Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 101

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 101

…

Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

…

As important as gathering intelligence and preparing was, only an absolute moron would try to gather intelligence and prepare as much as they could.

Several years ago, that was me.

In the first year of my command, I did my best to be meticulous, to research, and to never commit to a battle unless I knew all that I could about it. I’d approached it like an RTS, where I wanted the right counters for any foe I faced, and receive the least amount of damage when I waged war.

That mindset would’ve worked if I were fighting against some pre-programmed opponent, but not against another human being, which led to me losing more than I should’ve as my opponents gained the initiative and struck before I did.

Even though I pulled through with victories, they were pyrrhic, and I forced myself to change so that they’d never happen.

If I could attack the enemy, then I would.

If I could slow down the enemy, then I would.

If I could kill the enemy, then I would.

Speed, power, and lethality were the tenets of my plans, as well as setting up the environment to utilize what I had to their fullest potential. Against an overwhelming enemy force, it would be suicide to attack head-on, therefore I would prepare a battlefield where my units could operate with as many advantages as they could. If they weren’t, then I’d engage them rapidly, break them apart, and tackle them piecemeal while tearing down whoever ran.

The more blood I spilled the less blood my troops would spill.

It was an important lesson to learn, so I internalized it, and now I was going to use it.

I had a Pharaoh as a backer, a ship with a lot of firepower, a Demon, and a mission to make allies. The connections I needed were in place, the basic information that I required was at my disposal, and a foot in the door of the country’s espionage organizations. While I could cultivate more relationships, raise my potential, and even wait for reinforcements, it was better to get started now, before the other side could have time to prepare, and start getting my hands dirty.

How dirty?

Well, as wonderful as the Pharaohs’ society was, it still had its malcontents and criminals.

It would be terrible if someone gathered the most notorious of the lot and helped them cause a lot of problems with satchel charges and air support, wouldn’t it?

…

Mekh laughed at my plan, called it audacious, and gave me the information that I asked for.

With that information, my Kunoichi, Reiser, A’Bel, Wyverns, and Harpies introduced the Pharaohs’ realm to law enforcement with aerial support. The typical tactics of the Pharaohs were to use their fleets of ships to land troops to hold ground, bombard formations, and fight against one another, but they used a lot of magic to get around and weren’t very sneaky.

Any criminal worth their salt in the Pharaoh’s lands would be able to spot them and escape… but airlifted Kunoichi, a Heroine, and a mind-reading Demon acting as a field commander was another story entirely.

So, within a week and a half, I had what I wanted.

My forty thieves.

Well, three dozen, but forty sounded more appropriate.

Also, just three dozen criminals and malcontents across several regions with populations in the hundreds of thousands!? How was a guy like me supposed to instigate anything with so few criminals to throw at problems? The Pharaohs were really cutting me out of a vital resource by having lands that were too prosperous and peaceful… though I had to admit that their quality was pretty good, since they all spent their “careers” stealing from Pharaohs and lesser nobility.

Quality over quantity, I suppose.

Anyway, I thought about speaking to them all one-by-one, but I decided against an idiot and had A’Bel bring to me the most capable and most controllable of the lot. By most capable, I meant, of course, the one who could lead the rest of them and fight pretty well herself, though I’ll assign a few Kunoichi to her to keep the rest in line and keep an eye on her. By the most controllable, I meant the one who I could threaten into compliance, which initially relied on the Kunoichi… until the subject that A’Bel brought along with me surprisingly came with a husband.

Yep.

It was blackmail and extortion time.

The Kindred before me was a Jackal-type with golden, furred arms and tall, pointed canine ears. One of her eyes was covered by an eyepatch, while the other was gold and glared at me with intense rage, while she attempted to bite through her gag. Unlike most other Kindred, she covered herself up in a coat meant for traversing across the sands for days on end, and she’d been the last to be caught in my demon-enforced, mandatory drafting for community service.

I gave her a deal that she couldn’t refuse from behind my desk on my ship filled with all my powerful subordinates, while I held her husband captive in a well-furnished, well-guarded room in Mekh’s palace.

No rescues for you, my new employee.

