#262
Added 2024-03-13 19:29:01 +0000 UTC
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Field Report (argument regarding gf backpacking alone in EU) I am having an argument with gf who says she wants to backpack through EU this summer as she is already traveling there for one of her friend's wedding. Her excuse for doing this was that she couldn't do it before we met due to C19. I am already apprehensive at her going by herself to her friend's wedding as I am aware of the degenerate things females get to during bachelorette parties (certainly in a foreign country) but then adding to that traveling for a month by herself is also not I am comfortable with for similar reasons. To top it off this is all happening just before our current lease is ending and we need to find a new place to live. I think my concerns are justified and her decisions are irrational and I think I should put my foot down and not accept any of this. Was wondering if others here have more insight into what I should do? Thanks in advance. Extra info: we have been together for about a year now and also living together right now. Obviously I can't travel with her since I have work commitment.
heeroena
2024-03-20 04:54:10 +0000 UTCWhere do I find the opsec guide?
P-O-E
2024-03-14 22:19:07 +0000 UTCHave a family friendly tradeshow/conference this weekend for a hobby of mine that my wife also happens to be interested in. We’ve gone in previous years, but the thousands of people and cramped isles make her nervous and axious. WIFE: Are you going to the show this weekend? ME: Yes I will be and I’m brining our kid with. WIFE: I’m not comfortable with you brining our kid to the show. ME: Why not? WIFE: Because I’m not comfortable with it. ME: Why not? We’ve brought the kid with before. WIFE: Because I’m not comfortable with it. ME: Why are you not comfortable with it. WIFE: Because i’m just not. ME: Why not? There must be a reason. WIFE: I don’t have to give you a reason, I’m just not comfortable with it. [Kids name] isn’t going with you. ME: I want to bring our kid to the show. There’s no reason for me to not bring our kid with. WIFE: I’m not comfortable with it. ME: Yes, you told me that already. But I want to bring our kids on a fun outing and you haven’t given me a reason why you’re uncomfortable with our kids going with me to the show. WIFE: it doesn’t even matter what I think. You’re going to do what you want anyways so it doesn’t even matter. ME: I want to discuss this like grown adults. You’re not giving a reason so there’s nothing for me to consider when making the decision to bring our kid to a safe event where the kid will be holding my hand. Wife: whatever Me: let’s talk later this week when you call tell me why you’re uncomfortable about it. Q: Is the “you’ll do whatever you want anyways” a shit test? Or declaration of powerlessness? Something clicked for me with my wife. She had been dealing with phone issues all week and was all cunty when I picked her up from work. She asked me to help her get the issue fixed. I call support and get to the point where she needs to take the physical SIM card out of her phone to activate an eSIM since both had been in at same time and were likely causing it to not work. Her: I don’t want to do that! Me: why not? you asked for my help… Her: because it’s going to mess up my phone again! Me: it’s probably causing the issue…and you asked me to help Her [full of rage] I don’t want to do that! Me: okay, then. *I turn to go down the stairs* Her: what are you doing? I’m talking to you! Me: I know. Her: I’m not done yet! Me: I have the rep on the phone trying to fix your problem and I’m I walk away as she’s fuming and get some things done. She opts for silent treatment and spiteful facial expressions while I get our kid to bed. Phone randomly stop working and she ends up calling support and having to do exactly what I told her she needed to do earlier. 20 minutes later her phone is working, get more anger and silence so I leave and do meal prep. …And what do you know! This morning it’s like nothing happened, imagine that. Lesson: stop taking her so serious and being afraid of her emotions, go do what I need to do and stop tolerating and rewarding bad behavior.
Alligator_Snapping_Turtle
2024-03-14 18:48:49 +0000 UTCDo you have fun? Or is these pua missions? I can tell you have studies the techniques. Here is some Monday morning quarterbacking: -ca… is that a good or bad thing? (This is a shit test- perfect). Ca vibe is awsome, but I could never get along with a ca girl. (Now it is you and me). Her: why… You: we both know why!? Especially her. See the way she is smirking. She knows. (Make it sexual). Your nervousness is coming from being outcome dependent. Have fun. It’s your world.
Cousin Eddie
2024-03-14 17:58:44 +0000 UTCMale friend group: Focus on 3 points of contact. Ex: Hockey. Then beers at a bar. Have some over to watch a game. They are acquaintances until then. Most have no friends. 0. Donut. So this is a very productive tact. Learn ooda. Reporting from the past tense. Ex: Write about an example of how you hit on your wife. Self shame is interesting. It points to lack of frame. More you work, write… the more you will get out of this.
