[Mad Tiger] Chapter 35

I found Sasuke sitting by the pond. That classic blank stare. Dark circles under his eyes. His skin looked so pale it was almost translucent. Apparently, he’d been “sick” and skipped that class trip too—though in his case, he stayed home instead of tagging along with Naruto’s misery squad.

Ever since I regained my memory, I’d been chewing over the finer details of this world’s timeline. During the anime, I never paid much attention to the gossip, but now it hit me—those whispers among classmates. If I remembered right, Sasuke lost his entire clan three or four years before the story began. That’s enough time for even the nosiest villagers to stop talking about it, right? I mean, sure, Konoha’s small, but it’s not that small. But here? It’s like everyone just got the memo yesterday. That confirmed it—I’d landed smack in the middle of the canon timeline. Only this time, I was here. And while I wasn’t planning to save the world, I was going to make life a little less miserable for two important kids. That much, I could handle.

I padded over to Sasuke and brushed against his leg. He was crouched in the grass, chin resting on his knees.

“Hey. Hello? Earth to broody ninja?” I called, but he didn’t budge. “C’mon, pet me already—don’t waste a good opportunity.”

I tapped his leg with my paw for emphasis. Good thing I’d stuffed my face earlier at the Inuzuka compound, because trying to communicate with local zombies on an empty stomach would’ve been impossible. Speaking of food, I had no idea what Sasuke ate—or if he ate. Mental note: investigate the kid’s diet. Who’s bringing him instant ramen packets? Somebody’s gotta be.

After what felt like an eternity, he finally blinked and looked down at me. His dark eyes showed no recognition, no curiosity. Nothing. Rude! Ignoring me? Me, the most majestic cat in all of Konoha? Not on my watch.

“I don’t have anything for you,” Sasuke said flatly.

Oh, you little—! I let out an offended huff that would’ve made even a Sharingan user jealous. Fine, time for Plan B. I went full “adorable idiot,” rubbing my forehead against his hand like I was desperate. His fingers twitched, and finally, finally, he petted me. See? Neko-therapy works wonders. I cranked up my purring engine and climbed onto his scrawny knees when he stretched his legs out. By the way, he was wearing shorts. In October. I mean, sure, it’s not exactly a blizzard, but come on, dude—this isn’t a spring picnic. Put some pants on!

I curled up and dozed off almost instantly. Well, technically, I was “thinking deeply” about how to help this poor traumatized kid. But, y’know, multitasking.

Eventually, Sasuke shifted. It was dark by then. He’d just been sitting there, sometimes barely touching me. I’d been working my charm—stretching, tilting my head, doing all the cute cat moves. Got so into it I nearly rolled off his knees. Classic.

When he got up, he carefully set me aside and headed toward the village. Probably home. I thought about Naruto’s leftover potatoes and instant ramen stash. Tonight, I’d focus on Sasuke. Time to earn my “World’s Most Overworked Therapy Cat” badge.

No kidding, I really am the Figaro of Konoha— Figaro here, Figaro there, and everywhere. I’d been running myself ragged all week! My thieving skills hadn’t hit level 80 yet, but I was making progress with Sasuke. He actually started showing emotions when he saw me. Plus, he gave me a name. Yeah. Five days, tops.

I’d learned a few things: Sasuke barely slept, woke up ridiculously early to train before school, and ate at some tea shop near his new apartment. Not that he enjoyed it—he ate like it was just another chore. But lately, he’d started bringing me snacks when he visited the pond. Progress! Naruto, on the other hand, seemed to irritate Sasuke on instinct. Every time they saw each other, it turned into a mini smackdown. Yesterday, they almost fought for real. I saw it from a tree—Sasuke’s eyes actually lit up for a moment. I nearly fell off my branch out of sheer joy. But then, nope. Back to dead inside. He huffed and walked off, leaving Naruto to face the wrath of every girl in class.

“Hey, Choco-chan,” Sasuke greeted me when I showed up at the pond again.

Choco. As in chocolate. Not sure if I prefer that over “Brat,” (Namaiki) which is what Naruto calls me. Decisions, decisions.

Turns out Naruto’s birthday was October 10th—he just turned twelve. A couple days earlier, the surveillance on him was finally lifted, and my little chick decided to celebrate. His big plan? Drumroll, please! Roast potatoes over a campfire. I was thrilled—finally, a way to get Naruto and Sasuke in the same place without them killing each other. I even raided my secret stash and brought three prime potatoes for the occasion.

Naruto’s eyes went comically wide when he saw me. He probably thought I was some kind of magical cat who conjured food out of thin air. Gotta keep the mystique alive.

“You wanna roast these too, Namaiki-chan?” he asked, catching on quick.

I nudged the potatoes out of my carrier bag with dramatic flair. Yep, let’s do this.

