On Procrastination, Depression and Mental Health

Like previous commentors I hope you are taking a good break and prioritizing your health. If and when you want to start reacting again we will all be waiting. But whatever you do take care of yourself, and thank you for all the reactions. I know how much effort goes into the editing to get it past the copyright requirements, but I really enjoyed particularly your QI, Only Connect, Would I Lie To You? and of course Taskmaster content.

Butterfingers Pollock

I just noticed you didn't show up in my feed for a while and i had to check in and saw this video, I am very much relating to you. I also grew up with work ethics imprinted, I did very well in school without really trying that hard, (laziness) I'm in my late 20s, living alone, work is the only thing keeping me in check it feels like, whenever I have time off work, for example during my summer vacation, every year I have 4-5 weeks off work in the summer, I usually go traveling, but when I'm not I'm spiraling into bad habits, and whenever I start one bad habit another one follows, it gains traction, this hasn't been that much off an issue as its just a few times a year, but I've recently been doing some work where I work for 2-3 weeks all day, then I'm having 2-3 weeks free, and it becomes a bigger problem, I feel like I know what I have to do to get out of the spiral, It's pretty easy in theory, just keep doing good routines every day, wake up at the same time every day, brush my teeth eat breakfast etc.. but I just wont let myself have it, sometimes I snap out and I get 2-3 days of good routines, but then I usually ''treat myself'' with doing something lavish, be it taking a nap after work, which ruins my sleep at night, which ruins the next day, or be it getting too drunk during the weekend, or not brushing my teeth, or not cleaning my house. I really liked that you explained your experience with it, I'd like to know what you do to keep yourself from spiraling, Have you considered doing Livestreaming? It might sound weird but I'd think people would very much like to see you playing games or doing other stuff, I certainly would tune in , good luck brother, love the channel.

cptsmooth

Thinking of you, Neil.

Carl Wilson

Neil, I hope you're doing okay. I just joined patreon specifically because I've been looking for your content for the past month on YouTube and started to worry. Like you, I live alone and I procrastinate. I get myself into funks when I could just spend the whole day looking at my TV screen. Neil Talks videos (especially Taskmaster) are something I look forward to because it feels like I'm watching a favorite show with a friend. All this to say: I hope that this absence is a good thing while you do the work you need to do to start feeling better. Take care!

Been a while, Neil. Hope you're okay and just taking the time to mentally heal!

Kami_3k

Neil. Thank you for sharing and being so transparent. I am a mental health therapist, and a stigma has always been attached to mental health issues. When I hear people speaking out about their struggles, it gives me hope that more people will feel brave enough to talk about their own struggles and take action. And I believe deeply, that we all have issues and struggles, and we can all benefit from taking some time for ourselves. My best to you and your journey of self-improvement. Take care of yourself brother!

I 100% relate to your words and feelings Neil! You set your own schedule, no one is judging you (except yourself). Take sometime and we'll be here when you return.

Richard Betts

Relate. A big hug. Take your time. I like Stephen Fry on this: https://youtube.com/shorts/A8BIChzj-ZI?feature=share

Oh honey. As someone who grew up in a similar household, whose father labeled him as “lazy” as a child, I grew up with that as one aspect of my identity. It took a long time for me to throw it off, reframe it, discard it, tell my father he was wrong about me. Some days work better than others, but “laziness” is often subconscious communication, for me anyway, that there’s something else needing healing. I now more often think of that feeling associated with that label as a warning light to myself that something else is going unexamined. I try to take the value judgement out of it. I heard a lot of familiar self-talk in what you were saying. And I gift you this: if you never make another thing to share publicly, I will always be so happy for that which you did give. I will never ask you for more, but will always feel joy at seeing anything you do choose to share. You were already successful to me, one tiny audience member of yours. I feel certain you have many other patrons and audience members who feel that same. All I hope for you is that you are happy and have the things you need. I came here worried because you were missing, and now that I know the situation, all I want is for you to feel good, when you can, how you can.

Jeremy Young

Hope you're doin ok mate,usin this time off to relax and recharge!🤷‍♂️👌💜

Adam Hale

I don't think I have anything to add that hasn't been said by somebody else before, but I just want to say that I know the work from home procrastination devil, and I also often feel that a lot of youtubers don't take enough time off. I am glad you are doing okay, I will look forward to whenever you get back to releasing videos, but do not punish yourself for being human, and remember that even as it is, I for one am still enjoying your backlog - I discovered you reacted to Dune yesterday for example and enjoyed that for the day!