Cousin Eddie
2024-03-14 17:50:14 +0000 UTCAnthony, I would dramatically soften your approach because You don’t have frame to do what you are doing. Let me explain…. 1. Last week was your first fn. guys never come here and have frame off the bat. (Frame= a reality with you as the main character) 2. Opening statements: you put ownership of your actions on a manosphere internet group. If you had frame you would would be the owner. You certainly will be the person dealing with the consequences. 3. A hard boundary like that is drawing a line in the sand. Read strippers comment. 4. You reported how others reacted to your decision. Evidence that you are a function of others. 5. Your report is filled with she, wife, they. Statements. Meaning you are not your point of origin. ‘Yet’. Family cold wars are everywhere. They suck. There was so many ways to handle this. If I were you I would stfu. De thaw the Cold War. Say: “let’s do this event with just friends. Yes, I am but hurt about your mom’s behavior towards me but I will get over it. There’s always more Hollidays.” And work on being your point of origin. At least a year before you start drawing lines in the sand. I bet you will find family and friends embracing your frame. Throwing money at you to buy a house… or whatever. It not, then you can embrace this Rambo tactic.
Cousin Eddie
2024-03-14 17:39:04 +0000 UTCI went to a bar last night, first time since 2019. Different city for different job. Had a hell of a good time. All the things that we talk about with game and social dynamics on full display, but I notice as I’m there I’m conscious of it, but unlike in 2019 I’ve gotten over the whole play-by-play “okay, I am now talking to the girl, and I have to make sure I’m not presenting as a social retard, etc./no, don’t put your foot on that part of the bar stool”. Or “so, she just rolled her eyes, but was the eye roll directed at me or the other guy, given that we both just spoke it’s difficult to tell, how can I find out without outright asking, etc.” Mostly, I’m just rolling with it, and I’m not freezing up around people (men and women alike) anymore. Getting better at paying attention to body language and voice tone and facial expressions (my own and other peoples’) in real time without thinking about it because I’ve learned so much about it over the course of 5 years, so now in-person interactions are better. Of course, there are still plenty of gaps in this skill I’m developing. One thing that made the night great. To start with, my goal yesterday night was not to get laid—and that took a ton of pressure off. I’d found out about this bar because it offers free Spanish classes. Spanish is something I’ve wanted to get better at for a long time and I’ve taken classes, so great opportunity to meat people generally who presumably want to a relaxing evening after work. Parking is a no-go, so I leave my car in the parking garage and walk 20 minutes. Something psychological about not having the easy option to chicken out and leave cuz it’s a 20-minute walk back instead of a 20 second walk to the car. I go in a little nervous—recall 2019 was the last time I was in a bar, and it sucked because I didn’t know what I was doing socially. I talk to the guy out front and say I’m here for Spanish lessons. He tells me the instructor is sick so try back next week. So, fuck it, I’m here, so new goal, get buzzed (not drunk because I got work next day) and take baby steps towards being social. I pull up a seat at the bar and order a Corona to get started. Bartender is a 6 looks-wise and early 20s, which is perfect to practice being in a bar with a girl while slightly nervous. But it turns out, the owner is way more fun to talk to, so he and I talk for 10 or 15 minutes and it’s amazing how long you can keep up conversation on subject of travel. I mean, I knew this, it’s been talked about a lot in this space, but to really see it play out in real-time makes it easier for me to more casually bring it up again in the future. Owner goes to do his thing, and I go back to talking to the bartender a little bit, asking her about what other kind of events they have etc. A few girls come and get drinks and then go to their tables. Every once in a while, some girls come up to the bar throughout the night and sit down next to me. Good opportunity to practice “sets”, so I start opener with “Let me guess, here for Spanish class, too?” That worked very well, because some of them were, and for those that weren’t, it got the conversation going anyway. I stay away from the boring “what do you do” questions no matter who I’m talking to, make assumptions, get corrected when they’re proven ‘wrong’, and just have fun with assumptions. Two blondes in their early 20s walk in and sit next to me, order their drinks and do their girl chatter. So, I interject, “You ladies have a California vibe going on”. One of them shoots back, “Yeah, and is that a good thing or bad thing?” And I say, “it depends, I’ve met California assholes and awesome people there too”. Then from the other one “Well, we’re not from California but we’re awesome”. So, I say “Really, tell me more about how awesome you are—and by the way (turning to the other blonde) is she always this conceited, or only around guys you’re trying to impress?”