Naruto grabbed his backpack. “So, should I take everything?”

I shook my head and smacked the bag so the potatoes tumbled out like fireworks. Ta-da! Birthday magic.

Leaving the carrier behind, I led him to the pond. Sasuke was already there—I could smell him. Perfect timing. I steered Naruto down a side path to avoid tipping him off to my plan. The pond was huge; plenty of room for everyone.

Naruto dropped his bag. “Nice spot, Namaiki-chan. Good choice. But we need firewood…”

I nodded and parked myself on the supplies. Guard duty. Meanwhile, Sasuke watched from behind a rock. I knew he could see us perfectly. Naruto wandered off to gather sticks and came back with an armful of dry branches. Fifteen minutes later, we had a crackling fire. Success!

While Naruto got things ready, I slunk over to the water. Big, fat fish swam lazily near the surface. Hmm… could I pull off a bear smacking salmon move? Time to find out.

Ahhhh! I’m so awesome!

The big ol’ fish I hooked under the gills with my claws flopped out of the water like a gymnast, did a dramatic flip, and slammed onto the riverbank with a splat. Pure instinct kicked in—I pounced and pinned it with both paws, screaming my fuzzy little head off for someone to come rescue me from this squirming, muscular menace.

A quick glance around revealed that Uzumaki was nowhere to be seen. Off gathering more firewood, probably. Typical. But wait—here comes Sasuke, running toward me!

Never one to miss a chance to look cool, the guy swooped in and helped me wrestle the beast. And, of course, he had a kunai on him.

Just as I started to breathe a sigh of relief, I realized the situation we were in. Sasuke, kunai in hand, crouched awkwardly over me and the fish in what could only be described as an award-winning “Did you pray tonight, Desdemona?” pose. And wouldn’t you know it—Naruto bursts onto the scene right at that moment.

The kid froze, eyes wide, as if he’d just walked in on a soap opera.

“Y-YOU!” Naruto shouted, jabbing an accusatory finger at Sasuke. “What were you trying to do to my Namaiki-chan?!”

Sasuke’s mouth opened, then closed, then opened again as he slowly turned to me like, “Wait... is this really happening?”

“Hey, I caught that!” I declared, puffing out my chest and slapping a paw onto the still-wriggling fish. No way was I letting this drama distract them from my amazing hunting skills. Potatoes alone weren’t gonna cut it, okay?

Naruto’s attention snapped to the fish, and his eyes went even wider.

“WHOA! That’s HUGE!” he yelled. “Wait... you’re telling me you caught that?”

“No, it was the cat,” Sasuke muttered, tilting his head like he was trying to figure out how any of this made sense.

“And I wasn’t even talking to you, Uchiha,” Naruto shot back, crossing his arms in an exaggerated huff. “I was talking to my cat!”

Well, this was getting out of hand. Time to deploy some tactical cuteness. I purred loudly and rubbed against Sasuke’s leg like the sneaky little manipulator I am.

“Hn. What if it’s my cat?” Sasuke quipped, smirking just enough to provoke Naruto.

I bit Sasuke’s finger lightly to remind him who’s in charge here. Gotta keep these kids in line somehow. A little stick, a little carrot, y’know? Speaking of carrots—or rather, fish—could I pull this off a second time?

“Watch!” Sasuke snapped at Naruto, pointing as I padded back to the water’s edge.

No room for failure now. I took my time, focused, and—

“WHOA! Catch it! Catch it!” Naruto shrieked, jumping up and down. “Namaiki-chan, you’re amazing!”

Well, duh. Of course, I’m amazing. I mean, sure, I can’t sew or knit, but fishing? Turns out I’m a natural. Within minutes, another fish flopped onto the shore, and I could already spot more lurking nearby.

As the great philosopher Cat Matroskin (1) once said, “Teamwork brings people together.” The boys got right to work—Sasuke knocked out the fish with a swift kunai strike, and Naruto enthusiastically helped clean them. After some awkward attempts to act like they weren’t totally bonding, Naruto invited Sasuke to roast the fish and potatoes together. Surprisingly, Sasuke didn’t decline.

I made myself comfy between them as we ate, pretending to “steal” bites right out of their hands. Naturally, they played along, cooling chunks of food for me before “losing” them to my daring heist.

“You realize that Choco... uh, Namaiki-chan used chakra to catch those fish, right?” Sasuke asked out of nowhere, breaking the cozy silence as we all leaned back, stuffed and satisfied. “How long have you even known this cat?”

Naruto frowned thoughtfully, staring at me like I was some kind of mystery to solve. Great. Just what I needed—these two bonding over trying to figure me out my awesomeness.

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• The cat character from the classic Russian children’s novella “Uncle Fedya, His Dog, and His Cat,” and its popular cartoon adaptation, “Three from Prostokvashino.”