31. The call of the void (Part 3)

I sat at my desk, wrestling with my thoughts as I watched the sun set. My visit to the church this morning had left me with much to think about. 

My encounter with the girl, Silika, had left a strong impression on me, and I knew it had to be the sign I had been waiting for.

The most pressing thing on my mind, though, was what I could possibly do for that girl. Making a donation of some kind to her orphanage was the very least I could do, of course. Not only was it what Lily would have done, but it also felt as though I owed her more than money could ever afford.

And yet I found myself thinking that that wasn't quite the right thing to do as well, as if I was missing a critical piece of the puzzle.

As I mused on how I should go about that donation for the time being, or even what I could donate to make a real difference in the first place, my eyes drifted across my desk and landed on the crumpled letter still sitting where it had landed this morning.

I wonder if Alzan left it there on purpose? 

I took a deep breath and reached out for the piece of paper, unfolding it slowly as my father's writing once more came into view.

The 'impending death' he mentioned in his letters wasn't, as one might imagine, a ploy to make me go back home or anything of the sort. I knew that. It was very real, and many visitors had relayed as much to me during their passage in Evergreen. 

A disease had been endlessly assaulting my father's breathing for years now. Incurable by the sounds of it, too… 

I knew he wasn't long from this world… Soon I would have someone else to grieve, and I wanted, at the very least, to say goodbye on my own terms…

But marrying again… Just so I could say that I could produce an heir… It's impossible. I can't do it. I can't bring myself to betray Lilica like that.

My thoughts then drifted back to the young girl I had met today. The one who had allowed a clarity I had thought forever extinguished from my mind.

Silika, the deaf orphan from Plum Street… The girl who looked just like Lilica, almost as if she were our…

I straightened my back in my chair.

Silika, the girl who looked just like our child. 

Could… Could THAT be the real sign I'd been waiting for?

If I adopted her, then she would really be my daughter, then… No. No I can't do that!

Doubt invaded my mind. 

How could I be so irresponsible? Taking a child in my condition… And yet…

I stood up from my chair, nearly knocking it to the floor.

"Alzan!" I called out loudly.

I heard footsteps outside the door running down the hallways. A few seconds later, another set of footsteps quickly made its way back, and the disheveled butler entered the room.

"Yes, my lord?" Alzan asked as nonchalantly as he could, as though his shirt wasn't untucked from his trousers, and his bow missing from his neck.

"I need you to be honest with me."

"My lord, I would never dare to be otherwise…" The man began to mumble with witha chuckle as he attempted to straighten out his appearance.

"No, I need you to swear. Swear upon Seeir of your utmost honesty… And secrecy regarding what we are about to discuss." I declared seriously.

His expression shifted, obviously, he was obviously surprised by my sudden decisiveness, but was also seemingly delighted.

"My lord, your butler Alzan Carilian, here present, swears beneath the gaze of the All-Seeing Wolf that he will tell the truth and ONLY the truth and carry your words to his grave." He recited solemnly.

I sat back down in my seat and gazed at the letter in front of me once more.

"Does my father, or anyone outside this house, know of Lilica's pregnancy at the time of her death?" I finally asked him.

He shook his head.

"Apart from the doctor who visited that night, who is bound by the privacy contract of his profession, no one outside of this household was made aware of the circumstances leading up to the lady's death."

I nodded.

"So, no one ever suspected that Lilica could have been with child?" I insisted.

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

"I would struggle to position myself on that statement. It was known that the two of you were living under the same roof, but, as per your request at the time, your marital status was kept out from all correspondence… Although I would not hold myself guarantor of all the rumours that might have circulated due to this arrangement..."

"Were you aware of any such rumours regarding us?"

"My lord, with all due respect, a healthy young couple, married or not, living together, are bound to attract such rumours, but worry not, I doubt such things would ever carry any weight beyond baseless chatter." He said, seemingly a bit confused by my line of questioning.

I nodded at his response again.

"So what if I were to tell you that Lilica did, in fact, have a child? Would you believe me?"

He chuckled.

"Surely you jest, my lord. I'd have known."

I smiled at his response. Of course, he would.

"Yes, but would anyone outside of the household believe it?"

He stopped his laughter and looked at me seriously. He rubbed his chin for a moment before nodding.

"It wouldn't be outrageous to believe so, my lord. Although anyone within the household could attest to the contrary, so do not worry about such rumours." He tried to reassure me, but I shook my head.

