REMEMBERING OUR FIRST ORGASMS (M4F & M4M Erotic Audio Role-play 18+)
Added 2023-07-28 23:03:41 +0000 UTCAlternative M4M version because I had time, and why not!!
Hey...
Just so you know - this audio is one of the hottest scenarios I’ve ever found myself imagining. But it could be controversial if it's misunderstood, so I might need to explain the different spaces of imagination here.
-One is sharing my memory of the first time I made myself orgasm.
-Another is my curiosity about what your first time was like for you.
-Still another space of imagination is the moment you’re in right now, listening to me talk about these things and relive those feelings while I touch myself.
-And another space is the one I’m in as I record - imagining being there with you touching ourselves together and, finally, imagining bringing our bodies together.
I just thought that might need that to be clear so we can find the sexiness in being younger and discovering our bodies, without any shame in the pleasure we discovered back then, or remembering and enjoying it together now.
I just hope it’s as sexy for you as it was for me.
Smooches,
🧔🏻💜Matthew xx
[M4F] REMEMBERING OUR FIRST ORGASMS [Masturbating together] [Talking about my first time] [Encouraging you to remember yours] [JOI] [SI] [Immersive] [Meta] [Pro Binaural SFX] [Talk of] [Clit Stimulation] [Creampie] [Present tense] [Mutual Orgasms] [After care]
Comments
Matt, that was amazing. Its an interesting mix of being in the present but thinking about the past. The fear and anxiety but the need to push on and follow the feeling. Very sweet and at the same time very very hot 😘
Ms B Have
2023-08-05 15:09:54 +0000 UTCMatthew...I am so sorry as to what happened to your sister. The pain of going through that, for her, your family and yourself, must've been unbearable. And to have a close family member that committed acts of sexual abuse had to be traumatic as well. I've had episodes in my childhood and teenaged years that weren't so pleasant either and wished it never happened. I'll be praying for all of you. For now, I would love to share some verses from the book of Psalms, written by King David, "I remember you [God] while upon my bed; I meditate on you during the watches of the night. For you are my helper, and I shout joyfully in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your right hand keeps fast hold on me." (Psalms 63:6-8)
Eternidad
2023-08-01 06:07:48 +0000 UTCOh my goodness, sweet sweet Katie I have missed you and your lovely personality, you are pure sunshine🌞 Tonight Baby J is a bit grumpy and only wants to be held by his Mama, he's teething and finally a couple of little white front bottom teeth appear to be peeking through. So sitting here in swing on the front porch of our lake home, lightly swinging , Baby J. It's 1 am, quiet, just the squeak of swing, sigh, something magical about this time of the night....ooh here comes hubby aka Mr L and he has that look in his eye, gotta go😌. Katie my dear, please come back more often, it is lovely having you around, missed you girlie🤗🤗🤗
Linda
2023-08-01 05:23:03 +0000 UTCWell Dayyyum! I was just strolling past and wanted to say hello for old times sake and it seems I have picked an *interesting* time to stop by! *Awkward shuffle* ANYWAY… Hi Handsome Matt and Beautiful Belles 💜💜💜. I hope you all are doing so great! I so miss being a regular here. I have just been trying to “life” and such and my libido has been like umm huhhh? Though I am still well versed in wildlife sidebars and Friends references. I think of you all and this group often. So many great things have happened here for me in so many ways. I still never take that for granted. (& side note that I DID have an activity day with my friend Matt -refer Feb ‘22? 😂- and I just happen to have been gifted the lovense lush toy and was dyingggggg.🤣 so one day I might have to go back to the very Matthew beginning…a very good place to start. And let this be a lesson to all of you, that one day your underrated FWB gets a job promotion and your hour and a half drive has intention. 🤭) Alrighty my friends, take care, much much love, stay sexy. 😘🥰😍 PS. Tell Moby that Lake Katie says hey 😉⛵️🐳
Katie
2023-08-01 04:39:59 +0000 UTCThat second paragraph may be the best piece of writing I've seen in a long time 😂😂
Kateastrophy
2023-07-31 05:18:33 +0000 UTCI also forgot to share 'Barbie' nails so here you go! https://drive.google.com/file/d/1FyHjOqXzITKAKj5k3SaBFPZPlzaBYdu6/view?usp=drivesdk I'm not much of a 'pink girl'. It doesn't suit me at all, but my clients have gone nuts seeing me in pink this week 😂 Side note: if there are any Canadians here, we may have beef tonight ⚽👀
Kateastrophy
2023-07-31 05:05:18 +0000 UTCI've been thinking about what SP said above about reframing Firsts as your first 'positive experience'. And I realised that leaves me with a lot of Firsts that I haven't managed yet. Part of that excites me, knowing there's still positive new experiences to come (pun always intended), aaaand the other part is terrifying because it puts an expectation on someone else. I joked about reclaiming my virginity if we're reframing firsts. The more I think that through, that's almost a terrifying concept. Ugh that means I have to find a living breathing man who actually respects me AND knows what he's doing. And then I also have to be interested. Too much work for meeee 🫣 It also made me realise how many firsts I've managed in the last year alone. First lingerie (the first of so so many 😅), first toys (which led to...), first memorable orgasm 😂
Kateastrophy
