Patreon, R&P Q&A #257
Added 2024-02-07 23:12:51 +0000 UTC
Comments
Stripper, You make a lot of asshole assumptions. I do lift daily, I do read daily! I come here and post only my failures to get better. What actually helps is providing an alternate way of doing things not just shit talking a stranger.
ThatGuy
2024-02-09 00:35:37 +0000 UTC20 years ago: I spin plates (dated). One rose to the top naturally and remained around. -> Ltr. But this was in a pool of social circles that overlapped. Lots of foundation: life, school, jobs, watering holes, events that people saw each other at. No online apps…. Remote blind dating type of stuff the apps foster. Hope that helps
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-08 19:02:38 +0000 UTCIt's a complex situation. There are a lot of issues around his health care. Making it public sets the record straight for her family, her friends and for my kid in the future when he looks back to understand what occurred. Yes, they have made a claim, but her lawyer hasn't been aggressive about going to court. If I make claims about her parenting, it will complicate their case because I'll be calling her competence into question. They'll need to bring a psychologist to evaluate her mental health. I'd be asking the judge for a simple order that I be consulted and informed on all health care decisions.
Dave
2024-02-08 19:01:06 +0000 UTC3 buckets. You, family, her. And a 4th: Emegency and retirement Scorched earth. Let the fridge go empty.
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-08 18:58:27 +0000 UTCGo read NMMNG and WISNIFG. Read them on repeat until you internalise them. Lift. You are going to kill it if you get the basics down. Do them first then your ready to take care of the family.
will zill
2024-02-08 18:57:16 +0000 UTCCurious: what is healthcare alienating? How does making this public work? I understand dirty boxing (legally). Doesn’t her lawyer just need to push this to court where they then split assets. When you dirty box… how is this stopping that?
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-08 18:56:05 +0000 UTCAn LTR with a lawyer sounds like hell to me. They're professional trained to argue, but not emotionally equipped to use it in their personal lives. I think frame wins out, but god damn, that's playing on hard mode.
Dave
2024-02-08 18:53:29 +0000 UTC@Stripper, actually that additional factor adds to my confusion. I can always mail-order a bride from India within 2 weeks. But most friends I know who have gone the arranged marriage route have told me of unhappy marriages. IMO, arranged marriages only work if there's social pressure on the girl to behave and perform her "wifely" duties by her mom and other family members. These days with feminism spreading in India we have this clusterfuck where men are expected to marry a woman after getting a job (beta provider) while women are given more freedoms (more liberal than your neighbors phenomenon) and no/less accountability. So arranged marriage is definitely not a great deal for us Indian men these days
Ban Mido
2024-02-08 18:52:31 +0000 UTCI am going to tie this in to my fn: the fun bus. Maybe you reject this idea but this is where my head would be when I hear things like: “we dont do anything…” Which happens in my marriage as well. I would ask myself: do I have a fun bus.? Is she rejecting it? -Does not want to get on. If so that is her problem. If I don’t have a fun bus: do cool stuff, have a great vibe, atmosphere around me, cool (and not so cool 😎 😂 friends) “We do do anything…” Me: going to an awsome indi magic(or improv, bowling, movie festival, carnival, dnd game). Welcome to join…. (If you want her to).
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-08 18:48:45 +0000 UTCGood insights but general. Get specific. Get more current…. What happened last month with finances… covert contracts. Learn ooda and report.
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-08 18:36:56 +0000 UTCWise man ignoring her texts. You misinterpreted Rian. What he meant is that guys will settle down with a girl that hasn’t earned her exclusivity just because their tired of spinning plates. Ain’t nothing wrong with spinning plates and then choosing one that hasn’t given you a reason to ditch her for a year.
