Tokens and Towers Chpt 6

Chapter Six: Loot or Die, There is No Try (Clovis Gets a Mustache)

The village ahead seemed promising, and it would give us a chance to get a lay of the land before we continued toward the tower, our shared destiny.

Retail therapy was on the agenda now that I had enough Coin to buy Mercer Island and clone a shitton of beefed up Conor McGregors in thick Richard Mille watches to run security on it; date, and be able the afford the high end designer clothing, trips to islands I’d never heard of, and surgical procedures just in case I feel like changing my identity on a whim (manbun surgery, here we go); and have enough left over to pick up some Berkshire Class A stock just to thumb my nose at investors who still say crypto investing is dodgy.

(Spoiler alert: all investing is dodgy but what the hell else is there to do with money once you reach a certain point?)

(Spoiler alert #2: I was not at that certain point when I went all in on Harmon Tokens.)

What can I say? I am an okay writer according to Clovis, and never was great with math, but I knew enough about exchange rates to know I was up, way up. And the exchange rate of Harmon to LyraCoin had me chomping at the bit as I thought about how I could spend some of my LyraCoin once we reached the village.

For one, I would get rid of this super basic gnome clothing.

Ugh, so basic. I’d go all in, something glamorously cool, with a ton of perks, perhaps some spikes like Spawn had on his shoulder piece, or the single bulky steampunk-adjacent shoulder piece like Cloud Strife rocked, or maybe I’d see if I couldn’t find something that looked like Targaryen armor, swirled crimson dragons and whatnot.

The point was, I had the funds to do it and I was damn sure willing to trade up from my basic gnome clothing.

I would also see what the town blacksmith could do for Axl Rose, not that my axe wasn’t performing, I just had this itching feeling that enemies were going to get harder as we progressed. Could it be sharper? More grimdark? Perhaps I could get ‘Mad Lad’ hand-engraved into the bit? Did it need a tassel, or perhaps some rare fox tail that would give it a magical boost? I mean, just picture yourself in my shoes at this point, breaking even for years (yes, mostly my fault but also the overall career I’d chosen), and then suddenly sent to Genera with more fundage than a Saudi prince.

Looking at Clovis and how disheveled the book was, it was clear that he could benefit from the gentle hand of a conservator as well. I’d certainly fund that, get him cleaned up, or whatever it is someone does to restore a book.

Then there was the token side of the equation. The user interface tokens interested me to no end. What else would they be able to do? What cool features would I be able to unlock? Once we got to the village, I planned to really dig deep into the user interface tokens.

“Stick with me, kid, we’re going places,” I said in my best 1950s gangster movie voice, or maybe the gangster from Home Alone voice. It was trash.

“Do… what?”

“Sorry, trying something out. Look. Once we get to the village, mark my word, Clovis, shit is about to change for the two of us.”

“Oh?”

“By the time I’m done dropping cash, We’ll be ready for the Met Gala. Upgraded axe; new badass knight armor, or maybe something more Call of Duty appropriate, I don’t know; we’ll get your leathery bits nice and oiled, get those pages you keep fumbling around glued back in; hell, I may get a bit of a beard trim.”

“Okay…”

“We’ll have a nice meal,” I told him, feeling my stomach grumble, “and if there are ladies, we’ll wine and dine them too. We’ve earned it. Trust me. I have this feeling that you and I need to unwind.”

“I see. What would… what would a lady, as you put it, do with a book like me?”

I stopped and offered Clovis a calculated nod. “Rule 34, Clovis. It’s a thing.”

“Heh. That voice in your head: have you asked it why we’re here? I keep meaning to ask mine, but I also refuse to respond to the voice.”

I thought back to the conversations I’d already had with Lily. None of them had really centered on why I was here, only what I needed to do in a three-day time limit. A frown formed on my face. My reason for existing and my sudden appearance in Genera should have been the first thing I discussed after doming the gnomes. “Actually, I don’t know why we’re here. Fuck, I feel like an idiot.”

“It’s okay. I don’t know why we’re here either. Sort of the same on Earth, right? If you think about it.”

“Yikes, Clovis, you’re getting way too deep for a silly fantasy adventure like this. All Lily told me was to be at the tower in three days, and that’s what I’m doing. This is a tutorial; and based on other game tutorials I’ve gone through, we’re likely supposed to learn the system and level up as much as we can before we reach there.”

“It’s good to know that you’ll do whatever the voice in your head tells you to do. Way to conform, Randy.”

“At least I listen to the voice in my head,” I told him, which was not really a rabbithole I was prepared to go down. Luckily, he didn’t press my statement. “You know what, I’ll make this simple. I’ll just ask her directly, you’ll see. Lily, why are we here, and what is the point of us being here?”