"Oh, I'm thinking of quite the contrary, Alzan." I said as I stood up from my chair and walked to the window. 

Darkness had shrouded the world outside. All I could see was a single lamplighter making his rounds.

"Alzan, you're the closest thing to family right now, and I cannot express just how shocking what I'm about to say to you today, but I beg you to remember the oath you made in this very room tonight and the absolute secrecy it demands of you outside of these four walls…"

He nodded seriously.

"Of course, my lord. Anything you say will forever remain for my ears only."

I took a deep breath and finally let the words I had been holding in escape my lips.

"I wish to… Adopt… A daughter."

His eyes grew wide.

"My lord, you can't...!"

I raised my hand.

"I know, Alzan. An adopted child can never become Lord Ashbrook… At least, no adopted child of mine…" I felt ashamed even saying these words. 

Adopting a child amongst nobles wasn't a rare occurrence per se, but one becoming the heir to a household was nearly unheard of, let alone if the said child was of common blood.

"But this is different. That girl she… It's something one can only imagine in their wildest dream. I know what you will say to these words, but she… She looks just like Lilica… Or I should say, just like the daughter we would have brought into this world together." I said, trying my best not to sound as pathetic as I truly felt.

Alzan looked at me with an indiscernible expression.

He looked away for a moment, deep in thought. 

"Allow me?" He asked, pointing to the chair facing my desk.

"Please do." I answered as I walked back to my own chair.

He cleared his throat.

"If I'm to interpret your words correctly, my lord, and please correct me if I'm mistaken. You wish to take a child as your ward… And claim she be your, and Lady Lilica's, daughter?"

Hearing it put into words felt horrible. As though I was using the girl instead of helping her as I'd intended… 

Was I making a mistake?

"I'm not making this decision lightly. That girl… Silika, her name is. I think she saved me…? I know it's absurd, but when I looked at her, it was like it shook something loose inside of me… And I just… I want to do right by it."

I couldn't tell if I made any sense at all, but the butler seemed to be reflecting on my words seriously.

He opened his mouth.

"And this… Girl. Do you truly believe she is worth the risk, my lord? You do understand the consequences of the deception you wish to perpetuate?"

His words stung, but I knew they were fair.

"This isn't deception, Alzan. It's… It's making things right. For me, for that girl… For Father." I tried to explain.

He went silent once again. Weighing my words.

"And you would have me help you in 'making things right'?"

"I'm not demanding it, Alzan. I'm asking you, as a friend, as family. Should I or should I not do this?"

He took a deep breath as he considered my words. Alzan had been at the service of my family for decades, longer than I'd even been alive. I wasn't exaggerating when I claimed him to be as close as family to me. 

Yes, he was at the service of the household first, but a man of his age could have retired comfortably years ago.

After a long moment of tense silence, he released the air from his lungs and spoke.

"My lord, if I may be frank, I believe this is the most absolutely insane, irresponsible and downright absurd thing I've ever heard you suggest…" He said his eyes crinkled in a serious expression

His words stung like a thousand needles, perhaps it was a mistake after all…

"...And yet, I can't help myself but feel drawn to all insane, irresponsible and downright absurd things. They are fundamentally what makes an old man, such as I, find meaning in this strange and confusing world." He continued as his expression relaxed.

I shook my head.

"But what if I'm wrong? What if I end up using her or hurting her?" I asked him, voicing the uncertainty in my heart.

"Are you planning to?" He said, with an almost surprised tone.

"Of course not!"

"Then why are you asking for my opinion?" He replied with a shrug.

I looked at him, dumbfounded. He continued.

"My lord, if there is one thing I've learned in all my years is that the only opinion that matters is your own. If you can sleep at night, just how bad could that decision have been?"

His words echoed in my head as I looked at him.

"What if I can sleep tonight, but never another one after?"

He smiled in his usual wide smile.

"Then it is a lesson you will remember for the rest of your days."

He let out a chuckle.

"And I guess that would make you no different to most parents out in the world."

He slapped his knees and stood from his seat. 

"If it is wisdom regarding children you seek from me, you shan't get any, my lord. I'm but a humble servant. When you say jump, I say how high, and when you ask me if you should adopt a daughter, I ask you: when should I have her room readied, my lord?"

He then cleared his throat  and spoke with the most decorum he could muster.

"Now then, when should I expect this daughter home, My lord?"