big bad news postscript [Brain Ablaze]

CW: discussion medical dismissal (negligence?), mistreatment during health crisis, misgendering.

I'm still recovering from yesterday's terrible shit, still emotionally flip-flopping between utter despair, boiling rage, and total numbness.  I'm going to take today for myself as well--maybe some more time after that but we'll see--to try and sort that out some more; I'm also meeting with my therapist today, so that's should help a bit.  But before I take time for myself, a quick postscript on yesterday:

Through the hospital's online portal, I was able to read the notes each of the two nurses gave on what occurred.  Highlights:

• I got misgendred A LOT, holy shit.  The two nurses wrote I am transgender "female to male" (one wrote I am a "transgender form", which idk HOW to interpret but kinda sounds like a queer mecha anime term or something tbh), and one even wrote that I prefer "the pronoun HE".  AND YET I get called she/her for at least half of these damn notes!
• NUMEROUS statements that range from questionable bullshit to COMPLETE lies!  Such as how they "offer[ed] support" as I was being discharged--yeah, because forcing me out AGAINST THE PATIENT RIGHTS (a detail that isn't mentioned in the notes at all, I'm sure they left it out deliberately, the dickweasels) is offering SO much "support"!  And how specifically when I was SOBBING IN THE HALLWAY, I looked "stable" and did not "look distress[ed]".  EXCUSE ME?!  FUCK YOU!
• NOT AT ALL mentioning ANY of the complex reasons WHY I wanted that MRI to begin with!!!  The notes make me look like a hysterical nutcase who wanted a brain scan because of just "memory loss".  I took A LOT OF TIME AND ENERGY to explain to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE how DIRE my situation is . . . and THAT was all they took away from my words and recorded?!  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!
• Finally, how I did not meet their standards for "acute level of care".  Because THAT wasn't unpleasant to read at all!

And as a final punchline to this terrible experience:

• As stated before, I told these people SO MANY TIMES that seeing a specialist and getting a procedure like an MRI can take weeks/months to happen.  They didn't care, insisted I "just" had to see a primary and a neurologist, as if it was a quick thing, no big deal.  In their "specialist recommendation" of the discharge paperwork, they put down a neurologist who seemed . . . familiar.  Turns out My Advocate had helped call that exact person before, and they do not have a single opening until FUCKING JUNE!  I TOLD the hospital people that these things take SO MUCH TIME to happen AT BEST! Not only did they act like I was talking out of my ass, THEY RECOMMENDED A NEUROLOGIST WITH A TWO MONTH WAITING PERIOD?! WHAT A SICK FUCKING JOKE!!!

So there you have it.

As you can imagine, spending a lot of time/energy pleading for help from those who can give it, first with others and then at the hospital, sobbing over and over as I did so, and being basically dismissed as a bitchy drama "queen"--that was extremely exhausting, demeaning, and heartbreaking on so many levels, 12+ hours of crushing whatever was left of my spirit.

I have tried everything from kind politeness to righteous anger to try to get people who can assist me.  EVERYTHING.  And you know what?  NOTHING has worked!  I can be the most calm, level-headed, patient little sick-as-fuck dude in the whole universe--and they'll STILL not lift a finger to help.  WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO BE HEARD?!  HOW MUCH DO I HAVE TO LOSE BEFORE I AM BELIEVED?!?!

I've never felt so broken in so many ways before.  But I suppose life does surprise you.

Additional CW starts here: discussion of serious thoughts of suicide & death.  

I truly did not want to kill myself when I went to the psych to possibly be admitted, and I was not lying when I said that to them and to y'all yesterday.  

But after sitting with it, seeing just how much EVERY PERSON IRL who has ANY real power whatsoFUCKINGever has REFUSED to assist in any way?!  Has called me a liar whose problems aren't that bad; rolled their eyes at me and laughed at me; told me I'm an adult so I therefore need 0 help at all; dismissed my own words about my condition and care; said they have problems too so mine are irrelevant; compared my 3-month cognitive crisis to them forgetting something for a blip in time; listened to all that has happened but offered no assistance and then ignored & dismissed me; and just so, SO, SO many other things?!

. . . It has been a long time since I came close enough to even consider drafting a suicide note.  A very long while.

Today I pondred it.

I thought I was at the knife's edge before?!  Oh no, turns out that was fucking amateur hour. NOW I am THIS DAMN CLOSE.  If yesterday, I was presented a button to press to just make it all stop, I would have pressed it.  Without a moment's hesitation I would have done it.

. . . But there is no button.  And any single way I could think of doing it would be too painful to attempt, upon/for myself and the ONE person IRL who actually has shown they deeply care.  So I can do nothing but long for it, and hope I will improve mentally during that time.

That is where I am at.

Additional CW ends here.

That fucking neurologist is my last hope, and if I am betrayed there too, there is NO recourse I can take that won't last weeks or months to happen.  I'll just get worse and worse as time goes on.  Maybe once I am """bad enough""" they will give me that damn MRI.  But I really don't want to have to wait until that point because that will mean losing so much more than I already have.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

P.S. I don't have the strength to reply to basically any comments or messages atm but I do want to thank everyone who replied to my recent posts and/or reached out privately.  I cannot express how deep my appreciation is for your words.

Also, I'm still working on the update post about coms, the Patreon, etc.  It's extremely long and thus takes a lot of time; I might split it up to get parts of it out sooner.  I will write more of it when I don't feel like shit so much.