. They both laugh. And on goes the banter and even the bartender gets back into the action, and teasing is had by all, it’s like we’ve all been doing this together for years. Music is up but not to point where talking is difficult. And that leads to something I’ve been trying to work on. It doesn’t happen often, but I do catch myself talking from my throat rather than my diaphragm, and it’s often enough that my voice doesn’t project as much, or when it does it’s really loud and harsh. So, if anyone has suggestions based on overcoming this challenge, I’m all ears. Had work early (this is my lunch break), so I didn’t stay past 11:00pm. Had a few drinks, got buzzed, talked to some fun people mission accomplished. The mission was not to pull, just to put myself out there. I’ll practice more gamey stuff some other time and probably at another bar. This is just social practice. Startling realization (for me anyway), that everything flows more naturally when I’m a little buzzed, and yet for years I’ve been trying to do only day game without any liquor. So maybe I found out this works better for me, which I wouldn’t have known if I just went home after work and did the same boring schedule. I’m excited for next Wednesday--going back and hopefully learning some Spanish, but really glad I took the step to get out of my comfort zone. In the course of a day, I went from not knowing anyone in the city other than my coworkers and neighbors, to, hey “I got a Wednesday place to chill at.”
Gunsmoke
2024-03-14 17:04:41 +0000 UTCThe fn of how sex went down feels ‘door to door sales’. - Fuck me or fuck off. An observation, not a critique. ——She turns up in 20 minutes or so, “Have I met your needs?”, “yeah babe, what’s up?”.…. I would have started laughing. Come on——This is pretty funny. Pulled out a calendar or a checklist…. Check, check, “Wait, - only 1.5 ounces of cum was ejaculated on your tits. We were shooting for 2 ounces…. We still have 10 hrs. Feww ok.” But this is getting into the conversation that is in my comments about. Validation…. How much energy, creativity do you want to put into fogging…. Will check out that book.
Cousin Eddie
2024-03-14 16:55:43 +0000 UTCFR 1: Background: Mid 30s 5’7” 188lbs 18%, married, 3 kids . Lift 6 days a week, PPL, intermittent fasting until 175lbs. Lurked in the red pill space since 2021 but realized my life was a complete mess that would require a foundation before I could even start. What I want; I’m retiring from the military, where I didn’t get to enjoy the freedom of choice for the majority of my adult life. I will enjoy the ability to choice what I do for the rest of my adult life. What I worked on this week: - Getting out of my house more often is vital for me. I felt stuck sometimes, mostly for shame that I would cause turmoil because of my absence. I realized that for the most part, everything was fine while I was gone, and if there was a turmoil that wasn’t on me. - Need to hang out and socialize with men outside of my family circle. I missed this friend dynamic from the military. Shooting shit and breaking balls really relieves the boredom of life. I joined a men’s hockey league and I have a blast with these guys. - On top of maintaining the outdoor work on my house, I took over the chores in my house completely, and I’m keeping it to the standard I want it to be. I’ve noticed that my kids have copied my efforts in their bedrooms without me saying anything. - I’m playing hockey and other things outside with my kids too, now that the spring weather is coming. This is fun but also helps with my sleep( I wiped after this). - Initiate sex when I want to have sex. Probably 30% success rate. I no longer try to read for signs that I think would be no gos (too mad, too stressed or too busy) and wait for a hard no. If it is a hard no I say “ no worries “ and read a book or draw something I’m working on with good music playing.
RIPped_Bandaid1
2024-03-14 16:21:13 +0000 UTC——Chicken: Done well. Subtext: I do chores the way I want on my timeline. ——Her dumping emotions on you: You can fog, nod, stfu.? If she respects your time, try “sounds tuff… sounds horrible”. Reflect her emotion back. (But this beta behavior that is a reward) If she is using you as a punching bag… read my fn this week. You “please see your way to the door.” —-her probing, condescending questions: I heard you talking to a girl? … so she helping you..? You: ya, she’s helping me. And she has a nice rack. What else are you not telling me? You: lots of stuff. Her like what. You: stuff. Smirk (make it sexual). Her… You: I had a bad dream. I can’t say any more…. I’ve said to much. Our father, … I have sinned…. lol, have fun with it. If she embraces the frame… great. If not, move on with what you are doing.