Owning My Shit
2024-02-08 18:36:37 +0000 UTCTwo full time careers with three kids is brutal. Her being a lawyer: on face value (not knowing nuances- details) she is a man. You never win an argument because she is a lawyer…. 😆. Nobody ever wins arguments. Especially with women. The are emotional being. Even lawyers. Build your life, she gets to decide if she wants to be apart of it. Start saving for a new house…. Find a lawyer… Get a close group of male friends. Be atractive…
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-08 18:34:32 +0000 UTC@opsec. I have been working on being my point of origin. Let’s call it the fun bus. People can get on or off but the bus has a rout. But your statements do cross my mind. Am I a dancing monkey? I always ask myself: is this what I want to do right now… if not, then it is dancing monkey. But yes… moving in the direction , you stated (next level … no dancing monkey) Is on my radar. Somtimes I think being married is all a dancing monkey program. Playing house… Ty
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-08 18:20:39 +0000 UTCFR: * Plate2 (23y/HB5) came back; she texted on Sat asking if she could come over if I'm not busy. I had another date so told her to come over on Sunday. Saturday night she texted me some screenshot of her inviting a guy over, getting turned-off by his sweat while having sex and kicking him out. She was texting her friend how "Ban smells better and doesn't sweat during sex". I was weirded out by her sharing all this to me and ignored her texts. On Sunday morning, she texted saying she won't be able to come over because she still felt bad about yesterday night. I ignored the previous texts and told her she might feel better after watching a movie with me. That caught her interest and she came over. We netflixed, smashed, and I sent her home later. * She never brought up the topic of exclusivity again. Guess she tried dating around and decided I'm as good as she got for now * I'm seeing the power of being "aloof"; not "acting aloof" but geniunely not giving a shit. I wish I could capture this feeling into a recipe that I could follow all the time * I realized the biggest factor that's making it easy for me spin these 2 plates is I'm not attracted to them physically. I'm naturally aloof, indifferent and mysterious because I don't care if they leave. It's going to be a real good challenge to be be this way with a girl I'm attracted to Thoughts/questions: * Is there a way I can "design"/"plan" my life, with a family and kids, using RP tools? I don't care about any particular woman but any reasonably decent woman who wants kids and is differential to me. Are there any FRs of guys who went from spinning plates to a wife/LTR with kids? * "Guys who settle down because they're tired of gaming girls end up with a lot of problems down the road" -> I can see how marrying just any girl can bring unnecessary problems. But I'm thinking of spinning 2-3 HB6s that I share some common values with and then choose one to enter into an LTR with. Seems like a reasonable solution to my particular problem (being Indian, I have additional pressure to settle down) * Also an additional factor in my situation; if I want to choose for an Indian girl from the same community as myself, I'll need to accept a long-distance relationship as us Indians are spread out across US. It just adds to the problem I have
Ban Mido
2024-02-08 17:56:54 +0000 UTCField Report, February 4th, 2024. We got into a little argument today about her spending her money on groceries. I gave her $700 a few days ago for groceries and there's some things that are still left on the list because she ran out of money. She recently got a part-time job and initially she said that one of the reasons she got the job was to help with groceries and stuff like that when we need to and be in between paychecks. But apparently she's changed her mind on that. Evidently she's saving for something that she's not really telling me or for some other reason that she's not willing to disclose. So she got really frustrated because I told her, I implied that she should be buying the milk. There's like milk and a bunch of other stuff left on the list. Me: Hey, did you get paid yet? Her: No. Me: Okay, but you get paid on Monday, right? Her: Yeah, but I don't want to spend my whole paycheck on groceries. Me: Okay, but you get paid weekly, right? Her: Yeah, but like, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to spend, it's ridiculous to ask me to spend my paycheck on buying milk. She literally said that. And I didn't really know what to say because it was like self-evident how stupid that fucking statement was in the moment. So I just let it sit there and I didn't say anything. I don't know if she realized how stupid she was or if she thinks I was quiet because she's right. So there's that. Also after that part, she's like, well, you get to do whatever you want with your money. I was like, are you serious? We just sat down and we did bills together not that long ago.(Because she wanted me to show her what is coming in going out.) I showed you everything. 90% of my income goes towards paying for everything. And then she's like, yeah, but that's what you're supposed to do. I think I said what are you supposed to do with your money and she just gave me a weird look. Anyway, right after that, I looked at my daughter and I said, just so you know, when you're a teenager and you get your first job, you're going to be expected to contribute to the house. You're going to be expected if you have a car to pay for your car bill, if you need gas to pay for your gas, if you have a cell phone to pay for your cell phone. I think everybody got the point, but that's it. That's the field report.
