[M4F] Script: Hull Breach

<Jakz> No way man, I don’t believe it.

<Tor> You uh… You don’t believe what?

<Jakz> I don’t think it’s possible.

<Tor> What? You’re… you’re eating it right now, why don’t you think it’s possible?

<Jakz> You mean to tell me, that a shrimp fried this rice?

<Tor> …. Every time you open your mouth, I grow more concerned by the fact that you built this spaceship.

<Jakz> To imagine they’d go so far as to cook their own family into the food too. That’s metal, don’t get me wrong, but damn. What absolute mad lads. I mean, maybe not though! I don’t even have a family, who am I to say? Maybe I’d make goblin fried rice if I did. Do people do that too? Did you cook your family?

<Tor> Jakz! You can’t just ask her if she cooked her family! That’s cannibalism!

<Jakz> …. I think you’ve been spending too much time around Pravum, big man. Big words are for tiny thoughts. Why use many word, when few word do trick?

<Tor> Alright, I’m going to bed.

(alarm starts to sound)

<APEX> Warning. Destroyer class signal detected.

<Jakz> Oh boy. That’s not good.

<Tor> What uh… Haven’t they been following us for a while?

<Jakz> Oh yeah. Weeks. Months. I actually don’t know how long it’s been.

<APEX> It has been exactly -

<Jakz> Not now! I was talkin! So, as I was saying. Who really knows. Time is a mystery, right? But, it’s been ever since we picked up that girl.

<Tor> You’re talking as if she isn’t sitting right next to you.

<Jakz> Oh. Yeah, you. You’re so quiet, I sometimes forget you’re there.

<Tor> So, why the alarm then?

<Jakz> Heh. Uh… well, you see. I set up an alert to warn us when they’re uh… a little too close.

<Tor> What does that mean?

<Jakz> Like. A few minutes away close.

<Tor> A few… a few minutes? You have an alarm to alert us when a fucking destroyer is a FEW MINUTES away? Jakz, a few minutes away is within firing range. We could literally be killed at any second. Is that what you’re telling me.

<Jakz> Okay, first of all - well, I mean yes, we totally could, they got some big guns on that thing, and if I’m being honest, they could have poofed us into a lil red mist - is your blood even red? - like three hours ago -

<Tor> What?!

<Jakz> BUT! They didn’t! Right? It was like a lil hypothesis I had -

<Tor> About our lives?

<Jakz> I mean, yeah, sure, why not. But, look, we’re still here, yeah? The cannons on that monster space co— erm, ship, are so big that nothing would be left of us. Nadda. So like I said, that would have been said and done three hours ago, but it didn’t! It wasn’t? Is that proper grammar? But, it’s prolly cause they want something here. Either you, miss quiet, or that crystal.

<Tor> And now they’re a few minutes away.

<Jakz> and now they’re a few minutes away.

<APEX> And now they are a few minutes away.

<Tor> Oh my god, shut up.

<Jakz> Oh my go- okay, yeah, I won’t do that, sorry. (listener speaks) Huh? What ah, what do you mean “what are we going to do about it”?

<Tor> I mean, she’s got a point. If they’re a few minutes away, what *are* we going to do?

<Jakz> Oh. Yeah, uh…

<Tor> The engine still isn’t fixed, is it?

<Jakz> Perfection takes time.

<Tor> It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to work.

<Jakz> Yeah, that’s how low my bar is for perfection at this point in life.

<Tor>... Okay, that’s fair I guess, but also doesn’t help the situation.

<Jakz> No, not really.

<Tor> So, we’re stuck here. Till they arrive and board us.

<Jakz> Uh… Yeah. *pause while listener speaks* Listen, woman! I’ve always got a plan, okay? What do I look like to you, someone who just makes things up as they go along? Ah! That was rhetorical! You weren’t supposed to answer that!

<Tor> Alright then, little man, what’s the plan, huh? Cause if the engine isn’t fixed now, there is no way it will be within a few minutes, right?

<Jakz> Yeah, no shot. So, I was gunna go down, grab some mallets, play the xylophone on Cid’s ribcage, and sing a song about the time he lost the battle of Morella or something.

(Listener gawks, and starts to laugh)

<Tor> Shh! Shut the fuck up! Do you want him to hear us? I know he phrased that like a joke, but if the sack of bones heard that, we might actually be dead before EPA finds us.

