The New World Rewrite(Chapters 5-7)

I relished in that comfort, relished (no 'in') or reveled in My entire setup revolved around Agony in fact. I couldn’t imagine being able to kill the bats without it. Now wrong, but I like it better if you finish the first sentence after Agony. In fact, I couldn't imagine... With that pain in tearing at my mind, I got back to killing bats. With that pain tearing... I hopped back onto the bat killing train yet again. bat-killing I reached level twenty eight, twenty-eight Without missing a beat, I hopped back onto the bat killing train yet again. Two hours later, I reached level twenty eight, putting a point into constitution. He reached 30 endurance at level 25 and resolved to get to 35 endurance first. How did he get there with only two levels so that he now puts a point into Constitution? Unless he was at 33 endurance when he got the 30 perk. If so, maybe a mention that he hit 33 when he put that point it a few sentences earlier? I chopped it up to the dungeon’s influence on them. chalked In each of your blows carries the weight of death for this reason, Each of your blows Far faster than me. Far faster than I (was). I include the implied verb because this is a situation that almost everyone messes up. In fact, since you're writing Daniel's train of thought, it's probably correct to use the incorrect pronoun if he would. However, when you come to the point where you're writing Torix speaking, you might want to keep track of as I (would), than she (does) and the like. I also think it applies to the word 'like' but sometimes finishing a sentence 'like he' looks weird even to me, so I just include the verb. 'like he did'. Pulling its face from the rock, my punch collided with its nose. As it pulled its face... My wrist was a lumpy mush. Not wrong, but I like: My wrist was lumpy mush. better. It also has the same rhythm as the next sentence that way. Like me, it refused to die. And here's that situation with 'like' I mentioned. I'd write, 'Like I did, it refused to die." Except that Daniel might think and say 'Like me.' I replaced it with a bloody pile of mush that rested on its face. Using mush again in just a few sentences, perhaps 'bloody mass of flesh'? Lumbering Brute(lvl 3) That's new. I think I remember Dreadnought Brute from before. Not life changing, but better than before. life-changing Even if they leveled super slow and didn’t do much, super-slowly Hiding behind a boulder, a pile of insects writhing beside the pool. Hiding behind a boulder, I spotted a pile of insects writhing beside the pool. "You wallow in darkness, and so, you've lost your way like a little lamb...I can help you, little lamb, but for a price paid in blood and flesh and bone." "You wallow in darkness, and so you've lost your way like a little lamb. I can help you, little lamb, but for a price paid in blood and flesh and bone." I could do this, and I doubted the monster resisted the damage. could resist Fighting them, a bat’s maw opened. As I fought them, a bat opened its maw. Whenever I killed one, I inspected one of the bodies. When I killed one giving them far greater guises in the gloom far greater concealment I grip its insides before smashing it into the ground. gripped Unable to bite, I lifted it above my head and growled. With it unable (original wording means Daniel is unable to bite.) Wielding the corpse, I lobbed it into the second bats second dive. bat's I heel stomped it heel-stomped The counter impact off my hit slid me backwards a foot. counter-impact of It reminded me of fighting, and unlike the previous bear, I almost found myself smiling. I'd use boxing, since he is fighting here. It was a hard fought two levels, hard-fought +4% damage to counter attacks. counterattacks. It was a strange analogy, and I needed to talk with or I’d go insane soon. needed someone who wasn't threatening to eat me to talk with... The new, higher leveled bats new, higher-leveled but a few gloved punches dispatched of them dispatched them or disposed of them Every skillpoint counted after all. skill point (unless you plan on the one word skillpoint being a term for Schema's system, but I don't remember you doing so so far.) An aura of violet ebbed from the eleven foot tall giant. radiated or flowed is better than ebbed in this case and in many of the other places you use it. Ebbed means receding or decreasing. That energy infused with a blue miasma thicker than water. just infused, no 'with'. Or maybe the energy congealed into a blue miasma? Because infused implies the blue miasma was already there and the energy becomes part of it. In his right hand, it held a spear edged with a blade of violet energy In its right hand This being suffused strength, nobility, and purpose. This being exuded strength... Nameless Sentinel | Lvl ?,??? Is that comma supposed to be there? I don't remember it being there before. As I pushed with my backfoot, back foot Arcs of violet thunder shot from its metal plates as it gripped both sides of its spear. violet lighting shot from its metal plates with accompanying thunder... "I guard the entrance and exit of this climacteric rift. climactic? sentient species of newly acquiesced planets to tutorial zones. newly-acquired It gnarls its teeth, but I turn sideways, It snarled, baring its teeth, but I turned Another swipe of its paws, and I duck under them once more. ducked Things were on the up and up. Things were on the way up. or Things were looking up. and then the eel died overtime. over time. The matter and even my mind reorganized into strut, powerful chains, locking me in place. stable (or robust), powerful chains. (Strut is either a noun or verb.) By now, I came close to dying many times, I had come and found fifty seven points unallocated. fifty-seven With a bit of brainstorming, I gained and leveled up a few skills, like swimming, climbing, and jumping. Maybe a quick mention of the effort to stay on top of the water? I doubt he floats now.

Jonathan

I don’t know if I want more development between Daniel and Baldag-Ruhl before he mentions killing him with Agony after that first meeting and the quest. But I think it needs something more. Either a bit more time and interaction or more of a motivation and explanation from Dan. Not sure if I’m projecting it from my own wants but just some feedback. Loving it regardless.

God I forgot how much that Sentinel pissed me off. It's a literal Patrick wallet meme. It's nice starting over again reminds me of when I first found the story on gravitytales

Daniel S

Thanks and fixed.

Monsoon117

Fighter III does not have how many tree points it needs. it effectively gave me my mana *as* extra hit points when I needed them.

Alex R

I made the pdf file at the bottom as some users requested. I hope that the formatting is better for you guys. It definitely appears cleaner to me, as Patreon's text formatting sucks. As for the actual differences in content, I had to make a few. Agony and the Determinator trees aren't naturally occuring. This plays into the Baldag-Ruhl sequence well, and it forshadows what occurs some without giving it away. No editor for any of this content either of course, but there's fewer errors than before. Let me know if you find any obvious ones.

Monsoon117