<All intakes are here for a variety of reasons. The point is to reach the top of the tower.>

“That’s vague…”

“What did she say?”

“That we are here for a variety of reasons and that the point is to reach the top of the tower.” I swept my hand toward the structure, which beckoned us from the distance.

“See? Are you sure that someone else is telling you that and not just the voices speaking? Personally, I feel like I should be more shocked about coming here. I’m not.”

“I’m not either,” I told him. “Weird, right? It’s… maybe it is something we needed. I don’t know. Shit, it’s too early in our story to be looking back and reflecting on the real world. Fuck the real world; let’s just see what Genera has in store for us, get to the top, that’s what… that’s how we push the plot along. Sorry, Clovis, sometimes I think of life in terms of how a novel should be progressing. Anyway, all that to say I’m not as surprised as I thought I would be after being transported to another world. I can’t believe I’m saying this...”

“I think one reason I’m not so shocked to be here is that my life kind of sucked. I’ve said it before, but it’s the truth. So maybe that’s why this place doesn’t bother me so much aside from the ‘getting used to being a spellbook’ part.”

“If we’re being honest, Mine wasn’t so hot either. At least at the moment I was portaled here. Things were looking bleak,” I said, not mentioning the divorce, or just how dire my situation had become.

“What were you doing when you were transported here?” he asked, floating ahead of me, still with the turquoise energy radiating around him, a hanging page or two. I really had the urge to grab him, sit down for a moment, and flip through the pages and figure out what the spellbook he had chosen was about. But I’d also seen what he could do when he unleashed his power and I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of that.

Not until I better understood it.

“I was in a sensory deprivation tank. I named it Tanky the Tank. Or maybe it was Tanky McTankface. Either way, I named it.”

“A what?” Clovis asked.

“A sensory deprivation tank. It’s way more dystopian-sounding than it needs to be. It’s sort of like a futuristic sarcophagus, but for neo-hippies and tech gurus, of which I am not. You get in the tank and float in salt for like an hour, just alone with your thoughts, no distractions. I was in there trying to figure out what I should write next, hoping for that next million dollar idea, or at least enough to pay some bills for a couple of months. Extreme, I know, but my ideas just haven’t been hitting, not quite writer’s block, but equally as bad. I wanted to get out of my element, and hopefully spark something that could put me back on track. That’s the thing about the kind of art I do. Anyone, really, in the creative field deals with the same thing: we’re only as valuable as our last idea. It’s the most rewarding job in the world when it works, but when it doesn’t… ever heard the term feast or famine?”

“Is that from the Bible?”

“Not that I know of.”

“So you were in this tank, and then you woke up here.”

“I did.”

“So you succeeded in getting out of your element.”

I couldn’t help but grin. “Maybe? What about you? What were you doing?”

“I was at Cornell.”

“You’re a college student?”

“You know Cornell? It’s the university where Andy went to in The Office.”

“Is that… your only point of reference? It’s an Ivy League school. Everyone knows what it is.”

“Ratan Tata went there.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know. My parents just told me that. They’re professors there. I think Kurt Vonnegut went there and the lady who wrote Devil Wears Prada did too. That’s the Cornell I’m talking about.”

“I know what Cornell University is, Clovis.”

“My parents work there.”

“You told me.”

“And I was there because they got me a job there.”

“Doing what?”

“It’s not glamorous.”

“Most jobs aren’t.”

“It was a research study for an investigative medicine. Actually, they didn’t get me the job. I got myself the job. I volunteered. They needed someone for a clinical study on the effect of liraglutide on neural responses to high fructose corn syrup for overweight individuals, or something. I can’t remember exactly what it was about.”

“It sounds like you remembered it just fine. Are you… overweight?”

“Not any more. But I volunteered anyway. I was in the waiting room awaiting their decision, playing the NeiR gacha game on my phone, when I appeared here. As a spellbook.”

“I have… so many questions,” I told Clovis as I spotted an elven man ahead of us. He had a huge bag hoisted on his back and a covering that shielded his body from the sun. The man was in baggy pants and had on a pair of crude leather shoes. He reminded me of that gleeful traveling merchant from Breath of the Wild.

My spirits instantly lifted. It was time to do some shopping.

“Hey!” I called ahead, ignoring Clovis for a moment as I pressed ahead.

The elven merchant slowly started to turn, the scowl on his face flipping once he recognized a potential customer. “Why… hello!” He plopped down to the ground, and as he did the covering over his head magically appeared before him as a carpet, various items already laid out including new clothing, glowing tokens, and other talismans. “Please, take a look, intake!”

