Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 124

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 124

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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Dates.

My only experience with dates is seeing couples hold hands during Christmas back home. There were also vague memories of my checking places out of a school magazine with a rather impish young woman. I didn’t recall her name, but I had a vague feeling that I had a somewhat entertaining time, which didn’t involve having to protect my chastity or looking at lots of bare skin all the time.

So, I hoped that whoever that cheeky person was doing fine wherever she was.

But back to my practical experience in spending time romantically with a woman.

I had none.

By all means, I was currently the stereotypical young, male adult who never had a romantic female relationship because of outside circumstances. Some guys never had it because they were Otaku, some guys weren’t because they were focused on something productive, and some guys were just morons. For me, however, it was because I was kidnapped into another world, impressed into a penal legion, and forced to endure attrition-based warfare for years.

Therefore, after I explained all of that to Kurama and left it to her.

I’ve been on a few dates since then.

Most of them didn’t stay far from home. Kurama would cook something, we’d spend time together, and then we’d talk ourselves or work. She liked to talk about where she was raised, her dreams of visiting her ancestral homeland, and the progress she was making. I liked avoiding talking about where I was raised, could barely think about the possibility of going home without breaking down, and talked too much about boring things about Ylstu.

Naturally, I mostly listened and implemented the three treasures of introverts when it came to conversation:

“Is that so?”

“Amazing.”

“Tell me more.”

I wasn’t sure where I picked up those three treasured phrases. Maybe it was just ingrained into my being as an introvert and came to me during times of crisis. However, without a doubt, I cherished those three words with all my heart. They carried every conversation, until I was confronted with a direct question, and as terrible as I was at conversations, I was at least capable of answering questions.

It was a lot better than having nothing to say and enduring a painful silence between yourself and another person.

…

The capital was famed for its gourmet offerings crafted by skilled users of magic. The cuisine of the Kindred, in its most established cities, were the results of magical spells perfected by their casters. The best cooks amongst the Kindred were well-known and famed, while the rising stars were carefully watched, because having feasts and socializing was an integral part of Kindred society and having the best food available was a mark of high social standing that everyone respected.

Politics and morality differed between groups of the Kindred, but food was a mainstay that they all enjoyed.

Sometimes, though, perfection became tiring, so I requested a kitchen be built at my place of stay in the capital.  Sometimes I cooked, sometimes Ur cooked, and sometimes Kurama cooked. The Kikimora adored the kitchen and the Kunoichi and Amazons came around to learn how to cook from them, while Ashe stayed close to eat anything that anyone was willing to give her. We all ate the gourmet fare offered in the capital, but sometimes you wanted food that wasn’t perfect to the molecule and perfected over the course of generations.

Anyway, for our dates, Kurama cooked the meals herself and she usually did well.

Today, though, she outdid herself on the anniversary of our wedding.

“This should be everything that you like, Hachiman.” Kurama preened as the meal was served. My Kitsune wife kept track of all the meals she prepared that I liked the most and assembled it for today. Her people hailed from a vaguely-Japanese place, so there was plenty of food there that was like back home, so she certain advantages when it came to preparing meals that I liked. However, about only half of the foods on the table were vaguely like what I had from home, and the other half was what I liked since I was kidnapped. “What do you think?”

“It looks great. It must have taken you a long time to make. I appreciate it.” I answered honestly, while taking a seat at the table. It was a small, private table for the two of us instead of the usual banquet table that everyone ate dinner at. Kurama had a large smile as she settled into her chair clad in her kimono, with her tails swaying behind her, and dolled up for the event. I’d gotten a haircut, shaved, and had a suit commissioned and wore it for the day, so I didn’t feel underdressed. I still felt outmatched in terms of charisma, but at least my equipment was appropriate for the encounter. “How’d you know I liked all of this?”

I unleashed one of the three sacred treasures of social interaction upon Kurama without any hesitation, but used it with all my merciless skill and understanding of Kindred while I did. It was obvious that she paid attention and did her research, but now I was going to give her the opportunity to gloat, which she wouldn’t be able to resist—

“Oh, that doesn’t matter! Just enjoy yourself, my dear husband!” What? How could this be!? One of my sacred treasures has had no effect? That’s should be impossible! What’s going on here? Why is Kurama on the offensive when she should be talking my ears off!? “Tell me about your recent adventure!”

Ah, it wasn’t a question, but I could still provide an answer instead of having to think up a conversation topic and carrying it.

“Everything went well. Took over the province, wiped out the enemy, and made sure that it’ll be useful in the future for either me or Roseanne.” I realized that I was summarizing the situation too easily and took the plate closest to me. It was a meat and potato stew with a light broth. It was meant to just provide something to prepare the stomach for the rest of the meal. I’d eaten it a lot after I was rescued from the Empire, and so did the rest of my surviving troops, because we needed a lot of preparation for our stomachs before we started eating full meals again. “Roseanne’s people needed a bit of help, so I stayed for a bit, but I left after I was sure that they were fine.”

And, that was the end of my conversation about my latest mission of vengeance for my dead soldiers. An entire household was purged from the Kindred, the political landscape of the Kindred was in turmoil, and my actions might incite a civil war, but all I had for Kurama was two sentences and barely a statement about how I felt getting payback for my lost soldiers.

I’d rather have my soldiers back, rather than have their killers in the grave.

You know what?

I think I’ll say that anyway.

“If I could change things, I’d rather have my soldiers back, and find another way to fuck over the flesh traders.” I barely gave a shit about the people whose entire household I’d destroyed. Their names and goals meant nothing to me. The problem was the fact that they still killed people who put their lives in my hand. I’ll forget about the people I’d ordered killed in the future. Hell, I barely recalled all the people I’d already had killed. But all the faces of the people who died under my command were still clear in my memory. I didn’t want to anymore assets added to Depression-chan’s arsenal. She was strong enough. “Do you get it?”