(Listener responds)

<Jakz> Why? Why?! Have you ever talked to Cid?

<Tor> He uh… gets “very excited” if you imply that he’s ever lost a battle. Takes a lot to talk him down from wrecking everything in sight so he can prove it to you.

(Listener responds)

<Jakz> I mean, yeah, it’s true, he’s never lost a fight once. But, like, there’s a big difference between one army fighting another, or, a small squad of us misfits taking on like, a couple dozen tiny ships or some other smaller number of angry dudes, compared to uh… well, a whole-ass EPA destroyer, packed full with trained soldiers. I’m sure he could do some damage, don’t get me wrong, but those tin cans tend to have a seemingly limitless supply of… well, uh, everything, honestly. If we thought there was even a sliver of taking them on, we would have tried it for fun from the start.

*loud ass boom noise*

<APEX> Pardon the interruption, but it seems that EPA has stopped replying to the Rick Roll DDOS attack that you requested I send each time they attempt to open communication with us. They have begun the boarding process. Our ship is immobile, and the hull is being breached at the front and rear. With significant damage, our own internal communication may suffer, and I may be unable to provide support or updates.

<Jakz> Damn, they’re really gunna double-stuff us, huh? I thought that was my thing. Well, off to find some mallets I go.

<Tor> Wait, you weren’t joking about that?

<Jakz> I mean, what else am I gunna do, huh? I don’t mean to damped the mood, but things ain’t lookin so good. I gotta work fast man, if I wanna work at all.

(Jakz leaves)

<Tor> What do we do? Why are you asking me?

Well, I don’t know either! I’m not the one with the brains on the ship!

I….. Alright, alright, let me think. Like Jakz said, they would have just blown us up if there wasn’t something they wanted, right? That’s either you, or the crystal.

I know, you’ve said that every single day. So, if that’s true, and you’re not really that important to them, then it’s that crystal, right? It can’t be anything else. That means, if they take it, then there’s no reason why they won’t just blow us up.

Right, we can’t let them get it, or that’ll be it. It’s pretty safe where it is now, but… If what Jakz said is right, they’ll be able to swarm the whole place. They’d find it eventually if they tear the ship apart.

Okay, I go get it, and then what? A nine-foot-tall brute is a bit more obvious than a crystal the size of your fist.

Hide where? I just said, they’ll dissect this metal tube piece by piece if they have to.

You’re insane. That’s like something Jakz would say, before laughing hysterically, and then pulling out some new invention and saying “just kidding, this will do it for us”. Do you know how dumb it is to try to “sneak” on board their ship? Do I look like someone who does a lot of “sneaking”?

Yeah, sure it’s massive. I’m sure there’s plenty of places to hide. But there’s only two openings, remember? There is no chance we’re making it through one of those unnoticed.

…There’s no chance we’d make it here either though, sitting around, waiting, right?

*Growls* Alright, fine. I… can’t really think of anything else. *sigh* One step at a time, I guess. I’ll go grab the crystal. You… stay safe and don’t die, I guess.

*Door closes as Tor leaves*

*another loud boom. Faint alarm sounding*

<EPA Soldier> *faintly* Arms ready! Shoot anything that moves!

This room’s clear, move on to the next!

VIS signatures are below, squads 2 and 4, go investigate and prepare for resistance.

Room 4 is clear! Prepare to breach the next one!

<APEX> *Voice crackling* Hello. It appears that you are sitting still, and waiting. While this may be because you are expecting to be rescued by EPA as they board the ship, the fact that they have just been ordered to “shoot anything that moves” makes me believe otherwise. Are you, perhaps, waiting around to die?

Ah, yes, my mistake. I see that by raising your voice, you are in fact, not waiting, but rather, trying to die quickly.

I am fully aware of what Tor said. I am also aware of all the lifeforms on board this ship, and will inform you that the EPA soldiers will reach this room well before Tor returns, based on their current movement patterns.

I am not telling you to do anything. Except, perhaps, that if I was wrong in my original assumption that you were waiting to die, and you do, in fact, care for your life, that you should stop walking towards the door of the room, as the sound of it opening will alert the already nearby soldiers.

That is true, there is only one door to the room. However, on a space ship, if the only ventilation for a room were the door, you would risk suffocation if that door were to remain closed for too long.