Intake? There was that word again.

“Are we shopping?” Clovis asked as he stopped next to me, hovering at about shoulder height.

“We sure as hell are. Let me do the talking,” I said as I returned my focus to the merchant. “I guess we should just get right down to it. I’m looking for some new clothing, and I’d love to know more about your tokens. Also, the amulet, it looks interesting,” I said as I went for the first shiny piece I could find, which featured a bit of jade attached to a black strip of leather, text appearing before me.

Item name: Jade Necklace (Rare)

Armor Rating: 1

Perks: Grants an additional 5 Strength Points

Five strength points? I thought, remembering that I didn’t even have ten points at the moment. Wearing this amulet would definitely make swinging Axl Rose like a true Mad Lad that much easier.

“Holy shitballs, Clovis, this necklace is the tits. Do you think it would look good on me?”

“What?” the merchant asked, Clovis already laughing at the phrase I’d manage to cobble together on a whim.

“I mean, I’ll take it. I can get LyraCoin; just let me know what the necklace costs, and how to transfer it to you.”

“LyraCoin?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Yeah, you know, the money you people use here.”

“You people?” His lips started to curl.

“Wait, not, shit, not like that! I mean, the people of Genera, elves, and whatnot. LyraCoin, you know.” I accessed my digital wallet and saw all those beautiful Harmon Tokens, nearly a million.

Harmon Tokens ($HARMON) _ _ _ _ _ 929,673

Bitcoin (BTC) _ _ _ _ _ 0

Ethereum (ETH) _ _ _ _ _ 0

Dogcoin (DOGE) _ _ _ _ _ 0

Cardano (ADA) _ _ _ _ _  0

USD Coin (USDC) _ _ _ _ _  0

LyraCoin (LYRA) _ _ _ _ _ 0

An icon appeared, letting me know I could easily swap them for LyraCoin. Even better, there was no gas tax to do so. “Lyra, LyraCoin. Same difference, but the little lyra I do have doesn’t register in my digital wallet. I’m guessing this next statement doesn’t make sense but it is like actual US Dollars and USD Coins. It’s a straight swap, if that makes sense.”

The merchant ground his teeth for a moment, his disposition continuing to sour. “I don’t think you heard me. I take Lyra; there is no such thing as LyraCoin.”

I summoned my digital wallet yet again just to confirm I wasn’t crazy. There it was, LyraCoin. “It’s a stablecoin. It exists.”

“That kind of money isn’t welcome here,” he said.

“Isn’t welcome? So you do know what it is then.”

“I don’t know what it is,” Clovis chimed in. “if that helps.”

“Give me just a second.” I turned around, hoping to buy myself a moment to speak to my companion AI. “Lily, I thought you said I was rich.”

<Hello, Randy. I never said you were rich.>

“But I have all these Harmon Tokens, and I can exchange them for LyraCoin. The exchange rate is 1 Harmon Token to 6,500 LyraCoins. So…?”

<That is correct.>

“It hasn’t fluctuated then, weird. That’s definitely not like real crypto, but I digress. That’s what the people here use, right?”

<LyraCoin isn’t used outside of the tower, and it doesn’t fluctuate in value here. Many outsiders are actively against the adoption of a cryptocurrency.>

The revelation hit me.

“So… I’m technically penniless?”

And then the next revelation hit me.

Again?

<You have Harmon Tokens, so you aren’t penniless. But your Harmon Tokens aren’t worth anything here, I’m sorry.. Earlier, after you fought the gnomes, you could have taken items from them to exchange with this merchant, but you decided not to.>

“Shit… shit…” I mumbled. If ever there was a reason to get to the tower, and start climbing floors, this was it.

“What is it?” Clovis asked. “Is the voice in your head yelling at you? Is this about crypto? You know, I had an uncle who paid for a pizza with like ten thousand Bitcoins.”

“No you didn’t. That’s someone else’s story.”

“Wait. You know that story?”

“Everyone does.”

“My uncle must have been lying to me!”

“Not now, Clovis,” I said as I turned back to the elven merchant.

My stomach knotted up, a feeling I was all too familiar with when it came to being broke. It wasn’t as much from hunger, although it always could tilt that way, but more from fear of not having money in the future. There had been several times in my life when I had been flat broke, but I had always bounced back. I hated how these periods came with this feeling of worthlessness, as if the lack of money made me any less of a person.

I turned back to the eleven merchant and lowered my head to some degree. “It looks like I don’t have any money, unless you take LyraCoin.”

“You… you made me set all my things up.”

