A Perfectly Logical Guide to a Superhuman Apocalypse: 71

A Perfectly Logical Guide to a Superhuman Apocalypse: 71

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Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Arksoul

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Vancouver, surprisingly, looked like a regular metropolitan city from before the world fucked itself over.

If not, of course, for the fact it was filled with perverts and animals.

I could handle the latter.

It was the former that I held issue with.

“They’re just walking around all over the place with cat ears and cat tails. Some of them have fur.” This was worse than all the times I popped into conventions to make bids and flips stuff made by honest artists. Coplay was understandable, especially if people actually made the outfits themselves and went the extra mile of sculpting their bodies to be as ‘2D’ as possible. However, I just couldn’t get that mindset to work for people in fursuits and simple appendages just tacked onto their clothes. It just felt… like they were just showing their personal fetishes off, instead of celebrating a character or a work of fiction. You know what? Maybe, I’m just a bigoted old man who is entering his yell at clouds phase. “Ignore me, I’m going to ignore them.”

“Your efforts are noted, Designation: Egress.” Parvati was dolled up in a matronly diplomat body in a pure white dress and flowing silks. I thought it would go with a fur coat, but after seeing all the animals around, I realized that it made the correct diplomatic move as always. We were strolling out of the designated landing zone for Maelstrom and Parvati’s diplomatic arrival into the city. Nominally, I was just marked as part of their transportation team and entourage, but I was noticing a lot of eyes aimed at me. “Hm. You’re attracting much attention, Designation: Egress. I thought you said that you didn’t operate in Canada?”

“I didn’t. Maybe, they’re just seeing teleportation and trying to get as much info out of it as possible.” Canada had a relatively low population before the war, despite the size of the nation. Nearly forty million, same as California. “If you’re wondering, no. I don’t have another girlfriend that made up a whole nation while I was away. Lorraine’s the only one that messed up in the head… and I didn’t date any super-scientists. I don’t trust them on principle.”

“Bigoted… but they do have a track record.” Maelstrom grunted and looked over at me with a frown. Wow, she really didn’t like it when I didn’t mind my words about other people. Just when I thought that she’s finally getting out of her girl scout phase. “I must remind you to not say such things here. Many of the Ascendancy are superhuman geniuses focused on genetic modification.”

“We prefer to call our specialty uplift methodology.” I did my best to hide my sigh of relief, as I didn’t recognize the speaker’s voice. However, I froze when I looked at the speaker’s way. Fox ears, fox tail, skintight black bodysuit beneath a lab coat, and glasses. Absurd proportions with a tiny waist, big curves, and legs nearly sixty percent of her total body mass. Holy shit, these guys really are just a bunch of perverted weebs. This war for the future of Canada really is between neo-Nazis, larpers, and weebs. “And, Egress, how could you forget me? I’ve spent tens of thousands getting so many collectibles with your help.”

I froze at those words.

I had only one buyer that bought weeb garbage that knew my codename.

I looked at our point of contact, who was so smugly smiling and… fucking pushing up her glasses to act cool.

The turned-real cosplay, my codename, and the money all came together into a very gross picture.

Fucking hell, the guy really loved his waifu so much that he turned into her IRL.

“Fucking hell, give me your new name already, so that I can complain about you already, bastard.” I grunted, moved in front of my former client, whose new predatory eyes glinted gold as I raised my arm… and she raised hers as we did clasped them together and gave each other a half hug. “Thought you bit the dust, since you never listened to me about getting a hole and just staying safe while the world went crazy.”

“Doing that would’ve meant abandoning my friends and allies… but your warning before you sealed yourself off helped immensely. We saved Vancouver through a few sleepless nights and some rather difficulty sciences.” I took note of Parvati and Maelstrom coming forward and flanking me. I got nudged in the side, practically told to keep going, and I realized that I was now the face of this whole diplomatic event. My old client and pseudo-buddy must be pretty high up in the Ascendancy’s pecking order. “The extra supplies you shunted into my basement kept us alive for a few weeks, until we got bioreactors running, too. We owe you a lot, Egress.”