I am not trying to give you a science lesson. I am trying to hint at the fact that there are other ways to exit this room, aside from the door. However, since you seem to be oblivious to that - and in this case, perhaps you would like to use the excuse of your panicked state of mind - I will be a bit more blunt. On the wall to your left, in the corner and close to the ceiling, is a ventilation shaft. While designed to only move air throughout the vessel, it is large enough for you to fit inside. Luckily for you, Jakz enjoys using these ventilation shafts to move throughout the ship, and often leaves them unfastened and easy to remove. Judging by your height, you should be able to reach it, by pulling a chair against the wall.

*sound of chair scraping the floor?*

*Metal clang, door locking*

I have just locked the door to this room, for your own safety. The EPA soldiers have one more room to clear, before they arrive at the one you are in now. I have estimated that it will take anywhere from thirty seconds to one minute, before they are inside.

<EP> Prepare to breach the room! Explosive charge set!

*metal grate moving, maybe footsteps on metal? IDK this sounds kinda like sound effect hell, so I’ll just try to make it work*

*explosion goes off, soldiers shouting inside*

<EPA> Room is clear! The human signature must have moved.

*moment of silence*

<APEX> *voice crackling even worse* If you sit there, you will be waiting to die once again.

<EPA> Who the hell are you talking to, you dumb AI?

<APEX> Technically, I am talking to both of you. If you do wait in this room forever, it is inevitable that you will die, as all humans do. However, to the other that could be listening, I suggest turning to your right, passing by three places that you could exit, before turning to your left, and then exiting.

<EPA> What do you think you’re doing? Trying to direct us around your own ship?

<APEX> And I suggest you do so very quickly.

<EPA> Wait a minute… why’s the chair up against… Squad 6! I’ve got the human, they’ve entered the vent system in room 5.

<EPA 2> You sure? I’m not reading anything.

<EPA> Do you hear that? They’re on the move!

<EPA 2> Shit, send an update, I’ll get in there after them!

<APEX> *voice failing now* If you manage to follow my instructions correctly, you will land just outside the EPA ship. If you move quickly enough, you will be able to slip by undetected, due to - *cuts out*

*oh please oh please say I can do it: sound effects of someone crawling in a vent*

<EPA> I see them, they’re up ahead! Get your ass back here! *audio turning as character does, right and then after a bit, left* Gah, they’re fast, damnit. Come on, almost got you!

*exit vents*

<EPA> What, you think getting out of the vent will mean you’re free? *sound of them landing?* Come on, where are you gunna go now, huh? *voice starts to fade* Run as much as you want! You’re on our ship, you can’t get away!

(listener definitely gets away)

*all sound starts to fade away, distant running of feet fades, etc. Then, Tor time*

*low growl from Tor, and then the sounds of him approaching the listener*

<Tor> I should have guessed. *voice gradually approaching*

No wonder you were so pushy about me leaving to grab that crystal. You had a plan all along, didn’t you? I bet you told them too, huh? They just let you walk right in, no questions, didn’t they? Safe and sound, back where you belong. I always knew you were hiding something.

Backing up, huh? Still trying to get away? Were you expecting I’d be stuck on that ship? Left at the mercy of your friends? They really gave me a warm welcome. Do you want to know how I thanked them for it? Do you want me to show you?

*voice starts to recede, but Tor easily catches up*

Your mouth keeps blabbering, but I can’t understand one fucking word. Are you trying to play dumb again? You know there’s no way you can outrun me. Go on, step around the corner, try to hide in the dark. I don’t need to see you to know exactly where you are. Have you never heard that a reptile can sense your heat? Your pulse is so high that your body stands out like a flare to me, even from all the way on the other ship.

*door closes, and then a chuckle*

Oh, how cute, you think a door can stop me? A nice, thick, metal barricade between you and the monster?

*bang of metal breaking*

Wrong again. Got you.

*chuckle again/growl*

You should have tried fighting back sooner. Maybe think of grabbing a gun off the wall when you pass them by next time. But, I’ll let you in on a little secret: that won’t do much better than you are right now, trying to pry my hand off your waist. You just watched me tear steel in half, what makes you think you can break my grip?

You’ve got to get better at thinking these things through. If I hadn’t cleared the whole hall of the soldiers chasing you, I’m really not sure how far you would have made it.