Cousin Eddie
2024-03-14 16:20:31 +0000 UTCField Report Number Two Goal: Stand My Ground Introduction: After last week's discussion on here and realization about my lack of assertiveness, I knew exactly what I needed to do. Background: The central issue of this report is my decision to prohibit my wife's mother from coming to the baby shower due to past disrespect towards me. Discussion: I communicated my decision to my wife as follows: Me: "Hey, is your mother coming?" Wife: "She's going to be here tomorrow." Me: "Well, she's not allowed to come over anymore." Wife: "Oh my God, why?" Me: "Because I don't like the way she disrespected me, and I'm not going to put up with that." The reaction from my wife was deeply emotional, leading to a significant upset (she cried as if I had shot a baby horse in front of her). Upon informing her mother of the decision, she stated, "I'm not going to change for anybody or anything." I resorted to the "broken record technique," from "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty," to firmly and repeatedly convey my decision without escalation: "Okay, well your mom's not invited over. That's it. That's final. No more about anything." Wife continued to cry and cry. Ask 'why?' I jus simply shrugged it off and said "I already told you end of decision" I wasn't going to allow myself to be phased by any of it. I'm not scared of her emotions. I just kept in mind my assertive bill of rights: -That I have a right not to care- This period also brought a broader realization: It's pretty bizarre how, when you're not paying attention and you get too comfortable, that's when things start to kind of crumble on you. This insight has underscored the importance of vigilance and the need to actively manage and maintain healthy boundaries within personal and family relationships. Conclusion: Following the decision to enforce a boundary with my wife's mother, I faced a mix of support and backlash from close friends and family. They all told me I was going to hurt the baby (wife is pregnant) and that all this stress is not good. That I need to make peace. To go along to get along. Now, they all say I was right, after the fact, but it was like they all wanted to scare me. The application of the "broken record technique" served as a crucial tool in maintaining my stance amid pressure. Def will use again.
xXanthonyXx
2024-03-14 16:16:42 +0000 UTCOh, i can tell you war stories of tampons in the toilet. I have seen the main sewage line to the street have to be completely replaced. It is the main reason we don’t allow the public to use our commercial bathroom! I would not of hugged her tightly…. Not sure your reset conclusion is correct. Me: doing the two fingers (I got my eye on you). “You are on my shit list for the day.” cocky funny. “Am I going to find used tampons in my glove compartment? “. Treat her like a teenager…a child. All day I would have made fun of her: to her: Look at that specimen (fat chick) “ I bet she can clog a toilet with tampons!”
Cousin Eddie
2024-03-14 15:40:40 +0000 UTC@opsec yes it felt different. And her reaction was different. I see what you have been saying.
Cousin Eddie
2024-03-14 14:36:35 +0000 UTCI rode the fence. Tried to stay neutral. In the beginning it was read as confrontational. At the end it was read as playful. Subtext: this can be a fight or we can have fun with it.
Cousin Eddie
2024-03-14 14:35:28 +0000 UTCJesus fucking christ. Tampons in the toilet. Most responsible teenager indeed. Well, just teenager at this point.
Op Sec
2024-03-14 11:52:54 +0000 UTCFitness. Change your goals to something you can do, or come up with a better plan on how you can hit your goal. You write like I hit my goal 5 out of 7 times like it's a win. I have no idea of what Stripper is talking about when he is talking about support. It's either more of his longhouse nonsense, or some draw the fucking owl advice. She was venting, fogging is fine, you can just sit there and nod. > Alarm goes off in morning. I am feeling groggy. Wife starts barraging me with questions. I wasn’t ready for it and spoke too much. > Wife: Where were you last night – were you at that class? So of course this is when they talk about it. Very common. Here's the answer. "I'm feeling groggy right now, we can talk about this when I've had a chance to wake up". Verbal intercourse is optional, and you can broken record that. > Wife: Why haven’t you told me about it? Why questions are always demands for justification. She might as well have said "Why are you a fuck?". > What other things have you been up to that you are not telling me about? I heard you talking to that girl in your office on Saturday. "I'm a man of mystery. " Have fun with it. Straight answer starting to venture into the DEER category. She didn't ask about her, just mentioned her. Her imagination is your asset. > Who is she? "Are you jealous?" > I love you ground hog (covert contract to get me to respond in kind) Validation seeking from your wife. Doesn't sound like you think she earned that validation. You failed a comfort test. She can have covert contracts and you can decide if the contract is worth it. You on the other don't get to have covert contracts. Don't assume that just because you want to eliminate a behavior in yourself, that you also want to eliminate it in your wife. Nice guy strategies are submissive, validation seeking, feminine strategies and which sounds like the kind of behavior you want from a wife. The reason men do them is because that's what they want, so they assume the other person wants them. The reason women are bitchy is because that's what they want. Yeah, good call on getting out of the house and getting a life. I explained dread to a friend(don't red pill your friends, he's already somewhat there) of mine, and he responded, oh so "you basically get a life".