2023-07-31 05:00:02 +0000 UTCChrist Matthew🧔🏻♂️ 😵💫! I knew the M4M audio was going to get me destroyed🥵! Just hearing you tell a male listener to touch himself was too much for my female brain to comprehend🤯😵💫😵! The Os I had were 👌🏾🫦! Don't get me wrong...the M4F audio was good but I am a rare breed of unusual and charismatic that I need 5 level extra spicy with Louisiana Ghost Pepper Hotness to sexy time 😝! My goodness this was just flooding back some repressed memories! My first sexy time feeling came after watching a movie called The Name of the Rose starring Sean (the sexiest Scotsman ever) Connery and Christian (gotta ride his face) Slater from 1986. I watched that movie when I was 13-14 yrs old one hot summer evening. The sex scene with Christian Slater just tickled my hormones to activate. I went to bed that night and replayed that scene in my head and woke up drenched, clenching and bothered. I had not experienced Penetration but my body was like..girl..this feels good. First time with touchy time was Grade 8 (same age above) and a friend of mine had shared she had sex with a popular guy at school which I couldn't believe it at the time but it did happen. It got me wondering what it would be like to do it with my crush...this tall guy name KB who was like 6'3" in grade 8! He was so tall, funny and sarcastic as hell 🤣! I just wanted to ride him so bad! I would listen to "Freak Me" by Silk or Freek n you by Jodeci (because these were my homies💃🏾😅) and just imagine this guy just pounding me out! Lord...it was nice for awhile until this girl who "was" my friend of 20+ years told me she sampled his goods one weekend. I lost all interest in him 😒. She was known as the Community Recepticle 😳 and she didn't know for years. I think my first juicy orgasm with flowing juices came in Grade 12 when I was reading a book from the Library about a guy trying to help an alien girl from another planet contact her people but they have sex a couple times. But the descriptions of the scenes were so aggressive and I grabbed my blue dildo that I hid from my mom. I just imagined the character f@#king me. I just remember cumming so hard while watching myself convulse so hard. Juice just flowing out, just running out of me. It was the naughtiest thing I had felt at that point in my life. Yes there were points in my younger days feeling guilty after touchy time because of my Christian background but I realize that I was not hurting myself but getting to know my body. At one point I got to know my body too much and it got a little crazy 🤪 so I had to scale back 🙃 😅! Fun trip down memory lane M 😘!
Pisces Queen
2023-07-31 04:57:28 +0000 UTCHey all. I didn’t post on Friday after listening to the audios because it seemed like there was a lot going on. Saturday, I spent a long time typing out a lengthy comment on my phone and somehow lost it before I could post it. By that time, there was more ‘stuff’ going on, and I felt everyone had enough to consider, so I abandoned it. Take Three: it’s Sunday and I want to share my thoughts on the audios. I enjoyed them both, however I was not able to get into the M4F version as I usually do because, as someone else mentioned, I don’t have any memory of the first time bringing myself to orgasm, because it never happened. I certainly recall being young and exploring my body. I could give myself pleasure, but never reach orgasm. Until I found these audios, I spent my entire adult life relying on someone else to ‘get me there’. Thanks to Matthew and the Belles, I’ve learned this new skill, and I haven’t looked back 🤗. So, ya…I wasn’t able to submerse myself in the fantasy like I usually can, but I still enjoyed it. Now, the M4M version…that was 🥵. I was able to approach that as a voyeur and it was super hot. Man on man…👌🏽. So those are my thoughts. Finally 😂 Peace and Love and wishing you all a pleasant week to come.
Siouxxxz
2023-07-30 18:21:46 +0000 UTCA few things that popped up on my feed this morning that I thought I’d share: https://www.instagram.com/p/CvUv6I4Otnr/ https://www.instagram.com/p/CvU1GISrKpK/ https://www.instagram.com/p/CvU-isMqGfh/ https://www.instagram.com/p/CvQy424p1vQ/ Sending love to everyone 🩵
Ariel
2023-07-30 17:57:56 +0000 UTCWith 40 minutes until tomorrow, today is still kicking me while I'm down. In case anyone else is having an awful time right now, here's my list of favourite comfort audios: • Ferryboat Love Poems • Poetry reading on vinyl • Relaxing you • Peaceful compilation • Under the Covers • Tantra • Waking me up • Daddy comforts you in a thunderstorm (I will edit if I remember more)
Kateastrophy
2023-07-30 13:25:23 +0000 UTCI never got to use the PO Box but the funny “am I going too far?” Moment for me was concerning porcupines. After he said there were no porcupines in New Zealand I was inspired to buy a porcupine stuffy to send. But once I had it I started thinking about all the thank you cards, sympathy cards and birthday cards I had intended to send to friends and family and never got around to…and ended up giving the porcupine stuffy to my neighbor’s daughter. The idea of getting a hand written post card from across the world is delightful. I love letter writing and miss it and even have a blown glass pen and ink and sealing wax set ..which again I never actually use! But Elmyra, yes, I was originally drawn to the eroticism and downright naughtiness of the site first. And the porcupine stuffy was a puppet. And unless he wanted to use it somehow in a naughty audio (noooooo! Maybe only for tickling 😳) it seemed a little much. But I loved hearing about the hedgehog family crest and I am so content with once in a while emojis and brief exchanges. And I like the mystery of Matt. And it was very uncomfortable to see things become so hurtful and raw on both sides. I also agree with “I find the best part of what I need from you in the audios .” 🪺🪶🐿️
Harriet
2023-07-30 13:09:29 +0000 UTCI woke up early this morning that I had this horrible anxiety inducing dream about the Tower. And then I realized it really did happen. For my Belles, for any hurt you may feel, I hope today brings you a bit of relief and comfort. It’s a weird world we navigate here, being vulnerable and open to Matt and others, feeling our own emotions naturally rise (those after- sex hormones are real!) and trying to understand where and how our connections to the creator and others here hold. I find my peace by putting up a wall actually and remembering that I’m here because the erotic elements brought me here and I will keep my focus there and contained. For me, it’s easier and less open to pitfalls. For Matt, you are admired, desired and appreciated. You’ve brought me a lot of pleasure and fun. I hope taking all the space you need will be restorative. 💜 while I might miss your replies, for me, I find the best of what I need from you in the audios. Everything else is a beautiful bonus (Tower, little bit of the Turret I experienced, your replies and even the PO Box!) and I’m glad I have what I have now and treasure them.