*chuckle* Of course I stopped them. When APEX told me where you were headed, I had a feeling you wouldn’t make it very far alone. If we ever get out of this shit show, you’re due for a long fucking lesson on how to live as a wanted criminal.

*laugh* Kill you? Are you kidding me? What, did you think I was being serious? *laughs* Who else is gunna roll their eyes when Jakz starts one of his rants? No, I just wanted to shake you up a bit and watch you run.

Part 2 (all Tor?)

At first, I thought I’d just give you a bit of a jump scare, but when your little cunt started to heat up *chuckle* I just couldn’t really help myself. What kind of a slut starts running away from a threat and thinks “maybe if they catch me, they’ll tear my clothes off and split my pussy in half with their cock”?

You’re a fucking freak, you know that?

*laugh* Shut up, and don’t look at me like that. I was created in a test tube: freak is a term of endearment for me.

But you know EPA wouldn’t do that, don’t you? Their instinct is always to shoot first.

*chuckle* No, you weren’t caught by them, that’s true. Lucky you. Instead, you were caught by some big, hulking brute, who can smell each drip from your holes for miles. And when I do catch a whiff of you, my instincts are a bit different.

*laugh* Don’t you close those legs. What? Are you embarrassed? With all the filthy fucking thoughts that go through your head, being pinned to the wall is the one that makes you blush? Do you want me to put you back down?

*laugh* What was that? It sounded like a squeak. You might look small with my hand around your waist, but you’re no mouse. That would be too delicate; I’d be worried about hurting it.

No? No what? No I shouldn’t be worried? *closer* Or no, you want me to pin you to the wall?

Both *laugh* alright, I’ll believe you. In that case, I’ll just pull you up *grunts* here.

You look confused. Is it because you’re a little too high for my waist to reach you? Maybe I just wanted to look you in the eyes… while I start to tear your pants apart. *ripping sounds*

Or maybe, it’s because I remember how tight of a fit you were last time, and as much as you like being filled, I don’t actually want to tear a hole in you…. And prefer my food a little warmed up, anyway.

Hmmm, it doesn’t look like you can spread your legs very far like that though. I guess I can’t blame you, you’re already hanging a few feet above the ground. Well, I can hold one of them apart with my free hand… The other one… My tail can reach. It might squeeze a bit, trying to hold your thigh in place like that, but just think of it as a really thick rope. Plus, you like being constricted anyway, don’t you?

You’re right, then I don’t have either hand free to “warm you up” with. Didn’t you hear when I called you my food though? I don’t taste with my hands. Anyone else, and their little tongues wouldn’t be enough to start stretching and preparing that tight little cunt for what’ll come later, but luckily for you, I’m not anyone else, and looking at how much that mound is glistening, I think we’re both interested in seeing just how far I can reach, while my mouth locks around your crotch. Aren’t you?

Good girl. Then stay still, and don’t move around too much. My teeth were made for crushing through bone; you might hurt yourself.

*licking noises start*

If you’re going to shudder like that before my tongue’s even inside of you, you’re in for a fucking ordeal. What else am I supposed to do? You’ve just been getting wetter and wetter with each second; I have to clean up what’s already here, before I go digging into you for more.

*chuckle* Which, if you keep leaking like this, will take me forever.

Oh well, I never have been a patient one, have I?

*tentacle hentai sounds (only partially a joke)??? But also, muffled speech*

Clenching around my tongue isn’t going to let it get very deep, you know. That’s only, what, an inch? And you’re already squirming and thrusting your hips around? You really don’t know how long my tongue is, do you? I can slide it in deeper. And deeper.

Have you ever had a tongue as deep into you as a cock can reach? It’s a bit more flexible, isn’t it? Can’t you feel me, flicking around, back and forth? Rubbing at this blub of a g spot, as if it was your clit? This is barely halfway though, you shaking mess.

What’s making you moan so much? Is it how my tongue widens as it gets closer to the base? Or is it how I expand and contract it? You are being really fucking loud though. Don’t you remember where we are? What if someone hears?

If you can’t shut yourself up, I’ll do it myself. I don’t want to move my head though, so let me just… slide my tail a bit further around your leg… and free up the end of it. There we go. *chuckle* Does this look enough like a toy for you? Something to fill up your mouth with, so you won’t scream when I shove my mouth all the way up this cunt? Oh no, you’re not going to just cautiously lick at it. *grunts* There, that’s better. I’m not using it to get off; I’m using it to gag you, slut. Plus, I know how much you love feeling filled up.