Op Sec
2024-03-14 11:49:43 +0000 UTCGoing down the sidebar from Rian’s post where it is well organized. I finally read the Red Queen. This was required reading when I was doing PUA. For some reason, I thought I don’t need this, I know what’s in here. That was not inaccurate, however, I find that while there isn’t one piece of information that I didn’t know, there is something to the way that it is put together and the mindset with which it was written in. Highly recommended. Also I have a PhD in one of the fields discussed and have worked with people cited by the book, for the science parts that I was able to directly verify it was spot on. Which is nice. I’m almost done reading Be slightly evil. The for/against me and higher/lower status transactional analysis as well as the idea of open and closed conversations is here. I have found reading both Rian’s take on it and Rao’s is good, especially since I get so much value out of this model. Would highly recommend this book, like red pill for a corporate environment. I started recommending it to select people I mentor. I had been more aloof than normal. E.g. come back from the gym, don’t say anything and go take a shower, then get working. Skipping pleasantries. Later, I go find the wife, she’s about to take a shower, so I suggest sex afterwards. She had been somewhat cordial until that point in time, but scowled and said yes. Well, if she wants to have to do more work to turn me on in bed that’s her business. After we have sex, I go back to the office and back to work. She turns up in 20 minutes or so, “Have I met your needs?”, “yeah babe, what’s up?”. “Nothing”. Does it again in another 10 minutes and then leaves me alone. I continue to work, pursue hobbies, or fuck around to take a break for the rest of the day. I might have been getting the silent treatment, but oblivious to it. Next day, she comes to my office, crying, like crying so much I thought someone died. I gave her a hug and she took my jacket off, then sex. After that she went back to house chores. At first this felt weird to me, but now it feels more normal as I observe better. It’s like even the slightest bit of effort is validation seeking and it is not met well. I get home and we cook dinner. “How was your day?”. Type questions get met with one word answers. Going about the cooking and not worrying about it and she opens up and is more pleasant. It’s not that I need her to be more pleasant, I need her to suck my dick(which she did last night). Being aloof all day, she comes to my office with refreshments, and chatter(so I get a nice break, break my concentration and get a breather). Got a notice in the mail that the house generator needs to be serviced regularly. These guys were doing it for the previous owner. I don’t want to deal with this, at best, throw some money at the problem and make sure I have a working generator. I ask my wife if she can take care of it. It affects her more anyway. I said I wanted to hire a maid, the bathrooms look like shit, and even know which one, but she wants to do it because control. So she said she is going to do it, and instead of spending a few minutes on the phone, spent hours cleaning them herself. She’s conspicuously washing the towels more often(to prevent me from doing it). On another day we’re making dinner together, and I tell her to do something. her: “I don’t have to do what you say”. me: “Ok”, but there was an undertone of “there might be consequences”. What happened next was, she DEER’ed and then 100% complied with the spirit of my request with 100% non compliance with what I technically asked for. Impressive in an amusing sense. I said “Ok” with a satisfied undertone.
Op Sec
2024-03-14 11:29:15 +0000 UTClove it. "get lost" "beat it". No qualification there. How differently did that feel compared to when you would respond more creatively? Sounds stupid as hell to say, but I'm stealing this, will use "get lost" and "beat it" and report back.
