Finger Lickin' Good (Multiversal KFC) Ch.1

(Summary: …Guy gets his soul put into Colonel Sanders? I don’t fucking know, let’s roll with it.

Disclaimer: I do not own KFC, nor do I want to. I’ll leave that to the businessmen. Colonel Sanders is but an anime variation and not the real person.

— ??? —

“So let me get this straight.” I crossed my arms, tapping my toe on the ground as I looked at the omnipotent being before me. “You want me-” I pointed at myself, earning a nod from him, “to run a KFC-” Again, another nod, “and serve various people in the multiverse.”

“As Colonel Sanders, yes.”

The being nodded.

“Why?”

“Being all-knowing is all-boring; I need some fun in my life, and one of my wives recently brought up how hilarious this would be.” The all-black being smiled? I honestly didn’t know what he was doing, but I knew I didn’t like it. “Fuck you, my smile is adorable.”

“Fuck me? No fuck you!” I shouted; my brain had enough of all the bullshit that was laid on me. One second, I’m living life; the next second, a fucking truck falls on me…from the fucking sky! Now, here I am, standing in front of a bullshit R.O.B. because he has too much fucking time on his hands!

“I don’t have “too much time on my hands.” I’m not so easily pleased, but with your temperament, I know you’ll do nicely; good luck, Colonel Sanders.” He grinned, snapping his fingers, and a black hole appeared beneath me, sucking me in.

“Eat shit and die asshole; I’ll be back to kill your ass one day!”

“Oooh, terrifying…my timbers have been shivered.”

Oh, fuck this guy!

I dropped into a building. I blinked, frowning as I saw the very familiar imagery of a typical KFC joint.

“Fuck me! Come back here, you son of a bitch; you couldn’t have reincarnated me into something better like an ecchi anime or maybe some badass world like Dragon Ball or Naruto; hell, I would have settled for Bleach!” I shouted in anger, immediately recognizing my voice was different.

I sighed in defeat, making my way over to the bathroom. It was hard to explain, but I could feel where everything was, so the bathroom location wasn’t something I needed to look for.

I opened the door and slowly walked in front of the mirror. I let out another sigh.

“Looks like it’s up to us, good old Colonel.”

I washed my hands before heading out of the bathroom with a defeated look, but I could do nothing. I was a victim of a shitty R.O.B. doing shitty things, and now I had to live with this situation.

“Let’s see what we got in the kitchen.” I made my way to the kitchen, deadpanning as I went through each cupboard…there was nothing in any of them. This fucking place was empty!

“Check the back, you fucking dumbass.”

He’s back!

“Hey you son of a bitch, I want a do-over; get me the hell outta here; I don’t want to work at a KFC for the rest of my existence!”

“Tch, stop fighting it; you’ll have so much more fun if you just accept all that’s happened and move on. Plus, there are more than a few benefits…”

That got my attention; if a R.O.B. deemed something as a benefit, then it had to be something pretty fucking awesome.

“Benefits?”

“You’ve looked at yourself, correct?”

I nodded.

“Then you must know that you’re quite the attractive Colonel, Mr. Sanders. Now…and use your brain for this one, buddy, what if I told you women from multiple anime/video game/movie worlds were going to walk through those beautiful shiny doors looking for some good ol chicken?”

“…”

“Good, now shut the fuck up and accept your new life, no need to thank me, peace!”

Just like that, I felt the presence of the R.O.B. disappear from the…my shop, leaving me alone to bask in his words.

All I heard was anime titties, and that alone has me in all the way.

Time to make some motherfucking chicken!

— Later —

I wiped the sweat from my brow as I packed the last of the cabinets. I had set up shop in a way that I could appreciate, and I was in the midst of something great!

“Let’s get to cooking!”

I turned on the fryer, watching as the oil slowly went from a stagnant seep of golden liquid to a bubbling lagoon of golden goodness! It was time to fry some motherfucking chicken!

I grabbed the chicken, sprinkling some…KFC seasoning into the flour and mixing it together, then I washed the chicken in some water, giving it that good cleaning. I picked up the pieces and placed them on a metal bar before dunking them in the flower and giving them a good shake, not too much flour, not too little, before taking the chicken up and gently placing them in the fryer.

*Sizzle*

Kiss my ass, Popeyes, fuck you, Church’s Chicken, and of course…eat shit, Chick Fil A, KFC on top always!

— Sasha Blouse —

“Sasha…you doing alright?” Connie asked, taking a bite from his bread.

“Hungry.” Was her quiet response. Her stomach was growling, she needed sustenance.

“You just ate.” Jean blinked, taking a long sip from his soup. She knew he was doing it on purpose! Taking his sweet time with his food, knowing that she had long since finished hers! Bastards! Both of them!