Elmyra Forest
2023-07-30 12:47:49 +0000 UTCExtra note I got so deep into nostalgia as the audio played I didn't even properly listen to it! Will be back to listen again hehe
Tee
2023-07-30 09:03:51 +0000 UTCOh my, yes brings back memories but they were not the fun times. To anyone who may become queezy at mention of graphic content stop reading and please let me know if my text is appropriate enough I'll try not to get to horrible but I'm not sure where the lines of gore cross here, so please let me know! So when my sexual awakening began it was almost like an itch, lived a very sheltered and religious life which told me these thoughts and feeling were sinful and evil without ever right out telling me. I started trying to cramp about anything down there and yeah, Def hurt myself, do not recommend (side note anyone with children please introduce your kids to beginner sex toys when they begin their journeys) I had no idea how things were supposed to look so I didn't fully understand pink color of 'flow' or discharge was a no bueno! I cried to my mom about it, absolutely terrified why I couldn't stop these urges and how bad of a person I was, she tried to explain comly to me but it freaked me out and it was so messy, I'd be trying on the toilet cause I didn't want my sheets stained or ruined. It was SO. UNCOMFORTABLE. And extra note of bad, I have egsima on my hands which means it's not the best tool to use to destress especially in the summer. Overall I feel if I was given more in sex ed earlier I wouldnt have experimented in the absolute worse way then believing it's what I get for doing such evil and sinful things. Eventually I learned self love in pleasure and not letting my upbringing tell me that loving my body was evil. But it still took literal years. To put it accurately that was when I was 12, didn't get my first sextoy till I was 17 senior year of highschool, during a school trip at Spencer's. Which is its own story but that summarizes my first time experience haha.
Tee
2023-07-30 08:54:40 +0000 UTCNo oppenheimer yet but I think I’m going Tuesday and will report back! All my friends have had pretty good things to say, and it’s a pretty stellar cast as well (although cast isn’t everything as I learned with Amsterdam and babylon)
Ariel
2023-07-30 06:08:41 +0000 UTCUhh so I feel like I should clarify my above comment, just to make sure there's no miscommunication or misunderstanding. I have no issue with this audio. Will I listen again? Idk yet. But I share my views in case others want to ponder their own thoughts. I could have philosophical conversations about society and psychology and experiences and the world until I lose my voice. So I find perspectives on audios like this absolutely fascinating to see how, despite SOOO many different experiences and upbringings and parents and times, we all share some similar aspects of this experience. It's part of what I love about this place. I will always be the first person to crack open my own trauma, dissect it, sit with it, analyse it, and find ways to live with it. My experiences are my own, and even though I share them if I feel they may help others feel less alone in their own journey, in no way do I speak for others. If I think an audio will be too triggering or upsetting, I'll skip it. Anyway, I'm exhausted and sick, possibly lost a whole lot of work, and university is causing me migraines. So if anyone has good news or good things to share, please do! (Also has anyone got Oppenheimer reviews yet?) Edit: just did my tax and it got so much worse. Currently accepting hugs and fun facts 🙃
Kateastrophy
2023-07-30 06:02:15 +0000 UTCIt is a very strange feeling to enter a site that normally feels welcoming and safe and see what looks like the remnants of an epic battle 😔 I don’t even know what side the bodies are on. I suppose that’s the ephemeral nature of the Internet? I’m so sad to see both Creator and community members and ex-community members in pain and I want to think it’s just been a particularly nasty Patreon technical glitch and all will be well in the morning. I know that isn’t true. The world is burning up around us and humans are doing unspeakably cruel things to each other and the planet and I worry every day about what sort of future is left for my children but I still do silly things like put AirPods in my ears and dissolve into a place where for a few moments my body and mind and heart feel content. And yes, sometimes my personality is like Anne of Green Gables meets Dexter Morgan and I confuse myself about whether I enjoy people or want them to go away forever , but mostly I want them not to feel diminished or dispirited. I believe in kindred spirits. I’ve found some here. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on but before I abandon the last vestiges of what passes for sanity and run off into the forest with my wildlife friends , is there any chance everybody will just..make up? Forgive each other ? Employ a little more emotional maturity and self -restraint , think before writing and generally keep their responses to a sincere but courteous paragraph or two? Remembering that we are all, content creator included, real life people who deserve privacy and respect? And most of us benefit from taking time to think, de-escalate and regain a calm safe body before acting or reacting (sorry, that’s the functional life skill room Ed-tech in me.) I guess I’m overtired. I guess I mostly wanted to say how sorry I am to see what’s happening. Many awkward hugs 💙
Harriet
2023-07-30 04:47:10 +0000 UTCHi All - Further to my last comment at the top of this audio, I’ve had more personal and presumptive and kind of rude questions put to me on the page, claiming I “owe” everyone the courtesy of saying where my audio ideas come from. The person has since deleted their comment, along with my reply. But I’m restoring it here, so you can see why I need a break. I’ve decided to take a hiatus from the comments section, because I feel there’s too much poor attention-seeking behaviour happening and while on one hadn’t I can’t ignore it, on the other hand, responding to it is just fueling the flames. I’ll be posting as usual of course, and I hope I can be back at some point in the future, but we’ll see. In the meantime, as I say at the end of my response, I’ll write some little updates about how things are going for me, and about upcoming projects and audios, because I have a lot to look forward to at the moment, loads of ideas for sexy things I can’t wait to share, and I don’t want to lose touch with all the great people here on the page!! I hope you understand when you see the comment, and read my reply. Love to all, Matthew 💜⚡️🗼⚡️💜 COMMENT: Hey Matt- I will caveat what I am about to say with three things: ~I haven't listened to either of the audios - yet ~I am just peeping in from what has been an insanely busy weekend to see a lot of 'stuff' swirling about to do with changes on the page, our comments on a previous post about your interactions on the page, and your long introductory message on the current audio post ~and reading some initial comments on these audios by fellow Belles here I really don't want to inflame anyone, but in the same way that you feel you can be honest with us about what you expect from us and our interactions with you, I feel you owe us the same courtesy, at least of hearing things that may not be easy to think about. Opinions vary. Mine are no less valid for being mine, and I say what I am about to say with respect for the work you do, but this whole week on the page has left me...discomfited, to say the least. In whatever weird way this page functions, you are the man who hears and holds our dreams. You have made your point about 'happy accidents' to other Belles, and for the longest time, I had empathy for your stance on that. But reading others comments on this audio, and picking up that the focus is on reliving first orgasms and and rewriting or reliving this 'without shame' has provoked another big 'record-scratch'/cogntitive dissonance moment for me. This is not, I hasten to add, because I am necessarily triggered or traumatised by it in the moment, but because you are using this idea in an audio at all. I don't know anything about your upbringing (nor do I want to, I hasten to add, again) but I find it difficult to believe that the toxic mix of guilt and shame that some many of us (including me) have referenced in chats here was in any large part a feature of your upbringing (being a white, predominantly cis-het male of a certain age and certain cultural background- I am assuming, I know but these are fairly decent proxy markers) and so, to me, this does not feel like a 'coincidence or happy accident'. Now, before any of the older Belles come at me, I must emphasise that in making this connection in my mind, I am not presuming /anything/ about a connection to you- RealMatt- romantic, spiritual, intellectual or otherwise. (I know I have spoken about finding Friday chats tricky, but I am big enough and ugly enough to have worked through that in a way that feels boundaried and OK to me). But this just feels... odd... to me. You're a smart man, Matt, and I am sure you didn't go into using this concept blind. So I am left with a couple of questions (which are rhetorical in nature, please..) ~How much of what we say here is fodder for your WIPs generally, whether consciously or unconsciously? We bare our souls to you, and each other, in ways that we wouldn't do elsewhere, with any other man (or at least I do) and while we do so with some expectation of anonymity, we also do so with some expectation of care. Where is the line between creator and patron, creator and muse in shaping your work here and more generally? How does this differ from taking inspiration from the world around you? Does it differ, actually? (I don't think it does personally but that never seems to be acknowledged here...) ~What was your intent here? *Was this only just a really hot idea for you (possibly done without full consideration of the potential impact on women whose background stories are complex, and layered, and possibly littered with really difficult first sexual experiences)? *or, to give you the benefit of the doubt, was this you picking up on a theme and thinking about doing something that you thought could be helpful as well as hot? I don't honestly know and I may never know even after listening to the audios (which I will do when I am in the right headspace about the Tower, and to quote Aragorn, it is not this day). I am not expecting a response from you, or any other Belles, nor do I want one. But I had to put my thoughts and discomfort down somewhere - and I don't have anywhere else to do so. I will end what has turned out to be the longest comment I have ever written on an audio I have not listened to by repeating again that I am grateful for this page, your work, and the community; and I appreciate that you or others may disagree with my initial thoughts on this, but let's continue to share opinions respectfully. All Tower Love. https://ibb.co/tQpLWhF REPLY: I’m going to say this one last time, and then I’m going to leave the page indefinitely for a time. Making assumptions about me is incredibly unfair. Yes, I had shame about masturbation and sex. I grew up in a religious Christian home which indoctrinated me with a little guilt around sex, but that’s actually very minor. I also grew up with an immediate family member who was sexually abusive. I also went through the pain of my sister being raped by a man while walking her dog in the woods, and feeling the hurt of her trauma. I have someone close to me right now who has had family issues around sex too, who I have been sharing experiences with. But the biggest thing is - like everyone - I grew up in a social setting where taboos around masturbation and learning about your body is difficult. This is not just an issue girls and women have. Boys and men have it too. It’s presumptuous of you to imply that being a ‘cis-het male’ makes me immune from sexual shame. And implying my race and class has a factor is also poor form. Furthermore, the implication that I would exploit other’s experiences to make audios, when I’ve said countless times that I don’t make things targeting people here, and that ‘happy coincidences’ are just that. If I’d made such presumptions about you, and posted them here, I would be cancelled. And fairly enough. It’s not cool. One of the reasons I have avoided talking about my personal experiences in such depth on the past is that I didn’t want the page to be about me. I wanted the audios to be experiences and discussions that people could bring. Another reason is, everyone on the page has a degree of anonymity, so anything they say remains private and doesn’t affect those around them. 90% of the page choose to share nothing at all. Of the group of us that are active regularly in the comments - well everyone has whatever degree of anonymity they want, except me, because I had to drop the anonymity due to having a family member cyber-stalked, doxxing of me, and some obsessive behaviour of others triangulating personal information about me via IG messages with each other. It sounds like that’s happening again. I hope you weren’t a part of it. Also, anyone here (except me) can say things they regret, take their fantasies too far, or even decide they’ve put too much of their heart into the page… and all it takes is a click of the button to unsubscribe. But I’m here for good and I’m accountable for everything I say - not just in the audios, but as I have been in thousands of