ThatGuy
2024-02-08 17:45:16 +0000 UTCWorkout – I went away to Mexico for a week with my girl and I’m getting back into the routine. Right now, it’s three days weights, three days running, yoga once a week and maybe a mountain bike if I can squeeze it in. I’m going to lower my lifts for the next few months because I’m focussed on running. Vacation with Girl – I took her with me to Mexico City for a week. We had a good trip. I demonstrated lots of displays of higher value. For example, I navigated the City and language barrier without any anxiety and showing confidence. There was very little, "should we do this" and more, "this is what we're doing". I joked with a cute girl in an airport lineup in San Francisco and got a laugh and a smile from her. My girl got protective and moved her body closer to mine after I did that. Divorce – I’ve been working on my counterclaim with my lawyer. I have a decision point as to what extent I push back on her parental alienation and her inability to make effective health care decisions for our son, from which she’s alienated me. The positive of making this a dirty fight is that it will put her on the defensive and the negative is it makes the whole situation that much more litigious. But that can also increase her desire to reach a settlement. My lawyer doesn’t have a position either way yet. If she wants to fight that out in court, I think a judge would throw me a bone on the health care alienation, but he’s already 16 and by the time it’s settled, he’s more or less an adult, so in effect, that’s hardly a win. There would be no monetary benefit from such a decision. The positive is I get to set history straight in the public record, under legal scrutiny. In the short run, it’s mostly posturing for negotiation, but the public record has value to me… is it worth $400k to get there? I don’t know. The downside of this dragging this out is my net worth and income keeps going up. I intentionally have dragged out the legal stuff to this point and that was a negotiation tactic and posturing. If they think I’m not concerned about timing, they’re not going to use it against me. Rather, they’re more likely to act quickly, which is in my interest. So I think I’ve set the table well in that respect. The biggest issue for me is ultimately retirement age. I’m 48 and it’s not reasonable for me to keep the pedal to the metal for another 17 years the way I have been. But that’s how the court sees it. They assume you can earn at your highest potential salary until you’re 65. I’ll likely cash out in 10 years and work for another 12… more or less retire from my current life at 60. That said, her side should realize that businesses are boom and bust. I could be broke at 60 too. I’ve almost blown it all up before in a spectacular way. Maybe the solution will be a lump sum and we wash our hands of it all. Quick addition... her lawyer and my lawyer spoke for 10 minutes and he felt she wants to settle and reach an agreement.
Dave
2024-02-08 16:40:35 +0000 UTCWhenever I find myself annoyed with my wife for whatever reason, I go focus elsewhere, and then she finds me and wants to fuck me. This sort of reactive cycle is unnecessary when the message is clear. Act like your time is valuable. She complained we don’t do stuff together. I suggest a movie. Later, I figure I’ll try scheduling sex the way she does. “After I’m done with this shit, let’s have sex, then we can watch a movie”. “Are you telling me or asking me?”. “I’m asking”. Sex was meh. So I won’t be trying to schedule it. I’ll just grab her. Just because it works for her doesn’t mean it works for me. I gamed, fucked and spend time. She wanted more time together, I made sure it happened. Not really 2/3rds rule, result was meh. The next day we are both busy. She sends me a text every once in a while. For every two that I get, I send back an emoji. I hate her just a little bit. An excellent fuck follows. I’ve been getting more comfort tests. Sometimes it will be a shitty version, I tease, before I get a better version.
Op Sec
2024-02-08 15:42:57 +0000 UTCKeep it up. Short, boring, focused on your actions.
