about the opinion of others, more I like the dopamine rush I get when I show off something. It’s almost impulsive. --- --- --- FRAME: KNOWING WHAT I WANT TO DO AND DOING IT INDEPENDENTLY OF OTHER'S JUDGEMENTS In a week my Erasmus finishes and one idea that I've reinforced in these 6 months living abroad was that the idea of "making the most while I'm here" is bullshit and can even put pressure on you in a way that prevents you from enjoying your time. "Making the most" for me means doing what I want to do, even if it seems like time wasted for other people. I'm going to the gym? "But that you can do in your country!". So what? I want to do it, and so I do it. It doesn't matter where I am, I'll do what I want to do. If that means having slow days where I just go to the gym and watch Dragon Ball, then be it.

Owning My Shit

2024-07-17 12:00:29 +0000 UTC

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