My Weekly Gag Villain Job Is Pretty Fulfilling: Chapter 6

My Weekly Gag Villain Job Is Pretty Fulfilling: Chapter 6

…

Commissioned by Arksoul

…

Honestly, I’ve kept my antics clear of Europe for the most part, because they were really into investing in reverse-engineering technology and implementing super-science wherever they could. After the first alien invasion hit them, they really buckled down and threw money, titles, and the kitchen sink towards anyone willing to work with them.

A lot of cities were abandoned, everything got centralized into metropolises with shields and planetary defense guns, and the countryside became vast fields tended to by agricultural robots. Transit between cities was through maglev trains the size of buildings and covered in armor. Military bases were embedded into mountains or other defensible terrain and had hordes of robots and planes. Finally, the number of superhero teams running around in armored airships ready to pounce on anything at any weight class was in the double digits.

Yeah, I was sticking to small towns in North America. It was just too large to consolidate, and the heroes and military there were spread too thin. They had an appropriate response, with heroes being only for the top-tier threats. Most criminals with superpowers got apprehended by police in power armor and specialized gear. Heroes were a step below a conventional military response and also beneath a strategic military response.

You’re either street-level or someone who punches alien invasions back to orbit.

Asia was a big mess with dimensional monsters and magical incursions, while Africa and South America were tangling with Eldritch nonsense and some time travel bullshit.

Yeah, I didn’t have any plans on doing anything in either place until I had to.

Dealing with magic, mind-altering powers, and anything involving time was best reserved for re-imaginings.

Maybe after the first eight seasons, four OVAs, and three movies, I’ll start scouting Asia, Africa, and South America.

For now, though, I was in Rome and purchasing gelato.

How much gelato?

A couple of tons.

It seems that my boss liked it a lot.

…

Naturally, people took note of the fact that a suited figure with a head composed of shadow was purchasing gelato with gold coins.

Thankfully, while it was out of the ordinary, Metropolis Rome’s police came armed and armored… but without weapons drawn.

“Good afternoon, signore.” The two armored-up police officers wore blue, interlocking plates of armor that somewhat resembled a modern art piece. Lots of curved and small pieces around the joints. Not many smooth and flat places. I read an article once that the creator of the armor was a specialist in ceramics. The magazine showed the police armor in front of me shrugging off APC rounds, distributing the force perfectly across all the pieces, and dropping the spent ammunition around the officers wearing it, deprived of any propelling force. “May we trouble you for a moment?”

It's really odd to think that I could swing my hand and that armor would do nothing to protect the two peacekeepers.

Anyway, I did my best to play the laudable butler fetching food for his master.

“Greetings, peacekeepers, how may I be of service?” I was pretty sure that neither my boss nor Ebb knew what a butler was.

However, a butler in service of the big bad always lent the big bad a lot of class. A looming palace of dread is intimidating, but it being filled with elite guards and servants willing to throw down with the invading heroes every step to the throne? That tells the audience that there’s more to the big bad than just being evil. They’ve got people willing to die for them, they’ve got servants who can fight like hell in suits or maid uniforms, and if the heroes don’t kill them, they’ll kill the heroes.

It's one thing to invade an empty castle filled with gaudy riches.

Another thing is to invade a castle filled with sharply dressed servants fighting alongside elite royal guards for their master.

Like I said, class.

Anyway, I gave both officers a deep bow with a hand stretched out before raising my head. One hand back, spine straight, and the other above my chest.

“I am afraid that I cannot remain for long. I intend to purchase another four stores worth of gelato to please my master.” I fetched a pocket watch from my chest pocket and examined it before clicking it closed. “I can spare you both five minutes only, I am afraid.”

Both officers shared a look through the dark-red visors that they wore before addressing me.

“Thank you for your time, signore. We would simply like identification and your purpose here.” I faintly detected a burst of energy from their helmets. The hidden officers and the hero waiting in a faraway alcove all relaxed. Sorry, but ambushing me when I can have eyes and Imps in every shadow in an area is pretty much impossible. “You have done no harm. Save for depriving children of some sweets with your purchases.”

