Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 168

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 168

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

…

I never understood the phrase: “not with a bang, but with a whimper.”

Not until I realized how hard people could fight, and how illogical fighting turned out to be.

Even in the very first battles I commanded in this land, when I thought that we’re on the brink, people fighting to their very last breath and dying gloriously kept everything together. Hell, I’ll go as far as to admit that I counted on people going out on blazes of glory to win most of my fights. The most terrible of odds possible, no matter what, led most people to go against their enemies with their full might for the sake of spite and vengeance instead of just meekly accepting debts.

Every day, every fight, I remembered the people who gave everything to give us a fighting chance to get out of Ylstu and the Empire’s control.

So, I luxuriated with the knowledge that the Empire wasn’t going to get the same opportunity.

“Ah, there’s nothing like reading reports and finding only good news.” I had a coffee in my suite/office on my ship. It was in the process of being rearmed and renovated, but certain sections were still useable. After adding copious amounts of cream and sugar, helping the coffee reach the stage of perfection that I desired, I looked at my report with a big, wide smile while Ur lounged on one of the suite’s sofas and raised an eyebrow my way. “The Empire’s going out like an absolute bunch of morons and it’s the best.”

“I would rather that we brought them low with a fair battle, but this state of affairs has its own appeals.” My second-in-command for nearly a decade got up and headed over to me. Soon enough, she took a seat on my desk. In the corner of my left eye, there was suddenly something very perky, tanned, and nice that threatened to take my attention away from my job. Years of experience allowed me to only to take a few glances, while Ur shuffled through the papers I already read. “The enemy falling upon their own feet and thrashing against themselves is entertaining, I suppose. Though I feel years of training and investment have been wasted.”

“An asset’s still an asset no matter what.” Right, Hachiman. Look away and stop saying words that’ll trip you up. Ur’s been beside you for a long time and you’ve looked at her plenty of times. She’s just wearing her usual armor and clothes. It’s a reverse leotard armor and the clothes are basically a skimpy bikini, but that’s beside the point. Stop looking before things get awkward. Or worse: tip everything over the edge and turn the ship into a den of depravity that you won’t survive. “I’ll find something to use them for.”

“Such as making Roseanne’s life more complicated?”

“Being a headache, but irreplaceable is every man’s dream, y’know?”

“I suppose.”

I managed to stop ping-ponging for a moment and read something interesting.

“Huh, so the kid finally gave in and gave Roseanne the information on the summoning circle.” This particular report came from a confidential report from Roseanne’s own circle. We kept a line between one another through her Royal Guard and my Kunoichi. I shared it with my inner circle while she did the same. We burned the letters when we finished reading them. “Looks like she wants me as part of its security force. Hush-hush, non-official stuff.”

“I am surprised that she doesn’t want you to administrate over it.”

“She probably would, if he could get away with it, but political realities keep her from fucking me over.” It would be a huge pain in the ass to oversee the whole thing. Anyone who got the job will be hounded from every direction and Roseanne will have issues with favoritism if she chose poorly. I was out of the running because I already had all the leeway everyone else was willing to give without coming after me and turning me into a bed-slave, which would invite civil war amongst the Kindred. We’d win, but we wanted to win the peace and progress, not rebuild. “Even if she handed over every Empire man over, there’ll be a rebellion if I remained in my position and got that job too.”

“I see.” Ur gave a hum, before nodding. “And, that’s why you’ll be looking for other ways to give her headaches?”

“Standing still is just a way of admitting you’ve lost.” I was sure that someone would take offense to my thought process. I vaguely recalled some story or game about the best thing in life means leaving a world as it is and respecting other people. However, I’m a selfish prick who cares more about his people than anyone else. “Ylstu needs direction. I think exploring, finding new markets, and getting things to speed up is the key to that.”

Ur was quiet for a moment, before speaking.

“You just want all the luxuries and entertainment you used to have.”