“It seemed pretty easy for you to do…”

“You don’t know that!” He snapped at me. “This is why I hate it every time intakes come around.”

“Hate is a strong word,” Clovis said in a disinterested voice. “Do you have anything that’s free? We’ll take something for free.”

A grin cracked across my face. The best part about what Clovis had just said was that he actually meant it. He really was that bad at reading people.

“Free? You’re lucky I don’t use your pages for toilet paper!” The merchant got to his feet, and as he did the carpet and all his wares magically disappeared, the man flaming mad by the time his gear was on his back again. “You’ve wasted my time.”

“I can…” I remembered the Instant Muck Token I had in my inventory list. “I can trade my Instant Muck Token for something.”

“Instant Muck Token?” The merchant shouldered past me. “Curse you! Wasting my bloody time. I hope you choke on that muck in your sleep, intake.”

Clovis and I watched him storm off, the elven merchant nearly tripping over a root and then kicking a stump.

“He’s an angry elf,” I said, hoping Clovis had picked up on the famous Christmas movie line.

Clovis shrugged his pages. “I wonder what he was so angry about.”

****

The bramble grew thicker as Clovis and I continued toward the lines of smoke. Figuring it would be good for both of us to get a little more info, I quizzed Lily along the way, starting with what I felt was a pretty common sense question.

“Lily, are we trapped here in Genera?”

<No, you are not technically trapped.>

“What did she say?” asked Clovis.

“At least let me get some answers before you start jumping in with questions. You could always ask your own companion AI…” I returned my focus to Lily. “So we aren’t trapped, but we… can’t log out? Because, I’ve got to be honest, as a writer, I find that way too tropey.”

“As a fantasy reader, I do too.”

“And as a book you probably should as well. Well? Lily?”

<There are tokens that allow you to access a logout button. You are also given the option to logout if you climb all of the floors and reach the top of the tower. I cannot comment on your chosen profession.>

“What’s at the top of the tower exactly, do you know?”

<I’m not given that information, Randy, but I do know that if you make it through all seven realms, and their various floors, that you will be presented with several options. One of those options will be to leave Genera.>

“Seven realms, various floors? How many floors are we talking per realm?”

Clovis tilted up as if he were thinking. “Wait a minute, is this like Tower of God?”

<The first realm has five floors. More details about the second realm will become available once you make it through the first.>

“Right, I figured you’d say something like that,” I told her. “Who will give me these options if and when we reach the top? I mean, is there a game master here, or something of the sort?”

<Satoshi will give you those options.>

I stopped walking and turned to Clovis as if he’d heard Lily’s revelation. “Did you say Satoshi?”

“Who’s Satoshi?”

“He’s… it’s… look, the history is a bit convoluted, but Satoshi is rumored to be a Japanese person, or a collection of people, that created Bitcoin and the first blockchain. No one knows if he exists, who he is, that sort of thing.”

“Crypto is a risky investment. I meant to tell you that back there with that elfy merchant.”

“So I’ve been told. You asked who Satoshi was, and that’s who he, or she or they are. Lily just told me that Satoshi awaits us at the top of the tower.”

<Satoshi awaits only one of you.>

Once the bramble grew even thicker, I used Axl Rose to continue hacking a clear path toward the village. As I did so, I processed what Lily had just relayed to me. Did this mean that we couldn’t team up? I hadn’t known Clovis for very long at this point, but he was already starting to grow on me, like a mushroom, or perhaps a cancer, but he was certainly benign.

“What do you mean by only one of us?” I asked Lily as we started up a forested hill. “You’re not implying one of us is destined or anything, are you? Because that’s sort of what it sounds like, but maybe I write and read too much fiction.”

<Only one climber can accept the reward.>

“Climber? I thought I was an intake.”

<You are an intake until you reach the first realm. Then you become a climber.”

“What do you mean by intake, exactly? Been meaning to hash that out as well.” Truth be told, I continued to have more and more questions come to me faster than I could get them out. I suppose that sort of comes with the territory where you’re constantly having to deal with new challenges.

<You have already encountered two people from your intake, Clovis and Lothan.>

“And these are the people who I’m competing against?”

<You aren’t competing against them at the moment. Oftentimes, new intakes team up and work together to reach the higher realms. To make this more efficient, you should seek to acquire a Guild Token. I’m afraid this is all I can say about this at the moment.>

I didn’t like it. What had just moments ago seemed like a perfect comedy adventure for the ages—Clovis and Yours Truly and whoever else we end up meeting along the way—had morphed into something that could ultimately end in a tragedy.

More on that later.

