Saunacon and more - Mar 25

I promised to make more frequent updates but found myself in a liquid stage with a lot of stuff happening in parallel.

I have begun or aim to begin as time allows, right now:
- Education in basics of Equestrianism (care-taking, etc)

- digital printing at home

- first steps into BDSM???
- social broadening and deepening

- reintegration into my work

- painting in oil/gouache, linocutting/printing, preference for analogue over digital

- continuing acceptance of and involvement in chronic insomnia

- more gardening
- exercise
- art school application (rejected)
- first babysteps into social responsibility
- VRChat
- first babysteps into fursuit making

Currently it looks like there is a lot of external stuff happening!

Working on art has been enjoyable, I am staying away from commissions for only a few more weeks. Savouring the enjoyment was also at the forefront of a few trials: Nordic Fuzzcon and my art school application. Both can trigger different negative emotions. Even though I was rejected from art school, I didn’t really feel all that affected.

When it came to the convention, I have to admit that it was a lot - not art-wise, which was pretty ok, but emotionally. Not only was I sleep-deprived, I was also stepping away from social situations at roughly 10 to 11 in the evening. This meant that I was unable to participate in a lot of things that were happening very close by, while physically feeling worse and worse as time wore on.

In the Dealer’s Den, caffeine enabled me to have four conversations at the same time while standing for 7h straight each day. Besides running the salesperson protocol, I volunteered to push out two types of zines; one for Packmates Mutual Aid, one for CovidSafeFurs. I also handed out CovidSafeFurs stickers, masks and tests for free. This required constant energy investment, because passiveness doesn’t work in that environment. I came up with the idea to train up a few assistants before the next con so I can take a step away from time to time.

Socially, NFC was more extroverted than other cons so far have been! Even on my way there, I tended to two friendships to Tischotter and Vali, whom I visited on my way north. Even on our train, I started talking to strangers. Once in Malmö, I tried my best to follow my resolve to be more outgoing and ended up organizing some special meets. My friends had a sauna and gym in their hotel and boy did I take advantage. We were always alone, and in the end there must have been 11 different visitors there over four separate visits, with a few repeat customers. Two of those people I honestly never expected to meet irl; Wyrm and Trance. Further, an old friend from years ago simply showed up and we reconnected wholesomely - Danero. I went topless to the AD dance event, my first ever dance. One of my sauna tag-alongs was Carbon, whose partner Multum/Redishdragie let me wear their suit head. It’s got a fan in it, and I can confirm that it’s technically possible to draw while wearing it. It would have been the first one I ever wore if it hadn’t been for the very considerate Sho/Scrimsh4w/KillingTea, who left the very first suit head I ever got to try on in our shared hotel room on the morning of his departure. Thus it fell on me to organize its shipment before my own bus whisked me away, which was a lovely way to use up a morning which would otherwise have been drab after such an abrupt goodbye from many of my friends the night before.

This goodbye was part of the negative side of my social experience at NFC, which was mostly about having to say goodbye abruptly every night. Of course I am immensely grateful for being able to go at all, but it can feel odd not to have the same amount of social time that other people take for granted in how they structure their time with or without me, which can make me feel a bit left behind. Especially on the Dealer’s Den days, I was essentially just working - it took everything I had to keep it straight. After it was done, friends wanted to see the Shibari panel, which meant I would have had to lug around my trunk to an overfilled panel, then an overfilled restaurant. I ran off to my room to cry and meditate, even pray not to be nasty to my friends, had a lonely dinner and a long deep talk with my friends Draak and Pheel, who became confidants to my darkest moments then: That no matter how hard I might try to be good, none of it made me feel remotely hopeful. But this was still only a confirmation of what I already knew: I really am alone. In sickness and in health. And all the negativity, the almost unbearable envy, disappointment, pretense, are my own responsibility, and the result of false expectations. One evening, Pheel, Draak and me had tried to volunteer for the con, but it ended up pretty much a waste of time that I could have put in more productively - it was my perceived need to stick around my close friends that prevented me from deciding on a different quest more than once. My insecurity. Returning to the aforementioned “last goodbye” of the final night, the story goes that I tried to get people to come to the dance with me three times without reply. I wasn’t very insistent. I could also just have grabbed just one, or gone alone - but instead I gave up and waited for them to leave. Then I simply split off as they did. Yes, I was sleep-deprived. But I was still conscious. Same goes for other occasions during the con: If I had been more proactive, I could have had more, but I was not asking much for help, and one might even say that this is almost as immature as not wanting to give it.

Beyond the con, I also walked in my first protest and shouted antifascist slogans, entered into the Left party and will attend queer-organized meetings. This is still an expensive undertaking for me. You might remember me whining about being alone even if I try not to be. Still, I wouldn’t give it up. While I’m mostly doing it because it’s right and not because I already enjoy it or even expect to, it will get me in touch with people who have been through stuff and who have found something in collective utility, and I want those in my life on principle. It’s still to do with Self-actualization, but the Self includes a lot more than the ego. ‘To be whole is to be part,’ essentially. Outside of this relational aspect, I’ve been suffering from a lack of Doing, and an excess of planning, and the energy needs to flow, though I can’t expect that to fix me either. I don’t desire to expect or plan, period. I desire to be in the now, doing simple things that someone probably ought to do.

Oh also yeah, I applied for art school and got rejected. Fuck me I guess! The cool kids have decided to sip their white wine without me this year. I’ll ask them for an evaluation sometime. I made the application on the night before I had to leave for NFC because I wanted to include prints of my most recent linocuts, so I was writing my application letter at 3:30 after finishing all that prep and pack work - at least, as you might see in one of the photos, my packing was immaculate. The form demanded of me to write a letter containing my “Reasoning for the desire to study,” and after some sound argumentation my letter just concluded with, “but honestly, I can’t claim to know why I want this, the road is too clear.” And if that’s weird, yeah, maybe it is. Here’s something else. I have no productive conclusion to this update. Shit’s just happening, that’s it.

Oh and one more thing, the doctor who evaluated me monday this week did confirm that my insomnia is quite serious and was being pretty supportive. My expectation was honestly pessimistic so that’s cool! I anticipated that an insurance wouldn’t consider psychoanalysis for insomnia, but apparently they might! Plus, sleep lab and psychiatrist still need a visit. Woo wee. Ok, enough from me.

Yall have a sexy time! - Theo