Op Sec
2024-03-14 10:50:22 +0000 UTC50 closed communication and betatizion till death. I was making dinner enjoying episode 13 of love is blind. My wife comes home from work. She criticizes my ground beef cooking, “you did not use any taco seasoning? Your cooking is bland, it sucks.” Me without skipping a beat:”get lost.” Her: “it’s bland...” Me: “beat it” Her:… checking shelf’s for seasoning (micromanaging, getting emotional) Me: pouring seasoned tomato sauce onto the cooking ground beef. (It is now obvious I am not cooking taco meat.) Her: why did you not tell me you were making spaghetti. Me: “get lost.” She eventually apologized for “being a micro managing bitch.” Me: “beat it.” The tone changed to match my frame. She calmed down and watched narcissist on Netflix with me. Laughed… relaxed. My tone was always calm and nonchalant. Subtext: deering is not happening. I am enjoying my Netflix garbage and cooking, despite your bitchiness. Rp point: closed communication. Zero deering turned a potential blowout into a nice evening. Betatization was not allowed in my frame. And due to consistency she knew how this would play out the instant I told her to beat it. Death due us part: my mom was telling me about her friends marital drama. (Age 78-82). Husband refused to take off his hoody at a dinner because wife was pestering him about it. He handled it poorly - very reactive, like a child. She left crying. Both are having severe health issues (dying). Rp point:learn proper ooda loops because betatization will happen till you die.
Cousin Eddie
2024-03-14 04:18:43 +0000 UTCField Report #4 This week’s focus was same as last week (1) Health & Fitness and (2) Red Pill Relationship Skills (1) Health & Fitness: Regimen was good. Hit step goal 7 out of 7 days. Hit workout target – 5 out of 7 days. Kept my nutrition plan. Weight stayed steady but measurements indicated that stomach shrunk a bit. Pant are getting looser, which feels good. Received unsolicited feedback from Mother in law , and future son-in-law made a big deal of my weight loss in front of my wife, which was nice but I still have a long way to go. Wife was silent but glared...now if only I could get some preselection from non-family members. (2) Red Pill Relationship Skills: Focused on Manuel Smith and NMMNG Skills – particularly stopping Covert Contracts, not DEERING, Fixing Fogging problems that you identified in last week’s patreon call, and using broken record. Interactions with the wife seemed quite distant this week and I had few opportunities. DEERING / Covert Contracts - Last week’s patreon discussion about the DEERING type of covert contract was very relevant to me. I have the exact pattern that you described when you said (1) I feel the urge to tell other people my reasoning or rationale (2) I believe that when other’s understand my feelings, rationale, or reasoning that they will agree with me, or come to the same conclusion (3) then I will feel comfortable and at ease and be happy. (COVERT CONTRACT) This comes from 3 places (1) Habit of defending myself from my mother (2) being trained in debate / argumentation – and feeling like I need to do it all the time – as if anyone cares (3) spending 30 years in corporate America answering to all kinds of questions from hierarchical organizations ============================= Example 1: NOT DEERING - Mother ============================= This DEERING pattern became very obvious to me in a discussion this week with my mother. On a phone call with Mom, she started asking me a litany of questions – about the wife, the job, the children, etc. and I started to feel this urge to explain...just like when I was a little kid and I caught myself. Went like this: She said: Aren’t you going to do x (which is something that she thought I “should” do). Me: No, I’m not getting involved. (trying to answer without DEERING) Mother: Don’t you think that you should because x, y, z. Me: No. I’m not going to do anything. (I felt a huge urge to DEER but resisted), I could have fogged but didn’t remember to) Mother: Oh, Ok. (Long disapproving silence, hoping I would fill the silence.) Me: Silence / STFU. I felt this huge urge to DEER but just let the silence sit there and just become uncomfortable....and she eventually dropped it. Mother: Well I guess you don’t want to talk anymore. Me: Cool, good talking with you Mom – we'll talk next week, ok. I got off the phone and thought holy shit.... this urge to DEER is exactly the pattern that I have in other areas of my life – with wife, in business situations, etc. This felt quite weird – at one level I felt like I didn’t explain myself, and at another level I felt good for not explaining myself. ======================== Example 2: Fogging Properly ======================== Me: I am laying in bed getting ready to sleep. Wife: Comes in, and wants to talk. Starts talking about how tired she is, how overweight she is, how stressed she is about the baby shower for her niece, and our daughters wedding. Me: I am thinking how do I acknowledge without validating. I let her go on for 1-2 minutes, giving an occasional "hmmm, I see, what happened then." After she pauses to take a breath I attempt to fog “I see how you could feel that way.” Wife: Continues talking for about 30 seconds then leaves and goes somewhere else ================================== Example 3: Not DEERING, Broken record ================================== Me: I am fixing a broken piece of furniture Wife: Approaches me and says – I am going