A Perfectly Logical Guide to a Superhuman Apocalypse: 62

A Perfectly Logical Guide to a Superhuman Apocalypse: 62

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Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Arksoul

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There’s no shortage of greedy people in the world.

Now, if they’re smart and greedy, that wouldn’t be much of a problem. If you’re smart and greedy, then you know that it’s better to be cautious, because otherwise you’d stand to risk the shit you’ve worked for.

Smart and greedy people do their best to manage risk.

They work hard to lower the chance of anything wrong happening to their assets, their loved ones, and things that they care about in their lives.

Overall, if you’re smart and greedy, you’re generally going to live a fulfilling life without much wasted time.

You’re going to put in just the right hours and right amount of labor at work to keep off the chopping block.

You’re going to be friendly with your co-workers and your boss, because a good work environment is a productive work environment where everyone gets what they want.

You’re going to do your best to make sure that life isn’t a zero-sum game, because every goal is easier achieved with more hands.

Be a smart and greedy person who values your time and effort, because being greedy and stupid will ruin not just your life, but countless others as well.

If you want supporting evidence to my words, just look out the window at Earth with its population halved, most of its cities deserted graveyards, and all the dead, greedy bastards who decided that profit and power is worth sacrificing the present and the future.

Look, I’m not against you going out there and making tons of money.

I’m just saying, if you’re going to do that, then at least have the fucking foresight to not turn the whole planet to shit while you do it.

Other people live here, y’know?

Now, why am I saying all of this?

Because, I’m honestly wondering whether I should strangle Clancy for being a massive, greedy moron.

That’s right.

Against all my advice, he’s still going for the route where he gets full custody of his daughter and where she’s staying in the US instead of going back home.

…

“You’re an absolute moron.”

“Hey, you’ve agreed to ferry my daughter back and forth here and to China as long as I allied with Maelstrom. That’s your part of the deal, Egress. Nothing else.” Clancy had seen the logic behind allying with a living WMD. Then, he proceeded to decide that if he’s paying that much, that he should go the distance and just have me be his daughter’s personal, intercontinental car driver. Afternoon and evening in the States with dad and morning in China with mom. “Qin will agree. It keeps Bao safe, and she gets to keep training. And, when she wants, she can come over to visit.”

I didn’t know whether to be angry at Clancy for refusing to listen or be astonished that he could say all of that with a straight face.

“You literally fuck every woman at your settlement. It’s obvious that you’re sleeping around. Qin glared down every single woman at the table. You’re inviting Qin to your personal fuck palace and telling Bao to live with you.” I gave this man chilled soda and a quiet beach to shoot the shit at and he dumps this bullshit on me? Not only that, but he’s blushing like an idiot, too. Did you seriously thing I wouldn’t notice most of the people at your doomsday bunker are young women and the rest are old couples that you don’t care for? “Think about slowly, Clancy. Do you seriously believe it’s going to pan out well?”

We were still at one of my deserted islands and near my shelters. The sun was slowly setting in the distance. We’ve been at this for two hours. He’d agreed readily to an alliance with Maelstrom thirty minutes into our talk here. However, we’ve just been going around in circles with this new desire of his now that he’s acquired me as a private form of transport for his daughter.

“Qin still likes women. You saw her glare at a few of the ladies, but most of the time after she’s checked them out, too.”

“You’re delusional, Clancy. That didn’t happen.” I wanted to drag my exasperation out of my body. The best I could do was try and tug at my face through my mask. “I was right there! I was ready to jump in and get everyone to safety!”

“It’s only natural that Qin felt jealous, but that’ll go away. I’m willing to share with her, too.” Clancy insisted with a grin and confident, crossed arms. He said those words like some idiot frat boy gloating about his dreams to his bros while drunk. The unfortunate truth was that Clancy was five years older than me, that he wasn’t drunk, and he should fucking know better. “It’ll be like old times when you competed in who could run more girls ragged in brothels. Remember those times?”

“I remember going home after my job, Clancy. I only joined you after work for actual meals.”