Owning My Shit
2024-02-08 15:15:37 +0000 UTCField Report II It was a Sunday Afternoon. A friend of mine is head of marketing for a bunch of clubs. We were to go to the club, take photos for social media, have some free drinks and food. We also invited a neighbour of ours, two huns. Kinda thought it was a bad idea inviting them because the huns don’t have a job (two huns) and we have been entertaining them for a while without getting anything in return. Been having them over only for drinks twice now. But we reached the club, greeted the bar tenders and the manager. Had some food. The girls also had some food. Casual conversations. The one I was with didn’t seem to talk to much. They seemed relaxed. We hanged out till the evening. Something changed. My neighbour, walked over to a couple of tables asking them if we can join tables. In his opinion, it’s like the girls we were with were boring or something. We ended up joining tables with some three other huns. One of the huns left after she puked her guts out. Lol. The whole situation changed. We started dancing with them, grinding and twerking. All over a sudden the huns we came with, started warming up. They also started dancing, rubbing their tirres on me. Sort of also trying to get our attention. I remember dancing with the new girl and feeling guilty about it (but I was like wtf, we got an uber to the club with this huns, got them food and drinks courtesy of a free tab the marketing guy had). F them. Also asked myself what Rian would do. And I decided not to give a shit. Reached a point the marketing guy wanted to leave. At first I remember I didn’t want to smash the girl, but later on something changed, I got the psyke to smash the new girl I was with. But at that time she had too much to drink and started falling all over the club. I decided to get her number since if I was to go with her and she was overly drunk it would be a case. I remember she became pissed about that. For sure she was DTF the way she was behaving. The neighbour huns, they still wanted to party, so they stayed with the new girls. But they told us “keep your phones on so that in case we get stuck we can call you and you guys can get us an uber”. Didn’t hit me at the moment but later on I saw this was some BS. Made sure my phone was off We went home. Next morning, tried to reach out to the girl but the calls were not going through. We texted but the texts were dry af. Need more huns…
Ghiaccio
2024-02-08 15:14:13 +0000 UTCField report I: Easy smash? It was a Friday evening. I was at my desk coding. Also a bit thirsty. There is this hun I smashed last year so I hit her up. The last time she sent a dm was like October last year. I chatted with her on text, acted as if she texted me last week after ignoring her texts for months. I broke the jumbotron rule a couple of times by trying to flirt over text though. She was pushing for me to come up with a plan. I hesitated a bit. She said she had a friend. But finally I said “let’s go to brew bistro or orchid lounge” We decided to go to orchid lounge. I prepared myself and we met there. She came with a friend. She wanted me to also come with a friend. Knowing her, I knew she would come with some beat up friend ( a friend no one would brag they slept with) so I didn’t invite my neighbour to tag along. Basically she was all over me. I didn’t have to do anything. She was grinding on me, I was grabbing her tirres. It was a club but the dancing was a bit too explicit. She kept complementing me. I could’t hear half of what she was saying . The only thing that was running through my head was “don’t scare the hoes away (don’t be unnatractive)”. At the end of it we smashed. And then we woke up the next day and we smashed again. The cd (condom) kept sleeping off, not sure what was with that. She wanted me to do this boob thing “it’s from Stirling cooper, something about how to fondle tirres” And the complements didn’t stop. Oh you are going to be a millionaire, oh your house is cool. Good thing she had something to do the next day. For some reason I feel drained after having a girl over. Reflections: Weird how I didn’t need to do anything. The only thing I needed do is not scare her away. Not being unattractive. I don’t think I am there yet, but some huns think too highly of me. “I have tried not to dissuade them form that.” But I am still not there yet (I’m not where I want to be in terms of physical fitness, wealth) I think the flirting over text was a buffer. Like flirting with her over text vs meeting with her and doing it live… I tend to think I am more comfortable over text vs real life There are huns I took them out for like a small lunch “I’m breaking the dinner dates are for chumps here” vs this hun where we just went to the club and there was that sexual tension and end up smashing. I think I haven’t quite fine tuned or nailed my logistics.
Ghiaccio
2024-02-08 15:13:37 +0000 UTCFinished praxeology Dread and started reading WISNIFG. Been sticking to my workout schedule and getting more sleep. Couple instances where I enforced a boundary with my wife and she complied. Realized I’m still Recovering from a covert contract with my religion. I assumed if I believed in God and was a “perfect Christian” that I would have a problem free life, free from any adversity. I wouldn’t have to do much because God would provide. Now I realize a lot of this created the supplicative nice guy behaviors I’m shedding Slowly fixing our financial situation. It’s worse than I thought, but still can be reversed and fixed. Looking over all the purchases it’s clear how many times I was manipulated into negotiating things for sex and my lack of boundary enforcement. Likely stems from being afraid of saying no and previously being uncomfortable with my wife being mad at me.
Alligator_Snapping_Turtle
2024-02-08 14:46:20 +0000 UTCI have planned to chat to divorce lawyer to see what’s ahead. I have ordered new bunkbeds for the toddler to share a room with her sister and she will be moving. Your right my wife is latching onto this baby for love and validation and as a results this child has bad separation anxiety. I have let this happen by not speaking up but I am going to take ownership of this, even tough my wife will resist.
All_Talk_No_Action
2024-02-08 13:39:38 +0000 UTCYou have an over abundance of tips and tricks on dealing with your wife. If this was just about needing more amused mastery you would be done. "Everybody is happy and still talking". Is that your goal, a happy wife? It's time to start moving to the next level.
