Pig Mom - Ch. 1 (November 2024)

            I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the movie The Matrix Reloaded but there’s this one scene where Neo is fighting the Merovingian’s henchmen in a fancy mansion. It’s all white with tile flooring and there are two large staircases leading to the second floor. Everything is ornate and there are a bunch of statues and weapons on the walls. Well, my classmate Chris Harrison lived in a place like that. Not kidding. There are two major differences though – he didn’t have statues and there weren’t weapons all over the walls. Other than those two things though, the foyer of his mansion looked exactly like that.

            The two of us went to a Catholic all-boys school in a really affluent area. Some poor kids like me who were smart enough to get in got a taste of the rich town. I gotta tell you, a lot of my classmates were spoiled as fuck. I grew up in a small Hispanic household where my parents were always overbearing. Meanwhile these white kids planned parties whenever their parents were away. I never thought parents would just casually leave their kids alone to do something together as a couple. That concept was foreign to me. For me, my family was always in the house 24/7, and if we went out then we went out together. I had to write up a speech in my head to explain to my mom why I was going out to hang out with a friend.  

Chris lived only about five minutes away from our school. The whole area was known for rolling hills, farms, and rich people (maybe even a politician here and there) who lived in mansions. Sometimes Mom would take the long way home after picking me up from school just so that we could get lost in the scenic routes.

            I knew Chris by pure chance because I sat next to him in our English class during our freshman year. The teacher gave us an assignment to write a screenplay and film it. Could be about anything. Free reign. As a move buff myself, I was really excited for this. We were randomly paired up with the people sitting next to us. So I ended up with Chris and to my left was this other kid named José. We brainstormed a script and I was inspired by Curb Your Enthusiasm; we wrote up a scene where people were arguing about something stupid in a dining room. But José and I didn’t have really appealing dining rooms. I cringed at the thought of inviting friends over and seeing my overbearing family. We wouldn’t get anything done. Chris then said nonchalantly that we should film at his house, so we agreed.

            So the first time I saw Chris’s house was when José and I were both dropped off by our moms to film our screenplay. When we turned into his street, Mom and I marveled at the property – it had an iron gate that opened and closed electronically, and the family had a friggin’ llama stable. Llamas! I didn’t even know at the time that you could own them. The mansion had three floors, and the third wasn’t like a small attic or anything like that – legit three floors. In front of the mansion across the driveway was a courtyard with a fountain. The one other curious thing as we pulled into the front was a pedestal in the courtyard with a ceramic blue pig with wings.

            José was already there waiting, and we couldn’t stop gawking at everything in the foyer. I noticed more pigs in the form of little ceramic statues, all scattered on mantles and as decorations, each with a different color and artistic pattern.

            Shit was crazy, man. Chris was loaded. We were completely thrown off guard by this because Chris was always a completely unassuming guy. He never gave us any heads up at all about what his house was like.

            We had to follow a strict dress code in our all-boys academy. Dress shirt, tie, and dress pants. We had to keep our top button buttoned and keep our shirts tucked in. Well, Chris did none of that. He looked like a slob half the time with his shirt untucked, the top button of his dress shirt unbuttoned, his brown hair unkempt, and his tie loosened. The priests at the school always chastised him for his appearance, but he would always mumble something incoherently and haphazardly try to tuck his shirt in. He was a hulking 6 feet tall and wide. Something about his face was a little lopsided. I want to say he possibly had a birth defect but I never asked because asking something like that would be awkward. 

            His dining room looked like something out of a Disney movie. The chairs were fancy, table was fancy, there was a fancy mirror at one end of the dining room. There were no wallpapers – the walls were painted to look like a garden.

            “Daaaayyyuummm,” José said.

            I snapped my fingers. “I got it! This will change the script a bit but we can crack some jokes about some guy who keeps insulting his host about the fancy dining room.”

            José was a funny guy and supplied a lot of the jokes. Chris was the most technical out of all of us, obviously since he had the money to afford so many things. He had a boom mic and said he would be able to edit. José and I didn’t know how to do any of that shit. I had the writer and the director in me.

            So we spent a good thirty minutes revising the script, then Chris went to the bathroom and José wanted a drink. Chris pointed us to the kitchen down a narrow hallway from the dining room. Once we were out of earshot, José made a face at me.

            “Jesus Christ,” he muttered. “These people have so much money. Did you know this?”

            “No. Not at all.”

            The kitchen was like twice the size of a normal kitchen. The pig themed was the strongest there – dish rags with pigs on them, a pig-shaped cookie jar, pig-shaped knobs on the cabinet doors. The island in the kitchen was so large you could hold some four or five cooks lined up on either side working on something. Across the kitchen was the living room, where a giant flatscreen TV hung on the wall. The TV was on playing a show. I didn’t realize at that moment, but Chris’s mom was lounging on the couch lying on her back. We didn’t notice her at first because the couch was facing away from us.

            Chris had said we could help ourselves to whatever was in the fridge. José took a Pepsi and I just felt like having a water. We loitered for a bit admiring the place until Chris’s mom got up from the couch. I felt awkward for a moment because she looked as though she might not have been expecting us. She looked very unflattering wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. But what struck me was how massive her ass and thighs were. She had an extremely attractive mom bod with long wild red hair and a pretty wide, somewhat chubby face. She had fat on her in all the right places.

            She took one look at us and said, “Oh. Hey. You must be Chris’s friends.”

            We awkwardly introduced ourselves, muttering hellos.

            She absent-mindedly scratched her armpit.  

            “Janet,” she said. “Nice to meet you.”

            She nodded to the fridge. “Excuse me, I need to get in there.”

            We stepped aside. I said, “Oh, yeah, sorry.”

            Chris returned and we went back to the dining room. I was already distracted by having seen Janet. My mind had devolved into monkey mode. It was hooting and hollering at the thought of Janet. Up until that moment I had never known that an ass could look good in sweatpants. My perversion had always been about tight jeans. But her ass cheeks were practically bulging at the seams that I had never considered the fact that sweatpants could look sexy too.

            From the dining room I could still see her in the kitchen through the narrow hallway. I’ll never forget this moment for as long as I live, because it was the eeriest coincidence.

            She didn’t just take out a drink from the fridge – she took out a 2L bottle of Coke.

            My heart pounded. My first thought was, Whoa. Then…she actually opened the bottle and brought it to her lips and started drinking straight from the bottle itself!

            Fucking.

Whoa.

            My next immediate thought was, Man, imagine if she burped out loud?

            She drank for maybe half a minute straight. Not quite sure but it felt like an eternity. She then stopped drinking, set the 2L bottle on the counter, and – I fucking kid you not - let out the manliest belch I had ever heard a woman rip. I was only 15 years old at the time and this shit fucked with me for the rest of my life. This became a core memory.

            Her belch rattled across the hallway. It was heavy, deep, guttural, and sounded like a – BRRRRRUUUUURRRRAAAAAARRRRRPPPP!

            José looked up from reading the script and awkwardly chuckled, making a face at me like saying, The fuck? He then grimaced, clearly finding the sound disgusting.

            Chris sighed with exasperation. He then said aloud in a pained tone, “Mooom!”

            Janet patted her chest and turned to me, realizing that we had heard her and that I had been watching. All she said was, “Oof, excuse me!” and left to watch TV again.

            Chris muttered something while shaking her head. He was clearly embarrassed and didn’t want to acknowledge it. José forgot about it in seconds, but what she did would forever haunt me.