90: And Make Them Cry

Inho wasn’t sure what to say. His hard-on had subsided but his mind was still whirling. For once, he thought, For once, I didn’t get drunk and yet… It had still gotten messy as hell.

He felt a dreadful sense of foreboding as Min ordered them a pitcher of beer so they’d have something to do with their hands.

“I think we should go on a date,” Min said suddenly without looking at him. His grip shook slightly while he poured a glass, and it came out mostly foam. He placed it in front of Inho and poured again,

“Right now?” Inho asked stupidly.

“No, not right now. But, um… soon. So that we can sort of…” he gestured ambiguously, “Have a tangible shift? A fresh start? Something that isn’t like that.” He nodded his head towards the bathroom.

Inho shrugged, hesitating for a reason he couldn't name. “That wasn’t so bad… Did you hate it?”

“Well, no. But it’s not what I’m looking for.”

Inho, who had quite enjoyed it, felt a petulant pout creep over his face, “Maybe it’s what I’m looking for.”

Min grimaced and threw back his foamy glass before pouring another. “Is it? No to a date then?”

“I didn’t say that, I just… If you like me, what’s the difference?”

“The difference between hooking up in a bathroom stall and starting a relationship with an actual date? Are you serious?” Min’s voice was as calm as ever, but Inho could sense a shift in his patience starting.

He tensed slightly, and his pout deepened. He hadn’t asked for any of this. “I don’t know, maybe I’m just not up to your standards.”

“I feel like you’re just looking for reasons to keep this superficial. Hooking up is not meaningful. Sex alone is not meaningful, I don’t have feelings for the guys I meet to sleep with. I want something real with you, and in to me that starts with a proper beginning, not in a bathroom.” Min’s voice had a definite edge in it now.

Inho blinked slowly, processing. What guys? Now definitely wasn’t the time to ask…

“What guys?” he asked.

Min folded his arms, he was starting to get frustrated, “Inho, if you don’t want to date me, just say it. Stop deflecting. I’m an adult, and your friend. I can take it.” He rolled his shoulders back, visibly steeling himself despite his brave words.

Inho considered him, his small figure held taut with nervous energy. His teeth were clenched so tight that a muscle twitched in his jaw. One of his feet bounced erratically on the barstool.

Inho could admit, Min was cute, he was sexy, he was responsible. He wouldn’t lie and he’d probably make Inho a better person. Inho wanted to fuck him…

But he didn’t want him. Despite all the ways that Min measured up better than Stephen, Inho couldn’t get Stephen out of his head. There was a void somewhere in his chest that ached no matter what distractions he tried. He missed Stephen’s voice and the way he layered kisses on Inho’s temples and eyelids, missed his dark jokes and sarcasm. He craved how Stephen made him feel like the only person in the world when he wasn’t even the only person in the room. And at night, he burned for the heat and weight of Stephen’s body on his.

The fact was, he wasn’t over Stephen– not at all. But Min was facing him with such earnest sincerity, he couldn’t help but be moved by it. Tentatively, he let his walls down. This was one of his oldest friends asking him for something, and in a powerful way, he just wanted to give Min whatever he needed. But he couldn’t, and Min deserved so much better than a half-hearted rebound.

So for once in his life Inho did the right thing, and in a disconcerted torrent of words, he told Min what he was feeling.

“Min you’re super important to me, and doing that with you… was way better than I expected, and I think could totally fall in love with you! And, part of me wishes you’d said something back in highschool, and I’d never dated Jamie at all…” He shook his head, that part was unfair, “But…”

“But.” Min’s chin fell and he looked away.

“But I’m not over my ex. And I don’t know if I will be for a while, and if I’m not… I don’t think I’m capable of anything serious. Not next week, not next month… To be honest, I’m probably just going to treat myself like shit for a long time, and I don’t think you should be here for it.” He finished in a rush and forced himself to face Min, releasing his white knuckle grip on the bar. If Min took this poorly, then this might be the end of their friendship, but if Inho lied about his feelings, it would guarantee it.

Min nodded stiffly, then in a small voice, simply said, “Okay.”

“Yeah?” Inho wanted to reach inside him and examine his thoughts, “You’re not mad?”

Min shifted in his seat, “Mad? I don’t think so. That would be unfair, you’ve just said how you feel. I-I just…” he rolled back his shoulders, “I’ve imagined this so many times… and getting rejected. I’m not really sure how to feel.”

Inho chewed his lip, “I didn’t want to hurt you…”

“Well you probably shouldn’t have let me kiss you, that would have been better.”

Inho searched helplessly for a reply to that, “That’s unfair,” he finished lamely.

“Yeah… It is. Sorry.”

Inho hung his head, “I’m sorry too.”

The bartender walked over, noted the atmosphere and immediately turned and left.

“Was your ex a man?” Min asked at last.

“Yeah… It just sorta turned out that guys work for me too.”

“I wish I had known sooner. I think… I think I would have made you happier than that.”

Inho felt like throwing up. “It was good while it was good… I don’t fucking know what I’m doing anymore. I think I made a mistake with him.”

“Yeah? Do you... want to talk about it?”

Inho did, desperately want to talk about it with someone, but this was probably not the right time or person. He gave Min a searching look, “Do you?”

“I dunno, maybe your terrible breakup will make me feel better.”

Inho frowned at him, “You’re not usually so mean.”

“Yeah... I just had my heart broken you know.”

“That’s fair.” Inho flagged down the bartender and ordered another pitcher of beer. He might as well take the opportunity to vent. And if his own despair gave Min any comfort… well, he deserved it.