The New World Rewrite(Chapters 24-26)
Added 2021-07-21 12:43:58 +0000 UTC24 Armor’s Exploration
Comments
Thanks for letting me know. I'll iron that out.
Monsoon117
2021-08-04 17:25:25 +0000 UTCYou should correct your bad habit of using chunked in place of chucked, one is breaking things into chunks and the other is throwing things.
Alex I
2021-08-03 01:48:03 +0000 UTCI had the wrong tag for 22 & 23. I changed it to rewrite, so that should fix it up nicely.
Monsoon117
2021-07-30 17:16:14 +0000 UTC22-23 is missing or no changes from the original? I am seeing 19-21 and this 24-26 nothing between.
Zed
2021-07-24 10:35:24 +0000 UTCAnother good rewrite monsoon keep up the good work man!
Crimsonbecca
2021-07-21 22:35:03 +0000 UTCMy actions gew more fluid My actions *grew* more fluid
Alex R
2021-07-21 13:21:54 +0000 UTCI like the new changes.
Alex R
2021-07-21 13:20:56 +0000 UTCThere's both good and bad here. For starters, I was stunned by my general creativity and variety in combat. The fight scenes take a serious, steep improvement in both writing quality and general cohesion. This left me improving on them by bumps here or there for turning good to great. That's was the idea, anyway. As for everything else, I had to change a lot of how Daniel and Althea met in general. There was cause and reason for serious animosity, even hatred with how they met before. This made any kind of relationship further down the line unlikely at best. Shifting their origins changes their dynamic, making the rest of the New World's plot a lot smoother, so to speak. Torix also has quite a few changes. He's not using Daniel as much in this new rendition, and that makes the entire feel of the story change. It's like Daniel's building up this base of companions instead of just getting jerked around by forces beyond his control. I also changed how the discipleship between Torix and Daniel came about. It made more sense for Daniel to impress Torix overtime with his will and tenacity instead of Torix demanding subservience. This makes the position more earned and less of a burden for Daniel. I also changed the reason for the ritual and all of that. Torix is trying to find closure for his son's death, and Daniel wants to help out. At this point in the rewrite, the story has taken on a different feel. Some people may not like it, but to me, it's a superior baseline moving forward. The adjustments in grammatical quality, setting up scenes, worldbuilding, consistency, and continuity also merit mention. All in all, I'm proud of this work and the changes I made. This is the story I wanted to tell when I first wrote the New World.
Monsoon117
2021-07-21 12:52:20 +0000 UTC