It sounds like you’re trying to be even louder. Does gagging on a shaft turn you on that much? Having something push into your mouth, while this quivering fucking pussy is getting stretched out? Maybe this was the right way to warm up a beast in heat like yourself.

With the way your hips are buckling, and how wet this hole is, I can’t even tell if you’ve cum, or you’re so turned on that it can’t stop. But I don’t want to use up all your energy. This is the warm up, remember? I think you’re getting a little too involved for it.

*chuckle* Don’t look at me like that, you needly little thing. Just cause I’m pulling my tongue out doesn’t mean this mound is staying empty. And don’t try to hold my tail in; you can’t get any cum out of that. It’s not like you’ll keep moaning, so you don’t need it anymore. Not right now, at least.

So let’s just lower you down a little bit. Isn’t this where you wanted to be at first? Your legs spread, right in front of my waist? Mmmm, but those wide eyes tell me that you’ve seen what you want. Don’t you agree that you needed a little warming up first? That this little rubber cunt had to get stretched out, stress-tested? *growls* Well, we’ll see if it was enough, won’t we? Maybe I should cover up your mouth first, in case you do scream. My cock is a lot bigger than my tongue, but you’ve taken it before, and the only thing it seemed to break was your brain. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Won’t you?

That’s what I like to hear.

*let the fuckening commence*

Well, that wasn’t really a scream, but you sound like you’re really not going to shut up. I guess I only need one hand to bounce you off my cock. The other one can go right around this neck; I only need my thumb to go in your mouth, since you’re such a filthy fucking whore, you’ll suck on anything apparently. And I love that.

Fuck, you’re still so damn tight, I can’t even fit it in all the way. *chuckle* Not that you’d notice. How does it feel? Like you’re getting fisted, and someone’s pushing their whole fucking hand into you? No, it’s better than that, isn’t it? My cock’s shaped a little better for reaching those sensitive spots. You don’t have to tell me that; the way your eyes are rolling back says it for you.

Well, if this is as deep as your pussy will go, there’s no point in trying to stuff it past the limit, right? I’ll just have to hold you here, like I’m jacking off with a fucking toy in my hand. *chuckle* But you’re better than a toy, aren’t you? Mmmm, the way you’re reaching for my chest, grabbing at my arms. You know, the way you moan out with the rhythm of every thrust is pretty fucking hot.

But maybe I can go deeper, if I get both hands around your waist, and really push you down onto that. You’ll be back to moaning and screaming though. I know you don’t wanna let the whole damn ship know we’re here, but it’ll happen, and I don’t think you can really hold it in at this point.

What are you reaching for? My face? Why? It’s not like…. *chuckle* Well, actually I guess I can keep you quiet with that, can’t I? What, do you want to try to taste yourself off my tongue? Or, after feeling how far up that breeding mound of yours it went, you want to feel me shove it down your throat too?

Alright, I’ll hold you a bit closer. Just be careful when you try to kiss back, remember how sharp my teeth are? *laugh* That nod was too enthusiastic. Come here, then.

(kissing noses start too)

You really are trying to taste my tongue, aren’t you? Be careful you don’t pass out; you’re heaving with each pump, like you have to push the air out to make room for more of my shaft. The way you’re trying to suck my tongue down though… Is that what you really want? To just feel as filled up as possible? You know there’s still one more hole.

*chuckle* Well, that whimper’s all I need to hear. I thought I was going to have to remind you that my tail’s still covered in your spit, but the way you’re bucking back, you don’t really seem to care what’ll get shoved up your ass, do you? Just as long as something’s in there, slamming in and out as well?

Alright, you wild fucking thing, let’s see *grunt* just how much you can take, if you’re so intent on going till you break.

My cock really makes it hard to push even the tip of my tail in. Your ass clenches each time I hit your cervix too. There it goes. Fuck, I can feel myself in your cunt like this. Oh well, if it can’t go in that far, I can just twist it around at the opening.