“Hello, I’m your new boss, because I have your husband. Do what I say for the next few months and you’ll get your husband back, as well as a pardon for your past crimes.” My completely honest and earnest words were met with growls and a narrowed eye, but I continued. She didn’t have a choice in the matter. “You and all the criminals I’ve captured will be wreaking havoc in the lands of the Apophis. You’ll be doing that by stealing a few supporters of Apophis’s source of power: their Claims.”

Tanis and Kurama collaborated on an outline of what infrastructure was like in a magical, post-scarcity society. Bekat assisted as well as she could, while Mekh provided us with the missing pieces of the puzzle, which were the cornerstone of all the Pharaoh’s power.

Why did the very, very old and powerful immortal share with me the secret behind his people’s power, which allowed one of them to equal a Demon Lord?

Because he thought it’d be interesting, fun, and relevant for me to know.

And, of course, he was right.

“Your reward for doing this right is that you get to live, get pardoned for your crimes, and nothing else. The Claims you steal are not yours and your life is forfeit if you try to use it or keep it.” I didn’t even have to do anything to make sure that happened, since the Claims were artifacts that channeled power from the land and the people of that land into their Pharaohs. Pharaohs acclimated to their power after an entire lifetime of careful training and being raised for the job. They were powerful without the Claims, especially the longer-lived ones who’ve been soaking in magic for countless years, but without them even those monsters would find themselves weakened without a constant flow. Needless to say, a thief trying to use it would probably just stop existing as they became overwhelmed with immense power. “Do you understand? Nod, if you do. If you don’t, I’ll repeat myself after I leave you to my Demon for an hour. She has a lot of issues.”

A’Bel tried to send a little irritation over our bond, but she failed in conveying anything besides glee at the prospect of inflicting violence in my name.

Her bloodthirstiness was so intense that a few of my guards took notice and eyed her warily as allies… therefore the Jackal’s reaction was instant and significant.

Her single pupil narrowed into a pinprick.  Her ears flattened against her sand-colored hair. She shivered and shook, while sweat suddenly broke upon her brow. If my hearing and senses were better, I’d probably hear her heart racing and smell her adrenaline spiking, but I was just a normal human being.

I just had to settle with the fear in her eye.

“Remove her gag.”

A’Bel gestured with her hand and the piece of rope binding her mouth burned away into nothing.  I glared at her for the pyrotechnics, as Jackal panicked and fell to the side with a scream on her lips.

“Control yourself, A’Bel. You’re getting on my nerves.” She’d been excited to fight since we’d arrived in the land of the Pharaohs. That wasn’t an excuse to do things I didn’t want her to do. “You’re not going to get your fight against a Pharaoh, if I revoke our contract.”

“Of course, my dear summoner, whatever you ask of me shall be done.” A’Bel’s feelings of satisfaction would’ve been evident even if I wasn’t directly getting it pumped into my brain. She probably threatened the Jackal in order to make my power known. Or, she did it to get reprimanded because that made her happy. Both, most likely. “I am yours to command.”

I waited for the Jackal/thief to shake off the ash from her face. She wasn’t harmed by the flame, though I suspected that was more due to the fact that she was Kindred than A’Bel being kind, so she recovered from the shock quickly enough to answer.

And, it was a surprising answer.

“… I want it writ in stone, or by your Demon! I’d rather die and bite off my own tongue, than work for you forever!” The Jackal’s insinuation that I lied earned her another near-death experience, as A’Bel’s gaze narrowed at her. My Demon’s humor disappeared, and this time she wasn’t alone, as my guards in the room all reacted very negatively to the Jackal’s words. She shook as over a dozen people wished to kill her, until I raised my hand to silently stop them.

“You’re in no position to make any demands, let alone ask me to give you proof that we’re tied together, especially through my Demon.” I sat back and gave the Jackal the logical answer that she needed to hear, before she did something stupid that got herself killed. Shaking my head, I pulled out one of the few, latest products to come out of Ylstu. Potions of healing weren’t something I could imbibe without becoming corrupted, but most of my troops and my prisoners could take it just fine. “Oh, I’m sure that you can try to kill yourself once or twice, but let’s be honest: you’re not going to be able to muster the courage to do it more times than I can keep you alive… and there’s the fact that I can start giving you back your husband piece by piece.”