“Right, right. You weren’t around for those. You’d have made good time with your powers.”

“Please, don’t suggest anything lewd with my powers. I don’t need that in my life.”

“Seriously, you haven’t played around with being able to access anything anywhere whenever you want?”

“I can send you straight up into low orbit, Clancy.”

“Right. Message received.” Clancy raised up his hands in surrender, but he didn’t look mollified in the slightest. “And, that just proves my point. I know her better than you, Egress. Trust me. She’ll be happy to accept my offer… though, now that you mention it, she won’t want Bao living in the bunker.”

Was it because the insides of the bunker were actually now a fuck dungeon?

Or, maybe, inside the bunker sound travelled far?

I didn’t want to know which guess was correct, and I wasn’t about to go into the bunker myself. Nor was I going to have Parvati infiltrate it and provide me with line of sight inside. The depravity within already promised to be ridiculous. In fact, I’m surprise none of the people back at the place were… pregnant.

Clancy was being really protective over Bao, huh?

I put two and two together and decided to just fire off the shot.

“Hey, is Bao your only kid? I thought you were just keeping the rest of your horde in the bunker.” I’d thought he’d been living it up, enjoying himself, and having loads of kids with loads of women he took under his protection. Tons of warlords did that, and I saw Clancy as the kind of idiot who’d go for it. Honestly, most of the warlords ended up dead by poison or with their throats slit with their superhuman abilities disabled. Since most of the women had looked at him with happy gazes, and since he was alive, I thought he was just treating and respecting them to the point they tolerated his philandering because of how he was able to provide. Since I was sure that he was fucking around, I’d thought he’d have plenty of terrible tots running around in the bunker proper. “Wait, are you serious?”

Clancy, with his usual smile gone, nodded at my words.

“Whatever I’ve got made it so it doesn’t take right with the normal folk.” Well, that’s a shame. Can’t image being involuntarily plucked out of the gene pool. Millions of years of people having kids until Clancy came around and some bullshit ends up with him unable to have kids himself. As far as I knew, he didn’t have any siblings, and he hasn’t mentioned any direct cousins either. That’s a lot of time and potential just absolutely wasted by a freak disaster. “So, I really want to do right by Bao and Qin. I’ll stop being with anyone else, too, if that’s what Qin wants.”

I’m pretty sure that is what Qin wants, but Clancy made a point of knowing her better than I did.

So, I dunno, maybe he’s right, the woman who had his kid is into enjoying a hedonistic harem lifestyle with him.

That’s none of my business.

My business was, however, seeing if I was willing to support Clancy’s insanity after he told me what he did.

The answer, unfortunately, was yes.

“Alright. Fine. Fucking fine. I’ll keep my word, and you can… go and try and set up whatever familial lifestyle you’ve got planned. Just don’t count on me speaking up for you. I’m not picking between you and Qin. Handle it between the two of you.” I support Clancy trying to get a family together by working as a chaperone. I’ll guarantee that the kid will be safe from point A and point B. Hell, I’ll even bring Qin along if she wants. However, I drew the line at convincing anyone about anything regarding relationships. Clancy can handle that whole mess on his own. “Just don’t fuck it up so bad that if you mess up you lock me out of the markets Qin promised me.”

“Thanks, Egress. I appreciate it.”

You better!

I’m literally risking access to all Chinese cuisine by helping you.

Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had chili oil or soy sauce!?

Let alone fried rice made in a wok!? Or steamed fish!?

I’m risking a whole lot!

…

Bao stared at me.

I stared back at the adult-sized superhuman that couldn’t be more than a decade old.

“You are strong.”

“Yep.” Clancy was talking stuff over with Qin about Bao staying over and the two of them having a family together. While I could listen in if I wanted, I stayed out of drama like that on principle. I overheard what I overheard, but I’m not going to try to listen. In fact, I’m thirty feet away from the two and enjoying some fresh potato chips. I’ll only overhear something if the two of them get into a shouting match. “You’re strong, too.”