Laura

You are a different person from me, with different work experience and strengths. I can 100% identify with what you just mentioned. (Procrastinating, any time not working is being "lazy", brooding that things could have been done better or completed sooner, tunnel vision, etc.). I will make a suggestion: that you consider therapy. Not as emergency treatment or anything, but to enhance your life skills. After decades of thinking about it (and procrastinating), just before May I finally signed up with BetterHelp to have regular sessions. (They seemed like a reputable service, and the system made it easier to have video-calls with a therapist. Maybe in person would be better for you, or another service, but I don't know your situation.) In my last session, my therapist happened to mention that it is okay to schedule time to rest or recreate, to allow myself to escape from my normal grind. The point is not to stay there too long. (Sounds familiar from your video, right?) I've found out that I already have most of the knowledge and tools that we were discussing, but I didn't recognize that, or use them often enough. My therapist has helped me recognize that I have those resources, and where they should be used, and how to access them better.(Still a lot of work o do.) You mentioned that making this video might help. I think it is the same when talking to a therapist: in order to explain it to someone else, you get a clearer and more organized idea in your own mind. (You know that better than I do, with your reaction video creation and editing experience. It is a matter of adapting those types of work skills to improve your personal life.) I'll add one more comment about therapy. There is a saying: it is as obvious as the nose on your face. But as someone else has said: how much of your own nose can you see, unless someone else holds a mirror in front of you?

Dude, I like watching your content because we share very similar tastes and frankly, most of my friends and family don't share my fanatical interest in WILTY and/or Taskmaster. I enjoy watching those shows on your channel because it feels like I'm watching it with a friend who is enjoying the show as much as me. You seem authentic in your "reactions" and you clearly are authentic to post here what you perceive as your "flaws". No one is perfect. And because you are a very likable person people will cut you some slack when you need to take a vacation from your work. No one should work 100% of the time, that's boring. Some people become victims of their success and put too much pressure on themselves. I'm no expert, and I've got my own issues but I'd suggest trying to find a work/play balance that feels productive but allows you to schedule some fun too. I also work for myself, but I do have an office and employees. Been doing it for almost 15 years now. I can't work without taking a day or 2 a month in addition to a 2 week vacation to avoid total burn out. Keep your chin up, you are doing fine. A friend from Texas

Don E

I’ve always been more of a socially anxious lurker in almost all corners of the internet (and normally I’d remain silent, but this is important), so I’d like to think that there’s still many more people out there feeling similarly: Thank you for being so open with us. I’m really glad to hear from you (was getting worried there), and I deeply appreciate your courage in doing something so difficult. And like many others here have already talked about, I understand. I’ve been going through the same cycle of depression and anxiety/avoidance these past 6(+) months. So please don’t beat yourself up and take all the time you need. Your well-being is the most important thing. (Also, sorry for temporarily discontinuing my membership, but I’m back now.)

Oh Neil, I’m sorry you’ve been going through all of this. Thank you for posting this so we know you’re ok, honestly I think the way you’ve opened up and spoken from the heart is really brave, and as a fellow introvert I appreciate it must have been hard to do. I got quite emotional watching this video, because so much of it chimed with experiences I’ve had, and I think I have some idea of what you’re going through. I too have been through a destructive cycle of depression and procrastination, in my case during the second year of a PhD. I got to a point where I tried to end it and ended up in hospital - I’m so glad that’s not where it’s gone in your case, and I hope you get the support you need to work through things. I went to counselling for a while last year and I learnt something that changed my perspective and perhaps it might help you too. I learnt that our thoughts - that internal monologue you mentioned - are not facts. Sometimes our thoughts are not truthful and often they are unhelpful. That internal monologue can lie and it can be mean and spiteful. I think we assume that we can trust our thoughts and that we must be a reliable narrator, but for people who experience depression, it is often the opposite. I have a feeling that the 80% of your thoughts that keep telling you to just get on with it fall into this category. They are not helpful thoughts and they are not truthful. Please listen to the 20% of thoughts that acknowledge that you are going through something and maybe you need to take a breath and be kind to yourself. I appreciate your commitment to your patrons, but please take whatever time you need and look after yourself first.

Laura Dawson

As fucked up as it may sound, it was very nice to see your vulnerable side while expressing what's been going on. Like many I've been wondering what's been going on the last couple of days as things were silent from your end and I'm relieved to hear you're still with us. I've made a habit out of sitting down and watching both Avatar and Rick and Morty alongside you each weekend and I look forward to continue doing so when you're ready and able to saddle that horse again. It's been a fun ride so far, let's keep going for a bit longer. o7

You are so brave to open your soul like this. Take all the time you need, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to be as imperfect as the rest of us. I'll be here for your content when you're ready to do it, but don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.There is no need to rush back to your previous schedule, do as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. You are very good at what you do and I enjoy your reactions enormously. They are certainly worth waiting for.

As someone in tech, I fall back on what we call the retrospective prime directive: "Regardless of what we discover, we must understand and truly believe that everyone did the best job they could, given what they knew at the time, their skills and abilities, the resources available, and the situation at hand". As someone with mental health issues myself, I've always struggled with that sort of acceptance of myself. Suffering this stuff isn't a personal flaw, we don't bring this on ourselves. You can only do what you're able to do at any point in time (easier to preach than practice though). Look after yourself, the community loves you, and we appreciate you

Charlie Calver

I think a lot of people said everything I have to say, so I'll keep it brief - this is all super relatable to me. Take your time, ease back into your routine, keep the tasks managable. Remember that when you're 7 days behind, it's a lot easier to become 6 days behind than it is to become 0 days behind. So just focus on what you can achieve, and allow yourself to celebrate the small steps you do achieve.