“Ah, I apologize. Please accept this restitution and grant it to the children.” A servant reflects their master through their actions. I was tempted to use gold coins, but there’s a thin line between generosity and gaudiness. “I shall endeavor to purchase only half the stores of eight stores. Please use this to apologize to the children who have been deprived of these delicacies.”

I took out rolls of silver coins and placed them on a nearby table into a neat stack of a hundred rolls with twenty coins each.

More than enough to give to kids.

Barely worth a bar of gold, since they were just half an ounce or so.

The officers forgot what they were doing and stared at the stack of glittering silver bound in simple threads for a moment.

Using the senses of my Imps, I found a lot of the hidden officers making noises of surprise.

The nearby hero had the most interesting reaction.

He looked like he was debating on coming forward.

It’s way too early in the series to start introducing other heroes with their own sets of villains, so I gave another bow before raising my head once more.

“I am afraid my master calls for me now, peacekeepers. I must go.” I think an hour doing nothing followed up by going somewhere else to get more ice cream would be good. Freezer 5 was only half full with artisanal gelato but should be enough for everyone—wait a minute. Freezer 5’s barely got anything in it! Five stores' worth of ice cream was barely enough for the boss! Thirty minutes then, and I’ll go through the whole fortified metropolis. “My master is very pleased with the quality of the gelato. I will be returning within the day to purchase more. If you can all be troubled to gather it in one place, I shall pay the creators handsomely for their efforts.”

With that said, I sank into the shadows whilst perfectly poised.

Or, well, as perfectly poised as I could personally manage.

Hopefully, I managed to play the part well enough and give my other persona a bit more character through association.

Robed figures of living darkness are pretty cool, but they’re cooler when they’ve got elite, loyal followers!

…

“And, here you go. An entire platter of sushi fresh from that spot in Tokyo that you like. Not the omakase place, though.”

“Of course not! A true omakase experience is in the sushi shop with the chef! Not takeout!” Ebb was thankfully in a better mood as I gingerly placed the platter of sushi in front of him. At over a hundred pieces and ordered just a few hours ago, it was like a glittering box of jewels arrayed on a black plastic tray with some fake grass, pickled ginger, and wasabi. Ebb practically tore off the cover and took the first bite while I was handing out boxes of grocery-store sushi to the Imps. “Ah, delicious! If there’s one nation that I shall deal with diplomatically instead of with force, it shall be Japan!”

“I’m with you there.” Japan wasn’t a place that I wanted to fight, anyway. With all the chaos in the world, they dove into robotics and cybernetics. Tradition and super-science combined, and now it’s mostly populated by a cyborg population that caters to the needs of humans. On the surface they’re pretty and handsome and in lots of colors, but beneath the surface they’re all more than capable of incredible feats. It’s basically a whole country filled with superhumans in plain clothes. That’s not even considering the fact that their military has even more powerful robots. Wouldn’t surprise me if they’ve got really strong androids and gynoids masquerading as ‘natural’ heroes. “Let’s stay in North America. Things get weird everywhere else.”

Ebb would probably have something to share about my statement, but he was focused on savoring his meal. No focus on me, the Imps, or TV. Just enjoying every bite of his food, and in between bites, looking at his platter of sushi and emitting happiness as he knew there was more.

I felt the same way about pizza or, really, cheesesteak sandwiches.

I should go to Philadelphia again and just order a ton of those.

Don’t know when that city might get destroyed, you know?

Anyway, I turned on the news after handing out a big sushi dinner for the gang.

North America News Network came online on a big screen at the end of the room.

With a big headline:

‘Mysterious Shadow Creatures Assault Alien Stronghold, and Intercontinental Heroics Association is Defeated!’

