Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 75

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 75

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Commissioned by Arksoul

Wordcount: 2500

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I had to admit that the Dragon’s hoard was something special.

“It took me decades to gather all of this… to think it would fall in the hands of a human. My mother would be ashamed of me.” The Dragon was flanked by Ur and three of her best warriors, while we walked through the cave. While the Dragon paid her pirate crew, she took the vast majority of what she stole to her own, secret island only approachable from the air. Unfortunately for her, I had more than enough Kindred who could fly to take what I wanted before anyone else could “discover” it.

“Well, children are destined to disappoint terrible parents no matter what, so you’re the same as most kids with mommy issues.” The ground was mostly cooled, molten rock, therefore it was reasonable assume that the Dragon had made the cavern herself. Loaning her over to the Dwarves for the purpose of making very, very powerful furnaces and helping in excavation was looking like a better idea. Hell, if I played my cards right, she wouldn’t have to leave since she’d be showered in the useless jewels and gold the Dwarves were finding. “You should be angry that I’m taking YOUR hoard, that YOU made. Not for the sake of anyone else.”

The Dragon was silent before spluttering after fully processing my words.

“You… you’re critiquing my ANGER!?”

“Yeah, I am. Anger for the sake of other people is lame. Be angry for yourself. Why shouldn’t you be? You’re you.” I mused idly while making some estimates at what I saw. Henri and a few of the Harpies were doing the same thing, flying through the cave with torches, and searching through the hoard of treasures. There were piles of gold as tall as me from the back of the cave all the way towards the entrance. Since they were uniform in size and shape, it was rather simple to estimate the amount of money I just gained… a lot. I had a lot of money. “You’re worth it, aren’t you? You should be absolutely fuming about all your work and effort being spent by someone else in the span of a year.”

The Dragon was silent for a few seconds, and when I turned to look at her, I found a very, very angry glare at my direction.

I nodded in approval.

“Yeah, just like that.”

“How. How will you spend this all?” The Dragon spoke through grit teeth. She probably didn’t think that I’d be able to spend all her wealth in such a short amount of time. That would be the case for most people, even my fellow nobility in the Kindred. But I was different. “It’s impossible.”

“I own a rapidly growing city, in which I’m investing obscene amounts of money, so I do whatever the hell I want.” The Dragon’s glare widened comically for a second, which I enjoyed before reaching the first pile of gold. There were a lot of gold coins in each pile, and move a few to side showed that it was gold all the way through. Dragon-chan didn’t just gild her gold piles. Wonderful. “One of my most recent plans is to start a port to help out my new allies. The tribes here are very interested in a port and a big loan that they’ll pay back with a little interest.”

“You’re giving my treasure to those decrepit, little creatures!?”

“No. Not giving. Loaning and investing. It means I own the entire port, and they owe me money, which they’ll have to repay. It’s like making your money work, and grow bigger, and turn into my money forever.”  Was this laundering? No. Laundering involved doing tax fraud. I had no intention of not paying my taxes… and neither did my new allies.  Of course, though, Roseanne wasn’t going to tax them as heavily as they were me, because they were just starting out and developing. She wouldn’t be cruel enough to tax what I’ve found, since I’ll be giving it to the underdeveloped province that wants to became a center of trade, right? “Yeah, your entire hoard is mine. You’re not getting it back. Best you get on my good side. That way, I’ll treat you like an employee and pay you what you’re worth. So why don’t you reconsider being a bitch, huh?”

With all my experience with Kindred, I halfway expected the Dragon to start blushing and be a touch from creaming herself, but I was surprised by her actual reaction.

She actually growled and made all my Amazon stop her from taking a single step.

Ah, it was nice to know the criminals were except from becoming putty against a little masculinity.

Now I could really, really punish this bitch for everything she did, since I didn’t have to worry about her liking what I did.

Roseanne won’t be able to complain about my treatment of her now!

There was absolutely no way the Demon Lord was going to be able to spin this as some sort of sexual play and not actual punishment.

Man, I really, really hate how I need to plan for that.

