Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 167

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 167

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

…

When it comes to talking to Kindred as a man, it’s best to do so from a superior position.

If you don’t, they’ll just see you as a meat-stick that makes them feel good.

With power and influence at your back, they’ll see you kinda like a person.

Still mostly a meatstick, but one that talks, I guess.

Anyway, I addressed the eldritch creature as directly as I could with all my forces at my back ready to kill her.

“So, we both know that I’d rather not kill you, because it’s my fault you’re here. However, I also don’t want anything to do with you, and any problems you make will be my fault.” I thought this situation through, just in case the creature I summoned didn’t get killed by my strike team. This plan was about five minutes in the making, but it was decent enough. I’ve had worse plans with a lot more thinking put behind them. “You have about ten minutes to convince me to let you live, or I’m just going to have you killed to save me from any future problems.”

Now that I looked at her closely, she seemed to take the form of a certain person whose name I’d forgotten a long time ago. Still, I recalled that the person in question was a giant pain in the ass, but someone who I tolerated for some reason. I couldn’t recall exactly why, but it didn’t matter. Her looking like that person didn’t help her case very much.

The Eldritch creature stared at me with wide eyes with yellow irises, trying desperately to come up with a reason to be spared death, until she managed to speak.

Surprisingly, she didn’t fall flat on her face and flounder.

“I… I have hold over the minds of the Empire. They will do as you ask through me.”

“Damn, wow. That’s actually a great offer. I didn’t expect that.” I looked over my shoulder at A’Bel and Ur. Both of them seemed just as surprised. After losing a lot of her power via being forced to become more human, the creature I summoned could still influence the Empire’s ruling class. I thought that they’d just stay crazy and kill each other. “What can you make them do? Just out of curiosity. I’ll never lower myself to handling slaves like them. Ever.”

A frown crossed the alien creature’s face.

“Their dreams are mine. They flit between dreams and reality, never knowing which is which. If I perish, then they will awaken.” Huh, that was an issue. Most of the people that went crazy are pretty strong and have a lot of people at their command. I guess this Eldritch horror had some leverage. “Spare me. Let me live. I will continue to have them fight against one another unceasingly.”

And, the offer she was giving was pretty good too… but I had other ideas.

Though, she pretty guaranteed her survival.

“Alright, alright. You get to live under supervision… but not mine. I’m foisting you on Roseanne.” The Pharaoh whose name I kept forgetting got ready to speak out, probably about Eldritch creatures not being allowed on the planet, but I just gave her the middle finger. That got her spluttering indignantly, so I could get my words in. Nothing like rude gestures to distract prissy nobles. “You’ll do as she says with the abilities you have now. You’re not my problem anymore. Got it?”

It felt really odd to talk to someone whose was surprisingly being reasonable, and who understood their situation, but when the Eldritch-abomination-turned-semi-human nodded fervently… I let loose a sigh of relief.

Nothing interesting happening, no twist coming out of nowhere, was always the best case scenario in my opinion.

“A’Bel, bind her. Everyone else, we’re moving out back to Roseanne’s camp. Good job.” I gave a quick, singular clap and nods were shared all around. Idly, my gaze settled at the place where I was summoned. The very center of the cathedral was an unrecognizable ruin, just like the rest of the place, and I felt a twinge of discomfort from my past memories of the place… but I just moved on. “I want this place blown to bits once we’re airborne.”

What’s that?

Moving on usually doesn’t involve blowing up the place connected to your trauma?

That sounds like a pretty shit way to move on, to be perfectly honest.

…

The ship took an hour more than expected to get back to working condition, but with the enemy defeated, we were able to establish communications with Roseanne before we reached her.

So, the Demon Lord decided to get on my ship and yell at me, before I even got back on land.

Man, it sucks to have a micromanager boss.

“Hachiman, what were you thinking!? You told everyone you had no issues killing it, and now you want me to control it!?”

