Continued Schedule Shit

Yeah, the MGMH chapter this week isn't happening either. Sorry.

The reasons are fairly personal, but suffice to say I'm a jumble of vibrating stress hormones and little else right now, which does not create a mental environment conducive to writing. Believe me, I've tried! Many times! But a bunch of horrible crap has stacked on top of an already-growing feeling of burnout, and I just need the break. If things stay this bad, it might need to be in addition to my usual scheduled break, but... I always hate doing shit like that, so hopefully that won't be needed.

Those of you who have been with me long enough to have been patrons for Bioshifter and Vigor Mortis might recall a time a couple years ago where the number of written chapters in a month fell down to one, maybe two across both stories, because I was just not listening to my body's need for rest and constantly digging at dry wells. I like to think I've learned my lesson from that, but still... I hate taking breaks. I hate it.

It often feels to me like writing isn't 'real' work, that I 'should' be able to output twelve thousand plus words per week easy peasy lemon squeezy every time, and the only thing preventing it is my own laziness. After all, at my peak I can get my daily wordcount done in like, two or three hours tops. If I was always writing that fast, I could get an entire chapter out in a day. So not being able to get a chapter done in the three days I have allotted for it? How could that be anything but a personal failure?

Well, of course, it doesn't work like that. Creative output is pretty heavily tied to personal mental state, one way or another. The real lesson to learn is that that fact isn't an excuse, it's a skill. As a professional author, it's my job to not wait for the muse, but cultivate it. Structure my life in such a way that my mental state remains ready to write when needed. I have my routines and my schedules and tricks and my clearly-scheduled breaks all so when it is time to write, I can. Even when I'm having an awful day, I have the buffer time to catch up and get the two chapters a week I've promised out onto the page.

So when I have to throw in the towel like this? It sucks. It's me failing at my profession and nothing else. But everyone fails at their profession when shit goes down hard enough, and if I don't accept that things are just gonna get worse. So... thank you all for your patience, and my sincere apologies on the lack of chapters this week. There's a real possibility they're just going to be missed chapters in addition to this week's break, but... we'll see! I'll keep you all posted, and do my best to get myself back in gear.

Wish me luck. I'll need it.