Op Sec
2024-02-08 12:49:45 +0000 UTCYou didn’t lose frame. You had no frame, and you still don’t. Do you even lift bro?
Owning My Shit
2024-02-08 11:52:31 +0000 UTCHow have the workouts been? Have you haver done catch and release?
Owning My Shit
2024-02-08 11:50:47 +0000 UTCWasted 5 years, for fuck sake. Just finished your book Dread and I was doing it all wrong, years ago. It was a revenge fantasy to win her back but I was basically hamstering in my mind all the time, I was in her frame. 5 years ago when I was 40 I had decided that my two kids, were now in school and that I would spend my time focusing on myself. Things got shit at home, fights got worse, sex dried up but to be honest I was happier as I was busy doing shit I liked. Covid happen, she wanted a 3rd child, we were on lockdown, fights got worse and I had no escape, she said she was losing me and a baby would fix our marriage. I knew it wouldn’t but I gave in and had another kid, to get her shut up, I was still in her frame. So I’m 45 year this year, baby no 3 is turning 3 this year, and will be starting school this year. Wife is 42, still breastfeeding (doesn’t want her tits to shrink) and baby is still in bed (wife loves the snuggles), the baby was used as a massive excuse for her to avoid having sex, regain control of my free time and to pin me down again. I stopped all social activities, to once again to become Superdad and set myself on fire to keep everyone warm, what a dick I was. Work: I am a Trained chef, always stuck away in the kitchen, not making great money so I took a job managing a 5 star restaurant 9 months ago and I have shares in business. It’s going great. I go to work dressed smart and my social skills are getting better everyday. I manage about 30 staff. Girls half my age are making sexually advances towards at work which is great for the ego but I am not dumb enough to act on it and nuke my marriage and job, but its good to know that I still have a bit of SMV. I get a lot of rich married women who come for lunch and I practise rapport with them. I found it hard at the start but I don’t get nervous chatting to good looking woman anymore. Wife gets anxious when we I go on staff nights out but I don’t try and soften her anxiety. In the past I would have stayed at home to stop her stressing out. Fitness: I have always lifted and a qualified nutritionist. I put on a bit of weight last year and was getting injured when lifting heavy a bit so I have started doing intermitting fasting, tracking calories and changed my training to short 30 min workouts using bodyweights, kettle bells and dumbbells. I have gotten lean and muscular and feel great. Of course Wife wants to workout more now but wants me to free up some of my time for her to train. She hates her body and says she might feel more sexually if she got space to train. She has a great body and she knows it. I told her to get out if bed earlier in the morning if she wants to train before kids wake, that’s what I do. Sex: (need advice here) Starfish, acts like a sex doll. Fucked last week and I didn’t come as it was boring so I stopped and she said “ You obviously wanked before sex”. I hadn’t but said nothing. Next time we fucked I pulled out and came on her tits, she wanted know to know why I did that. I said “variety is the spice of life” Got her tissue to clean herself she said “I don’t need much tissue as there is only a drop, you must be getting old” I replied “didn’t know you liked to be covered in gallons of come” Fucked again yesterday, I put her legs on my shoulders, held down her wrists, fucked her like a sex doll as I was close to coming she ripped her hands away from me and put her legs down into starfish, I came, she rolled over and acted like a rape victim. Kissing, oral, fingers, different positions, are all of the table according to her. Its obvious what’s going on. Her actions are saying the following “ I know you need sex and I won’t say no but I am going to make it as bland as possible so you might just stop asking and fuck off” At this stage I am aware that I am only looking to fuck her to calm my hamster down and get validation. Probably just going to stop looking for it for a while. Not sure what to do here. Fights: She is a lawyer, never have I won a fight, agree and amplify drives her crazy, I only ever truly win when I don’t engage. The more I speak the more I hang myself. STFU with a big smile is a super power. At bank last week to set up kids saving account, we had wrong paper work, no big deal but the wife decided to lash into me about the paperwork. I used agree and amplify such as: Her “ you should have know that the paperwork was wrong” Me “ speaking of paper I think we need to get toilet paper on the way home” anyway my answers got smarter, she wouldn’t drop it so we got into car and I decided that I had enough so I just told her to shut the fuck up. First time every saying that to her in 25 years. The argument became about my tone of voice then and I just adopted broken record saying “if you don’t want me to shout at you then don’t piss me off” She kept looking for an apology and I just keep giving her a bewildered look, dropped her home and then went to the gym. Next day she seemed in better form and never mentioned it again. Time, attention, affection, boundaries: I have stopped giving free backrubs, I will give her maybe