small good news, then big bad news [Brain Ablaze]

cw: discussion of depression, suicidal thoughts, medical dismissal (negligence?)

My soul is very very drained atm.  After I write this I'm gonna check out for the day, probably lie down or draw, just . . . cope.  

To summarize the hospital stuff:

The good news:

I was able to not be hospitalized/admitted--HOLY SHIT THAT WAS CLOSE AND SCARY AS HELL!!!!  I explained to the various health professionals (I think there was at least 6 of them) that I have zero plans to kill myself, now or ever--because despite the depression/ideation I want to LIVE, damn it!--and that me saying, "I want to die," was (1) a 10-second blip in the mist of 10+ minutes of begging/pleading/crying for help, and (2) a bad way of communicating what I truly meant, which was/is, "I don't want to be in this terrible situation anymore."

Also told them that if I go to inpatient now, then the physical rot of my cognitive faculties will not be dealt with, because the primary focus will be on mental wellness, which I am taking care to maintain even in this difficult time.  THAT is the main reason I did not want to be admitted--not because I want to deny or not treat any mental health issues (I care very deeply about that, for myself and others, and have done so for many years), but because if I was admitted, my cognitive functions would keep rotting, and I would forget more and more and MORE, unable to be properly treated for that.

Finally, one of the staff members who tended to me, a doctor-in-training, showed me . . . probably most empathy I have received from ANY HEALTH PROFESSIONAL in these 3 horrible months.  This doctor did everything he could to listen and tend for me, and I appreciated that very very much.

Since I was there I decided that damn it, I might be here against my will but I can try to get something good out of it.  So I asked every single person involved to PLEASE get me an MRI while I was there, explaining in laborious detail all of my past & present symptoms--especially in the last week, things have gotten VERY BAD.  

But that is where the rest comes in.

The bad news:

So.  I have been mistreated by health professionals all throughout this crisis.  I'm an AFAB millennial, and a transgender man (pre-transition, though there are aspects of medical transition I don't want for myself, so maybe if there's a better word here, but idk b/c brain broken so mental dictionary slashed atm)--I expected this to occur.  But holy fucking shit, this had to be the worst treatment I have received not just during Brain Ablaze, but from basically any health professional in a very long time (aside from Doctor Dumbass of course).

So.  I told EVERY SINGLE PERSON who saw me the importance of getting an MRI.  ALL of them heard about my cognitive rot, in the past and present, and the increasing severity over the past week that I mentioned above.  Yes, I have a neurology appointment scheduled for next Wednesday.  But if there's anything I've learned during Brain Ablaze, it's that very often, medical procedures like an MRI can takes weeks or months to schedule.  And as the deterioration shows no signs of stopping, it is very likely that I will get worse while waiting for this MRI.

(I'm losing energy more rapidly so I will summarize more briefly.)

They didn't care.  They shrugged their shoulders and said no, they would not give me an MRI, that I just needed to talk to a primary and a neurologist.  Why?  Because I passed some stupid brain test, a previous CT Scan was fine, and finally, they believe my issues are "a mild case".

A.  Mild.  Case!!!

So. . . To highlight that proclamation, let me go over just a few of the increased severity events from the past week:

• I came very close to walking out of my bathroom naked because my brain went to "wrapup and leave" mode, making me forget/not realize that I wasn't wearing clothes.
• I was talking with an old friend (basically the only IRL person who has stood by my side during this process, I'll just call them My Advocate) and was convinced we hadn't gone to the same elementary school, despite that we had gone to the same schools for most of my childhood.
• Most recently, my brain told me to put not toothpaste on my toothbrush, but DEODORANT, as if that had always been the routine.  I almost did it too!  Came THIS FUCKING CLOSE!!!

Answer me this: do those sound like "a mild case" to any of you?!  

And those are just the thing I can fucking REMEMBER right now!!!  Because I am so forgetful, I don't remember all of my symptoms or all of these incidents!

AND I TOLD THEM THIS STUFF!  I mentioned the deodorant thing most b/c holy shit that alarmed me.  And everything I have written about in previous posts?  I also discussed.

But no.  "A mild case."

I was then (against the Patient Rights, I later learned [multiple of the rights were violated during my time there btw]) forced to discharge.  I kept pleading with them to assist, sobbing multiple times, and they just kept repeating the discharge steps, a broken record over and over and over again.  It broke me more than I was already.  I gave in.  I had nothing left.

As I was forced to leave, one nurse snorted laughing when I expressed the worry I would forget everything at this rate.  And the other one saw me crying and just pushed me toward the door with one hand on my back.  No empathy at all.

Oh yeah, and I was deadnamed and misgendered THE ENTIRE TIME.  Despite me being up-front about my name & pronouns always, it continued to happen over and over the whole visit.

So that was that.

The irony is that this all occurred because I was pleading for help from another, who didn't care or listen.  Just for them to shove me into a situation where medical professionals did the same.

Aside from My Advocate, no one around me IRL thinks I need help despite everything.  

No one.  Not medical professionals, not others, none.

And it was heartbreaking to find that it was the same case here.

. . .

I'm gonna lie down.