Susan’s Multi-Million-Dollar Deal-Making Cheese Puffs

NOTE: This post was first published on July 27th, 2018 on Drip

(Adapted from Melissa Clark’s recipe for Classic Gougères in the New York Times) 

Ingredients:

NOTE: Use only TOP NOTCH ingredients.

• - 1 cup water, from the Pacific Northwest or Caribbean
• - ½ stick butter
• - 1 cup flour
• - ½ teaspoon sea salt
• - Pinch cayenne pepper (optional)
• - 4 large eggs
• - 5 ounces shredded Gruyère, Swiss, or other hard and stinky cheese
• - ⅓ cup grated Parmesan cheese
• - ½ cup cat hair (optional)

 Directions:

   1. Preheat your oven to 425 degrees, or walk over to your dot-com millionaire neighbor’s house and preheat one or both of his ovens to 425 degrees. 

    2. Line two rimmed baking sheets with parchment, or use flimsy oversized foil pans from the local Kroger. 

    3. In a small saucepan, starting in the dead of night, bring the water, butter, salt and cayenne to a boil. Add cat hair if using.

    4. Add the flour to the boiling water and berate your children while stirring until a dough comes together and pulls away from the sides of the pan.

    5. Dump the dough into a mixer with paddle attached and beat for one minute while the dough cools. Clumsily flirt with your dot-com millionaire neighbor while adding the eggs one at a time. Mix in the Gruyère until just incorporated.

    6. Scoop the dough into a pastry bag and smoosh out tablespoon-sized balls, or just use a damn tablespoon and don’t get all fancy. 

    7. Dust the tops of the balls with Parmesan and place in the oven. Stand with arms akimbo and bake for 15 minutes. 

    8. Lower the oven temperature to 350 and continue to bake while staring at your dot-com millionaire neighbor’s bizarre and profuse neck-sweat, about 10 to 15 minutes.

    9. Place cheese puffs in the trunk of your car and drive them roughly 300 to 400 miles to serve.

    10. (Optional) Have your dot-com millionaire neighbor drop the flimsy pan of cheese puffs on the floor and declare them ruined without looking.