Fuck, you feel so good. I’m not sure how much longer I can last… but I don’t know if that matters. With how much you’re shaking, it looks like being filled up even more might make you pass out. Don’t you remember how it felt last time? The fact that you could feel it? With a cock like this, it’s not some small little spurt; your aching, sore pussy was leaking my seed everywhere. You’ll be feeling it running down your legs for hours… if you’ll even be able to stand back up today. It feels like your legs gave out a while ago. They’ve just been loosely bouncing around my hips. Are you just holding on at this point? The last of your strength making sure you don’t let go, so that you can keep getting fucked? How much more can you take? Can you even hear what I’m saying? Your eyes are just rolled back at the ceiling, you fucking whore. Is this what ignorant bliss actually means?

Fuck, that’s it. Even if you’re struggling to move, your cunt works just fine. Maybe you did hear what I said, cause it feels like you’re trying to fucking milk every last drop out. Is that what you want? Even your ass is clenching up. That’s it…

*improv to finish, hurray*

Fuck… Hold on… Don’t let go quite yet, you’ll fall to the fucking floor. There… *chuckle* Maybe I should sit down too… Your legs aren’t the only ones shaking.

Well… I’ll just assume no one heard that, since we’re still alone. It could have been a very rude interruption. Maybe we’ll just stay put for a bit; I don’t think I’m in much of a state to fight again for a while.

I’d ask if you’re alright, but that smile on your face says enough, I think.

Part 3:

*sound of metal scraping on metal. Jakz’s voice fading in*

<Jakz> Oh jesus fuck, shut up, will you? I was born with little legs, doing more cardio wouldn’t help with jack shit right now, okay? Plus, it won’t change the fact that you weigh like fifty fuckin pounds right now....Yeah, yeah, I get it, I wasn’t “born”, okay, whatever. Look, the more you talk, the more breath I waste on talking, and the less I have for walkin!..... Okay, fine, true, I don’t *have* to respond, but you know how I am, damnit! You can’t keep making those comments and expect me to be quiet. Oh well, we’re almost there anyway, so soon you’ll be out of my earpiece and back in what -

(door opens and Jakz sees the other two)

• What the fuck?! Tor? And… uh… wow, that’s a lot of cum.

<Tor> Fuck! Jakz! You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that -

<Jakz> Yeah, yeah, whatever, big man. Maybe if you weren’t in a post-nut coma, you would have heard me complaining for the past half hour! No wonder this was such a shit show, do you have any idea how hard it was to get out of there?

<Tor> Hey! What else was I supposed to do when everyone ran away and disappeared? I did my part and cleared enough of those soldiers.

<Jakz> Oh, you sure cleared something out. You uh, you alive down there? Or, has dehydration and overstimulation taken another victim? Oh well, I’m alive, you’re alive, she’s uh… well, breathing at least. Dunno about the others, but I got what matters most.

<Tor> What matters most? What’s that, the crystal?

<Jakz> No, numb nuts, you were supposed to grab the crystal. This big fuckin box was the only thing I could download APEX onto. I hope the file transfer went fine; do you have any idea how much storage space goes into a full AI? I didn’t have time to check anything over, for all I know half his memory could be gone. The way he’s been talkin to me sure seems like it. I guess that’s normal though.

<Jakz> Oh, you are alive! Well, considering cock-zilla over here risked his own… do lizards have hides? Oh well, I guess it’s worth it. The others… should be able to take care of themselves. I hope. Not actually too sure, but the sooner we plug this beefy mofo in, the sooner we’ll know. Come on Tor, grab em or something! My arms feel like noodles man, and I had to leave all the ramen behind.

<Tor> What am I supposed to do with it?

<Jakz> Give him a little lullaby while you violently shake em awake. You wait, damn it! You hold the fuckin box and wait till I rip out some cables that we can use. Sheesh man, what, you cum out your brains too?

<Tor> So, you don’t want me to shake it?

<Jakz> No! That could seriously damage him! Just, I dunno, follow me around like some annoying animal and wait till I tell you to put it down.

(Jakz mumbling about some cables, and then electrical tearing sounds)

<Jakz> Here! Alright, you can put it there, this might take a little bit.

<Tor> So uh… Why this room? Were you trying to follow me?

<Jakz> After you dicked off, literally it seems? Pffft, fuck no, I was trying to find a server room. I’m sure they all look the same to you, so it’s kind of a weird coincidence I guess.

<Tor> It sounds like you’re a bit upset about the whole thing.

