Further Atrophied, Worse Than Ever, Hitting The Breaks

Hello. This is TastyAce. Sorry if it's not fully Thursday anymore by the time this & the other things go up. I tried, I really did. But this took a lot more time & energy than I expected. I will try to be as brief as possible but there is still a lot to cover.

CW Starts Here: Discussion of bad health stuff, including depression, intense suicidal thoughts & severe memory problems. Transphobic doctors, periods, abuse, and PTSD also briefly mentioned.]

So. As referenced in my last post, things are not good at all. I will only discuss the most pressing things b/c I don’t have the energy to discuss the half dozen “”””minor”””” problems that are also affecting me deeply (such as nearly fainting on the toilet. Other bullshit that I can't fully get into today includes: multiple transphobic doctors of various fields [including mental health treatment so unprofessional that it should get an Olympic medal in the achievement of Fucking Things Up], terrible PMDD symptoms preceding an overwhelmingly bloody period [I ruined 2 pairs of pants & underwear on DAY 1, which is not normal for me and a terrible start], past abusers rearing up at the worse possible time [almost resulting in a physical altercation], my multiple layers of PTSD being triggered at various points, and plenty of other things that I just can't remember atm, sorry).

This month, my psychiatrist weened me off of the shitty med that Doctor Dumbass gave me. That was supposed to be a turning point. It was not—in fact, the week I was finally free of that medication, I got WORSE.

My cognitive issues surged in severity: my memory went way down; time-blindness went way up; appetite dulled immensely and disappeared until late evening daily; executive dysfunction ramped up hugely; etc etc. Very bad. Every day I wake up knowing I will barely remember what the day has in store, and that night will come before I know it b/c I am so displaced from time. I can get a few things finished on a good day, but it's extremely difficult to focus on even the tiniest tasks. And of course, a bunch of other things that I can’t remember to put atm.

I became extremely depressed and suicidal on numerous occasions—if you thought my sadness in “below rock bottom” was bad, oh boy, that was just the fucking appetizer. I have been at the knife’s edge of killing myself since I was a child, but have sought plenty of help and treatment since then, and have not experienced a mind so dark in ages. It is very bad.

I do not easily remember basically anything at all short-term. Tell me something in the morning and by the afternoon, I’ll probably need it told again. Completing tasks, including “simple” things, is a herculean effort, even things like eating food. This week, because of the executive dysfunction and appetite problems, I barely ate anything for a at least a week straight, pretty much only able to manage a few bites a day. (When hearing that and the other “easy” things I wrestle with, it’s easy for people to exclaim to me, “Just do it, Ace; it’s not so hard!” and I’d imagine some of you will be tempted to pull that response out.  But it is hard, harder than my sick mind can properly express, so let me politely but firmly respond to anyone thinking that by telling you: you do not know what you are saying to me, so do not belittle my crisis with quippy answers as if it is so simple. If it was so easy and just rooted in simple motivation, I WOULD NOT BE HAVING TO LIVE WITH IT FOR THIS LONG..)

This all culminated in an incident that occurred this morning: without going into detail because it is frankly embarrassing, I forgot how to do a basic thing. I just . . . couldn’t remember it, something very simple that I and many others have done for years since childhood. In that moment I couldn’t recall the right way to do it, and didn’t even know the answer until later in the day. That scares me a lot. It means that the deeper, more innate thoughts are also vulnerable too, and who knows what’ll happen to my core memories if they get affected? The possibilities are terrifying.

[CW Ends Here]

That’s all I have the energy to tell you. The severity of the situation cannot be overstated; it is extremely bad and not going away anytime soon. I thought the turning point would come, which is why I kept this open, but each time it looks like I’m going to get better, I just get much worse instead. With this morning’s incident, I must take it as a sign that the winds are not changing anytime soon, and I may continue to rot from within.

I would like to pause the Patreon, starting in April and going until further notice. I am still pondering what else I should do for the account to hit the brakes so I can focus solely on my own recovery. I wasn’t able to work on his month’s game nearly as much as I would have liked; I do at least want to release SOMETHING for it, even if it’s not fully complete. If nothing else, I am worried about not being able to make Twines as well in the future (because writing has already become more challenging than ever--perhaps you may not think so because of my output, but it is the sad truth: something that came as naturally to me as breathing, now has hurdles and obstacles to it that I've never experienced before) , so I would like to get something out in case that happens. 

That’s all I can write atm, sorry. I was gonna stay up and put a wrap on the Patreon Exclusive but I don’t have the energy. I’m gonna conk out for tonight, and tomorrow, expect last & this week’s stories. I can’t go anymore today.

Ok that’s all I got the strength to say. Goodnight.

(I wrote this Thursday evening but apparently my tired ass conked out in front of my computer before hitting publish? [frustrated screaming])