two free ones during the week and when she asks for No 3 I ask her for a blowjob in return and she never gives it but if she wants me to rub her she can take care of me. I don’t accommodate her poor time management anymore, she took on a PhD also while pregnant which I said was madness but she has a great frame and said fuck you im doing it, but im done changing my hours to fix her schedule. When the baby starts playschool I am taking up all the old activities again and will make my self scare. Shitty behaviour will be called out straight away. I do all the cooking at home and would usually cook her a fresh meal if she wasn't eating when kids are, as she teaches online upstairs in home office during the week. I will cook one dinner and she can reheat it, this will drive her crazy but I am sick and tired of being a fool and taken for granted. Go Plan: Marriage is fucked, we are together for kids and financial reasons. I can see us separating to be honest. I will apply Dread to get out of her frame, stop being co dependent, protect my future and stop trying to keep marriage alive. She can get her PhD, on her time, get more money and that will benefit in the divorce if it come to that. I will act as if she is dead. Things will get a lot worse and they might never get better, I feel like a captain that married a husband and we are both miserable. I am happier when she is not around at the moment, just need to shed the guilt of a failed marriage as I feel I have let my kids down, but at the moment I am just raising my son to be a defective woman like me. So I will commit to turning up here, get feedback, work with a great sparing partner and hopefully not pass on this bullshit to my kids. I know I’ll get honest feedback here and it will probably hurt but it’s necessary.
All_Talk_No_Action
2024-02-08 11:19:25 +0000 UTC257 Had a double smash session on the weekend, followed by a few nights of shitty sleep due to the kids. Their disruptions wreak havoc on our sleep. We hit a few days of stalemate, dealing with emotions and cuntiness. I found ways to lighten the mood. For instance, one night, I closed the door on my wife, and she lost it because she wanted the door open. The next morning, when she was in a better mood, I slowly nudged the door closed with a big smirk, teasing her about it. Similarly, another night, I switched on a light when she was in the kitchen in the dark, and she lost it again. She was spiraling. Fuks me why, but i had a laugh. But the next day, I turned it around and teased and hung shit on her about it. We broke the few-day drought with a lunchtime smash. Interestingly, it seems I’ve trained her to prefer cumming on her ass now. After I got her off, I pulled out to get head and she mentioned, “I thought you wanted to cum on my ass.” So I obligatorily dumped a load all over her ass. There has been some flip-flopping about her putting the kid into daycare and also about her going back to work. I’m not pushing her but gently nudging/guiding her towards it. Me: “Yes, the kid will be fine in daycare, it will be good for her” - and of course, after two days, Her: “she’s doing soo well at the daycare this week” (it’s only short days for her initially). Regarding her work, she’s asking if she should reach out to past colleagues or work to seek employment - I just say I think that it would be a good idea to get the ball rolling in that direction, and it can’t hurt to begin conversations.
Fez
2024-02-08 11:15:40 +0000 UTCHave you looked for a second opinion (catch and optionally release)? If you’re fuckable, then you might have reached the point where you look at your fat wife seating on the couch eating bun buns and you think “what the fuck is she doing here”. You have a hard decision in front of you. But if you’re still seeking validation from her maybe you just realized you’re on the 2 year self-improvement plan. Are you really doing this for you? If your wife hated you for it, would you still do it?
Owning My Shit
2024-02-08 11:09:47 +0000 UTCabout 2 years in. im look good naked, i dress well, i have comunication skills. i have really stopped putting in any effort toward her. her behaviour is getting worse. there has been more swaring infront of the kids. When i say we dont sware in front of the kids, she wil loudly say "i will do what i want to im an adult." when i attempt in he past few to tell her how good parents shpuld behave infront of the kids i am met with the hositlity of a teenager. no surprise, but i am met with extreme defensicveness and a complete lack of anything resembling a team. writing is pn the wall, sex is lessening ech month, no surprsise with the lack of intimacy, but i am hating her too much to care. ill try fuck her tonight and make sure i do one of the two strats, becuse even 2 years in i still have not done either. the sex waa the last bit of valdation i got or wanted from her but now i dont even want that. its a good thing i think. pretty sure the validation seeking from her is gone. with a plate that now fell a few weeks ago and damn the verbal validation felt like a drug. dont know if that is something to be cautious of or not. I do think that i have loose and flappable boundaries. she knows them but i do not enforce them strongly at all. still have a lot of guilt about the thought of leaving,. i am coming around but it is a real struggle for me .