to church with my mom and the kids (I exited the catholic church over a decade ago and no longer attend). I have 2 chickens that I want you to cut up and have ready for when I get back. Me: Thinking but not talking. I don’t want to do this. She doesn’t fuck me or treat me the way I want so I don’t want to cut the god damn chicken – yes – I am still angry Wife: So will you do that for me. Me: No, I don’t want to do that. You can do it yourself when you get back. Wife: Awww, why not? Me: I don’t want to do that (broken record) Wife: Well, ok. At least you said it nicely and didn’t give me one of your one word answers like you usually do. You usually just say No in a mean way. ========================================================= Example 4: DEERING – I think I may have talked too much – thoughts? ========================================================= Alarm goes off in morning. I am feeling groggy. Wife starts barraging me with questions. I wasn’t ready for it and spoke too much. Wife: Where were you last night – were you at that class? Me: Yes Wife: What class is that? You never told me what the class is about. Me: Improv Wife: What’s improv? Me: It’s a class to learn how to do comedy – like that show “whose line is it anyway” Wife: Really? Me: Yeah Wife: That sounds cool Me: Yeah, it’s really fun. I’m enjoying it. Wife: Why haven’t you told me about it? Me: silence / stfu Wife: I thought that you were doing something shady Me: silence / stfu (I should have said “I can see why you might think that” - but couldn’t remember to fog) Wife: What other things have you been up to that you are not telling me about? I heard you talking to that girl in your office on Saturday. Me: that’s my nutritionist Wife: Who is she? Me: Her name is sherry (she is hot, but I didn’t mention that part to my wife - probably should have found a way to work it in a funny way but didn't think of it) Wife: How do you know her? Me: We used to work together way back, and now she’s a nutritionist. Wife: So she’s helping you fix your diet and lose weight? Me: Yes Wife: What else aren’t you telling me Me: silence / stfu Wife: I love you ground hog (covert contract to get me to respond in kind) Me: "Great" (but I was thinking to myself but did NOT say: your words don’t mean shit...actions matter – and since your not fucking me anywhere close to enough, I don’t want to reciprocate. Also, you are acting out a covert contract, and I don’t actually feel loving so I am not going to lie anymore by saying it.) Anger report – my anger is still super fucking high. I have been channeling it into diet, exercise, and trying to stop DEERING, fogging, broken record etc. My anger is so high that I don’t feel like initiating with my wife. I did once this week and got shot down. I have been going around just doing my business, taking care of my shit, and only interacting with her around logistical issues. I have come to the conclusion that I am way too familiar to my wife. There is no mystery at all. Things got worse since the pandemic. We are both working from home and see each other all the time. I am looking for new fun things that I enjoy incorporating into my life and also get me out of the house. So far I have working out (including personal trainer), Cooking healthy meals (I make all my own meals now, and have a nutritionist whom I meet with every 2 weeks), and the improv class. I am also becoming an accomplished gardener. I think I am going to start working remotely from coffee shops once in a while to get out of the house, and also may start taking the dog to dog parks and running catch and release on dog owners. Thoughts?
Ground Hog Day
2024-03-13 23:30:04 +0000 UTCField report #8 Dropped down to 198. Was consist with my tracking and my workouts. 80% through Frame and finished chapter re-reads of WISNIFG, specifically the fogging section. Chores around the house are done on my timeline and on my schedule. Wife really doesn't nag me to do anything around the house because I am two steps ahead of her. This has been a shift over the years because I was usually the messier one leaving shit around but that is not the case anymore. As the kids have gotten older I have added them into the chore rotation and picking up after themselves. Went to a basketball game and got minor shit tests along the way. Before we left the toilet was clogged so worked to get that loose and figured out she has been flushing tampons again which clogs the toilet. Got pissed and told her to unclog it while I get the girls ready, she threw attitude at me but I ignored it and walked away. Didn't hide that I was upset. Before we walked out the door I hugged her tightly and kissed her intensely. Reset the vibe between us. Didn't think about it in the moment but on reflection is this what push and pull looks like? Old me would have been butthurt in the car and ignored her which would normally blow up into some bullshit argument. At the game got minor shit tests, blew them off by ignoring. I have been treating her emotional highs and lows as waves knowing they will pass and another will come along at some point. That night started with a handjob and told her to use her mouth, finished on her tits. Rest of the week I have been busy with work and getting shit done around the house so haven't paid much attention to her besides hanging out at night after the kids go to bed. This past week I had to think less about how to react and just naturally did it.
Amos_Durden
2024-03-13 19:47:42 +0000 UTC