“Good evening, this is Barry Vernon. Tonight: a stunning report of a new threat right on our doorstep! Calota, I believe you have more.” It was a classic newscaster duo. Young up-and-comer reporter Calota Lock and older, esteemed reporter Barry Vernon. One appealed to the older folks and their likes, while the other appealed to the other side. “What did the IHA have to say about another blow to their credibility?”

“Good evening, Barry. There need to be some clarifications. The IHA repulsed the initial alien invasion with no military support and was set to completely rout the latest invasion.” Barry had a mustache and combover, as well as a plain gray suit. The conservative parties were against working with other nations. They wanted home-grown heroes staying at home. Working with allied nations meant sending America’s heroes over to foreign countries when there was already so much ground to cover at home. Progressives wanted to work with other nations, positing that they could get more heroes here by working with other nations. I was for the former, since that meant fewer heroes overall and no cavalry riding to suddenly save the Sentinels without proper backstory“. Then, they were informed by another group, the Sentinels of Light, that the threat they normally faced took over the alien’s last stand”.

“You heard it here first, folks. The IHA is a global organization that needs help from third parties but still gets overwhelmed and beaten with additional help”! Barry was the more effusive of the two. He had a deeper tone but spoke quickly and didn’t let anyone counter his voice. He didn’t yell or scream, but it was obvious he was going for no arguments against his points. Calota looked irritated at his statements, and sometimes she would argue, but everything was rehearsed, and they were following a script. “There’s news that Stormrider needed to have a limb reattached, and even some rumors that the Sentinels of Light did all the heavy lifting against the Shadows, while the Shadows dealt with the Aliens! What exactly did the IHA do besides get heroes wounded?”

“Barry, without the IHA, multiple towns bordering the Caribbean Sea would’ve been destroyed by the alien assault. Not to mention only one team of five was sent to finish the aliens off, rather than the entire group.” Yep. The IHA usually operated with overwhelming force. They came in with airships loaded to the gills with superhumans and dumped them onto the battlefield while providing coordination with local troops and fire support. The airships were warped in from all over the world after getting their payloads, and a lot of heroes signed up to be able to help at a moment’s notice. “It’s thanks to them that multiple fleets of aliens were intercepted before landfall with coordination with the navy.”

“If our heroes weren’t spread across the world, they would’ve been able to do the same!”

Barry made a bold claim without any evidence, and I took that as my cue to flip to another channel.

After the first couple of minutes, anything that can be backed up is already backed up, and the rest is just two talking heads trying to insert ideas into other people’s heads.

In other words, it was too boring to bear.

The next channel was more of a constant news channel that gave warnings and information on day-to-day stuff in North America.

The market was trending up, as per usual. America was relatively isolated from the world and enjoyed a high standard of life. Most heroes were brought into the federal government’s fold, trained up, and supported. Some people called it the birth of a new aristocracy, especially since heroes tended to have kids with powers, and those kids basically got a free ride.

But what were people going to do?

Not cultivate bloodlines that can keep the nation safe from interdimensional horrors, magical anomalies, aliens, and more?

Most of the coasts were clear. Just a few kaiju attacks on both seaboards. Nothing that threatened any cities with actual defenses, but a few smaller towns reported being saved by heroes. Even though it’d be safer to stay in cities and behind consolidated defenses, there were still a lot of small towns across America where things could go wrong.

Those were the towns that I was interested in, since I didn’t want to hit places that were already on the ropes.

Robbing a candy factory in a town that’s doing okay will get some attention.

Robbing a canning facility in a town struggling to keep itself up and running is a good way to get a lot of heat on your tail.

Not to mention hitting towns that don’t exist and are places where the government is trying to build secret weapons with all the super-powered scientists they can get their hands on.

I needed to do a lot of recon and work in order to find targets that won’t get a hammer dropped on us but will give me and everyone experience fighting and let us keep growing.

I watched the channel for a bit, took notes on places to look up on the internet, and after that I’ll look into the places that seem promising via my contacts.

The Sentinels sure were lucky.

All they had to do was keep an ear to the ground and pop up wherever I show up on Saturday.

For me, it was a week of building up, research gathering, and validation!