moby dick
2024-02-08 10:13:01 +0000 UTCYes, everybody was on the fun bus. Dragged them all kicking and screaming to a good morning! 😝
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-08 06:29:37 +0000 UTCBuying a car without talking is pretty hardcore scorched earth. Def contact a lawyer about child support and preparations.
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-08 06:28:34 +0000 UTCI would think of losing the shark week app. You are still a function of her… your life reacts to her. Do you regardless of her period. You are just breaking the surface of covert contracts. Keep observing… ooda…. And writing. You will see how deep this contracts and nice guy bitterness goes over the next 6-12 months.
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-08 06:22:01 +0000 UTClooks like you have gone a long way, from things that would end in fights that last days to having her in your frame. Seems like you handled it well. From what I have learned, girls don't like having a bad reputation either so she probably didn't want to look like a jerk either. You had spinster in your frame as well.
Palea
2024-02-08 05:19:46 +0000 UTCI am 36. Girl from work I haven't seen in a while. I work at a place that has at least 1500 people and she moves around. Scorched earth continues. I am constantly engaged with the kids, and take care of a lot at home. Wife is supportive as far as finances goes, but as of now that is mostly it. I should mention I am not legally married, but have been together about 11 or 12 years. No common law here either. I have been looking around for places and calculating finances to gauge what I can afford for the next 2 years in case shit goes sideways. School is full time, so I am taking a hit financially, but quitting school is not an option. I wouldn't be seeing my kids as much in this situation either, but I have accepted that, and I did realize I was having oneitis more for my kids than my wife. As for what I want...to eliminate codependence. I can feel myself detaching now. Things aren't bothering me as much as they use to. I created a plan on how I will sustain myself and my goals. I don't want to be taken for granted anymore.
Palea
2024-02-08 05:05:07 +0000 UTC46 Wife is anxious and throws grenades, Wife throws grenades Spinster friend was in town staying with us. Past notes: I built and launched spinsters store and was called a notzi. My wife and her went to a wholesale convention in a different state. The morning they set to leave my wife machine guns shit (tests) at me. I label it as her dealing with big emotions before a trip. In the past the spinster and wife have ganged up on me. (we lived with spinster in the past.) Her: “You ate my burrito.” (I did not deer and tell her she offered it to me) Me: “Your fault. Lol” Her: “it’s your fault…” Me: “You should not of married a professional burrito thief.” I keep rifting, Lol… “oceans 11 up in here.” kid joins in laughing. “Dad is also a floss thief!” (Floss dispensers mysteriously move between bathrooms.) Me: “You can’t leave half a burrito at the front of the fridge and expect it all to be there in the morning! Do you leave your keys in your car?” Spinster from the other room: “He has a point!” Wife joins the frame and jokes around… She nags me about other stuff, and I A/amplify, fog, laugh and have fun with the kid. She then orders me, “put this box in my studio.” I pause. The tone changes. I look at her with a raised eyebrow and hold the silence for 5 seconds. I say, “Please?” (subtext: your being a fucking bitch. MM: bratty kid that has crossed a boundary.) She changes her bitchy dispositions and starts treating me nicely. I reward her for being nice and bringing the good vibes back. They go on their trip and everybody is happy and still talking. Notes: -A year ago, this would of turned into a fight. I would have deered about the burrito and everything else… It would have ended with us not talking for a few days. 100(0)s’ of examples in the past of silent car and plane trips. -I have been so consistent with this situation (mm: dog and bread) that my wife already knows how this is going to play out. She can choose to join the fun bus or indulge in her big emotions on her own. -Spinster (and kid) buying into my frame became a flex on spinster. “Look, my husband is not a push over for my shit.”