Bao shook her head. She had a sort of platinum blond color to her hair and it was cut short to her shoulders and straight style-wise. She had blue eyes and a mix of Qin and Clancy’s features. Clancy’s sharp nose, Qin’s eye shape, Clancy’s cheekbones, and a strong but sharp jawline. Body-wise, she took more after Qin, but more built and with larger muscles. Honestly, it seemed like someone picked the best features from both and put it on the kid and gave the kid some serious gains.

“I am a normal human compared to you. Your power invalidates mine completely.”

“Get stronger, get better gear, and make sure you have the element of surprise, then research how my power works. You’ll be able to beat me then.” I gestured at her to take a seat and she did. Most of the festivities died down. Qin spoke with Maelstrom and Parvati while Clancy and I spoke. Those two were at another table, closer to the two, and listening in. Guess being an AI and a girl scout didn’t stop both of them from wanting in on the fresh gossip. “That’s how you beat anyone, but the way. Not just me.”

“What about her?” Bao looked Maelstrom’s way.

“A battle now fought is a battle won. You’ve won against her already by not doing anything she doesn’t like.” I threw some Sun Tzu the girl’s way, and she glowered at me. I shrugged in return. “There are people with power and there is power in the shape of a person. Maelstrom’s one of the latter. There a few dozen on them on this rock, and trust me, you don’t want any trouble with any of them. Just run away… or, I guess, have them deal with each other.”

“You can deal with any you wish. Your power allows you to transport individuals to wherever you desire. It is as beyond reach as Maelstrom.” Qin really only taught this girl how to use perfect English, huh? Well, I wasn’t about to complain. It wasn’t like I had a dialect when it came to Mandarin or any other language I spoke. “You could go across the entire world and send all your foes to their deaths in a day.”

“Then, I’d make a lot of people angry, have to kill them all, then kill the angry people again, and eventually they’ll win once and I’ll lose forever.” That was without considering the fact that I didn’t want that on my conscience. It’s better to avoid fights. Getting in a fight in the first place is a loss condition. All you can do is just mitigate damage and cost, especially when people are out to kill each other. “No. I’ve got limits, kid. I can blitz around the world a few times, but someone will get me. Maelstrom, though? Nope.”

Bao stared at me for a while.

“You have a weakness that I don’t know about that’s more common than I know.”

“Exactly. Good job. It’s versatile, but there’s plenty of weaknesses. A few things slapped on you and you’re safe, secure, and out of my reach.” I mean, I could do all sorts of things to overcome barriers and shields. Short them out by pouring some water in the battlefield. Just throw enough mass at the enemy to get whatever they’ve got to fizzle out. “And, you’ve got to watch out. You’ve got enhanced reflexes, speed, toughness, and strength. Most superhumans have half of that already… and most of them already died. You’re really just twice as strong as the average superhuman. Not an absolute existence everyone that has to work around.”

“I see. I understand. Thank you for your advice.” The young woman stood up and gave me a bow, before looking over at her parents. She took a seat again. This time… she looked less like a child soldier and more a little girl. “Do you think Father and Mother will accept living together for a little while? I like father and mother is happy here.”

Right.

I’d really rather you just stick a knife to my neck and tell me to stuff those two into a deserted island until they’ve got a horde of little siblings for you.

No need to hit me with the triple-A, hyper-lethal guilt trip.

“Well, I’ll put in a word. Clancy wants you to stick around and for Qin to give him a shot. Honestly, it’s all in your mother’s court.” I wouldn’t be Clancy’s friend if it wasn’t. Him forcing Qin to stay and be his wife for Bao? Leveraging a kid for marriage just wasn’t something I was going to abide by. Thankfully, it wasn’t happening like that. Qin had the final say on whether they go forward as two people or continue their separate ways. “I’ll talk to your mom if I have the chance. I promise.”

“Thank you.”

What’s that?

Why am I doing this for free?

You have a kid ask you to help her parents get along and say no.

Try it.

You’re going to see just how impossible it is in a second.