comments and questions, and in DMs when they were necessary. On days when I’m rested, days when I’m tired, free, busy, happy, feeling flat… I have been accountable to those around me, and to myself, and to everyone here on the page. I don’t get an unsubscribe option. So I have been careful not to share information that might upset any friends or family. And another reason is - the motivation for asking me such personal questions shows exactly the kind of obsessive behaviour I heard about in some social media interactions in late 2021, and early 2022. It’s pretty rare, but in the last 2.5 years of the page, there have been 3 occasions I’ve heard of people trying to find out information about me, making up stories or being otherwise convinced that audios were about them, saying that they’re coming to NZ to meet me in person or that I’ve told them I’m in love with them, or even saying things like ‘he said my name’ in audios, or asking others to choose the best nudes they wanted to send to my DM and so on. Really unfortunate and unhinged stuff, which I was oblivious to for a long time, because I wasn’t on social media and I was only very rarely checking DMs. So no, I haven’t talked about some aspects of my personal life, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. The reason is, having the focus on me adds nothing to the page. In fact it detracts from it. The added value of the page lies in the amazing discussions that arise from the audios, or discussions that have nothing to do with the audios and just come up because someone said something interesting. So I think we should be enjoying what everyone is here willing to share in terms of ideas, rather than pushing each other to share more sensitive personal information than we naturally want to. That’s just a waste of everyone’s time. And something I’ve become more aware of recently about the world, is that the kindness of strangers is more touching than the kindness of friends, because strangers have nothing to gain. It’s the same with the page here. When someone is supportive on here it means a lot because as much as we’re friends we’re also strangers in a way, so the element of self-interest is lessened and we get the best of both worlds. So keeping a little to ourselves, being still a bit of a stranger, it can be quite beautiful really. With that, I’m going to say goodbye to responding to comments for the foreseeable future. I’ll write some little updates about how things are going, and post them with the audios though, because there are so many amazing people here I don’t want to lose touch with. I hope I can be back at some point in the future. [End] 💜 Love you guys. Will drop you a line on Tuesday! M xx
Matthew Tower
2023-07-30 01:32:51 +0000 UTCOk I'm like, moments from passing out from burnout and pretty much ready to cry from exhaustion so this might not make a lot of sense. However, I felt the need to write it just in case it resonates with someone, on the off chance that someone else needs to know that others had a similar experience of this audio. This one hurt. This one really hurt my soul. Not because of the audio, but moreso the subject matter. I knew this would be a weird one for me, but I didn't expect to spend the whole thing thinking "I can't remember I can't remember". I know I was young. Like very abnormally young. But I can't pinpoint anything other than tiny snippits of information. It hurts my head. There's a few truths here. I wasn't a neglected child, that's unfair on my parents. But I was emotionally and intellectually neglected. I was that '"you're so mature for your age!" at age 7 while reading at a high-school level' (thanks! I raised myself!) But the problem with these kinds of neglect is that the brain tends to protect me from my past, by forgetting massive chunks of my childhood. I'm also not someone who EVER went to my parents when I had serious adult (or even childish) questions or concerns. Never had any kind of sex talk. Clothes cover the body, boobs for baby milk, and lower orifices for defacating. And before anyone asks, no my mum never owned any magazines or anything 😂 I have no idea when I discovered that some things felt good. I have no idea when that was, how it happened or what I thought about it. (And like fuck was I gonna ask my parents). But I know I had only just started school. I know that everything felt illegal(?), like I'd get the death penalty for such crimes. When I was 10, I was watching a movie with my sister (who is 8 years older than me), I think I asked about something in the movie, she went to her bookshelf, grabbed 'Girl Stuff' by Kaz Cooke, and handed it to me with no explanation. I finished reading it at 6:30 the next morning. I didn't sleep. I knew practically nothing. And I was fucking mindblown. (Shoutout to my sister because a week later I would have thought I was going to bleed to death because nobody thought to tell me periods were a thing). But suddenly a whole new world of information opened up and I was lowkey obsessed with learning more. I would sneak onto the home computer early in the morning, google whatever I didn't understand, delete the history, then go about my day (idk how people survived pre-internet for answers 😂). I never said a word to parents, siblings, friends or anyone. I was a little Catholic saint to most people. Innocent in the ways of the world. I learnt from various internet articles and experimentation. After all That Stuff™ happened at the end of high school, I literally didn't have any interest in sex or even touching myself for about 3 years. Even then I hated myself for it. I bought toys last year but was too horrified with myself to give it a go. It wasn't until I came here (Ha! Lol) in February that I kind of freed myself from that irrational thinking (which I KNEW was irrational, thanks brain!). I think I avoid thinking about sexuality in my past because it was so turbulent and confusing. I'm much more comfortable in exploring now that I'm older and wiser and more comfortable with myself, now that I know there's no shame in sex and sexuality. Past me and her weird implicitly-learned hangups can stfu. I don't know if it's my current state of mind or I'll feel different after I've caught up on sleep, but I envy those that remember, those that have positive experiences, and send hugs to anyone that ever struggled with shame around sex 💜
Kateastrophy
2023-07-29 11:49:31 +0000 UTCArrived home to relatives visiting and briefly looking through the comments, sounds like this will be an emotional rollercoaster of an audio (and I will likely ugly cry at lol). Might save it for tonight where I can be in my feels in peace 😅
Kateastrophy
