Her Idol Part 5

Her Idol Part 5

I place a glass of water onto the table in front of Jacky, and with a smile, I flatten down the back of my skirt and sit across from her in my armchair. We’re in my office, and to make it less formal, I’ve let Jacky sit on my sofa in hopes she’ll feel more comfortable.

Jacky stares vacantly for a moment, sitting on her hands like some sort of naughty schoolgirl.

“Jacky, erm…” I brush my hair behind my ear as I pick up my notepad. “You…. this is a safe space. Please, I’m here to help.”

Silence for a moment as Jacky reaches cautiously for the glass of water. I smile as she takes the smallest and daintiest of sips.

“So…” I tap the notepad with my pen. “Did you have a nice day at school?”

Jacky takes another sip, wipes her mouth, sets the glass down, and stays silent. She’s barely said anything since coming into the room. But she has turned up for a session, so I’m not going to be too disheartened.

“I erm….” I take a deep breath. “I’m glad you decided to come back after how things were left after our first session.”

Jacky turns up her nose, folds her arms, and looks away. She’s still a little mad at me, that much is clear.

“I’m only here because I promised Mom I would come.” She explains, giving me a sharp glance before staring off into the distance once more.

“I see….” I say and catch myself nervously tapping. “J-Jacky….” I put my notepad and pen down on the table. “I’m surprised you came back. So, I’ve gotta ask, what is it you want to achieve with these meetings?”

“I don’t want to achieve anything.” She answers honestly, her voice tainted with a touch of spite. “I’m only coming because my mom asked me, but you made it clear last week that she wants you to try and talk me out of being trans.”

Jacky glares at me as the words leave her mouth. She might almost be intimidating if she weren’t so darn adorable. Those big blue eyes and that messy blonde hair aren’t exactly going to win her any prizes for being terrifying.

I let out another long breath as I ground myself. “Jacky,” I say softly, smiling back. “That’s not what this is about. I told you, I’m here to help. I know exactly what you’re going through.”

Jacky pouts and looks away.

“No, you don’t,” she sighs. “My Mom is only half accepting who I want to be. Your Mom—she supported you from the get-go, right? So, you don’t know what it’s like to have your only family doubt your true identity.”

Jacky isn’t wrong. My Mom was brilliant with me when I first came out.

Talking about her just reminds me of the awkward situation I’m in with the wedding. I’ve been trying to put it out of my mind all day, but it just keeps on worming its way back into my thoughts. At best, my Dad is just a bit of a dick, but in reality, he’s never really accepted me, so why would I want him at my wedding?

Does he even deserve to be called my “father” anymore? Maybe, deep down, I’m clinging to the hope of giving him one last chance to be part of my life. Or maybe it’s just some fairytale notion of what a wedding should look like. Am I foolishly forcing myself to even consider it?

“Errr….”

Jacky points at me as I lose my train of thought, and I snap back into the room.

“Miss,” she says, looking a touch worried. “A-Are you crying?”

A tear dribbles down my cheek, and I’m quick to swipe it away and regain my composure.

“N-No… dear.” I blink several times, trying to make it seem like I’ve got something in my eye. “It’s err….umm. Allergies….”

Jacky tilts her head, watching me without a word. Maybe she thinks she’s testing me, but all I can feel is shame about how careless and unprofessional it is to lose control of my emotions in front of a student.

After a second, Jacky moves closer to me on the couch.

“Miss…” she says softly. “My friend has been tearing up like that recently. She seems so off in her own world and won’t tell anyone about it. I’d feel bad if I didn’t ask you if you’re okay. Do y-you wanna talk about it?”

I take an even longer breath in this time, touched by how caring Jacky appears to be, even knowing how much she doesn’t really want to be here.

“W-Well….” I fan my eyes. “I don’t know how professional this is for me to talk to you about, but yes, I’ve had a few rough days recently.”

“Oh?” Jacky slides across even closer to me with a soft, but curious expression

“Yeah,” I nod and force a smile. “My er… My Dad wasn’t umm…wasn’t very nice to me when I first came out as Paulene. I don’t know why I’m so bothered about it, but because I’m getting married, suddenly he’s in my thoughts again.”

“Oh…”

“Y-Yeah…..”

I adjust myself, tuck my hair behind my ear, and look down at Jacky, who’s deep in thought.

“Can I ask, Jacky. How does your father feel about Jacky? Does he support you?”

Her face scrunches up as I see her thinking about her response. At first, I see a hint of anger, but in reality, it could very well be indifference.

“He’s dead.”

“Jacky?”

“You heard me,” Jacky slides slightly away from me on the couch and looks off into the distance.

I compose myself.

This is clearly a sensitive topic, which in some aspects I can almost understand. My own Dad might as well have been dead to me these last ten years. Being a teenager is very difficult, especially when you don’t have a guiding presence in your life.

“Jacky. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Ah, don’t be sorry…” Jacky, strangely, forces a smile and jokes. “He died when I was really young, and actually, I’m kinda glad I don’t have a father to deal with. My friend, Sonya, her father is a complete arsehole.”

“Young lady,” I shake my head at Jacky’s language.

“S-Sorry,” she giggles. “Did that make me seem a little heartless? I mean, I never knew him. It’s hard to miss or feel bad about someone being gone who you never knew them.”

I nod in agreement, but before I can say anything, Jacky laughs to herself.

“Y-You know what’s really funny!” she stares at me intently with the biggest grin on her face, like she’ll explode if she doesn’t instantly tell me.