She turned her head away, fearing that if she looked any longer, she would end up having to fight her friends for their food.

“You should know by now, Jean, she’s always hungry.” Connie sighed, waving his hand as if she were a lost cause. “Her stomach is an endless pit, kinda like the titans.”

“Don’t call me a titan!” Sasha frowned. I’m not some massive mindless beast that can’t make rhyme or reason of reality!”

“...”

“...”

The entire dining hall grew quiet as everyone, even people from different tables stared at her.

“You know, she’s right about the massive part.” Reiner nodded sagely, everyone following along, agreeing with analysis.

“You bastards!” Sasha cried, reaching forward to take the remaining bit of bread from Connie while he was distracted.

“Hey!”

She was gone, she didn’t care to look back. She ran out of the door and through the training grounds, only stopping once she knew her pursuers couldn’t catch her. She climbed a tree, looking upon the bread with sparkling eyes before consuming it, wasting no time.

Just like that, the bread was gone, and she was still hungry.

She hopped off the tree with a frown on her face. She needed to head back and steal someone’s food. Maybe Christa would be the goddess she was and share with her?

Fat chance, not with that food blocker, Ymir around her.

She let out a tired sigh as she walked over to the woman’s dormitory. She wouldn’t get another meal tonight, so she would have to eat sleep for dinner. She walked up the stairs and just as she was about to turn in for the night-

*DING*

Her ears twitched at the sudden noise, a bright light shining behind her. She looked and her body froze for a moment.

There was a door against the woman’s dormitory that wasn’t there before.

A bright light shone from it. She walked closer, inspecting the glass door to see writing on a sign hung on it.

‘KFC, it’s finger lickin good!’

She blinked slowly…were the walls patronizing her? Or was this a blessing from them to feast to her heart’s content?

Either way, she didn’t care. There was no harm in seeing what was inside. The glass was blurry, so she couldn’t see the interior well.

She opened the door, and the moment she did, a blast of a sweet, succulent, delicious aroma hit her nose.

Never in her life, had she entered a place so fast.

She ran in, slamming her hands on the counter hard, hopping on it to peek over to the origin of the aroma.

Meat? It was certainly meat! But it was different, it smelled better than any meat she had had in the entirety of her life.

“Love that chicken from Popeyes, my ass. My shit is finger lickin good.” She heard someone say from the backroom.

“Sir, I would like your meat!”

“A customer?” He hummed, walking over. “Also, phrasing.” He stopped on the other side of the counter, and she got a good look at him. Crystal white short hair, and a matching goatee and mustache. He was decently built, much like Reiner, and he was wearing an apron that had a drawing of his face on it.

He blinked as he looked at her, scrutinizing her appearance for a moment before shrugging.

“So, what do you want?” He asked, and she couldn’t stop her mouth from watering anymore.

“Meat! Delicious meat!” She said, slamming her hands on the counter as she began to fantasize having all of that delicious meat to herself!

“Once again, phrasing.” He rubbed his temples before gesturing to the menu. “We got various kinds of chicken, we got various amounts of chicken, we got biscuits, we got coleslaw, gimme something to work with, lady.”

“Chicken!” She demanded, looking at his unimpressed face. She blushed, looking up to the menu to see what kind of chicken she wanted. “The 8 Piece Fried Chicken Meal, please.”

“Alright, coming right up.” He nodded. Walking over and grabbing a pair of stainless steel tongs to grab the chicken from the golden liquid…and the smell they produced.

It sent her to another world! She felt like she was on top of the walls, floating above the world.

“That’s gonna be 30 dollars and 99 cents.”

“Uh…dollars? Cents?” She questioned, scratching her chin.

“Oh right, you’re not familiar with U.S currency…forgot about that.” He whispered under his breath. He took a moment to think before looking back at her. “How much money do you got on you?”

Sasha looked away, twiddling with her thumbs for a moment, before looking back at him with a nervous smile. “...N-None.”

“Then why the fuck are you in here?” He asked, blinking slowly.

“Well, I’m-” She started, but as if to answer his question, her stomach growled.

“I see.” He frowned, stroking his chin hair in thought. “How about this, I’ll feed you, but in return you need to work for me.”

“Uh…I don’t know if I can, I’m in the middle of military training.”

“Eh, that’s fine, I can just turn down the time dilation.” He shrugged. “So you in, or out?”

She didn’t know what he meant by “time dilation” but she was hungry…and a hungry Sasha can do wild, crazy things for food.

“I’m in!”

— Chapter End —

Author’s Note: This story is more of a joke then anything, but it can go somewhere nice. Once again, I decided to write this story because of a Wendy, Ronald, and Colonel Sanders lewd. I regret nothing.