2023-07-29 04:19:08 +0000 UTCI think this is going to be a long comment or several comments because there is just so much really interesting stuff to address across the notes, comments, and the audio itself. Ok, first, your explanatory intro note and the audio itself. This is fascinating. I really appreciate that you broke down the different “spaces of imagination” because I don’t think I would have gotten all that on my own. This idea of going back to before we learned to be ashamed of our bodies and pleasure is completely alien to me. There was never a “before shame” for me. I also don’t think I’m unique in that way. I don’t mean this in a trauma dumping kind of way, just that if you hadn’t explicitly said it in the note, I wouldn’t have gotten that that’s what you were going for. I think this has to do with the way girls’ bodies are policed. Some of my earliest memories are of my grandmother telling me I’m not acting/dressing enough like a girl. This is why I say I have very little nostalgia for youth; most of my adulthood has been unlearning shit from back then. But that’s what makes this audio and the concepts here so interesting. I had taken it for granted that this shame was a universal experience. Listening to the audio and reading how people have responded here is really eye-opening. Because of all the shame, I don’t really ever think about that time- when I was discovering myself or my sexuality. “Adventure Time” has the best line for describing aversion to thinking about certain things like this, “It was like my mind-hand touched a hot memory-stove.” I spend a significant amount of time in therapy re-examining my past and developing an updated narrative. This is a category of experiences I haven’t considered. I don’t remember my first orgasm, but I do remember my first fantasies. In the audio, you mention not really thinking about sex yet, just being naked with someone else. I totally remember that. I remember wanting to be in bed with someone. Which is probably why I still find the bed-sharing trope so enjoyable. I remember the first time I fantasized about sex with someone while masturbating- Julius Caesar as portrayed by Karl Urban in “Xena: Warrior Princess”. No regrets, that choice still holds up. It was the best orgasm I had ever had up until that point and still the standard by which I compare. This is awesome. This is the first time I’ve thought about this and I can think about it as being kind of sweet and kind of funny. Not that I plan on sharing this anecdote at parties or anything, it’s just nice to know I can think about this and not burn my mind-hand.
IndyJane
2023-07-29 02:04:35 +0000 UTCHave an amazing weekend all!! Thanks so much for the notes and questions and I hope you get a chance to comment on the audio at some point! I'll be back... 💜✨💜✨⚡️ 🗼⚡️💜✨ 💜
Matthew Tower
2023-07-29 01:37:32 +0000 UTCWow back to you! You got straight to it, huh! 😃 That's so cool. Now I'm thinking wistfully on all the years I missed out on hahaha. 🤣 But yeah - I totally have some deeply rooted feelings about that time, and I can't quite put my finger on them. Like the mix of guilt and excitement. You totally describe it there though -'hey guys, look what I can do!" 🤣 💜 xx
Matthew Tower
2023-07-29 01:22:26 +0000 UTCWow D 💜 I wonder how many people get to experience their first Big O with someone else rather than alone. (I hope it was an positive experience - it sounds like it was). But haha - yeah, straight to the dirtytalk might have been a bit much... 😂 xx
Matthew Tower
2023-07-29 01:16:19 +0000 UTCNational Geo too... 🤣 xx
Matthew Tower
2023-07-29 01:11:25 +0000 UTCWow. [T pauses making dinner to comment bc you put this on a Friday and it so needs a reaction comment] Both versions are incredibly hot (yay for the M4M!) but the first one I listened to, M4F, I got maybe a minute in and I felt a huge rush of emotion. I can't name it yet, but it bears some looking into later. Like I wanna cry? Thanks for sharing something so personal. I'm floored. I'm also kinda weirded out because I don't remember my first O, but it was when I was very y0ung, maybe 6? I know this because I remember vividly thinking I *needed* to somehow teach the other k!ds in my class how to do this because it was so spectacular. So I've always been a sensual being and it didn't have anything to do with puberty or attraction to another person. Very self contained. Just thought I'd throw that out there as a different experience. Sending you love and summer heat from here (it's been over 30 a lot!) 💜💙💚💛☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️
Titania
2023-07-29 01:05:47 +0000 UTCOh - 🧊 🧊🧊 I hope it cools back down soon Georgette - thanks for the fun links over the last few days - I enjoyed the old Germanic language one esp. Yes the PO Box closed a few weeks ago now! The weather here has been pretty cold but not unbearable. And the fishieeess! Yeah, I got them from some friends who left the city, but have decided to come back, so I'll be giving them back. They're adorable, esp. the Angelfish (the others are tetras and a bottom feeder) but wow - I didn't realise how noisy aquariums are. I miss the silence in my lounge a little. Anyway, I hope you're feeling better soon! xx
Matthew Tower
2023-07-29 01:00:49 +0000 UTCMmmm... this was a perfect close to the week, Matt. I kind of love the way you moved through various fists and somehow still wanted to be together. I was SO shy and classless my first time. In college! Of turned down a handsome older business man passing through town and he wasn't used to that! We became friends and months later he talked shy, sweet, innocent D through exploring and being to know my body. I think your sexy voice might have been too much and intimidated me. 😉 I certainly yearn for it now. 😘💜🤗
D
2023-07-29 00:58:26 +0000 UTCOmgggg yes! Sounds like you may have also had some experience back in the day with a Cosmo sealed section or two 🤣🤣
Alaina
2023-07-29 00:51:19 +0000 UTCHey! 😃 Nice to have a pop-in from you! Hope you're keeping well and getting some singing time in. I had such fun with the logooo haha - I went a bit overboard, and while I was working on it I came across some files from a couple of years ago. Remember WinkWinkTM? I'll have to dig them out and share them sometime... 🤣
Matthew Tower
2023-07-29 00:42:31 +0000 UTC✨Let's boogie~ https://on.soundcloud.com/crikg
Eternidad
2023-07-29 00:38:37 +0000 UTCThe sealed sections ☝️😂
Matthew Tower
2023-07-29 00:37:09 +0000 UTCHey Matthew. How's winter going where you live? There's been some strong heat waves where I am that it feels like beach days🏖️ Not so good for some unfortunately (health concerns). Speaking about beach, I saw your YouTube video [Welcome to the Tower] and you have an aquarium in your lounge room! What kind of fishes are they? Why did you decided to have them? And I'm guessing you don't have it anymore but just to double check if you still have the PO box...