That was a bluff, but one that was very important for the Kindred to hear.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

I wasn’t Kindred. I didn’t need men to the point I’d give my life for one.

The Jackal was shaken by my words. An idle glance around the room showed many of my bodyguards somewhat shocked by my words, before they managed to recover and become stoic once again. Reiser and A’Bel both took the statement in stride, and Ur would’ve been unshaken as well, if she were present.

No. I’m not justifying my bluff and attempting to reduce the mental damage making that threat gave to me.

I was a terrifying warlord out for revenge, dammit!

Threatening to kill a thief’s husband definitely doesn’t hurt my feelings whatsoever!

The Jackal shuddered for a second, desperately trying to think of a way out of the situation, until her shoulders slumped.

Please, don’t hurt my husband. Please.” The Jackal begged and bowed. With her feet tied together and her hands, bowed, she did so by tilting forward and letting her forehead connect with the ground as she knelt before me. “Do not harm him for my love for my loyalty. I will do whatever you ask!”

“Good. You can go now.” I waved in her direction and the guards began to escort her out. The Jackal kept her eye on me as she was being taken out, but she wasn’t resisting. I shouldn’t be lenient, since I was sure she’d take a mile if I gave her a single inch, but I wasn’t a sadistic bastard. “Your husband will be kept safe, well-cared for, and unharmed as long as you do as I say. Now do what you’re told, before that changes.”

I let a sigh of relief leave my lips when she left… and sat straighter to do it again for the Jackal’s possible replacement, if things go sour.

The Kindred this time didn’t have a husband, so all I had to do was threatening her with death, and bribe her with a pardon and a future, like a normal warlord making use of thieves.

It was refreshing.

…

The door to my room opened and Kurama slunk it without a word, while wrapping her arms around my shoulders.

Naturally, given her gifts, other parts of her pressed against the back of my head.

“It’s late, my dear husband, it’s time to rest.” In the ship’s office, I could get a lot of work done that I didn’t want to risk on the Pharaoh’s lands. The magical defenses of the ship, meant to keep it from being sunk by magic, worked against abilities that saw people from afar. Therefore, I could make notes and record my thoughts in peace. I could task a team of Harpies and Wyverns to go back and send messages, but that would deplete my available, armed forces too much. Kurama poked my cheek and roused me from my thoughts. “You need to eat, bathe, and go to sleep, my dear.”

The words were sensual and endearing, but they weren’t asking.

I was being told to take care of myself.

“Yeah, yeah. I heard you.” I grumbled and left my work groove behind. My eyes ached a little and I noticed that the lantern I used was a lot dimmer than I thought it was. The bell on the ship, which rang every time the hour glass was turned four times, rang and told me that I’d been working for four hours. I was definitely over my usual hours. “What’s for dinner?”

Kurama’s arm intertwined with mine and she pressed my arm between her breasts. She was still wearing the clothes of noble Kindred for the land, which were basically just barely-not-transparent silks over the chest and crotch, with jewelry.

It was a very enticing look and Kurama knew it.

Her eyes sparkled and I was sure she was going to suggest herself… but decided against it with a gentle smile.

“A little celebration on the deck with fair Bekat as a guest. We’re eating the supplies from home tonight, since everyone missed it.” Kurama lightly hummed as she led me forth from my cabin/office with her single, visible tail wagging behind us. A cheerful smile played on her face, even though her eyes were slightly mischievous. “She’s been asking for you. I do believe that poor thing misses you… perhaps enough to ask for a diplomatic stationing to Ylstu when this is over?”

Kurama was a tease, but she didn’t lie about the intentions of other Kindred.

My wife liked to tell me about women interested in me… and offered to help the situation along.

It was bad with all her connections back home to our neighbors, and it was going to get bad here, so I just handled it as usual.

With ambivalence.

“Oh, curry. That sounds good.”

It wasn’t harem protagonist density levels worth of protection, but it was protection.