“Damn straight. My current hobbies suck.” Woodworking with magic. Reading erotica with barely any plot, because Kindred thought porn was the whole point. Trying to come up with board games that could sell without sexualization. Everything was boring as hell. “I’m setting out, industrializing the world, until I can watch movies, eat, and play video-games again.”

Some would say winning a war and stopping interdimensional kidnapped would mean becoming an industrial and entertainment magnate would be a step down. I disagree. It’s absolutely the best possible course of action possible. A decade or two of war and victories, followed up by how-many-years-long of advancing industry and entertainment? If there was any better ending for an old warrior, I couldn’t think of it.

I’m not just laying down my sword and spending the rest of my life reading and writing poetry… I’m getting stinking rich, putting my armies use opening up markets, and setting up the whole entertainment industry.

This was my new, personal, and selfish grand ambition.

The whole world will modernize, until the day comes where I can wake up, take a seat at a table, and mindlessly browse some form of the internet that’s somehow even more sexually-charged for hours and hours.

I had the years to do it, maybe even too many years, but the sooner I got started the better!

Ur, then, suddenly coughed and brought me out of my thoughts.

“This whole affair sounds quite time-consuming. Please, recall that you have duties to attend to.”

“Hrrk. R-right, I need to do that.” Can I have phantom pain even before the actual injury occurs? I was feeling a soreness around my waist already. The narrowed gaze Ur was sending my way was making me worry too. “Don’t worry, I know how to manage my time.”

“If you do not, it will be managed for you.” Ur finished and shook her head, before ceasing to lean her rear on my desk. I almost breathed a sigh of relief, until she kept speaking. “Know that my patience is being tested by your request to not do anything until we return to Ylstu. If everything went as I desired, I would be with child right now… along with my lieutenants, at the very least.”

Man.

At this rate, I’m going to wake up in an alley used up like a bad ended RPGmaker heroine.

Wait, these are Kindred I’m talking about.

I’m probably going to wake up in the middle of the communal areas of all the apartments I build.

Passed around like furniture for whole blocks.

Mhmm.

Yep.

I need to start planning on how to save my dignity.

While, admittedly, some depraved part of me was looking forward to it, because I’m a man… I’m also more than just a dick, dammit!

…

“The kid offered me the summoning ritual and one of his sisters, by the way. You need to watch out in case he tries anything.”

“Good morning to you as well, Hachiman.” Roseanne, it seemed, took the night off. She glowered at me from across the table. We were on my ship’s dining room. Most of the crew ate together, but there were different sections for hierarchy purposes. Discipline needed to be kept. I made sure that everyone ate good food though, since Kindred flat-out needed more calories. “I know that. I read the report that you gave.”

“Yeah, but I wanted to say it so that your Royal Guard would know for sure.” I gave Lisette a wave and she glared at me. Oi, I didn’t call you a cellphone in my head. You should treat me better! “Enjoying breakfast?”

“I am. My chefs were up in arms when you shared your galley with them before you left. Do you understand that you have twice as much food that I do?”

“It’s called planning for emergencies, especially with Kindred diets.” I kept a week’s worth of extra rations and supplies on hand. It took up weight on the ship, but it was better than risking my crew starving. I considered it fuel, and I most of it was dry good or long-lasting anyway. Lots of hunks of lard, spices, and salted meat supplemented by forage and what we can buy from the locals. “I don’t skimp on expedition supplies. People die when they starve, you know?”

Roseanne took a deep breath at my words, but her eye twitched.

I win.

“It is as you say. I suppose that this is all practice for your future plans to travel the world?”

“My plans to travel the world? No. I think traveling is fine, but I don’t love it. For my expeditions, sure, but I’m not going myself unless it’s important.” Finding strange new places and meeting new cultures with lots of firepower and ships at my back had its appeal, but it sounded better to do it while I’m safe in my office. I have the ability to do it anyway, since my communication devised by Henri was coming online. Soon, I’ll just be keeping contact with my troops like I had an actual phone. “I’ll go if I need to meet with some royalty or something, otherwise I’ll just stay safe at home.”

