88: Shame

“Okay you got me, I don’t like being alone. I’m a fuck up with no family, toxic friendships, and all my ex-lovers hate me. This has been so enlightening, I feel all better, wow!”

Ms. Chowdhury blinked at him, he could almost see her resisting the urge to roll her eyes. He was acting like a petulant child. She knew it, and he knew it too.

“You know what, I’m just wasting both of our time here.” The shame of being broken and too tangled up to fix stung like dry cracked skin– every movement or exploration revealed more tiny weeping wounds.

Ms. Chowdhury ignored his self-indulgent announcement. “I think leaving the church can be a traumatic experience, one that you share with many other people. And I think that you in particular had an exceptionally difficult transition as it pertains to your damaged relationship with your family. Not to mention the unresolved grieving for your friend… But Stephen, you’re not just a collection of aftereffects, and you can decide if you want to grow beyond this. I need you to stop fighting me."

Stephen took a deep calming breath. “I can’t… I can’t take another person I love cutting me out. It’s too much.”

Ms. Chowdhury pondered for a moment, taking a sip of her tea, and adding some extra sugar while she considered. Stephen shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with how his own vulnerable words hung in his ears.

“Stephen, you put a very high value on control, especially in your professional life. I see that you’ve had a lot of success with taking ownership in that space. But, with your personal relationships, I think you are surrendering your own ability to influence the situation a little too early. It’s something that occurs when a person is repeatedly exposed to adverse stimuli. So, I have some homework for you…”

****

Min’s suave new persona didn’t last long, and by the time they’d all had some drinks and swapped seats, Inho was suppressing giggles watching Min try to talk to the girl with the big eyes.

She hadn’t written him off yet, but was visibly confused when he stumbled over his words answering questions about his own job. Inho hid his smile with his hand watching Min blush. Min was drinking more than usual to cover for his nerves. For once, he thought smugly, Inho wasn’t the drunk sloppy one in a group.

“You’ve got such a good job, you must be very popular,” Min’s partner said gently, trying to soothe him.

“No, I’ve been single for like seven years,” Min blurted in response, and Inho choked on his drink. Min was a mess, and it was so… adorable. Like watching a baby deer trying to walk on wobbly legs before tumbling into a cute pile of limbs.

Unfortunately, Inho’s observations had run too long, and the girl sitting across from him was obviously irritated.

“You’re not really interested in being here are you?” She asked abruptly.

“Huh?” Inho scrambled to answer. Now Min was watching him struggle, “Ahhh haha sorry, I’ve been out-of-country for a while… it’s uh… my Korean is rusty…” the girl narrowed her eyes. “Ah...excuse me.” He jumped up and walked to the bathroom, his steps awkward as his feet forgot how to walk under intense scrutiny. When he glanced back, Min was watching him leave.

In the washroom, he patted cool water onto the back of his neck before rubbing his burning ears. That was humiliating…

The door swung open, and Min came to stand at the sink next to him. Inho observed him surreptitiously, but Min wasn’t the type to mock him.

“Your korean is rusty?” Min asked suddenly, deadpan. Then he started to laugh.

“Whatever!” Inho was laughing too, “Why didn’t you just tell her you’re a monk? Seven years?! You’re supposed to lie about these things!”

Min’s face reddened, but he was still laughing, “Hey I’m just trying to make Junseo look good by comparison, I’m not into those girls.”

“Oh god Junseo, we left him alone, he’s gonna shit his pants.” Inho suddenly remembered, making Min laugh even harder. “For real, he said he was gonna…”

Min was laughing so much that tears were coming out, “Oh god, we’re all so damn lame now.”

“I always have been, I don’t know why you like me so–” Inho cut himself off mid-sentence, and Min finally stopped laughing.

A heavy silence blanketed the space around them; the occasional drops of water falling from the faucet seemed impossibly loud. Min shifted his weight and took a small step forward. Inho’s palms started to sweat. “This group date is a trainwreck,” he said to fill the awkward space that had opened up between them, “We should all just get out of here.” What had happened to the comfortable comradery of a decade-long friendship? He mourned the evaporation of their former closeness.

His eyes skittered away from the sudden intensity of Min’s expression. Was he angry? Was he hurt? They hadn’t addressed Min’s confession at all since their messy text conversation. Not for the first or the last time, Inho wished he was better at keeping his stupid mouth shut. It seemed like the only thing he was good at was hurting the people close to him.

All these thoughts passed through him in an instant while he collected himself to face Min. He’d better apologize–

Min took another step forward and kissed him.