Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: What if: Roseanne Alternative.

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: What if: Roseanne Alternative.

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Commissioned by Lastmanstanding

Wordcount: 2500

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Happenstance.

Sheer happenstance changed the fate of all Kindred.

One of my spies within the Empire took note of an increase of the Church’s demands for resources. The Doppelganger risked her life to see what the Church summoned for the Empire to use against the Kindred. She’d feared some sort of monster would come forth from the summoning circle.

Instead, a single boy came forth, was examined, and then sent to the front.

I nearly missed to report and the inquiry as to whether the man should be abducted for our own purposes.

I’d nearly glossed over the report and sent no reply, telling the Doppelganger to return to her post through my silence, but boredom, tiredness, and curiosity intermixed.

Thus, a season after Hikigaya Hachiman was abducted from his world, and a season after I met him… the Kindred were forever changed.

The Empire had discarded him for his lack of strength and magic, but he concealed his true gifts.

Knowledge of a world that has become prosperous through magic and a familiarity with its systems, technologies, and history.

Hikigaya Hachiman was a storm that changed the Kindred.

He shared fundamental principles with me and my staff that his people used to discern the nature of the world. The foundation of life, the process with which to conduct science, and the various benefits found in the creation of an educated, well-fed middle class. More importantly, when challenges to those changes arose from within my circle of power, he was quick to provide a means to assuage them… or destroy them.

In a single season, with my power and might, Hikigaya Hachiman pressed the Kindred forward into a massive societal, industrial, and cultural change that would see it flourish and grow.

Plans were already in motions to lash together the cities of the Kindred, to consolidate power, and to create towns built for industry. Products suited for the Kindred “metabolism” were being created en masse to alleviate the demand for human men for nourishment. Tactics and strategies were being developed to perfectly counter the current strategies implemented by the Empire. New tools for both war and industry were being put into place which would serve as the foundation of the Kindred’s victory over the Empire and a new age of peace and prosperity.

He was a gift to all Kindred, an individual who would be praised by all Kindred for centuries to come as their savior, and whose fame will most likely spread across the world.

Yet… yet… yet…Hikigaya Hachiman still remained massive, utter thorn in my side that I absolutely, positively couldn’t stand!

…

Hikigaya Hachiman’s home was in the east wing of my mansion.

Half of it was a workshop and classroom where he answered questions and worked with my scholars, alchemists, engineers, and mages to innovate and push to boundaries of knowledge and understanding to the benefit of the people. From the depths of that workshop and classroom came incredible innovations, such as the mass production of steel without Dwarvish holds, the development of pemmican suited for the kindred, and the organization and means of transporting cargo rapidly through the continent.

Three quarters of the remaining space was dedicated to clerks. Most of whom were assigned to work with scholars to analyze and transcribe whatever Hachiman had concocted, while those in senior positions learned how to manage the new organizations and trades Hachiman was creating. A handful were set to return in the future after succeeding in creating and stabilizing their organizations, in order to learn more, and return to the region where they came with more goals and objectives to meet… until they were new nobility who directly answered to me.

The left wing of my mansion was now the center of change in my lands, and I demanded that it be heavily always guarded, and with all staff admitted to be thoroughly checked. Hachiman had assisted in the defenses himself, creating a system of identification and checkpoints that ensured no one individual can have access to every single location within.

Only I could go to every sector of entire east wing and the only one who could visit him in his room.

Thus, I was the only one who knew who Hikigaya Hachiman truly was.

I opened the door to his room and found myself transported to another world.

He had it designed and furnished as closely as he could to his home. The floor was varnished wood instead of carpeted. The first floor was dominated by a combination of dining room, kitchen, and a living room furnished with approximations of his world’s technologies through magic. A stairwell was included and a second floor added to the original room, and up those stairs was a bathroom and a bedroom, which could only be accessed through a door only he could open.

Every time I entered it, I was struck by how alien, clean, and minimal it looked, before finding my guard lowering within it.

The room was functional, yet comfortable in every respect. It was meant to be a place of rest, which could be easily maintained, and nothing more. There was no need for aggrandized presentation, so there was no constant reminder of my status within its confines. All who entered Hachiman’s home was struck with a sense of earnest simplicity and the desire to relax. All the gadgets and magical tools within were created for convenience, for ease of living, instead of being ostentatious displays of frivolous power.

It was a perfect place to rest, to unwind with a good book, and try one’s hand at preparing a meal or eating something made by my chefs. Within it, I could relax, breathe, and not fret about the eyes of others, nor be constantly reminded of my own position as the Demon Lord.

If only the man who lived within it was someone who could tolerate.

“Sup.” Hikigaya Hachiman was clad in a blue “tracksuit” as he lay on the sofa in the living room. He wore something worthy of his position whenever out of his room, but within its confines he didn’t bother. He had two kinds of clothes, several sets of each, and put them in the “washer” and “drier” that he commissioned. “This book is garbage by the way.”

And, of course, he looked down upon my choice in literature within the same breath he used to informally great me.

“It’s meant to inform you of the Kindred’s history, Hachiman. It is not meant to be entertaining.” I set the lock and took a seat at the dining table. Various pastries lay untouched at the center and a metal kettle with a wood-covered handle sitting on a plate that kept the tea warm. I took a seat on the chair and gave a sigh, while helping myself to the food provided to him every few days. He prepared most of his meals on his own, sometimes storing them in his “refrigerator,” and heating them up in his oven when he wished to heat them. The ingredients were brought to him every week, but the foods he couldn’t prepare himself were prepared by my cooks. “Not that you care, though.”