As we reached the top of the hill, I looked down to see that the village was on fire, all of the thatched roofs ablaze, and a single white llama heading in our direction.

“It’s like Peru,” Clovis said as he floated up next to me and examined the burning village below.

“Why the hell would you say that?”

“Because of the llama, like in Dungeon Crawler Carl. Maybe you’ll get to stomp something with your bare feet.”

“I’ll pass.”

“Did you ever see the movie Llamageddon?”

“Clovis, not now.”

Honestly, I would have ignored the shabby llama had it not insisted on moving in my direction as I rushed down to the village. I wasn’t a Boy Scout, dammit, I was a Mad Lad, but if there were villagers in those homes, or some other way I could help, especially with my trusty axe, I was going to do my damnedest to be of assistance.

And then the llama spat at me.

Not only that, I had managed to circle around it yet the spit hit me in the face, which told me this was no ordinary llama. I turned back to it, and as I did smoke began to pour out of its ears and its ass, the llama forming into what I would classify as a disheveled wizard.

“It’s a homeless man, Randy.” Clovis was by my side once again, a page dangerously close to falling out of body. Rather than let it fall, I grabbed the page, noticed that it was blank, and stuffed it back into Clovis. “Hey!”

“Hello new intakes!” said the wizard in a stereotypical medieval accent. Gandolf-living-in-a-van-down-by-the-river coughed into his hand and offered me a phlegmy handshake.

I eyed it wearily.

I wouldn’t have minded shaking the hand of an unkempt wizard a few years back, I mean, I’d been to DragonCon late at night plus a few too many trippy Portland halloween parties. But this was all happening post 2020 and yeah, I had my suspicions.

“Nice to meet you,” I told him, going for the fistbump instead. The wizard didn’t seem to mind. “The name is Randy—the noun not the adjective—and the book is Clovis.”

“I’m Clovis.”

“Randy and Clovis, eh? I know exactly who you are! The challenge begins!”

“The challenge?”

“Weren’t you just a llama?” Clovis asked the wizard, who had eyebrows that were so bushy that I could barely see his beady little eyes.

“Indeed I was! The name is Drozard, and I’m here to offer you your first challenge.”

Lily’s voice came to me:

<Complete Drozard’s challenge to gain a level and continue toward the tower.>

“Is this part of the tutorial?” I asked under my breath.

<Yes, that is correct.>

“What… what the hell happened here?” I pointed my axe at Drozard. “You didn’t burn this village down did you?”

He started to laugh, his teeth yellow and crooked. Eventually, Clovis started laughing with him as well. (Fucking Clovis, I swear…)

“Of course, I burned down this village! I do it for each new intake. Then, I make the village whole again. It’s a loot challenge, my boy! Surely by now you have come to understand why you are here.”

“Not in the least bit.”

“We are supposed to get to the tower and climb it, but I don’t know why,” said Clovis, tilting toward me. “He was supposed to tell me, but he hasn’t explained the rules yet.”

Drozard continued as if Clovis hadn’t interrupted him. “Nevermind that. There are bodies all over the village, homunculus that I have summoned. Most should be dead, don’t worry there! Your goal is to loot as many as you can in the next two minutes and twenty-two seconds. Twenty-one seconds…”

“Were we supposed to be looting this entire time?”

“Twenty-seconds…”

“Let’s move, Clovis!” Taking my own advice, I took off toward the village, unaware of what the point of the challenge was. Luckily, Drozard caught up with me on the left, floating, the ends of his tattered robe trailing behind him.

“I will reward you based on what you loot. Good luck! And don’t get burned or die. Sadly, people have died before. Where…?” He stopped floating and I did the same, both of us looking back to see Clovis, who remained stationary. “Ah, there’s your companion.”

“Clovis, get your ass over here, we got to loot some shit!”

Is he really that fast? I thought as Clovis flashed in front of me, as if he’d been there all along.

“Wait… how did I do that?”

“We’re wasting precious time, Clovis, come on!”

I shouldered into the first burning house to find a dead homunculus. A box appeared before me telling me that he didn’t have any loot. Come on, come on, I thought as I pressed into another room, fire crackling around me, a joist above already starting to split.

Another lootable body caught my attention. As I approached it, the homunculus came awake, laughed, and then died.

Fucking Drozard, I thought as the floating box appeared, letting me know this one didn’t have any loot.

Crack!

The floor gave way, the ceiling caving in, and several flaming boards nearly sending me to an early grave.

It should have happened right then and there. My death should have been swift and entirely stupid considering I’d rushed into a house looking for loot on a challenge given to me by a crackhead wizard.