Eytan

I think anyone who has ever worked from home, or tried to at least, has felt like this - all that separates them is how long it takes for those feelings to set in. For me, it was about two weeks in. The fact you made a good routine and good habits for so long is remarkable, at least to me. I'm a problem-solver by nature, so if you'll allow me to be so bold I have a couple of things that might help as we seem to be similar people. 1. The number of shows you do should allow for a "normal" work week. 40-45 hours max. Work-life balance man, don't underestimate it. 2. The inertia problem - I always start my day with coffee. Half an hour before I *need* to start work, I sit down with my coffee and review my diary for the week. That sort of kick-starts my brain into work mode, then I'm set for the day. 3. Habits that don't involve work are also great. After a productive period, do something else as a reward. No matter how much you enjoy filming and editing, there is always time for something else. A 20 min walk around your local park and back or something. Anything that's not at your PC, because that is also my weakness. Damn Steam to hell. 4. That reminds me, remove distractions from your desktop. They should be exclusively searched for in order to be found. That way to have time to stop yourself, at least in theory. Nothing will solve our mental problems permanently, and everyone deals with procrastination and depression differently, but I hope just one of these will help in any sort of meaningful way.

Jonathan Charles

sending you positive thoughts and vibrations

Maggie

People have said a lot more than I could, but as someone who was basically shut in for a while there, it makes a difference just getting out of the house regularly. Take care bud.

Hypnobob

It's like you were reading my mind, and many others after reading some of the comments. Take your time, I ain't going anywhere. Just take care of yourself.

Jeff Clark

Glad to have you back and brave to post this sort of video. It's natural to see parallels but the attitude around laziness and coasting through school and university resonated big time with me. I'd recommend trying CBT if you haven't already.

I feel seen :) What you are saying is so familiar, currently in a bit of a work spiral myself. It took courage to tell us all this and I deeply appreciate and respect it. All I can say is take the time you need and look after yourself.

Lindsay Mathieson

All good, mate. Take your time and, when you're ready, come out swinging with Season 5 of The Expanse. I'll still be here, because you're one of the best there is at this game. Be well.

Ian Hillan

Genuinely, truly, thanks for the update friend. Was a bit worried about you. Have been in the depression/anxiety/avoidance spiral myself many times, so I definitely understand where you're coming from. You are truly one of the most hardworking people I've ever seen. The amount of shows you watch and content you put out is really inspiring. I can see how keeping to such an intense rhythm could be good for someone like you, as well as the danger of a knock-on effect if it starts to fall behind. Take care of yourself friend, we'll be here when you're ready and able to share more stuff with us.

Chris Eggert

A lot of what you said relates to me so I completely understand. Just wanted to say forget about being behind. When you are up to starting again, start from where you left off as if no time had passed, give yourself new deadlines and don't try to make up for the lost time. Everyone needs a vacation.

Maria Blauweld

I didn’t realise how similar we are until now. You’re my first and only creator I have supported on patreon and I guess being kindred spirits might be part if the reason.

Depression and anxiety go hand in hand and create a cycle that can quickly spiral out of control. Hyper focusing to avoid things that cause you anxiety can just make it worse. You get stuck in your head, your thoughts just going round and round making it all worse, then you just avoid more. Its hard. It honestly sounds like you are describing symptoms of undiagnosed ADHD, something that I have to deal with. Talking about it can really really help, getting another human's thoughts on what's going on in your head can help stop the circling thought in your head. You are not alone, you are not lazy, and we are here for you!

Daxeah

Hi Neil. I'm a sufferer of depression and have bad social phobia, and your right routine is important but so is realising that we sometimes fall off that routine and that's ok, we are only human . It's important to give ourselves credit for realising we have fallen and trying to pick ourselves up, because its not easy.

Neil, if I could give you the biggest hug across the internet I would! I have struggled with depression and executive dysfunction almost my entire life, and the desire to crawl in a hole and isolate yourself and do anything makes ya feel something other than the emptiness and guilt *is so real*. My heart goes out to you, my good sir. You are an absolute treasure. Your incredible insights and analyses and your warm and loving personality helped me find my way out of a major depressive episode just a few months ago (I hope me saying this doesn't put any undue pressure on you!) Something that has helped me with the struggle against procrastination is realizing that the term "lazy" was invented just about the time the majority of the world became a meritocracy in order to cast a moral judgment on people who are physically or mentally unable to produce labor. "Laziness" isn't a real thing. When I think about that it helps me distance myself from the guilt and feeling of moral failing. which I've found to be one of the biggest barriers to getting back into healthy habits. On the whole self-isolation side of things, have you ever considered opening a community discord channel? Of course that could possibly be far too much extra work on your end, but perhaps it might be a way to stay more connected with your fans. Regardless, as others have said, you are not alone. Your feelings and experiences are valid. Sending you so much love and good vibes! Take care of yourself before worrying about us.

Meggie Doodles