Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 111

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 111

…

Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

…

My return to Roseanne was going about as well as expected.

Cellphone-chan looked at me, while I looked back from where I was being kept under arrest by the Demon Lord’s Royal Guard. I was about a day into being held in the palace while Roseanne figured out a way to deal with the problem that I plopped onto her plate. Now, I was staring up at a Roseanne’s Royal Guard Captain, a Dragon in fully enchanted armor, and who I’ve personally seen immolate entire squadrons of Empire soldiery without hesitation.

I gave her a wave.

“Sup, how’s my Dragon doing?” I stretched and got up from the sofa I’d been lounging upon. Given my status In Roseanne’s Empire, a cell in the dungeons would’ve been a terrible choice of confinement. Roseanne would’ve had to answer a lot of questions from my other colleagues about my maltreatment, even if they disliked me for making their lives harder. Thus, I had a small wing of Roseanne’s palace for my confinement. Because of how easily I was interred, I was pretty sure that Roseanne had it prepared months in advance. “Please tell me that I can use both my Archdemon and Kitsune in battle now. Having to use one for a battery for my ship is a real headache.”

Cellphone-chan’s eyebrow twitched at my words and glared down at me. She was in full armor save for her helmet, which she carried under her shoulder.

“Lizbeth has too many bad habits to unlearn before she is released to your service. It will be at least another season before she is judged worthy of working off her crimes under your command.” Cellphone-chan spoked seriously and with a clipped tone. She followed me to the dining area of the villa and took the seat one chair down to my right. She was keeping my distance, but she was a hands-free device so it wasn’t a big deal. A maid came by that gave me dreamy eyes, while serving some tea and sandwiches, until a Kunoichi clambered out from beneath the table and glared at her until she bowed and walked away. The Kunoichi returned to the shadows beneath the table after that. “But that is not why am here… and are you not going to speak about the Kunoichi that left and returned to the shadows beneath the table?”

Instead, I relied upon an old standby courtesy of a certain priestess who travelled with a certain, respectable individual with a keen mind for how to murder.

“You get used to it.” I sipped on the tea and enjoyed one of the sandwiches. Thankfully, this world was normal in some ways and actually knew how to cook, so I wasn’t just munching on some hard bread with cold cuts. It was a fingerling/tea sandwich made with soft, crustless bread, mayonnaise, bacon, and tomato. A meal for me, but practically nothing for a Kindred’s metabolism, despite how tasty it was. Hopefully, Roseanne was working hard on churning out ration kits filled with spices, pickled vegetables, and cured fats for the Kindred. “Let’s just get one with things. What does Roseanne want?”

“Demon Lord Roseanne would like you to be sent elsewhere in near practical exile and do nothing while she does her best here. You were expected to be abroad for at least five years with the Pharaoh’s understanding of time, yet you are here within half of a year.” Cellphone chan grunted in thanks as a platter of food was served to her. I blinked as I took it in. It was a large bowl of boiled grains smothered in a well-spiced gravy with lot of hunks of meat that would have me gain weight in seconds after a bite. Huh, Roseanne didn’t overlook changing the cuisine in her palace, or at least her guards. That explained why all the troops here actually felt like soldiers now. Neat. “…You were the reason for the improvement in meals, weren’t you?”

“Unless some other unlucky bastard popped over here with knowledge of nutrition, then I probably am.” I shrugged.

“You have my thanks, then. Many of my soldiers have grown as they can be, despite not having husbands. My people owe you much.” I didn’t expect the nod of respect nor the earnest words, but after a few weeks at sea and a developing island resort/hideaway, I was beyond any feminine wiles. As honest and earnest Cellphone-chan’s words were, my instincts as a man was thoroughly desensitized. “But let us continue as you asked of me; Demon Lord Roseanne’s desires are simple: she wants a period of stability for her to work bereft of any surprise, either good or evil, because in either case she is left floundering and forced to act while waylaying her projects.”

“Oh, please. I’m just doing the best job that I can wherever I find myself. I’m not some avatar of chaos and interesting times. If I was, I’d make sure everything bad in the world happened to the Empire.” I examined one sandwich. It was an egg sandwich. I liked egg sandwiches. I had them made for me back in Ylstu. However, in Ylstu, I knew that the eggs came from chickens. Kindred ate unfertilized eggs from the avian species of their kind all the time and I didn’t see any coops within a few miles of the capital… so I ignored it. “It’s not my fault the rest of the world reacts differently to how I do things. I’m just doing my best, y’know?”

If the world couldn’t react normally to the things that I did, was I supposed to change for the world so that it’d be more comfortable? After everything that I had to go through, my most definitive answer to that was: no. I had my world turned upside/down, inside/out, and absolutely fucked, so I had little compassion for anyone who didn’t want me to do my best to get absolutely every advantage that I had for my own goals and purposes. If everyone else had the advantages that I had, then they’d use it and leave me to catch up on my own, and it’s only because I’m ahead that people have decided to complain because they can’t catch up.

In the face of my words, however, Cellphone-chan just shook her head after polishing off her bowl of food.

