Life update + future of patreon (will pause for another month)

I'll begin with a TL:DR, and explain further down below! so as of right now I'll keep my patreon paused, I'll still post any NSFW art so you guys can get it for free, people who remove their pledges will still get the artworks sent for free, but as a bundle once I'm caught up (rather than an individual DM every time I update). I recommend you guys to keep the pledge, you will NOT be charged, and you will still have access to any artworks I put up for a short while. 

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Now for the long post:

Hey guys I know it's been a long time and I haven't been very transparent and or active on keeping you guys up to date with stuff. My mental health hasn't been as bad as other times, which is a relief sort of, but it still takes a few dips here and there, life is still a bit brutal on my part, I don't remember if I mentioned it here, but some months back I had to build a wall around my house to protect from thieves, and there are a lot of elements like that both on my real life and online life that have taken a huge toll on my creative output. It's really hard to draw when you're depressed.

As many of you know I opened this patreon with the sole purpose of helping me out affording therapy and psychiatric help for my many mental health afflictions diagnosed PTSD, and well for most of my adult life I was diagnosed as schizophrenic but before the quarantine started my doctor was looking at other diagnosis due to how inconsistent some of the symptoms are and lack of reaction to treatment. Unfortunately all that had to take a big pause due to quarantine, the mental hospital I went to is closed only open for emergencies, and well, long story short I've been unmedicated for a while which explains my mood swings, there isn't much I can do on that regard but waiting until the hospital opens. 

And I don't want to indulge too much on my personal life, but I want you guys to understand that a lot of this depression comes from situations out of control, I briefly mentioned how some months ago one of my friends was murdered and her photos were all over twitter, right now my grandpa has been hospitalized due to a lung collapse, my mother is losing mobility on her back, and a lot of stuff that while I try my best not to let it affect me it surely takes a toll on my health, and creativity. 

Which brings me to patreon, I have an unpayable debt to all of you guys, you guys have supported me a LOT through over a year, and that's been very meaningful to me, but as of right now Patreon isn't a financial priority for me. I live alone, I have some expenses, I have some debt, and the money I get from patreon is too little for the material I produce. I know I only post 1-2 draws a month, but I get paid 4-5 times from a commission of the same scope. 

Now the fault is entirely on me, I haven't done any promoting on social media for months, I've been slow producing art, and at the end of the day it comes down to a lack of inactivity from my part, as well as my involvement on some twitter drama that I kind of regret a little. 

As of right now I owe you guys 2 pinups, one being of Constantine that I have yet to start, and another one yet to vote. I WILL deliver those pinups, I just need a bit of time. I hope you guys understand that right now I'm giving commissions a priority because they are what help me put food on the table, pay my bills, clear up my debt slowly, that doesn't mean I have forgotten about Patreon, I wish I could sit 6 hours a day and draw on a consistent schedule, but my mental health doesn't allow me for that proficiency at the moment, the best I can do is do the most I can when I have a burst of energy. And I have some commissions that are about a year overdue, and I'm infinitely grateful to the patience of those commissioners. 

So right now I've been focusing my energy on finishing up commissions, posting here the ones I'm allowed to post, and when I need money I discreetly take a new one, it's not a good system, because my workload is at a point when is too big to have everyone satisfied with the work I can provide in contrast with how long it's taking me to finish stuff. 

But in spite of all of that, these two months that I've paused my patreon my happiness has increased drastically that final week of the month stress was really taking a toll on me. 

So that brings me to the future of this patreon. As of right now things are uncertain, however I think there is a very high chance that once I'm caught up with all the due art, I'll close my patreon. 

HOWEVER, there is stuff I want to do before I close it, and maybe even try to save it. 

By saving my patreon I don't necessarily mean in getting more money, but rather being able to find the happiness to produce artwork that I'm proud of delivering to you guys. 

I won't mention those ideas as of right now, as I don't want to make any promises that I can't keep. 

For the time being, patreon will be paused another month, and probably another month after that. 

I won't beg you guys to keep your pledges, but if I ask you guys to keep them it isn't so I get free money. My patreon is paused, and you guys are not being charged and I'm not getting any money, but still I will keep putting up the artwork I produce on here, just so I can share it, as of right now this will be the only place where said artwork can be found, as I don't have much interest in promoting it on social media. 

Last month I got some upset DM's that really hurt me because while you guys are entitled to the art you paid for and I guarantee you will get it, I do not appreciate being rudely told about my irresponsibility with the platform, especially when I'm giving all my perks for free right now.  

I've said it many times, the pinups will be delivered, the nsfw commissions I produce will be posted, I'll be posting free updates for month's to come until I'm on a safe mental health to either close the patreon or reopen it. 

Until that day comes I ask you guys to have a bit of patience. It would really mean a lot to me.