…

I approached Henri while the Dragon was carted off to skulk in a corner. She still refused to give me her name, but unless she wanted to be the first inmate in the world with a serial number instead of name, she needed to change her tune quickly.

Anyway, back to the exhibitionist Lich clad only in a fluttering cloak, lewd body writing, and jewelry.

She floated over a bunch of items.

“These items have the most magic within this cave. As you can see, my family’s staff is nowhere to be found.” I crouched over the three pieces of equipment to get a closer “look.” My ability to use magic was abysmal and my ability to detect it was worse. Ur said she could “feel” and impending magic attack and dodge before it hit her. Me? I needed to be within half-a-meter before I could tell the difference between regular fire and a magical fire, even if the latter wasn’t speeding toward me. “But these should be of some use to us.”

The three magical items were a rapier, a golden chocker, and… of course… a set of pearly-white, lacy underwear that looked pretty and covered absolutely nothing important.

Dear Kami-sama, please erase this world from existence.

I don’t care if I’m included.

Just do it.

“What do they do?” I did my best to regain some faith in reality, so I stopped Henri as she decided to start with the enchanted lingerie that I really hoped wasn’t a fucked-up wedding dress. “Start with chocker, then the sword, and then the lingerie.”

Henri raised an eyebrow at my statement for a second.

The heart-shaped amethysts that should be providing the absolute most miniscule coverage on your upper and lower bits are bouncing in the breeze and covering nothing, woman.

You don’t get to question me, or be confused, about any decision I make.

“The necklace is the Ring of Suppression. For five minutes in a day, it wraps its user in a field of protection against both magic and projectiles of immense power.” Henri floated the black chocker threaded with gold filigree and with an empty iron ring at the center upward. “It is a legendary artifact long thought lost and it was used by the earliest Demon Lord when their magic was still at its infancy.”

“So, we’ll be giving it back to Roseanne, or keeping it and putting on someone who can’t defend that well against magic.” Reiser came to mind, surprisingly. Then, again, even though I didn’t like her, her skills weren’t in question, and it wasn’t like she could beat Ur or A’Bel even with the amulet/ring gag around her neck. Blergh. Never mind. It’s going back to Roseanne to earn me some Hachiman points, because the thought of the thing on Reiser made my stomach do backflips. “Forget it. We’ll give it to Roseanne.”

Henri nodded and… put it somewhere within the shadows cast by her cloak.

It was definitely going to need a wash before it reached my boss.

“The rapier which see has no name, but I can tell it was used extensively in the past, as it has been empowered to draw power from those it killed. It has grown strong from all the blood it has drank and was most likely used by a powerful Vampire.” Henri gestured and the rapier flew from its scabbard. It had a black hilt, silver guard, and a ruby at its pommel. The thin, straight blade was a deep red and coursed with power. It hurt to look at a bit, so I didn’t look at it for long. “It is likely that Vampire still exists to this day, so I suggest looking for her, and not wielding it. Such a powerful weapon belongs to a powerful individual who mustn’t be trifled with. It is better to let it gather dust in a vault than to use it.”

“Got it. Sounds good. Let’s go back to base.”

“The lingerie is the finest of the three and one we must keep.”

Fuck.

I didn’t like where this was going.

Two powerful, semi-decent artifacts were flying out of my hands because of outside factors.

The third, lewdest, and most absurd one was still staring me in face.

“It is a master crafted; artisanal dress composed by a fallen angel named Astaroth. Her designs and creations are known in legends to this very day. She departed centuries ago to East to challenge their fearsome tailors in art and beauty.” Henri held up the tiny pieces of fabric. A few gasps echoed through the cave, along with a roar of anger from the Dragon, at the sight of the lace triangles held by what as well might be spider webs. In the light ALL the straps on the set were practically invisible. Yeah, it was just pretty lace triangles. Pretty lace triangles that were HOLLOW and COVERED NOTHING. “This is the Sixth Fairy Bride’s dress and whosoever wears it shall share their life with the first man who they lay with upon wearing with.”

Oh.

Huh.

What.

“Lord Hachiman… you must absolutely have Kurama-sama wear this the day you turn her into your personal receptacle of pleasure!”