“I mean, it was true. I didn’t have an issue killing it. But, it’s not like it hurt me personally, so I wasn’t about to do it just because.” I defended myself with the light of justice and fairness on my side. Without a semblance of a doubt, I was currently morally right. Sure, lady justice was probably giving me the stink eye, but it wasn’t like I was going to stick around. This was just a matter of convenience. “Besides, you read my letter right? If we kill her, most of the Upper Nobility of the Empire becomes sane again. That means a lot of dead soldiers.”

“I know, I know! But… you and I both know that Eldritch creatures are unaccepted amongst my people.” Roseanne groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. She glared at me half-heartedly, while I just shrugged at her. That sounded like her problem. I was just making the right, strategic move. Seeing that I wasn’t trying, Roseanne’s glare gained some ferocity and she addressed me again. “I want solutions, Hachiman.”

I ran the scenario a bit in my head, before speaking.

“Call her a doppelganger, attach the kid to her like she wanted, and keep them both on the Empire side of things.” I gave it my best shot… and was surprised as no one contested the idea. “Wait, really? I just wanted to put the bomb back in the center of the Empire.”

“Regardless of your personal aims, the idea has merit. We attach a Kindred to the last Emperor, gain control over the crazed masses, and leave many none the wiser.” Roseanne nodded after a moment, then looked at the Eldritch creature I’d retrieved. The aforementioned creature looked pretty miserable and apprehensive about flying on a heap of wood, because it didn’t understand a thing about this world. “How limited is its power?”

Henri spoke up.

“It did its utmost to retain its mental faculties and control over the Empire’s nobility. I believe that it’s gained quite a fair amount of knowledge and purposefully acted to save its life with leverage.” Henri answered. My Lich had revived Reiser just before we left and has been looking quite pleased since. Reiser’s suffering in her new life was a sick combination of finding out how perverted Kindred are, while also getting dressed up and fawned over by all of my troops. Hopefully, Henri will have some mercy and won’t do any body-writing. “This creature has understanding of reason. I suggest keeping it around, managing the madness it has wrought to our benefit, and letting it loose once those under its control has perished. A few decades and its leverage will fade and we can deal with as we wish.”

“I see. I will keep that in mind. Thank you.” Roseanne gave Henri a respectful nod, which made me glad I forced her to dress up more nicely. It would’ve been difficult to take the situation seriously, if she was wearing her old strings and body-writing, even if she was a very powerful Lich. “And, you have nothing to say against this course of action, Hachiman? We are enslaving them in a way.”

“I’d rather they all died and got wiped out of history, but this seems like a reasonable punishment for all that they did.” I’m still staunchly against slavery. However, I made an exception here because the people in question were getting a taste of their own medicine. This was the exception to the rule, and for allowing it, I was going to repent by staunchly doing my best to raise up the men in the Kindred territory. I’m probably walking into a cesspit of politics, but it was a good long term project. “I’ll overlook the pseudo-slavery this time. For a bit. It’d be great if they died quicker, though.”

Roseanne shook her head.

“You say that you’ll overlook slavery one second, then the next you all but demand they get worked to death sooner.” Tee-hee, pero. The Demon Lord glared at my response, before shaking her head. “Then, I will accept this creature, but my political influence is wearing thin. I’ll have to compose this as a sort of punishment for you, Hachiman.”

“Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Tell everyone that you’re forbidding this weapon forever, and that you stole my new superweapon away and sealed it away.” I’m famous enough as is. Or, rather, I’m infamous enough as is. Having everyone looking my way see that I’m falling out of grace, especially as the benefits of victory were on the horizon, was for the best anyway. “In fact, why don’t you go a bit further? Decree that I’m not to receive any further loot from the Empire. That’ll make everyone a bit less interested in killing me.”

“I’ll do just that, then. You’re correct in your belief that many influential Kindred see you as a threat now. This will assure them that your star only rose to prominence because of the Empire, and will fall as quickly now that it is defeated.” Roseanne gave a nod, before raising an eyebrow. “Though you are incorrect in regards to how they plan to take you off the board. Most of their plans revolve around using you as a stud.”

