Nerding Day: An Interview With My Six-Year-Old Self About Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue🌭

In 1990, the war on drugs found a new nemesis: Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue. This television special was the ultimate Saturday morning crossover, featuring ten different franchises including Looney Tunes, Garfield, the Real Ghostbusters, DuckTales, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Competing networks aired the special and it was later released on VHS by healthy living company McDonald’s. The video cassette edition was introduced by President George H.W. Bush and his wife, Barbara Bush, which technically counted as an eleventh franchise.

The goal of Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue was to teach children about the dangers of drug use. The cartoon characters would team up to - of course - rescue one poor teen from falling into a dangerous lifestyle of crime. If the Smurfs couldn’t get you to stop using drugs, the show’s producers reasoned, maybe the Smurfs and the Muppet Babies combined could. The cartoon itself became a major cultural touchstone of the era and a time capsule of the period.

With that in mind, I interviewed my six-year-old self both before and after watching Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue. This interview has been edited for clarity.

ADULT DRUCKER: Hey, Mike!

YOUNG DRUCKER: Who are you?

ADULT DRUCKER: I’m you - from the future! Thirty four years into the future to be exact!

YOUNG DRUCKER: Stranger! I’m scared! Mom!

ADULT DRUCKER: Come on. We both know our mom is working late at that 24-hour grocery store that’s going to close in a few years.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Tiffany!

ADULT DRUCKER: She’s out with her boyfriend. Trust me, I’m you. Look. Okay. You hide under your bed and draw pictures of Mario and wish you didn’t exist, right? I’m you. I know things.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Wow! Okay! What’s the future like? Do we own a lot of video games?

ADULT DRUCKER: Yes!

YOUNG DRUCKER: Do we kiss a lot of girls and get to hold hands with a crush?

ADULT DRUCKER: It depends on what you mean by “a lot” but no!

YOUNG DRUCKER: Oh.

ADULT DRUCKER: But I’m here to interview you about Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue.

YOUNG DRUCKER: The special with all the Saturday morning cartoons?! Oh wow!

ADULT DRUCKER: Wow is right! Have you seen it yet?

YOUNG DRUCKER: No, but I want to! My mom taped it! But I couldn’t watch it yet because my parents didn’t want to put it on the VCR when they were home from work because they were mad at each other and got loud.

ADULT DRUCKER: What do you know about the special?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I know it’s got Garfield and Ninja Turtles and they’re teaming up! It’s got so many cool characters. I didn’t know they were friends. I wish they were my friends! That would be so much fun! I’d love to have Heuy, Dewey, and Louie as my best friends!

ADULT DRUCKER: Wow.

YOUNG DRUCKER: What?

ADULT DRUCKER: Nothing. So, the special you’re about to watch is also about drugs.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Drugs?!

ADULT DRUCKER: Yes. What do you know about drugs?

YOUNG DRUCKER: They’re bad things you take that are bad for your health. Officer Gower says they make you feel good for a little while but you can get addicted and do dangerous things.

ADULT DRUCKER: Well, he’s right about some of that.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Which parts? Did he lie?

ADULT DRUCKER: I mean… you’re correct! Drugs are bad. Officer Gower is definitely right and he only looks at Ms. Diamond that way because they really agree on stuff. Anyway, this special also teaches you that drugs are bad, just like Officer Gower.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Except they’re cartoons instead of police officers! Cool!

ADULT DRUCKER: Correct! Cartoons are cooler than many police officers!

YOUNG DRUCKER: Even our uncle?

ADULT DRUCKER: Especially our uncle. Your relationship with him changes in the future, but it’s not that bad. Just weird and awkward. He stops giving you birthday checks when you’re eleven, which feels way too young if you ask me.

YOUNG DRUCKER: I don’t understand.

ADULT DRUCKER: And you never will. But, before we watch the video, what are you hoping to see in Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I want to see my favorite cartoons fight against a drug dealer. Maybe they beat him up? The Ninja Turtles can beat anyone up! And Garfield could make fun of them. And they decide to not do it anymore and maybe they become a doctor since doctors have good drugs that help you and don’t hurt you. And ALF is there, although ALF is kind of scary to me since he’s an alien and stuff.

ADULT DRUCKER: Maybe drug dealers are scared of aliens too.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Whoa! I never thought of that! ALF is okay with me if he scares drug dealers! They’re bad. They’re bad people. They sell drugs to kids!

ADULT DRUCKER: Not the good stuff! But let’s watch the special together and talk afterwards, okay?

YOUNG DRUCKER: Okay! Can I get an orange juice?

ADULT DRUCKER: Actually, just have water. Trust me on this. We could have an entirely different life if you laid off the juice, brother. On to the show!

ADULT DRUCKER: So, that’s Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue. What did you think?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I’m confused.

ADULT DRUCKER: What do you mean? Didn’t you enjoy it?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I did! I really liked seeing all my favorite cartoons. It was cool. And the drug ghost made of smoke was really scary! I don’t want him as a friend! He was mean! And the boy became so sick, I was worried. The cartoon all-stars are good friends.