But instead of instant death, I landed in the basement with an oomph!, then sub basement, then sub sub basement, then the ground itself gave way and I was falling toward a pit of lava. By sheer luck, and perhaps a nod to my twelve points in Dexterity thank-you-very-much, I managed to grab hold of a board that had been pinned down by a fiery support beam.

“Holy shit!”

The lava popped and boiled below, and I was pretty sure I’d seen something move beneath its surface. Whatever this place was, a reservoir of lava, an underground pit of hell, Texas during the summer, my antics seemed to please Drozard to no end. The wizard appeared next to me, the tips of his beard on fire.

“You have under two minutes left, Randy...”

“What the fuck!? Seriously, help me, help! Clovis!” I shouted, even if I was nearly one hundred percent certain that he would be useless in a situation like this. “Don’t just watch me dangle here, help!”

“If you die, you won’t win this challenge, Randy. Good luck!” and with that shitbird of a statement, Drozard vanished.

It took me a second to get my bearings, but something about not wanting to die just yet forced a plan into action. I managed to swing myself forward with one hand. As I sailed through the air, I drove Axl Rose into a hanging stone.

Of course, this didn’t work, but I hit it so hard that I managed to send myself toward the outer wall of the hole’s opening, and this time I was able to scramble onto a ledge and keep myself from plummeting to my death.

Not only could I feel the heat, not only did it feel like every single nerve in my body was firing at once, there was also the smoke, which was starting to make me feel dizzy.

Climb, Randy, climb…

Had I not had stats, my Dex and Strength, I most certainly would have met the fate of an ancient citizen of Pompeii. It would have been a fast death, sudden too. Yet there I was, climbing up through the hole I’d fallen through just moments ago. I reached the sub sub basement, where I was able to squat for just a moment, blink a few times, and take another look at my surroundings.

Is that... a treasure chest? There were several boards crossed behind me, but I could have sworn I saw the glint of something back there, and it looked like there was just enough room for me to crawl beneath one of the boards and reach it.

So I went for it. I’d almost been baked in a tandoori oven just moments ago and I was feeling bold, Axl Rose still in my hand as I crawled forward on my belly.

Boy, had I been lucky, and not just for the fact that I’d managed to climb to safety using ledges, but because of my background. Remember earlier when I said I was sort of a nature guy? I think I said that. If not, here’s me saying it. I’d actually gone climbing before, and I’d even been spelunking, which made what I was doing now a cinch.

I would say now would be a good time to remind people that it is important to lead an active lifestyle and challenge yourself every now and then even if most people don’t find themselves isekaied to a place where these sorts of skills actually come in handy. Generally, you’ll never have to Tom Cruise your way up the side of a building, nor would a rejected thrift store llama morph into a half-baked wizard and offer you a challenge that left you dangling above a pit of lava.

But without those skills, you also wouldn’t find yourself crouched in front of a treasure box with a sick looking skull carved in the metal latch.

“Hello, hello, hello…” I said as I popped the chest open, a token floating out. A golden flame sparked around the sphere, morphing into a dragon as it twisted around the token.

Logout Token (Legendary)

Allows you to add a single-use Logout button to your user interface.

“Isn’t this the token you were telling me about?”

<A Logout Token will allow you to leave Genera if you so wish.>

“Nice!”

Amped up by my find, I dropped back to my belly and crawled under the boards yet again. I continued up to the sub basement from there, and then the basement, and finally the ground level. My exit was clear, and I was just about to kick through a shoddy wall and get a true breath of fresh air when a flaming homunculus lunged for me.

“Not today, motherfucker!” I swung at the homunculus, cutting off a piece of its head, which also continued to burn once it hit the ground. It was like fighting a Hollywood stunt double who had lit himself on fire, the flames coming off in waves, super cinematic, and also painful as I got burned twice in the time it took me to land another hit.

The homunculus, who was now missing an arm and a portion of its head, lunged for me yet again.

“Aye!” I screamed like a Nicaraguan schoolgirl and kicked at the flaming homunculus, the creature gnashing what was sort of its jaw as it tried to overpower me. I managed to scoot far enough away from it that I could get back to my feet and finish what I had started.

Whack!

The homunculus fell backward, a burst of fire leaving its face as it settled on the ground. Upon approaching it, mostly to make sure I had killed the bastard, I was greeted by a window letting me know that I’d received another token.

“Flight Token?” I asked. “Does that mean what I think it means, Lily?”

<Yes, with this token you will be able to fly.>

Flight Token (Ultra Rare)

Using this token will allow you to fly without the usage of mana or learning the Flight skill.