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-08 04:47:18 +0000 UTCI am enjoying the silent treatment more now. It's been about 3 weeks, the first week or two was rough, this is the longest I have gone without trying to "fix" anything. I have been doing my thing. Went to a bar by myself, which I haven't even gone to a bar in a long time. I made a couple of friends, one was in the marines and the other in the army. I have just been doing my best to socialize and getting rid of that anxiety and awkwardness. I tried initiating with the wife again, I got home early from school and she is laying in bed. I start teasing her and she smiled, I tried getting on top of her but she pushed me away, I tried pushing through but it was a hard no. I am told how nothing concerns me anymore, and I smile and fog. "yea, I can see why you would think that." I then just go make something to eat and get lost the rest of the day. The same night the wife tried getting my daughter to sleep in the bed again, I handled it the same way I did last time. I told my daughter we will race to see who falls asleep faster but she has to sleep in her own bed. She loves the game and goes to hop on her own bed. The wife begins to nag again about how am undermining her parenting and she does this in front of my daughter. I just tell her, "we don't do this in front of the kids'" and I shut the door while she is mid sentence of whatever she was saying I have been searching for cars online and lined up a couple of cars to go look at this weekend. I will be doing this alone and if either of those cars workout, I will just buy it. If not, I will keep looking until I find something I like and is suitable. School, kids, work, and workouts were hectic the first couple of weeks of nursing school. I managed to get a routine flowing and it is working out nicely. I started deadlifting again. In my first field report I mentioned I stopped deadlifting due to a back injury. Today I did hex bar deadlifts. It feels better then when I use to do conventional. Too my surprise, I was able to do 3 sets of 4 at 385lbs. My max before was about 425, so I am not far off from my max, granted I am doing Hex bar now. I will keep pushing through by beginning a 5 x 5 routine next week until I can top my max.
Palea
2024-02-08 03:44:45 +0000 UTCField Report #3 Fitness Weighed in at 201 this past week. Consistent with my routine this week, seeing results in weight loss through tracking app. Downloaded a routine tracker called Strong and started tracking reps and weight each workout. Relationship Tried a different approach this week when coming home from work and put my phone on the charger to be present with my kids for the few hours we have before bedtime. Reflected through the week on how much I was giving selective attention and presence to the moment. I found myself being more playful and in a happier mood by framing my return home as engagement with the kids and playing with the wife to set the tone how I wanted it to be. Wife was in her week three of her cycle which means she is generally bitchier. I use a tracker app to give me a heads up when week three is coming. I found myself ignoring her baiting me into a disagreement and just ignored the shitty attitude instead of acknowledging it was there. A focus this week was also recognizing the covert contract I had with sex and take action to kill it. Ending the scheduled sex has been good because it has allowed me to actually focus on playing with her throughout the day by joking, negging and using physical touch without a preplaned manipulated outcome. Both times we smashed this week I did not have a mapped out plan, just escalated through the day and if it happened, it happened. Both times I escalated she was receptive and sex was more playful than a script of “its Thursday so its sex day”. The weekend we went to a kids birthday party and I was the only other dad there besides the dad of the birthday boy. Again, a shift from old me, I didn’t follow my wife around like a puppy, I engaged the other moms in casual chats and joking, hung out with the dad and talked guns and golf. Planned a golf outing a few weeks with a few other dads. She had a girls dinner at a girlfriends house that night so I invited a few husbands over for drinks and hanging out. Made plans for a recurring trip to the gun range with a few of them. Sunday I knocked some house projects off my list, did the taxes while the kids were watching TV in the office. Seeing my wife not lift a finger around the house the entire day would have normally stirred up a lot of anger but I didn’t have anger this time, more what felt like disappointment in the lazy person she has become and frustration with myself that I let it get to this. Still some form of anger but internal on me instead of anger outward to her. I didn’t give her much attention during the day and kept to myself or the kids. Didn’t go out of my way to do things for her this wee. I I would have been fine going to bed but she initiated when we got back to the bedroom and we had sex. Rian’s comments about manipulation in the last video stuck with me so I reflected this week on how I have tried to manipulate others, especially my wife to get what I thought I wanted. Caught myself a few times this week trying to manipulate the situation to try to get an outcome and instead just let it. Seeing how much I have tried to manipulate to try and have no problems. Been uncomfortable this week with the actions I have taken. Discomfort in the moment for sure but I know discomfort is progress.
Amos_Durden
2024-02-08 03:15:03 +0000 UTC