I decided on just talking to the guy like I did before.

“You’d have done better, if you’d listened and spent your cash on a bunker system, moron… but I’m glad that I was able to help. Sorry for not looking around. Didn’t want it confirmed, honestly.” Not wanting to mis-name him, and not wanting to assume that the guy took his waifu’s name as well, I decided to bite the bullet. “Please don’t tell me you go by her name? Did you at least keep some of your old name?”

I got a few blinks, before a grin filled with fangs rather than teeth flashed my way.

“I considered it, but as you’ve discerned… I wished to emulate her and base myself off her. I could never be her.” More than a few people listening in nodded in understanding. In my opinion, it was cringe… but so cringe it went back to being kinda somewhat respectable? Honestly, I was glad my guy kept some semblance of his former self intact instead of just throwing it all away. The guy this person used to be had been someone I could joke around, spend time with, and shoot the shit with, after all. Didn’t want all of that dude gone. “My name now is Seran and I live and breathe to emulate her as much as I am able.”

“Got it. Seran, it is.” Seran smiled wolfishly with full teeth and a slight crookedness, along with a slight tilt to her head. It was little things like that that reminded me of the guy. Dour and with bags in his eyes, almost always hunched over and lanky, and only energetic whenever I secured his merch. Even with all the changes, the person I considered a good client and a buddy was still there. I could live with that. In fact, I’d probably do the same for Seran as I would my old buddy. “Put it here. It’s been too long, bastard. Tell me what you’re up to.”

Seran nodded, walked a few paces ahead of us to the front of the building we were supposed to enter, and cleared her throat. Standing tall, and fishing out a badge from one her labcoat’s pockets, she pinned it on the lab coat’s lapel before addressing me again.

I felt my jaw drop.

No.

Fucking.

Way.

Who would elect a person who’s spent a house’s down payment on figurines and doujins to the highest position in the city!?

“Welcome, friends, to Vancouver! I am Mayor Seran of this fine city and you three are honored guests!”

I could feel Parvati and Maelstrom’s stares digging into the back of my skull.

…

“In my defense, I though Seran would make her waifu real, rather than emulate her.” I defended myself without pre-emption, as soon as we were given a conference room. I went over to the concession stand to get some water. Seran and I had caught up, while walking into the city. “If you met her before, you’d think the same. Honestly, I’m surprised there aren’t dozens of clones of various anime women all over the place. All her friends are just as degenerate.”

“It’s a windfall, then. We have a strong contact within a powerful city-state that has highly advanced technology. This may be a method to ensure the health of many, many people across the world.” Maelstrom spoke up after a few moments spent contemplating the matter. She took a seat at the head of the long conference room table. The chairs were pretty good. Ergonomic but nicely padded. The sort I’ve slept in more than once. “What can you tell us about Seran, Egress?”

“Likes anime, gambling, and has the skills to get as much of both as she wants. Oh, and she used to never leave her house.” Seran’s previous state was a pasty, lanky dude with sunken eyes and cheeks and nearly all bones. Black straight hair, almost always oily and slick, completed the gaunt appearance she used to have. Sadako, but a dude, basically. “This whole mayor thing is out of left field… though the new body and life goals probably help. The whole character she’s emulating now’s a real go-getter and personable and aggressive.”

“Designation: Mayor Seran may have experienced a significant life-altering event during the last few years, thus leading to this extreme change.” Parvati presented its own opinion. I frowned, but nodded in agreement. Yeah. The world as we knew it ending sounded like a significant, life-altering event for most people. I mean, for me, it was just hopping into my prepped bunker, but for most people it was more than just a shift in daily chores and sights. “There are, however, no signs of such changes being forced. Much of the population is composed of normal humans, albeit with a few changes in appearance here and there. There are numerous clinics that abound with offerings ranging from simple checkups to consultations for full-body transformations and vat-grown transplants.”

I blinked.

“If they can do that, they can mass-produce superhumans, then. So, why the uplifted animals?”