ADULT DRUCKER: So then what confused you?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I thought the cartoons would beat up a drug dealer, but the drug dealers were other kids who were really happy. Why didn’t they tell the drug dealers that drugs are bad? They could stop all the drugs if they beat up the drug dealer. Kermit should’ve punched him. Or told Miss Piggy he had a crush on the drug dealer so she did karate.

ADULT DRUCKER: We’re way more violent than I remember. What else?

YOUNG DRUCKER: And the main character is named Michael! That’s my name!

ADULT DRUCKER: True enough.

YOUNG DRUCKER: And I’d never steal from my sister to pay for anything!

ADULT DRUCKER: True enough.

YOUNG DRUCKER: And I’d never do drugs.

ADULT DRUCKER: …Sure.

YOUNG DRUCKER: But I don’t understand how the cartoons came to life. Garfield was a lamp. And Kermit was an alarm clock. And ALF was a framed picture. Why would the little sister have a picture of ALF?

ADULT DRUCKER: Maybe ALF is her favorite character?

YOUNG DRUCKER: ALF is too scary! And then they mostly appear to Michael and not the girl. Like, they come to life after he steals her piggy bank and then they talk to him. But Pooh talks to her. Maybe some of the cartoons talk to her, too. But they should be her friends more!

ADULT DRUCKER: You’re confused by all the cartoons coming to life?

YOUNG DRUCKER: Uh-huh. It’s like the cartoons only came to life because of drugs.

ADULT DRUCKER: Some probably did.

YOUNG DRUCKER: What do you mean?

ADULT DRUCKER: Nothing. I mean, yeah, maybe it was so bad that the cartoons had to come to life to save Michael. They really cared about him.

YOUNG DRUCKER: But why didn’t they help the other kids?

ADULT DRUCKER: I don’t know. They’re in too deep, probably. Too far gone.

YOUNG DRUCKER: And if Michael had been doing marijuana since he was a kid, why does it not make him look bad until he’s a teenager? And what is crack?

ADULT DRUCKER: Oh. Crack is sort of like - well - it’s like another drug but a lot worse.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Everyone should be afraid of it!

ADULT DRUCKER: Yeah, but it’ll be more of a punchline for comedians until 2005.

YOUNG DRUCKER: If it’s funny is crack okay? The show said it only cost ten dollars. I have ten dollars. Maybe I can get crack!

ADULT DRUCKER: No! And I think it’s more expensive than that, but I don’t really know the exchange rate for 1990. It’s bad, though. It’s really bad. Actually bad.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Like marijuana and alcohol?

ADULT DRUCKER: Uhhh… Yes. Yes. Just like those.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Why do you say it like that?

ADULT DRUCKER: Just thinking about what I have to do when I get back home. Do you have other thoughts on the special?

YOUNG DRUCKER: Yeah! Michael sure did get sucked down a lot of drains! First into the sewer to meet a Ninja Turtle and then to go into a rollercoaster in his brain and then into a carnival! He gets sucked into a straw by Miss Piggy and she spits him out and he promises to not do drugs again.

ADULT DRUCKER: It is quite a lot. Did you learn any lessons from the special?

YOUNG DRUCKER: Yes, but I want to ask: If I do drugs, will I meet my favorite cartoons?

ADULT DRUCKER: No. Not really, at least.

YOUNG DRUCKER: No or not really?

ADULT DRUCKER: Not really.

YOUNG DRUCKER: So I can meet them a little if I do drugs?

ADULT DRUCKER: Let’s stick with not really. And you’d meet the drug ghost made of smoke if you did that! You don’t want to meet that guy! He’s really pushy and is scary and smells bad.

YOUNG DRUCKER: No, I don’t want to meet him! He’s scarier than ALF!

ADULT DRUCKER: I know! Drugs could make you meet so many scary things that you shouldn’t do them. At least until college when your feelings begin to overwhelm your ability to handle them.

YOUNG DRUCKER: They also did a song about saying no to drugs. They said that you can just make up an excuse. So, when it comes to drugs, is lying okay? If I don’t do drugs, am I a liar?

ADULT DRUCKER: No! I mean, if you show up to work and they ask you if you’re high and you say you’re just tired, that means you’re a liar. But does it count when people kind of know you’re lying? Like, they needed to point out an issue but don’t want to think about it? Maybe we’re all liars, you know?

YOUNG DRUCKER: I don’t understand again.

ADULT DRUCKER: You will. Because of other people! Not us. We’re always, you know, solid on this topic.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Do we do drugs someday?

ADULT DRUCKER: No.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Really?

ADULT DRUCKER: Yes.

YOUNG DRUCKER: Really we do drugs or really we don’t do drugs?

ADULT DRUCKER: What, are you a cop? Are you Officer Gower all of the sudden? Are you Winnie the Pooh putting on the pressure?

YOUNG DRUCKER: No!

ADULT DRUCKER: Okay then. Let’s wrap this up before you think you’re solving mysteries. Any closing thoughts about Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue?

YOUNG DRUCKER: Why do I end up looking like you?

ADULT DRUCKER: Because you don’t drink water.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Cerril, who believes Kermit should’ve punched harder.

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