Maybe Drozard isn’t so bad, I thought as I stepped outside and spotted the wizard in the center of the village. Clovis was already floating in front of him, apparently done with the loot-a-thon. I tore off in their direction, but then I noticed another lifeless homunculus sticking out of a toppled wheelbarrow as if someone had shoved it in. Since time hadn’t been called yet, I wound my way toward it, yet another loot window appearing.

“Seriously?” I asked as I read the token’s description. “LyraCoin to Lyra Token?”

LyraCoin to Lyra Token (Legendary)

Add the ability to instantly convert LyraCoin to Lyra Token within your digital wallet.

I pumped my fist in the air. Cash money inbound. I could finally afford the gold chains, the presidential suites, private helicopters, business class trips, and more importantly—all jokes aside, most importantly—I could just write whatever I wanted to write without having to worry about making a living at it.

All I had to do now was deal with the wizard.

****

“Clovis, Drozard,” I said once I reached the two of them, tilting a hat I wasn’t wearing in both their directions. “Hey guys!”

“Hey, Angel Farts.”

“And… time!” Drozard clapped his hands together, glitter raining down from the sky as a horn sounded off somewhere.

Mission accomplished - Points!

You have gained a level.

You now have skill points.

You will be able to select your first class at level five. You are now able to learn what stat points you have received.

+2 Stamina!

+1 Strength!

+1 Dexterity!

+2 Skill Points!

Race: Human

Name: Randy Lionheart

Level: 3

Tier: Fresh Meat

HP: 16/16

MP: 5/5

Intelligence: 9

Perception: 8

Stamina: 8

Strength: 10

Dexterity: 13

Defense: 4

Stealth: 2

Health Regen: 10% per hour

MP Regen: 20% per hour

Skill Points: 2

Armor: Basic Gnome Wear

Weapons: Axl Rose

Accessories: N/A

The information fizzled away once Drozard extended his arms wide. He rose into the air, all of the burning homes, homunculus, and the cavernous lava pit below warping into the sleeves of his robes. “Good work, both of you!”

Clovis spiraled, as if he were dizzy. “So many voices…”

“Clovis, did you gain a level?”

“I think…?”

“Nice! You really need to listen to the voice in your head! That’s important info, and also, the name is Randy, not—”

“—Ahem!” The bearded wizard leaned forward and gestured toward himself, beckoning our attention.

“Sorry about that,” I told him. “So… these tokens. I guess I should just come right out and ask it: do I get to keep them? And if not, please?”

“You looted tokens?”

I turned to Clovis. “You didn’t?”

“I got a garter belt, a clove of garlic, an old boot, and a mustache.”

“You… didn’t get any tokens? That’s literally all I got, sick ones too. Wait, did you say you got a mustache?”

“Yes, but not a Hitler one.”

I gave Clovis a funny look. “What makes you think I thought you got a Hitler mustache? Relatedly, do you remember when Michael Jordan tried to pull that look off?”

“The actor from Black Panther?”

“What? No, not… nevermind, Clovis. You seriously didn’t get any tokens?”

“I told you what I got.”

“Gentlemen, please! We can debate the merits of our looting and what having a mustache means about us as individuals at a later date.” Drozard lowered until he was just about one inch off the ground. “You’ve done well, intakes! For one, you didn’t die,” he said, looking at me. “And you didn’t put yourself in a situation where you could have died,” he told Clovis, “which is also admirable. You’d be surprised how many new intakes die at this point, before they can even think of reaching the tower and climbing its floors. Now, as for your rewards…”

“I’m good with keeping the tokens.”

“I’m sure, Randy, and you’ve managed to find very good ones. I know… I have just the thing for you!” Drozard turned his palm around, and with a poof of unnecessarily colorful smoke, a belt and a scabbard appeared. “For your axe. You can’t just go around everywhere holding it in your hand like a buffoon, and keeping it in your inventory list will take up space.”

I took the belt and scabbard from him. “But I get to keep the tokens I looted, right?”

He grinned at me. “Nope, they’re already gone from your inventory list. Thank you for retrieving them, however. Heh. I’ve been looking for those ones.”

“No…” Sure enough, accessing my inventory list left me with a sinking feeling in my chest. The three tokens were gone, but I still had the Instant Muck Token.

Agitation bloomed within me. “What the hell, man?”

“Not happy?” Drozard asked, his lips forming into a pout. “Very well, I’ll give you a token in exchange for the three, one that will prove useful to a clever intake such as yourself.”

Enemy Analyzer Token (Common)

Allows you to see the levels of your enemies and their health bars. You must be challenged or challenge an enemy before this data is made available.