“Because it would be inhumane to create people simply to use them as assets.” Seran spoke up, entering the conference room, while pushing a cart with one hand. She’d taken the chance to change into a black suit, though the buttons on the blouse were straining for dear life, it was a lot better than the skintight spandex beneath a lab coat. “And, Miss Parvati, I thank you for not entering any buildings with your drones, but keep in mind the privacy of my people.”

“I have kept to public walkways and not entered any buildings. Rest assured, Designation: Mayor Seran, I have only viewed what is in the public eye.” Parvati gave a small bow out of respect, while I took the seat closest to the door. Seran laughed and took the seat to Maelstrom’s right, and Parvati sat in front of her. Since the initial meet-and-greet was done, I was back to just being the driver. “However, I must admit that I came here swiftly when I saw your military buildup. I wish to prevent a massive war from engulfing this land.”

“The new aristocracy and the empowered racists make that a bit difficult, but we can avoid a fight, we will.” I gave a thumbs up at that, and Seran one back right at me. Still the one of the few people I warned to get the hell out of dodge, despite the bodily changes. She’s still the same where it counts… a fellow, logical person who saw the writing on the wall. With some good taste, out of her preferred hyperfixation. “Unfortunately, our people in the aristocracy have informed us that they’re already making overtures. They’re trying to normalize relations with the skinheads via concessions. It’s like watching a bad rerun.”

“And, you cannot ally with them because?” Maelstrom prodded.

“Well, for one thing, they see allying with us as signing up as meatshields or becoming a vassal state. If war breaks out, they’ll rely on us… and we’ll do our best to take advantage of that.” Seran admitted the truth of the matter freely, making Maelstrom frown but nod. Seran sighed and leaned back, putting an arm over the shoulder of the chair she was sitting on. She was also sitting with legs open. Seran, your shirt is struggling for dear life to not pop open and now you’re putting your pants at risk. “They’re right to be cautious. They’re stuck between becoming vassals to a bunch of people they see as depraved lunatics and appeasement until they’ve got pseudo-spiritualist fascists breathing down their necks.”

“And, I presume that you’re unable to keep the political party interested in subverting the aristocrats in check?”

“Lady, the ‘nobility’ are a bunch of rich people who have superpowers who hired a bunch of other people to act as their personal armies, while no one in the country could own a gun.” Seran scoffed and shook her head, before leaning forward and resting her elbows on her knees. Note to self, if I ever get tits bigger than my head… ask Seran who’s her tailor, because that blouse is struggling, but holding on. Man, I’m going to need to take this idiot aside later. Is this what it feels like to have a female friend that’s an airhead? “They carved out that land and made it their own through force. They don’t have many friends… and we’re not all that friendly towards them, either. A lot of people here came to us, because they ran away from them or were moved forcibly.”

“…The situation is far more complex than I initially anticipated.” Parvati admitted with a frown. The AI looked at Maelstrom, who was deep in thought. Meanwhile, I helped myself to some ketchup-flavored chips. They weren’t stale and packed up all nice and neat. I’ll need to start shipping this around the world. “I’ll need to speak to my allies in North America before moving. We had initially hoped to foster an alliance between your two nations to oust the budding threat posed by the invading force.”

“I thought that’d be the case. I’ve set you all up with a villa at the hotel, and I’ll forward a few profiles and some reading for your analysts. I can just give the heavy stuff to Egress, right?”

“Five bucks flat rate. Five cents a page.”

“That’s twice the old rate… and these aren’t doujins, they’re studies!”

“They’re literally worth more, so I’m going to charge more.”

“You’re hopeless, Egress.”

“I see no difference in a few pieces of paper being added to the tonnage I have rented from you, Egress.” Maelstrom piped up with a smile, and I felt my hopes and dreams die, while Seran’s eyes widened with amazement and a grin spread across her face towards Maelstrom. My grift! I need a grift in this super-advanced economy, Walker! Why are you taking it from me!? “Seran, please… have him transport all the papers you want.”

Seran gave a whoop of delight, while I groaned against the conference room desk.

Great.

There goes the starting capital I needed to break into this market.