Goddammit, woman, at least call it sex and not something that filthy!

…

Ur started at me rigidly and purposefully, while I stood on the deck of my new ship, and as it was filled with gold and precious metals.

“You plan on giving that treasure to Roseanne. I heavily advice against it, Hachiman. It is better for you.” Yeah, here it was. The lecture from my closest compatriot in this hellhole about living forever by fucking a Kitsune. “Tying your life to Kurama’s is essential. She is powerful, capable of healing, and will live for centuries. All of that must be yours as well.”

I considered changing the subject, but the look on Ur’s face told me that it was impossible.

“I’ll think about it.”

“No. Commit to the decision now.” Ur pushed forward with her argument and glared at me. She crossed her arms over her chest and scowled at me. “Promise me right now that you’ll use it when you and Kurama consummate your marriage.”

I debated using a lot of different tactics, before deciding against it.

“What makes you think I want to live that long here, huh? Live past you, the Amazons, and the only humans I really know?” I went ahead and said it, while I looked at the people who I was in charge of. Henri, Ashe, the Harpies, and the Wyvern were all at work gathering treasure, filling the ship, and getting ready to set sail. “What made you think I want to be some immortal stud for the Kindred? That after the Empire’s finished… I wouldn’t want to just retire, grow old, and die peacefully?”

For a split second, there was an emotion on Ur’s eyes that I couldn’t believe that I saw… a look that combined desperation and affection to the point it scared me… but it faded away a moment later after making my heart start thundering in my chest.

“Hachiman… we both know that there will be great risks ahead. We are at peace now, as we grow in strength, and as our enemies wait. But war will come again, and it will be far more terrible and more immense than we have ever seen. I want you to survive that no matter what.” Ur spoke softly but seriously, and looked upon the box containing the “dress” with a look of wonder. “It isn’t a matter of immortality in my eyes. It’s about protecting you and granting you more protection. With that dress, with its power, you gain the fortitude and health of one of the strongest Kindred. It is something you need.”

Ur’s words and the emotion behind them gave me pause.

I found myself unable to do anything besides look forward… and think about what she said.

Ur was right, even though we were experiencing the closest thing to peace we’d ever known together, that was going to change soon. The Kindred were gathering themselves for war on a massive scale, and industrializing themselves at a good pace. The Empire was putting their twisted minds towards improving, innovating, and creating entire slave armies from their own people that could be thrown at us like superhuman waves. Undoubtably, the Kindred’s forces were going to clash against the Empire’s in a brutal, final war that would decide the fate of both sides.

That conflict was going to be a horrific mess, and I was sure that I was going to be involved in it no matter what. Roseanne initially took me in for my tactics, strategies, and innovations in the battlefield, and she was going to want that for the war to come without a shred of doubt. I was either going to be a general near the front, or an advisor with a target on his head in Ylstu, where practically all of the Kindred’s supply lines were going to go through.

Ur was right.

The treasure we found was more than just a luxury for me.

It was practically a necessity.

Therefore, I had to tell her the truth, even though it might hurt her.

“Ur… if I die, I don’t want Kurama dying with me. If I die… it’ll be my death. My death is mine and no one else’s.” I stood my ground against my oldest friend in this world. The words gave made Ur freeze. “I remember that I told you the same. If it comes down to it, if you need to give your life to keep me alive, I want you to leave and make sure the Amazons thrive. So… why would I ask Kurama to die with me, if I didn’t let you?”

For the briefest second, I wished that the miserable, fucked-up logic of the world I’d found myself in would go into effect, so that Ur wouldn’t be hurt by my words.

However, as per usual, the world decided that I didn’t deserve anything.

“I… I see, H-Hachiman. I… apologize for asking of it you, then.” Ur barely managed to hold herself together, even as I turned away from her. What did she feel? Confusion? Pain? Sorrow? I didn’t know, because I wasn’t her. But in the corner of my eye, I saw tears and shaking shoulders, and with my ears I heard the quake in her voice. “I will attend to my duties now.”

Ur fled from me, leaving me at the helm of a ship, with a treasure that I would never use.