Welcome To Eltingville Series Plot: The Incredible Two-Headed Fanboy

We're almost done with the rundown of episode plots I submitted for the proposed Welcome to Eltingville Adult Swim series. This is the next-to-last entry, entitled "The Incredible Two-Headed Fanboy". This one is a take-off on several ridiculous horror movies such as The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant (1971), The Thing With Two Heads (1972, which makes an appearance in the pilot) and The Manster (aka The Split and The Two-Headed Killer, 1959). From the titles alone, the running theme here is pretty obvious. These are pretty stupid movies, although The Manster does have some creepy moments, and The Thing With Two heads is super entertaining trash. There's also a direct nod to The Manitou (1978), which is a whole other kind of ludicrous, and a bit of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and the Star Trek episode "The Enemy Within" (1966) and probably some other things. I liked to try to pack the references in, not necessarily in an obvious way like in the Boba Fett trivia-off, but in visual gags, plot points and grace notes. Without simply parodying the plots of the movies, books, etc. I'm sure if the series happened we would have done a few straight parodies, but I preferred to contain them inside episodes and not make them the whole show, like the Star Trek bit in the pilot (which also references the old TV show, The Dating Game, which only old people might have noticed).

The episode title comes from a Fun Strip I drew for an issue of Dork, which was about the heads arguing about what to watch on TV. There's a bit in here about school sports that was a joke I used to tell about my avoidance of getting picked on any gym teams. I hated gym and did anything and everything to get out of participating. Which is funny, because I played a lot of sports as a kid. I was in two Little Leagues, a bowling team and I played softball and and basketball (which I sucked at). When I was older I played in a softball league with friends from McDonald's I worked at, we also played football against other stores (which is how I was paralyzed for a few hours, but that's another story). But I hated gym class, and would do anything to get out of taking my shirt off. I'm still very self-conscious to this day, but less worked up about it. Although I look a lot crappier now with my shirt off than I did back then. If my school still used the gym showers I don't know what I would have done. When I see scenes in movies with students in showers it's like watching an alien culture. I wouldn't even change into my shorts with anyone around.

Anyway, I have to get back to finish off the EC script. Fingers crossed it's done today. Hope you enjoy this latest peek into what might have been...

THE INCREDIBLE TWO-HEADED FANBOY

The Eltingville Club gets together for a night of horror movies and junk food. During a horror-themed acne medicine ad (for Acne Inc.) an argument "breaks out" between the group, leading to many insults regarding each others' pizza faces. The argument, as usual, turns into a big fight, which ends with an angry Josh storming out and going home. He's so shaken by the insults and the fight -- as well as a few pounds of garbage food -- that he goes right to bed, his pained stomach moaning as he falls asleep.

Josh wakes up the next morning and discovers a big, nasty zit on the back of his shoulder. He tries to pop it, but he can't quite reach the blemish, and his oddball approaches to squeeze it only make it worse. He swabs it with acne cream and leaves for school.

We then get a taste of what life is like in high school for the Club, and Josh Levy in particular. Gym is particularly tortuous, where their nemesis, Coach Kelly, mercilessly runs the Club and especially Josh into the ground during Phys. Ed., allowing the jocks to bully them to "toughen 'em up". When a shirts vs. skins rugby game is called (yes, the coach makes them play rugby), all the huge, flawless athletes -- with names like Adonis! Hercules! Samson! Magnus Ver Magneton! -- are picked for the shirts team. After gawky wimps, beanpoles, wheezing asthmatics and Jerry, Bill and Pete are called for skins, a shout of "Fatso" is bellowed at Josh. Already terrified of exposing his flesh in class, and doubly afraid of anyone seeing his monster zit, Josh makes several crazed attempts to get out of taking off his shirt. The jocks are ordered to strip him of his shirt, but he becomes so crazed he actually is able to beat them back in a panic attack.

The next day Josh awakes to find that the zit has grown even bigger, and is becoming painful to boot. Josh drowns it in medicine. School is bad once again, and gym is a nightmare. Bullies slap him on the back, causing him excruciating pain. After school he buys more medicine, and finds the zit has gotten even larger by the time he gets home. It's absolutely monstrous now, covering his entire shoulder blade.

Josh desperately tries to pop the pimple, but nothing works. He tries pliers. Falling on it to burst it. Smashing it into the doorjamb. Banging it with a hammer -- which only causes a thick layer of dried zit medicine to crumble off like plaster. He tries scouring powder and brillo pads. He tries to burn it with a red hot poker. But the big red rubbery mound resists all attempts to destroy it. Josh sullenly lathers medicine and wart remover all over it and refuses to come out of his room or see his parents. He spends the night scouring the internet for help until he passes out.

Awakening from a horrible dream, where the zit has become a huge, blob-like monster terrorizing Eltingville, Josh is horrified to discover that the zit is now a huge hump on his back, Manitou-style. Hunchback boy goes to school, wearing an overcoat and a hat like the Thing in Fantastic Four #1. School is sheer hell, of course. And worse, Josh keeps hearing a mysterious voice heckling him about his situation, calling him "puss in boots" and "a pizza face with a calzone back" -- but he can't see who's talking to him.

Finally, in the lunchroom in front of everyone, his hump begins to quiver and rumble. Everyone is staring at him as he fights his back, and he runs from the cafeteria, screaming and struggling to keep his coat wrapped around him. At home he throws off his coat, and his back is stretching and wobbling as if it's about to give birth. Finally the massive quivering humpzit bursts through his shirt -- revealing that the zit now has a face!!! And it looks remarkably like Josh!!!

Josh is now the Incredible Two-Headed Fanboy (!!!), as the talking zit informs him that "he" was talking to Josh in school, and that he is Josh's "inner adult", yearning to break free from the fatboy fanboy that has been holding him back. He's been desperate to escape Josh's body, sick of his immature fanboy behavior and stunted emotional growth. The zit tries to take over Josh's mind, forcing him to smash his toys and pull down his posters, but the shock of seeing his collectibles trashed reawakens Josh, and he starts punching it in the face. The zit finally bursts in a torrent -- and breaks free from Josh as a separate, stunted little body (just like in "The Manster", film fans!).

Josh's "inner adult" lives! He must kill Josh to take his place and get a life, and after a big chase finale with Manster/Star Trek Lazarus jerk-type fight gags, we are uncertain as to which Josh won. The next day in school we see a cocky, well-dressed, cleaned-up and husky-voiced Josh Levy hitting on girls and helping the jocks beat up Jerry while dismissing the virtues of Sliders and the X-Files.

Then a sweating, stinking Josh wakes up in bed -- relieved to find his troubles are all a junk food, horror flick and self-image anxiety-fueled nightmare. But -- while getting ready for school he discovers a really horrible zit on his back...

THE END???