I was about to say something along the lines of “gross,” but Henri beat me to it.

“It’s highly unlikely that any territory in the Kindred coalition will survive such a thing. Ylstu’s will move against them for trying to take what is theirs, before they can have him.”

“I know, that’s why I’ve been keeping tabs on the matter.”

On one hand, it’s nice to know I’m not going to get bad-ended in the peace after the war.

On the other hand, it’s scary to think that Ylstu has plans and contingencies if I’m stolen away.

On the least tentacle, I felt a sense of dread in my stomach, and somewhere a bit lower, at the mention of what Ylstu had in store for me in particular.

Seems like I’ve won the battle against the Empire, but I’m just wading into the battle that is Ylstu.

Just how many Kindred was I going to end up with?

…

My ship landed at Roseanne’s camp with little applause. There were no cheers of victory, nor were there any celebrations in order.

Overall, it was a sleepy place that was divided between two camps. The Empire’s camp was orderly and neat and guarded against trespassers, while the Kindred’s camp had more than its fair share of flair and luxury, given that the Demon Lord didn’t travel into battle like poor people did.

I couldn’t complain about my how my taxes were being used, since I had enough extra to have my own ship with all the luxuries I could want.

My arrival didn’t warrant much attention, but there were people receiving me.

“Sup, pipsqueak.”

I pissed off the Emperor-To-Be’s guardian knight, but the kid took the comment in stride. Gotta hand it to him, he knew how to be a good, verbal punching bag.

“Lord Hikigaya, may I inquire how much of the capital you destroyed?” Ooh, he even knew how to ask the right questions, so that I’d actually answer.

“Most of the stuff centered around the cathedral. Toppled a few buildings. Broke the mains summoning array. Oh, and your wife killed just about… everyone in the capital. Good luck with that.” I walked past him with a yawn. My Kindred were close by and followed after me. They didn’t so much as acknowledge that he existed. A few Amazon glared at him before Ur stopped them. “Just to be clear, I’m done with you and your country personally. If you ever see me again, it'll be because you fucked up and Roseanne sent me after you.”

“Threatening a potential ally?”

“I threaten everyone.” I shrugged and pointed over my shoulder at Henri. “Just ask her.”

Henri demurely nodded, but didn’t elaborate, though I did shiver when her eyes drifted over me.

My words about being available once the Empire was dealt with was hanging over me like a guillotine blade.

Ah, well, that’s future!Hachiman’s problem.

“I see. Then, if I may ask, would you consider marrying one of my sisters? A few are still alive now and if her mind is returned—”

“Nope, not interested. Look around me, pipsqueak. I’ve got plenty of attractive, willing women… or did you think I’d enjoy having one of your sisters under my thumb?” I rolled my eyes. My reputation preceded me. I suppose, in the Empire, they saw me as a lustful beast that held sway over Ylstu via my cock. Now, I didn’t know how much of my peaceful rule was because I had a dick, but I’d like to think that my excellent implementation of stolen ideas and looking out for the lower classes made me a great leader. “Yeah, all of your sisters can go eat shit and die, as much as I care.”

I finished my statement with a definitive thumbs down and an expression of disgust at the notion, which made the kid frown… but I was used to dealing with this.

He opened up with something I wouldn’t consider, now he was going to offer something else.

Standard negotiating tactic.

“Then, Hikigaya Hachiman, how would you like the secret of summoning magic?”

Nevermind.

This kid was a horrible negotiator, because he didn’t understand me in the slightest.

“That’s Roseanne’s problem now. I’ve got enough on my plate already.” My words made the kid’s face contort into a panic. I considered the situation a success and moved a bit faster. “See ya around.”

“Wait, please! Is there anything you want!? We are both human—

My response was a single, loud laugh.

The Empire being humans?

That was funny as hell.