<Would you like to assign the token to your user interface?>

“Yes,” I told Lily, “and why didn’t you ask me that about the others?”

<I’m sorry, Randy, that wasn’t an option for those tokens.>

Clovis suddenly seemed dejected. “Do I at least get to keep the mustache, Mr. Wizard?”

“I’m afraid not, Clovis, but I do have something very special for you.” Drozard procured a ribbon marker.

“Is that a choker necklace? I don’t have a neck.”

“No, it’s a bookmark, my boy!”

“I believe that is called a ribbon marker,” I told Clovis, but I could be wrong. I was seething by this point, and it was leading me down the dark path of pedantry. It was clear that the wizard had taken advantage of us.

“You are a floating spellbook, are you not?”

“I am,” Clovis told Drozard.

“Then perhaps this will be of some use to you.” The wizard sent the ribbon marker over to Clovis, who snapped shut, the bookmark disappearing. “Gentlemen,” he said, bowing toward both of us, “it has been quite the honor. We will meet again, and rest assured, you will also meet my counterpart at some point as well. Her name is Drizzy, and she will be most excited to meet two new intakes such as yourself. Until then, I wish you both luck!” Drozard began to fade away.

“What happened to his llama?” Clovis asked after the wizard had officially disappeared.

I kicked at a stone, noticed then that I was gripping my axe so tightly that my knuckles were white. “Fuck that wizard.”

“He wasn’t so bad. He gave me a ribbon marker.” Clovis proceeded to look around for a moment, his pager shuffling. “I think I may have already lost it.”

“Let’s… let’s just continue on to the tower. We’ve got to reach it so we can begin scaling the floors. Hopefully, we’ll come across some food along the way.”

“Maybe we’ll even see Drozard again.”

“God, I hope not.” I turned to the book. “I seriously had three rare tokens, not one, three,  Clovis. I would have been so OP. All this would have been so much easier. Even just one of them would have been helpful, like the one that allowed me to fly.”

“I can already fly.”

“Another would have allowed me to logout.”

“Is that something you want to do?”

“Undecided. I’m enjoying myself, but it’s always nice to have that option, and I don’t want to spend my time in a fantasy world roaming around getting scammed by wizards, berated by gnomes, and tricked by dark elves. Besides, we don’t yet know what is in store for us at the tower. It could be some serious Squid Games shit.”

“Or Hunger Games.”

My belly rumbled in response. “This guy gets it.”

“What would the third token have done?”

“The third token would have allowed me to exchange my LyraCoin for actual money.”

“US Dollars?”

“No, Lyra. What good would dollars do us here in Genera?”

“Is that the name of this place?” Clovis shifted, taking a look around. As if it were mocking us, the tower loomed in the distance, its crown well above the top of the treeline. What would happen once we reached it? Would this wretched tutorial ever end? All jokes aside, how difficult would the floors be?

“Yes, Clovis, we’re in Genera.”

“Maybe Drozard will let you keep the tokens next time we see him.”

“I seriously doubt that.” I kicked another stone away. “Fine, I’m over it now. But I will say this: next time, we need to be the ones to trick Drozard, rather than the other way around. We can’t let the people, creatures, races, whatever, of Genera continue to fuck us over. I have a feeling it’s only going to get worse…”

“How are we going to do that?”

“Well, for one, in gamer parlance—thank-you-very-much—we need to git gud. We need to gain some levels and get smarter, figure out the system, get our classes, etcetera. On a side note, I wish it worked that way in real life, right? Just go out and do something and get smarter. Although, I guess it sort of works that way, but you know what I’m saying.”

“Not really.”

Fucking Clovis…

“We have to seriously improve our game, Clovis. Both of us have an intelligent stat, and the higher it goes, the easier it will be to trick Drozard next time we encounter him. Not only that, there are other stats we can get. I already got, and lost, a Luck Token.”

“Good token for Vegas, not a good token for Randy.”

“My thoughts exactly. But there may be more, something like a Charisma Token, or shit, a Deception Token, both of which would allow one of us to modify our user interface. Plus Lily says there’s a Guild Token.”

“You’d... guild up with me?” Clovis looked directly at me, and while he didn’t have a face, I felt for a moment like he did. A page started to slip out of him.

“Of course, I would. Don’t worry about that part. It doesn’t look like it’s going to be easy once we start climbing the floors of the tower. Better to have a companion,” I said, not mentioning the part that Lily told me, that only one person could reach the top. We could address that later. “As for now, I need to find something to eat. I’m starving. I know you don’t have a mouth, but things are going to get dire if I don’t get some fuel. But before we do that, I need to figure out what I can do with these two skill points...”

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