“What’s funny?”

“Mom says I look exactly like him!” Jacky touches her messy blonde hair and grins. “If that’s true, My Dad must have looked kinda like a femboy just like me, don’t you think?”

I chuckle at Jacky’s story to be polite, but the thought that follows gives me pause. It’s a potential hint at what her relationship with her mother might really be like.

“Do you have a photo, Jacky?”

“Of Dad?”

“Yeah…?”

“No…” Jacky looks down at her lap before looking back at me with a softer smile. “N-No, I don’t.”

“Tell me, Young lady.” I reach for my notepad and pen. “How does it make you feel when your mother says you look just like your father?”

“Errr….” Jacky brushes her hair from her face and looks up at the ceiling in thought. “I guess it doesn’t really make me feel anything.” Jacky looks at me worried, like that’s not a normal reaction. “I guess because I’m so numb to it—it makes me feel bad that Mom gets a little upset every time she mentions how much I look like him.”

“She gets upset?”

Jacky nods.

“Does she cry?”

Jacky looks off again in thought, before looking me in the eyes. “Nah, not like crying and stuff. She just kinda goes quiet.” She puts a finger to her lips before looking past me. “Actually, now I think about it, she’s been quiet like that a lot recently.”

Jacky scoots up closer on the sofa and looks at me, concerned. “I think she really misses him. I-I…I’ve never really thought about it until now, but My Mom hasn’t ever dated. Well, not that I know of.”

“Is…” Jacky’s expression becomes a little worried. “Is that normal, Miss, do you think? I-It’s like my Mom has never moved on, isn’t it?”

My mind turns to Oscar and how I’d feel if he were to suddenly pass away

“I wouldn’t know if that’s normal, Jacky,” I reply honestly. “But if my fiancé were to pass away, I know I’d never really get over it. He’s such a big part of my life—maybe it’s the same for your mother.”

“I-I….guess that’s what it’s like when you meet your soul—”

I pause mid-sentence, my thoughts drifting to my mother. She’s always carried herself with such grace, always taking care of her appearance. She’s been my idol for as long as I can remember. I even shaped my early style after hers. And yet… to my knowledge, she’s never dated anyone since Dad left us.

Has she been waiting for his return or…. or maybe, she just can’t love anyone else?

“Miss…?”

Why would she do that? I’m sure she’s met lots of nice men. Or maybe she didn’t want to upset me?

“Miss…..?”

I should ask.

“Miss….!?” Jacky grabs my attention and looks at me, concerned. “You’re zoning out again. Are you sure you’re okay…?”

I shake it off and then smile.

“Y-Yeah, sorry. Just err… just had a lot to think about there for a moment.” I look at my notepad and I see the word Mom’s sadness circled several times. “Sorry, Jacky. We were talking about your Mom. She gets sad. Please continue.”

“Yeah….” Jacky starts to fiddle and looks aggravated. “Do you think my coming out as trans is the reason why she’s going quiet a lot more these days? Do you think I’m making her sad?”

I grit my teeth, but only for a second

“What do you think, Jacky?”

She looks at me silent for a moment before she brings the cuff of her sleeve to her mouth to bite it. Obviously, this is a trigger point for Jacky.

“I…I dunno,” she replies anxiously. “I hope not, at the very least. S-She’s never out rightly said I make her unhappy.”

Jacky continues to chew on her cuff as she speaks, and I take notes.

“She brought us matching Pyjama sets.” Jacky then states, looking at me with a wry smile. “So, I dunno. Maybe she’s really trying to get used to it, but struggling?”

“Have you spoken to her about Jacky since coming out?”

“Nah,” Jacky shakes her head. “It’s too awkward. I just kinda….hide in my room when I’m dressing or I go out with my friends.”

Leaving it at that, I make a couple more notes. Then, crossing my legs and leaning towards Jacky, I give her a wide smile.

“Y’know, talking to you this afternoon has made me realise something.”

“Y-Yeah…?” Jacky looks surprised. “What’s that, Miss?”

“Please, Jacky. Call me Paulene. You make me feel old when you call me that.” I then chuckle to myself. “Do you wanna make a deal…A-A…pact, Jacky. You and me?”

Jacky furrows her brow. “Mis—Paulene, I don’t understand. A pact?”

“Yeah,” I talk quietly and softly, as if it’s a secret. “I think both of us need to approach our mothers and have an honest talk.”

Jacky looks at me, confused and, like the cutie she is, tilts her head to one side.

“Talk to our Moms about what?”

“I’m glad you asked.” I lean closer. “We really need to talk to them about our fathers and how they feel about them. Don’t you think so?”

“R-Really?” Jacky looks worried. “I don’t want to upset her.”

I nod and understand that comment completely, but I then give her a reassuring smile.

“It’s not going to be easy, I don’t think, young Jacky. But, I have a feeling if we both try and get them to talk honestly, we might learn something about them we never knew.”

Jacky looks at me, puzzled.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I say with confidence. “Let’s meet back here next week and talk about what we learned from our mothers. Does that sound like a deal?”

Jacky looks left for a moment before a smile tugs at her lips.

“Yeah, okay. I can do that.”

“Good.” I lean back in my chair, pleased with how this has gone. “I look forward to speaking to you next week!

“Oh, yeah. Me too.” Jacky’s face lights up. “I like your dress, by the way. Where did you buy it?”

“Oh yeah?” I look down at myself for a moment before smirking in Jacky’s direction. “How about I tell you next week…”