Kurama thought about my question for a moment, before shaking her head.

“I can’t say that I do. I haven’t experienced the same thing as you have, my dear husband.” Kurama spoke softly and shook her head. I couldn’t help but appreciate her honesty. It was a lot better than her trying to act like she understood what I was going through. Even though I wanted to talk about it and discuss it with someone who understood, having someone who would just listen and didn’t assume anything sounded pretty good, too. “But, if you’re willing to share what you think you could’ve done differently, I believe that I can offer some advice. I have worked in the background much of my life, after all.”

This was supposed to be the two of us spending the night with one another and listening to one another… but if she was willing to help me out and making sure that I didn’t make the same mistake… then I wasn’t going to say no.

“Tell me everything. I want to know.” I ate steadily and I enjoyed the food, but my eyes were on Kurama as she sat straighter. As far as anniversaries went, it was far from what I thought they were and what she probably thought it should be, but the circumstances didn’t allow for anything normal. I’d just lost troops, conquered a Kindred territory, and placed it in the hands of the Demon Lord. A great change has occurred, so I would just have to make things up for her later. “Consider our anniversary postponed for now. I want advice on handling the shitstorm that’s coming ahead instead.”

“Very well, then, my dear husband. I shall hold you to that promise.” Kurama clapped her hands together and seemed very happy knowing that the anniversary was postponed even though she put so much work towards it. I took note of what she did and reminded myself that I should do at least twice as much to make of for everything. I owed her that much, at the very least. “Now, listen well, and be sure to ask questions. I will be more than happy to provide.”

I nodded at those words and let the date fall apart.

I’ll do better next time, a lot better for Kurama’s sake, but for now my mind was on other things that presented dangers to us in the present and in the future.

The celebrations could wait, until we had a gameplan for what was going on.

I will make it up for her in the future though.

It wasn’t enough for me to just protect her, especially with all that she did for me.

I had to care for her too.

Especially since was kinda scary how much liked being ignored and underprioritized…

…

The fallout for my actions was better than I expected.

“They’re calling for your removal from your position and threatening to embargo Ylstu, Hikigaya.” Roseanne grimaced at the reports on her desk. It was a lot better than it used to be. She only had a few dozen reports to look through and evaluate everyday now, instead of every hour. “I don’t understand why you’re so pleased.”

“That’s their ultimate demand and threat, so that means they’re willing to settle for less. If they called for my execution and Ylstu being turned into rubble, then we’d have a problem.” Roseanne didn’t look very convinced with my statement, so I explained further from my seat across from her. “They’re a coalition of pretty strong nobles, but you’re stronger than you used to me. You have a way to talk to their people, influence their economies, and make their lives less comfortable now. Your mistake would be taking this deal as-is and making them think that they can demand everything they want out of you.”

“I am familiar with how bargaining between a customer and a merchant works, Hikigaya. The relations between a ruler and the aristocracy are not the same.” Roseanne stood up and walked towards her nearby cart of refreshments. I’d helped myself to a glass of water, but she partook in some juice and took a plateful of crustless sandwiches. She probably planned one working through lunch. “Especially with such large numbers of them coordinating and working together. More than a dozen noble houses call for this. I cannot negotiate with them—

I decided to interrupt.

“You’re working off the assumption that you have less power than you have, Roseanne. You’re stronger than you’ve ever been and they know it.” I grunted and shook my head. The Demon Lord levelled a glare at me for telling her that she’s wrong, but I explained myself like any half-decent conversationalist. “The numbers for the coalition look high, but how many of them won’t buckle down and take back their words if you threaten them with audits? You can do that now.”

Roseanne said nothing, but she did return to her table without her plate, and looked at the report once again. Her furrowed brown and the tenseness on her shoulders both lightened as she took in the names and ran the mental calculations.

“I see. You’re right. Nearly ten of these houses would fold under threat of more scrupulous audits.” Roseanne took a bell at her desk and rang it. I heard nothing, but a Kikimora arrived a moment later with a light smile on her face. The Demon Lord ordered her without even glancing up. “Bring the head of my tax collection service forward with her best, available agents. Also move all my appointments after this an hour forward. Prepare a good meal for those who will be waiting.”

“As you wish, my lady.”

The Kikimora left a moment later without even giving me a glance and with a lightly flushed face.

Note to self: never treat the maids like they’re just tools, because that’ll get Hachiman Jr. turned into paste.

“Hm, the remaining coalition is less problematic, especially with my newfound influence. What did you say about my ability to influence their populace, Hachiman?” Roseanne didn’t admit that she was wrong earlier, but I let her save face without a word. She was handling a pretty complicated situation, which I didn’t want to deal with, so I stayed nice and quiet to avoid work. “What do you suggest?”

“They can make these claims and demands because there’s no repercussions. It’s time for them to get some repercussions for being pieces of shit. It’s time to put the new literacy rates to use.” Roseanne had pressed hard since we met to improve the lives of all the Kindred. That involved schooling and improving lives by giving them basic knowledge. It was time to put that to use. “It’s time to use everything we’ve done to our advantage.”

Roseanne nodded and took out a notebook, while I prepared to bend the aristocracy over the barrel. They thought that we were just giving the peasantry better lives, and making things difficult for them that way, but in fact we had complete control over the Kindred’s social infrastructure.  It was time for Roseanne’s voice to resonate across the entire continent from every bulletin board, post office, and government building that she had.

Every little thing that improved countless Kindred lives over the last few years were soon going to blare the same message: Roseanne’s right and her opponents are wrong.

It wasn’t the internet, but in this day in age, it’ll do.