Eternidad
2023-07-29 00:36:05 +0000 UTC"Don't be the girl in the tower waiting to be rescued, be the woman pissing off the edge" - Me, now 😂
Matthew Tower
2023-07-29 00:35:05 +0000 UTCIt was that kind of ending wasn't it? Kinda cute and sexy at the same time. Definitely times for snuggles afterward! Have a great one too Linda! 💜
Matthew Tower
2023-07-29 00:31:19 +0000 UTCI read your note. Looks like I have some catching up to do. But for right now, for what it’s worth, I hope that you continue to do what you need to do for your safety and mental well-being. Your boundaries are non-negotiable and it upsets me to hear that yours were disrespected in the past. PS - the new logo is really cool!Reminds me of The Thunder Rolls. I’d post a video but Garth Brooks doesn’t want his music on the internet apparently. 🙄 ♥️y’all. Take care of yourselves.
Emily Dawn
2023-07-29 00:29:04 +0000 UTCRaise your hand if you learned how to make yourself orgasm from stealing your moms Cosmo magazine *looks around curiously and raises hand slowly* 🙋🏼♀️
Alaina
2023-07-29 00:24:19 +0000 UTC“women are the foundation of this very phallic building” - will ferrell, referencing the tower
aleigh -`♡´-
2023-07-29 00:20:23 +0000 UTCI think I missed some comments as well and will need to go back to the Tuesday post. During the week at the end of the work day (which is typically at least 9-10 hours but at least Fridays are short) I am too brain dead to engage in much. And thinking of my first time was a bit bitter sweet, it was so long ago. And it was so rare it happened.
Lavender Belle (Jenn)
2023-07-29 00:19:48 +0000 UTCYayy, it was unexpectedly hot for me too, Jenn!! 😩 And as for sharing first times, that's a planned sequel to this one! I can't wait for that toooo... 🔥💜
Matthew Tower
2023-07-29 00:19:21 +0000 UTCWell, damn baby...sigh, now I want to be incredibly close to you, crawl onto your lap, cuddle against your body with my ear pressed to your chest and listen to your heartbeat, whispering how much I adore and admire you. Just a beautiful moment, you and me Babe😊. Exhale. Have a beautiful weekend love, L😘🤗😘🤗
Linda
2023-07-29 00:03:30 +0000 UTCWow I missed a lot this week it seems. Always appreciate hearing your thoughts dearest creator, to have created a community with a page as vulnerable in nature as this one and have things run relatively smoothly for so long is testament to what a genuinely beautiful soul you have. The discussions and conversations here always give me new points of view to consider and theres always something to be learned from sharing our experiences. I’ll have to listen to the audio another time, it’s been a tough week mentally and physically and whilst my first time was by no means awful it certainly wasn’t anything to write home about and even lightly touching on those memories is more than enough for now. Snugs and hugs to you and everyone else in Tower-land 💜💜💜💜
Niamh
2023-07-28 23:51:39 +0000 UTCSo I had to stop the audio and engage in some “self-care” for a bit lol. Usually I can hold out until later and just listen one time through but not this one! OMG I think this is the hottest one you’ve ever done. Just imagining being your first sent me spiraling! Also have to say this was my second 💦💦💦 (rhymes with Kurt) of my life. I’m still numb 10 minutes later. ❤️💜🔥🔥🔥🔥
Lavender Belle (Jenn)
2023-07-28 23:48:29 +0000 UTCHaha, Meg. I'm Lord Percy maybe. 😂 xx
Matthew Tower
2023-07-28 23:27:38 +0000 UTChi barbies! hi ken! how are you? i hope the week’s treated you well. 💖 ughhhh, i’m gonna miss all the fun tonight. i’m seeing barbie again, which will hopefully inspire me to sit myself down and write all my thoughts on it out. so, in the meantime, i have to ask: which barbie are you? the answer can be real or made up lmao. personally, i’m adhd barbie, existentially-tormented barbie, reputation era barbie, sentimentalizes everything barbie, and i can conjure up a few others if i give it a good think lmaooo okayyy, gotta run. should i expect you at the windowsill? don’t have too much fun without me, pretty please? muah 💞
aleigh -`♡´-
2023-07-28 23:24:56 +0000 UTCHey Dove! 💜 Hope you enjoy this and have a great weekend xx
Matthew Tower
2023-07-28 23:16:56 +0000 UTCOh god - my comment's just more paperwork... 😂 Shove it back in the stack. 🤣 Hope you get a chance to listen while you work though - this was a very um...fun... and interesting... audio to make. 💜
Matthew Tower
2023-07-28 23:15:54 +0000 UTCI’m glad to hear that most of the Court is playing nice and respecting the Lord of the Tower
Meg_just_Meg
2023-07-28 23:14:01 +0000 UTCOkay and a small bonus https://ibb.co/bNHWhJx
Ariel
2023-07-28 23:12:31 +0000 UTCHello and saw this/love this/sharing this with everyone ✨ https://ibb.co/C9gMG0J
Ariel
2023-07-28 23:12:18 +0000 UTClove as always matt xx
dove~
2023-07-28 23:11:47 +0000 UTCI’ll give you a cheesy emoji in return 🤟
Meg_just_Meg
2023-07-28 23:11:13 +0000 UTCJust dropping in to say Hi and I hope you're doing well. I don't have time to read your comment but the audio sounds hot and I'm lowkey angry I agreed to keep working weekends 😂
Kateastrophy