“You cannot push against the entirety of the world on your own. While Lady Roseanne has not considered putting you in your place, I have come here to tell you that many of her advisors believe that she should, lest she lose power… and they do in the process as well.” Rosanne’s Royal Guard Captain stared me down after wiping her face clean. She stood up and looked down upon me, but there wasn’t an ounce of hate in her eyes. “I have seen your works, Hikigaya Hachiman, and I support your course as Lady Roseanne does. However, if you do not slow down, you will find yourself without a foundation to enact your works… as well as allies to aid you in the wars to come.”

The Dragon moved to leave, but turned around to offer me one final set of words before leaving completely.

“Lady Roseanne’s physical power is immense, but her influence waxes and wanes depending on her vassals. Should she appear too weak and incapable, then the lands will fracture, which will disrupt your plans.” The Dragon once again met my gaze at the threshold of the dining room. I stared at her from one end of a long table. It kinda felt like I was being warned by a fellow employee right before a big meeting. “Many are unsure of your loyalty, Hikigaya Hachiman. Therefore no one knows whether your actions increase er prestige or lower it. If you wish to continue your current path, and not have to fight a civil war as well as the Empire, then you must either do as she commands and be quiet for a few years or achieve something grand in her name.”

Though I wanted to say something snarky and clever in response, the Dragon left before I could.

It was good that she did though, because even after a few minutes of thinking, I couldn’t come up with a good response.

I really hated the sinking, depressing feeling that welled up in my stomach whenever people told me something useful, but I didn’t want to do it.

…

Roseanne’s office was messier than I remembered and the Demon Lord looked more haggard the last time I saw her. Despite the fact that she was probably eating properly now, Roseanne’s eyes had bags beneath them, her hair looked a bit thinner than the last time I saw it, and there was a little gauntness to her cheeks. To complete the transformation, the black and red dresses that she preferred wasn’t anywhere to be found, and she was practically wearing a button-up shirt and some pants while behind her desk.

If she had a loosened tie hanging off her neck like a noose, then she’d look more like the deranged, overworked corporate slave… but the stacks and stacks of paper on her desk made up for that. Some righteous anger filled her eyes when she looked up at me, but I ignored it in favor of palming my face and making some solutions towards the fact that my boss was a busybody who wanted to do everything herself.

“I have a Pharaoh captured with centuries of experience working was a ruler. She’s yours now and you need to use her to lighten your load.” I took several strides forward and approached the “In” stack before Roseanne could speak. I nabbed off the top half of the pile and sat down on the chair in front of the Demon Lord’s table. The stack reached the top of the armrest, but I attacked it with unerring precision and skill born from experience. I read the summary, skimmed the body paragraphs, and read the conclusion, before making a verdict. “This should be dealt with by a provincial officer. Not you.”

I tossed the sheaf of papers bound together at my feet, while Roseanne looked at me like I was her savior, even though she should be reprimanding me for my actions in the Pharaoh’s lands. I’ll remind her to do that later, after I saved her from working herself to death and potentially leaving me with a worse boss.

“You’re trying to administrate your entire country like I’m administrating Ylstu. Don’t. The officials you’re putting in to look over improvements and the funds you’re sending out need to be able to do actual work too.” The snapped my fingers and a Kunoichi appeared. I took the notebook I had in my jacket pocket, where I wrote the names of anyone who wronged me, and told her to take notes after tearing out the first few pages for reintegration into a new book later. “Will the local lords and aristocrats complain that you’re overstretching your boundaries? Absolutely, but at this point you can tell them that you’ll pull out your support for your reforms, because the locals will absolutely hate them for taking away their new shit.”

I looked to the nearest guard, who happened to be Cellphone-chan, and spoke to her.

“Get the head of her clerks in here and a dozen of her best. They all need to start training five or ten subordinates, so pluck some students from Roseanne’s academy.”

“Their education is of greater priority—” Roseanne spoke up, and she was right, but that didn’t mean that her decision was correct in the current situation.

“You’re looking too far into the future. You need to balance short-term, regular, and long-term gains. Goals for the next four months, the next year, and the next five. Right now you’re drowning in the short term, so it takes priority.” I seized another sheaf of paper, looked it over, and moved it over to the side of my chair to my right. That one was important enough for Roseanne to read through. “All your agents looking over all your investments in other territories need to have offices and staff capable of gathering intelligence for them. You shouldn’t make them self-sufficient, and you should definitely check on their budgets and verify what they’re doing, but they need to be able to do shit on their own.”

I did my best to recall how franchising worked, and recalled all I could about my parents complaining about losing good staff to branch offices and having to deal with training new blood, while taking up another sheaf of papers from the pile next to me. After running my brain through the memories and barely being able to read while I did it, I looked to my Kunoichi and plucked my notebook from her hands.

“New job. Get Kurama, Tanis, and their assistants here.”

Roseanne groaned a bit at that statement.

“Your diplomat and steward have staff on expeditions?”

One part of me was happy seeing an individual in a position of power wallowing in despair.

However, most of me felt only pity, because I’ve been where Roseanne was before I literally had no choice.

Well, it looks like I’m going to expand the bureaucracy of the Kindred before I get yelled at for nearly causing a civil war as a diplomatic dignitary.