Roseanne nodded and accepted a glass of chilled orange juice, then raised an eyebrow at the offer for chilled ice cream to be added to it.

“You need your calories, and it tastes good.” Throw calories at the Kindred and they stop being starved, perverted beasts. They just turned into perverts with actual minds and willpower, but an upgrade was an upgrade. Not that Roseanne had an issue with calories. “Now, why are you here? I doubt that you’re here to ask about my future plans, and everything else is mostly taken care of.”

The Empire fell to infighting and we were setting up the new government under our thumb.

The Kindred were antsy and worried about the future, but I was going to lose my current position and relegated to just advising and owning Ylstu.

Diplomatically, I was safe with my current assets and connections to a foreign power, and Roseanne didn’t have to worry unless something really stupid happened.

Overall, things were settled and everything else could be handled through our hidden communications line.

But she was here.

“I’m planning on finding a husband and marrying them. You are obviously a prime candidate.”

I didn’t even have to think about the pros and cons.

“I refuse.”

“Good.”

Roseanne breathed a sigh of relief.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

Everyone else was stunned into silence, until Lisette suddenly stammered out what everyone else was thinking.

“W-wait… none of that was sexual tension? All of it was actual disdain for one another and barely-held contempt?” The Dragon seemed to be in awe, even as her own liege glared at her. In fact, Roseanne glaring at her only had her talk straight at the Demon Lord. “I thought the two of you were going to jump at one another like rabbits the moment this war was over!”

“So did I.” Ur spoke up and it was my turn to raise an eyebrow. “You were quite personable with her, Hachiman. I thought she was going to take your first time. Kurama will be heartbroken.”

Roseanne spoke before I could.

“I acknowledge his skills and his ability, but the very thought of being with him my entire life displeases me to my very core.” Bluntly, Roseanne stated her thoughts regarding me. She stabbed at a piece of carrot coated in a thick curry sauce and chewed it while glaring at me. “Do you know how much paperwork you’ve forced upon me? How many meetings you forced me to attend? How many political tragedies I had to navigate through?”

To those accusations, I deployed a tactical shrug, and Roseanne’s glare turned into nothing short of simmering disdain.

It was my turn to speak.

“Yeah, she’s attractive, but I pissed her off way too much. I mean, some Kindred are into that, but obviously not her.” Ur hesitantly nodded at my assertion, while I helped myself to some light soup and a salad for breakfast. There was grilled fish and rice too, but I liked having that after the soup and vegetables. “You seriously thought that she’d want anything to do with me? I mean, she’s Kindred, but she’s also my boss… one that I’ve given thousands of headaches.”

Maybe, if we got along initially.

Maybe, if we were friends first.

Maybe, if we knew each other earlier, before I went crazy.

There was a lot of maybes and possibilities, but they never happened, and Roseanne and I weren’t meant to be.

My current situation was depraved enough as is, so I didn’t see any reason to cry or whine about it.

Despite all my efforts to make countermeasures and shore up the number of men in Ylstu, I had the sneaking suspicion that most of the population was going to have their way with me there.

So, I wasn’t exactly lacking in willing partners.

“Then, with your disinterest and my own affirmed, I will be pursuing a husband that will care for me, give me a measure of peace, and help me along with my new task.” Roseanne bulldozed through the unease in the room with all the might of a Demon Lord. I gave her a thumbs up and she glowered at me again. We’re such good friends. “You have several Academy graduates at your disposal, and several young men trained and educated yourself. Are any of them worthwhile?”

“I’ll send you reports and general profiles about them. Hell, you can have them all… no, most of them. We should keep a village of humans around just in case.”

“Understandable, when can I expect the reports?”

“A few days after I get back to Ylstu. I’ll get on it right away, but travel takes time.”

“Acceptable.”

We chatted and worked together as usual, a subordinate and his boss, while the rest of the room looked at the two of us like aliens.

What?

Did everyone seriously think we were going to just go at each other like animals the moment the Empire fell?