“Of course, I don’t. It’s garbage at backing anything up. There’s no references or corroborating evidence. All your history is basically hearsay.” Hachiman got up with a sigh and brushed back his hair and took a seat across from me. He took a seat across from me without asking for my permission and seized the kettle of warm tea to help himself. “I’ll get onto fixing that in a bit. All the textbooks are backed by you, your scholars, and me, so they’ll do well, but everything else? You can probably just let them be someone else’s problem.”

Casually, Hachiman informed me that the library of the Demon Lord was worthless and not the greatest repository of knowledge in the continent.

My personal library and my pride and joy.

I had to restrain myself from reaching over the table and strangling the smug out of him.

“I’ll set up a commission to start validating the information found in books, or invalidating them if they find the correct evidence. It will be easier in this world than yours. Many Kindred have lived very long lives.” After calming myself by eating, drinking, and taking long, measured breaths, I answered Hachiman and felt my heart settle at the surprise in his eyes. Yes. He had forgotten that witnesses here could grow hundreds of years old. It was a petty victory, but I took it. “Now, tell me what you think of my grandmother’s ideas and recollections.”

I wanted to see panic in his eyes, for him to squirm in his chair, or to even begin struggling as food or liquid threatened to enter his lungs.

Displeasure struck me like a boulder dropped from mountain height as soon as Hachiman spoke.

“Most of the ideas are crazy and the recollections are bland as hell to read. There’s some good information here and there, but there’s no organization, so you have to read the entire thing and can’t use any references.” Hachiman flipped through the pages of the centuries-old book heartlessly while demolishing it. He put it down and met my gaze. “If this was better written, I bet you wouldn’t have had to struggle reading through it over a month. Wouldn’t it have been nice, if you could’ve just picked it up and got all the right information in a single night, and everything you needed to know was organized, Ojou-sama?”

My teeth grit as Hachiman insufferably deduced that I lent him my favored book on governance after a single night of reading.

“How did you realize it so quickly?” I crossed my arms as I spoke and glared at him. He rolled his eyes and reached over to push the pastries to the side and reached into a desk between the sofa and dining table. He placed a board of sand on the table and it began to shift. Several fighters of various Kindred races came alive, featureless, but their weapons and bodies obvious. He handed me what he called a controller and took his pick of the gallery. The rest turned to me. “You couldn’t have read it that fast… and as you said… it was not organized. All the knowledge was strewn throughout and required one to read the entirety of it again and again to understand.”

“The spine of the book. You’re the only one allowed to wear things this expensive out.” Hachiman held up the book’s side. The spine was indeed heavily creased and since it was my library… he was correct. The only one who could’ve been allowed to damage that book was me. “You can learn a lot of things by just paying attention, y’know?”

I levelled a glare at him, while taking my pick.

In the last match that we had, he’d trounced me with familiarity of the controls and picking a fighter suited against mine. I had chosen one of my Dragons and trained with her while he watched. After I discerned what I could make the replica do, and listened to his instructions regarding how to execute combination moves, I fought him and soundly lost as I’d revealed everything to him. I’d learned everything soundly, and my reflexes made up for the unfamiliarity of my controls, but in the end he trumped me through being more careful, being mindful of stronger attacks, and chipped away at my fighter until it fell apart into sand.

This time I will defeat him by learning on the fly, revealing none of my own strategies, and leveraging my physical attributes completely and utterly.

When it came to fighting against Hachiman, one couldn’t have any shame, because he will utilize that to his advantage mercilessly.

Thus, I attacked him with my fighter with all my might.

…

“Again.”

“No.”

“Again!”

“No.

“AGAIN!”

“I need to go to sleep woman, it’s midnight.” Hachiman groused whilst I glared at him. The pastries on the table were devoured and my dinner plates surrounded the table as well. He’d taken one of the cushions from the couch and placed it on his chair to sit up, while I divested myself of my ridiculous clothes and took one of his tracksuits as my own. I glared at his sand warrior standing and posing heroically alone upon the board. “You need to get some sleep too. We can play some more after work tomorrow.”

Impudence.

Hachiman spoke with pure impudence, so I glared at him… but I knew that he was right.

There was much to do tomorrow… and I was getting quite tired.

“Fine. I shall allow it, because I am aware of both of our busy schedules.” I had many influential individuals to meet tomorrow. They were coming in groups now, in order to leverage their waning power more, but that made having audiences with them that much more annoying. I almost missed the days where I met with a half-a-dozen people every day. “You will not tamper or “update” this creation in the interim. I know that I am close to defeating you in its current iteration.”

“Fine, fine. I was going to remove infinite juggling, but have it your way.” Hachiman sent a cheeky grin my way while frustration filled me. He knew that I could not take back my words, even though I never wished to see my fighter be made utterly irrelevant ever again. “See you tomorrow, Roseanne.”

I sent a glare his way as I fetched my clothes from the sofa. He got up and pressed a button which summoned the servants to clean the first floor of his suite, while he went to go to his bedroom and bath above. The Kikimora attending to him was waiting with a wide smile and nearly-closed eyes as soon as I opened the door and began to clean.

I turned to bid him a good evening, but he was already gone.

The man was utterly insufferable—

“Milady, you must be more earnest and direct.” The Kikimora suddenly spoke and a froze in place, on the threshold of Hachiman home and the rest of my mansion. The smiling, earnest maid was just centimeters away from me and my denial of her words died in my throat. Her wide-open gaze had a disconcerting devotion that could only belong to her kind of Kindred. “Take hold of him. Do not let him go. Make him entirely yours… before some other Kindred takes him for themselves.”

Denial after denial rang in my mind at the Kikimora’s words, until the mention of another Kindred suddenly rose from the Kikimora’s mouth.

In that instant, a great fury arose within the depths of my heart, which I struggled to contain.

No.

That wasn’t allowed.

No one was to defeat and conquer Hachiman other than myself.

I will not allow it!