<Jakz> Tor! I am literally the scrawniest, smallest fuckin dude on the whole ass ship. Even she has more muscle than I do. My skin isn’t literal armor, and my mind can’t deflect bullets! One lil “pew pew” that I don’t see coming, and I’m toast! I’ve been pissing myself the whole damn way over here cause everyone else ditched! Of course I’m “a bit upset about the whole thing”!

<Tor> Well, I uh…

<Jakz> Oh no, I get. Sure. Just had to go and make sure she was fine, didn’t you?

<Tor> Who else was going to?

<Jakz>.... Well I don’t know! But next time maybe throw me over a shoulder before you go?

<Tor> Alright, I’m sorry, Jakz.

<Jakz> *huff* Yeah, okay, whatever. I’m alive, so I guess it’s fine. Gimme one sec. This isn’t making as much sense as it should, so I think it’s the point where I just push the button and pray.

*some random electrical noises*

*short silence*

<Jakz> Uh…. APEX? You uh… You make it okay?

<APEX> Greetings. I am your new AI system: Ape ox. How may I be of assistance?

<Jakz> Ape ox? What the fuck? Who are you, and what kind of a shitty name is that?

<APEX> One that I hoped would be a poor enough choice to both be disappointing, and also obviously a joke. Welcome back, Jakz. My systems are decrypting the files on board this ship, but I appear to be fully functional and unaltered.

<Jakz> Welcome back? Whadda ya mean, you were the one who disappeared for a bit.

*the sounds start*

<Tor> APEX, what’s the status for the others? Are they alright?

<Jakz> Wait, hold on. What did you say?

Yeah, you on the floor. Miss no-pants.

… What uh… what do you mean what are those sounds? What sounds?

<Tor> Oh boy. Well, I guess that answers my question for one of the other four.

<Asmo> I have assumed direct control.

<Jakz> Oh holy shit, uh, wow, okay. Uhm. APEX, I’m gunna need a real fast diagnostic of their FTL drive, and maybe a schematic of how to get there ASAP. I have a bad feeling about this.

<Tor> Well, since he wont’ answer you: that was the captain of the ship. Our ship, not EPA’s. That was Asmo, as in Asmodeus. When he really needs to, he can communicate though… ah… means other than the comm system.

<Asmo> Their numbers are too great. We cannot hold them back. I have one option.

<Jakz> Oh fuck me, that’s what I was afraid of. APEX! APEXAPEXAPEXAPEX!

<APEX> I do not think these calculations will be completed in time, Jakz. However, regardless of the outcome of an FTL jump, I suggest we brace ourselves. In the event that their drive falls apart, we will be torn into molecular dust in a matter of seconds. In the event that it succeeds, we will have a bigger dilemma to face.

<Tor> Hmmm? Oh, ah… Yeah, a bigger dilemma than death *chuckles*. I’m not sure the best way to describe it, but -

<Asmo> Obstructinum one. Commence.

<Jakz> Okay, listen up bubble-butt. Are you religious at all? Believe in heaven or hell? No, don’t answer that, it doesn’t matter, okay? Cause, either the next few seconds of your life are gunna be the last, or you’re gunna find yourself in a real fucked-up place, real fast.

*insert obstructinum 1 here*

It’ll take way too long to explain how an FTL drive works, but think of it like this: you’re swimming in a pool, okay? You dive under the water, swim a little bit, and come back up. You’ve come back up in a different spot than you dove down, right? Okay, now, imagine if when you were under the water, you went real fast. I’m talkin, dummy dumb, shouldn’t be possible to go that fast, okay? Wouldn’t you do that all the time? That’d be the best way to travel, right? There’d be no point to swim if you were on the surface, yeah?

Okay, now, imagine that the pool is outer space, okay? Right now, we’re swimming on the surface. But an FTL drive is the thing that brings a spaceship under the water, so that we can do that real fast swimming thing. Then, the FTL drive brings us back to the surface, so that we can see and breathe, and all that shit again. Okay? Follow me so far?

Okay, great. Now here’s the catch: under the water is Hell. I don’t mean it sucks, or it’s a shitty place to be. I mean it is literal, actual fucking Hell. I am talking, a whole ass different dimension with demons and fire and a lot of death and violence. It’s kind of everyone’s least favorite place to be. It’s also why we have a literal demon piloting this ship right now, cause if he wasn’t, we’d crash and burn the very second we saw that scorched shit stain of a world.

<Tor> What can we do about it? Didn’t you hear APEX? Buckle up, and get ready.