2023-07-28 23:10:57 +0000 UTCHey - I hope this long note doesn’t come across as long-winded or self-important 😅 but I just thought I’d point to an interesting discussion that happened in the comments of the last post. It began with a reference to Sinead O Connor and became about parasocial interaction and creator-listener boundaries and more, and it reminded me to send you all a big thank-you. Before I gush though, it’s been assumed in parts of that thread that some comments upset me. I’m not sure how those views were arrived at, but I’m far more concerned that anyone would think they’ve upset me than I am about any comment itself, because making assumptions about my emotions is maybe a sign that something is unbalanced. Perhaps it’s unbalanced at my end - a sign that I replied too hastily and wasn’t vocal enough about my appreciation for the discussion? Or the people here who contribute a lot? Or the page as a whole? I can fix that, but I’m pretty sure it’s not just that. It reminded me of a couple of instances in previous years, where little imbalances have arisen that have been really nothing to do with me. There have been in the past times when someone felt they weren’t getting enough special attention from either me or the group they have tried to needle or provoke it out of me and/or all of us by posting comments here directed at my emotional state implying they have a deep connection to me, or manufacturing little teacup storms in IG messages to others, bringing down the tone of the page, or engaging in obsessive stalking behaviour triangulating information about me, over-reading comments as if I spend hours thinking about them and so on. And when I’ve been made aware of it and made an exception to DM those concerned, they have taken me checking in on them as a sign that I’m emotionally invested in them, or taken the one-on-one message as proof of the special relationship they have with me or a special role with us all. As you can imagine, that kind of attitude is impossible to reason with. So, to be sure there are no weird illusions of subtext in that thread about me being upset, I should clarify - in public - that I'm not remotely upset at all about any comment on that thread, I’m delighted about the friendships and conversations on the page, not envious, and if anyone has any complaint or suggestion to make about me or the page, I appreciate it, and I’m more than happy if they’re posted here. In fact, the discussion last post ended in some valuable additions to previous discussions going back to late 2021 when our friend Titania joined and began a discussion I’m eternally grateful for about in which ways the page was ‘parasocial’ and in which ways it was not, as well as some conversations with Falla after that which deepened my understanding of affective responsibility. The main reason I responded to that last thread, and I’m writing this now, is not because I was upset. It’s because I’m grateful for everyone and I don’t want anyone believing I value the page less than I used to. And I don’t want the notion to go unchallenged that some wonderful time of being able to share special things with me in private has passed, when in fact, my replies were as limited by time as they are here, and as with anything in life, they had downsides that I later became aware of with a couple of people growing dependent on my responses or approval, forming unhealthy competitions with each other in IG messages and so on. So I just want to reaffirm that the page is way better now without that function! The conversations here are richer than ever, there’s more of a community spirit, and the page has simply evolved, and is stronger. In fact, I appreciate everyone’s contributions more now because the discussions are far more broad-ranging and interesting than they were, now discussing music and art and books and travel and life and cooking and gender and movies and emotion and funny memes and relationships. The personalities we have here are so distinct and smart and fun and caring. Nobody seems afraid to share an opinion or disagree and raise alternative views. My boundaries and personal life have been - mostly - well respected. Everyone’s supportive of everyone else in their own way. And one of our Beau-friends - Johan - was even comfortable enough to pop up for the first time, which wouldn't have happened earlier. So when I go back and look at an audio from 2021, the page is still a wonderful place compared to any page on the internet, but it’s better than ever now, and I feel I'm getting to know everyone in a much more healthy, fun, encouraging way. Anyway, what I took most from that whole thread was a reminder that I should acknowledge and show my appreciation for the page more, especially the newer members of the Tower who might not be aware of how much it means to me, and how important they are to the page. So thank you to everyone who participated in that thread. And also to those reading this who have no idea what I’m talking about! 😅And to the 500 who quietly support the page every month who will never even see this…😂 Seriously, this place is so unlike any other that I wish I could wear my heart on my sleeve and show you how much the discussions mean to me. But I’ll put a cheesy heart here in emoji-land instead… 💜 Hope you enjoy today’s audio! I can’t wait to hear your thoughts, whether good, bad, or indifferent…. M 😌
Matthew Tower
2023-07-28 23:03:50 +0000 UTC
