Stained Refelction TW CSA
Added 2023-09-04 18:55:46 +0000 UTCI have tried to type up just what this session meant to me but I always come up short.
I am going to just type and spill my soul, and hope it works out.
When I originally planned this session, I was leaning heavily on the art side of photography, but the more the session was planned out, the deeper the meaning within the theme became. I very rarely am able get to work on this type of photography anymore since going full time with my work.
I get one day off a week for active shooting and it is usually spent editing, updating my website and this page. So even on my day off, I spend about 4-6 hours working! And that is okay, I am building my career and that cannot be done without this work! But it has taken from me creative wise, so I started this project, to help bring my art back! So far it has been amazing, and I feel so lucky to have you all here.
My last 3 patron shoots have had to be rescheduled, due to clients being sick or having life issues, so I apologize for the lack of content, but this is new for me and we are growing, hopefully something big here!
So if you're still here though the birth of my art, I LOVE YOU.
Now on to the shoot inspiration TRIGGER WARNING CSA
I suffered child sexual assault for several years by the hands of another child, a much older child, but a child nonetheless. The side affects of this abuse followed me into my early teens, I always felt off, less clean, stained by the abuse of my childhood. I honestly didn't even know I had been abused until much later in my life. But I still carried the scars of it all.
At 13 I got my first boyfriend. He was not good, he too had suffered CSA and didn't realize the abuse himself, and like most he too went on to abuse like what had been done to him. I got to be his victim. I would vocalize my fears, and concern about the way I was being treated to friends to be told "well you're his girlfriend, that's normal girlfriend/boyfriend stuff". I tell you now, it was not. This abuse went on for several years, I continuously reached out to others, seeking help, not quite understanding what I needed help from, not being able to work what was happening but knowing I was hurting in so many ways and it was by him and his actions. I felt so stained by these moments, as if I was barely visible. I could not recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
When I finally broke away from him I started to understand what had happened to me, I felt like I had been hit by a bus, my whole world view collapsed around me, finally understanding the severity of what had happened. All by his hands, and I hated him for it. I hated him for a very long time, and I won't excuse him, but I understand now he too was a child who had been hurt so deeply, and we both were failed. I still can't speak his name, or think about him without feeling sickly, bile rises in my throat and I feel faint. But I won't hate him anymore.
I have spent so many years trying to rinse away my stains, only to learn they're what has made me who I am, and I have learned to love them.
